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I'm really sorry you are dealing with this. After a while, it does become like a weight you bear every day.
In order to avoid making the depression symptoms worse, I would take it step by step. Don't look at "the big picture," the way you described it here.
Proceed with medical appointments to get to the source of the problem. You probably will need a combination of medical and psych/emotional help, but at least start with a doctor to pinpoint any medical factors, which hopefully will be partially or fully covered by insurance.
This is a really good post
To add, at your age the possible medical conditions that might be causing this have or will eventually have wider effects on you, so you really ought to rule those out. I strongly suspect that it's not medical and entirely psychological, however.
So rule out any possible physical cause, and then seek therapy from someone trained to deal with men's sexual issues. It may be expensive, but from your posts and from my perspective if I were you, you'd be investing in your future happiness. Good luck.
I did pay for therapy for a few sessions, cost me over a grand but I could not continue that ad-infinitum not even knowing if it would solve my issue. Someone suggested to me to go out of the country to try escort services as they are a fraction of what they cost here in the US besides being legal. Not too sure I'm comfortable with all that due to the health risks but if it's something that is needed to resolve my situation I will have to look into it.
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Originally Posted by oh-eve
Did I understand that correctly, you can do IT yourself but not with somebody else?
yes, that is accurate. Actually my ex GF has given me a blow job and a hand job a few times without issues. I've also become penetration level hard "during" these acts and can also sometimes get hard prior to insertion, the problem is that when I try to push inside I rapidly lose my erection in a few seconds and it never returns for the entire session thereafter. I am guessing something mental is going on in my head..not sure.
I did pay for therapy for a few sessions, cost me over a grand but I could not continue that ad-infinitum not even knowing if it would solve my issue. Someone suggested to me to go out of the country to try escort services as they are a fraction of what they cost here in the US besides being legal. Not too sure I'm comfortable with all that due to the health risks but if it's something that is needed to resolve my situation I will have to look into it.
yes, that is accurate. Actually my ex GF has given me a blow job and a hand job a few times without issues. I've also become penetration level hard "during" these acts and can also sometimes get hard prior to insertion, the problem is that when I try to push inside I rapidly lose my erection in a few seconds and it never returns for the entire session thereafter. I am guessing something mental is going on in my head..not sure.
yeah, go to Holland and pick a woman out of the shop window in Amsterdam. They are clean aka get tested constantly and you'll have sex with a condom, legally and with no shame. combine it with a fun trip.
Therapy might help but I think you will have to spend $$$$$$$$$$ and invest lots of time. I would go with the escort/hooker or a one night stand or a female friend.
There are hypnotists specialized for sexual issues, too. But I think it will be $$$$$ with no guarantee.
Yeah, I think the sexual confidence aspect is important. I think I can gain it if I have a woman who I can have trial and error with at my own pace. I should focus my efforts on finding a partner like that, who is chilled out/laid back rather than my ex who was ridiculously high strung.
Your problem won't be solved by going to a pro. If anything, traveling halfway across the globe to hire a pro is only going to increase your anxiety.
What you need is a long-term, trusting, intimate relationship with a decent woman who really cares for you. The counseling you go to should be based on figuring out why you pick the dysfunctional kinds of women you.
BTW, there is a whole large subset of women who could kind of take P in V sex or leave it. They are much more interested in direct stimulation. Learn to get good at oral and manual, get with one of these women, and your anxiety will magically disappear. As a matter of fact, your obsession with P in V may be one of the reasons that some women are not interested in sex with you.
Your problem won't be solved by going to a pro. If anything, traveling halfway across the globe to hire a pro is only going to increase your anxiety.
What you need is a long-term, trusting, intimate relationship with a decent woman who really cares for you. The counseling you go to should be based on figuring out why you pick the dysfunctional kinds of women you.
BTW, there is a whole large subset of women who could kind of take P in V sex or leave it. They are much more interested in direct stimulation. Learn to get good at oral and manual, get with one of these women, and your anxiety will magically disappear. As a matter of fact, your obsession with P in V may be one of the reasons that some women are not interested in sex with you.
Personally, I'd be relieved if I met a guy with the OP's issue but I thought that was just me.
I'm gonna go ahead and say F therapy, try Kundalini Yoga. Look into that. Either take a class or if you prefer the privacy, there are plenty of videos on youtube, as well as lots of free information online.
I've had one sexual failure after another, most likely due to severe performance anxiety (but at the point it's unknown if I have other medical issues as well, but since I do get persistent morning erections that hold it may just be psychological) that I have not adequately addressed.
This is most likely the most important part of your post. You have severe performance anxiety, and you are not alone. Sexual performance anxiety is extremely common among men.
Lots of anxiety around sex comes from the expectations imposed on masculinity in our culture, from watching porn, from our depictions of how men act in the media, from fears or insecurities that fuel this need to perform.
You think you HAVE to "perform" 110% or else. You feel the need to impress your partner above and beyond.
Are you watching lots of porn? Do you feel like this is the way it should work? Do you have problems with your body image? Remember, porn is fantasy and not intended to be sex education or used for performance comparisons.
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I have this cloud over my head of being a complete failure in life for not being able to perform the most basic function every man should be able to perform, not being able to please my partner because of it. I also feel I have missed out on being physical close to many people like my ex girlfriends. The shame and humiliation are in my head everyday.
The real reason is that you are thinking about way too much. It is in your head all the times, and you cannot enjoy the moment. Your mind is sabotaging your body. You can’t relax. And without relaxation, it’s damn hard (pardon the pun) to produce an erection. When your mind is too stressed out to focus on sex, your body can't get excited either. When you are worrying about whether you'll be able to please your partner, or what she is going to think of you, or will you be still a "real man" if you fail - all that can make it impossible for you to perform, and creates an evil cycle.
However - you can overcome your anxiety.
A big chunk of your anxiety will go away when you make a honest conversation about it. Talk about it before considering to be intimate. Right women would understand and appreciate your honesty, and they will help you overcome your fears, because the worst things you can do when you have this type of anxiety is try to fight it without telling your partner. Once it's said, it will help ease some of your worries. Eliminate women interested just in performance. Try to find someone who might be considered a long term relationship. Someone who would understand you, so the two of you can work on it together. (yes, those women exist!). That way your both will gain experience, and learn each other needs and desires without the fear of losing a partner.
Get intimate in other ways. There are many ways to be intimate without actually having sex. Give your partner a sensual massage or take a warm bath together. Take turns pleasing each other....
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I know it's late in my life and I want to have kids etc. but I don't know how and it's causing me a lot of depression.
Start with honesty. Some women will leave right away, some will stay, and decide that you are worth it.
Ah, and read this. Gain some confidence https://www.globalseducer.com/how-to...mance-anxiety/ <<< warning: blunt language.
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