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Old 05-04-2016, 08:40 AM
 
Location: Wonderland
67,652 posts, read 60,572,966 times
Reputation: 101051

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Quote:
Originally Posted by mochamajesty View Post
You are 100% correct, Kathryn.


But, can you expect understanding and empathy from someone who cannot give it to you?


When you are dealing with a mentally ill person, you are not equals. The deck is stacked in the non-ill person's favor. The ill person needs, frankly, more. More empathy. More understanding.


And you are within your rights to expect those things when the ill person is in recovery. I think that expecting it beforehand is setting yourself up for more frustration.


You are also within your rights to pull the plug, if you will. You can decide enough is enough. My therapist says that when the two S's are in danger of violation (sanity and safety) let it go.


But, this is your mom. And moms are ... well, they are moms. LOL There is a dynamic at play here that would not be there otherwise.


Your mom sounds like she would not get help regardless. And you do not seem to be the type of daughter to let her go. Can you contact your old therapist? Or a support group? A neutral party?


I wish I had more to offer you.


But remember this: You are not wrong to feel frustrated, drained, or angry.


Signed, a 'crazy person'.
LOL thanks. No, I don't think you are "crazy." I think you seem like an example of a person who has embraced a treatment plan and thought things through carefully, and I am so glad that you are married to a person who loves every bit of you and who wants to understand you and invest in you.

Yeah - she's my mom and she is also not a wicked person - I believe she cannot help a lot of these thoughts and feelings. My frustration with her though is that she can see in my brother an example of successful treatment for mental illness - a person who has taken full responsibility for his own treatment (and his own actions under that treatment plan), and she admires him - and yet won't apply the same answers to her own life.

I am going to get back into a support group. This is really tough and now that my mom has some vascular dementia on top of her mental health issues, I see it only getting worse - a LOT worse, a lot more quickly than in the past. She could live like this for years, too - if she doesn't starve herself to death first, which is a real possibility.

I really do feel very sad for her and very sorry that she's going through this, but I also am realizing that for my own sake and the sake of my own marriage and family life, I need to find that balance between supporting and helping my parents, and distancing myself from the emotional turmoil.

Let's address the empathy thing again for a minute. Prior to treatment and meds and therapy, my brother had absolutely zero empathy for anyone - ANYONE. Honestly, he was nearly impossible to deal with and he did eventually lose everything, which was very sad to watch. But hitting rock bottom forced him into a good treatment plan and now, his empathy and understanding is simply beautiful - I am SO grateful for this. Trust me, I haven't gotten enough of this in my life - not from my mother, and not even really my dad, because he was so busy trying to maintain some sort of balance himself in the family dynamics. And certainly not from my brother. Now, he is calling every day to check on me - not only is that amazing, it's very touching. It's so "normal" and yet so precious.
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Old 05-04-2016, 08:55 AM
 
5,198 posts, read 5,263,657 times
Reputation: 13249
Quote:
Originally Posted by KathrynAragon View Post
LOL thanks. No, I don't think you are "crazy." I think you seem like an example of a person who has embraced a treatment plan and thought things through carefully, and I am so glad that you are married to a person who loves every bit of you and who wants to understand you and invest in you.

Yeah - she's my mom and she is also not a wicked person - I believe she cannot help a lot of these thoughts and feelings. My frustration with her though is that she can see in my brother an example of successful treatment for mental illness - a person who has taken full responsibility for his own treatment (and his own actions under that treatment plan), and she admires him - and yet won't apply the same answers to her own life.

I am going to get back into a support group. This is really tough and now that my mom has some vascular dementia on top of her mental health issues, I see it only getting worse - a LOT worse, a lot more quickly than in the past. She could live like this for years, too - if she doesn't starve herself to death first, which is a real possibility.

I really do feel very sad for her and very sorry that she's going through this, but I also am realizing that for my own sake and the sake of my own marriage and family life, I need to find that balance between supporting and helping my parents, and distancing myself from the emotional turmoil.

Let's address the empathy thing again for a minute. Prior to treatment and meds and therapy, my brother had absolutely zero empathy for anyone - ANYONE. Honestly, he was nearly impossible to deal with and he did eventually lose everything, which was very sad to watch. But hitting rock bottom forced him into a good treatment plan and now, his empathy and understanding is simply beautiful - I am SO grateful for this. Trust me, I haven't gotten enough of this in my life - not from my mother, and not even really my dad, because he was so busy trying to maintain some sort of balance himself in the family dynamics. And certainly not from my brother. Now, he is calling every day to check on me - not only is that amazing, it's very touching. It's so "normal" and yet so precious.


Yep, that's the sign of a good treatment plan. I'm so glad for you and your brother.


And you have my empathy as well .


Finding that balance can be tricky - but you are a smart lady. If anyone can do it, you can!
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Old 05-04-2016, 09:24 AM
 
Location: Wonderland
67,652 posts, read 60,572,966 times
Reputation: 101051
Quote:
Originally Posted by mochamajesty View Post
Yep, that's the sign of a good treatment plan. I'm so glad for you and your brother.


And you have my empathy as well .


Finding that balance can be tricky - but you are a smart lady. If anyone can do it, you can!
Well, like you said, it's not as tricky when one isn't grappling with an actual mental illness in themselves. But it does get tiresome feeling like all the concessions and empathy are one sided. That's one reason why I appreciate my brother so much now.
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Old 05-14-2016, 11:11 AM
 
2,497 posts, read 2,058,353 times
Reputation: 4173
My sister is an alcoholic. Functioning.
She is very exhausting and draining. I've had to step away from her, cause I was always getting sick. I do love her.

But for some reason, everyone embraces this alcoholic and understands her. And for some reason , I'm the one who gets kicked to the curb for stepping back. Like no one understands.

But, I'm sticking to my guns. And MY more peaceful and harmonious life.
We textd and speak, see each other on holidays...but that's enough.
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