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Old 01-04-2017, 11:58 AM
 
Location: California
242 posts, read 157,650 times
Reputation: 74

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I just had the most disturbing dream, and it reflects waking life worries I have. I dreamt that my mom was gang raped on national TV, and of course, I was in school and my mouth just hung open while everyone laughed at me making fun of me for having a **** mom. My family just told me to not be a baby and stop whining like a little baby, even my little sister (this was a dream though). I started screaming out of insanity, and it came out in real life. My uncle asked me why I was screaming LIKE A LITTLE BABY! And the cat got in cause the door wasn't pulled tight enough t shut and he said if you pick her up by the collar I'm gonna smack the **** out of you. I just went through major trauma, and have been for years!

I would have to pick up a TON of cans and bottles, but I want to take a bus to LA or idk, go to Salvation Army so I can be out of a toxic environment for me, and get some damn therapy, I really need it, that was too much, that was like crossing a line, I had to watch my mom naked with naked men on national TV, and everyone laughed at me and made fun of me for it (also like in real life, but with an actually SERIOUS will to, I walked on the side of the road fighting to jump in front of a car). And MY OWN FAMILY told me to get over the fact that y mom was a **** on national TV and that everyone made fun of me for it. That reflects my real life, I don't know what to expect, I'm losing touch with reality, after so much of being scolded I actually EXPECT to be told to stop being a whiny little b-word even for something as serious like if I actually tried to kill myself, I can just imagine my grandmother saying oh boo hoo looking for a pity party,, along with the rest of my family, maybe not my mom and dad, and step dad I guess, but I can't be near my bad dad (that'll be an unavoidable thing to talk about in therapy, it is a big part of what turned me into this mess) and my mom and step dad live RIGHT behind my grandparents.

I could go to cc, but I'd have to commute, and still live here, and I may not be "manly" but I can't deal with how I'm treated, and if you want me to be a goddamn man come **** me off, I'm about ready to be a "man" and hurt someone, I want to hurt many people when I'm told I'm being a baby for my problems, how about I show you how much of a man I am by hurting a-holes?

I swear to God, I'm getting closer to a really scary place, I don't dare cry with anyone home. I'll be called a baby (and I'm called messed up in the head behind my back) and then I'll probably lash out and I'll be in jail, at least I'll get to eat there, which I can't right now, as my food stamps are out and my uncle won't pay me what he owes me from work I did, I need it NOW!

I don't like what I'm becoming, and I don't want to end up homeless or in prison. I was told if I go to Salvation Army I will be given shelter, food, therapy, assistance getting a job, assistance getting an education? I don't know if they provide that, because in America, it doesn't matter how ill you are, you are expected to work (and everyone assumed that anyone can just get a job) for ANYTHING, no matter what your problem is, and if you can't you can just die and rot cause no one cares.

If the world is such a tough place where no one cares about you, you're supposed to suffer and be tough, WHY BE ALIVE? WHY? I can't run away with less than $1!

I DO NOT want to go to jail! And it may happen if I am stuck here much longer!

I'd rather get therapy early in life so I can live more life than be 30-40+ old and never done anything in life, being a screwball my whole life, who knows if I'd even survived to that age though, homelessness would probably lead to prison, and prison would probably lead to death, I'd be murdered or I'd kill myself.

I feel something different than usual, AND it's in WAKING LIFE!

It seems any kind of professional medical help, even if it's CRITICAL to function in life, requires you to be wealthy, and if you're poor or broke you just have to f off as people say, because if you're unemployed for any reason you're a bum who deserves NOTHING! People tell me no one owes me anything in life, so maybe I should listen to them and believe that I don't deserve to be healthy and happy.

I hate the mood swings, the personality changes, the continuously weakening ability of "dealing with ****, the bad desires due to how I'm treated, the inability (but some people say 'm just lazy, I don't even know what I am, because of what others say so much) to improve in any way.

I need to escape and get help, but even if I had the money to take a bus, I don't know if help is available to people with no money who have never had a job.

Death would be the easiest way out.

Since I have woken up from sleep (Hellish Nightmare World) I have been suffering from a PHYSICAL pain in my forehead, I feel it closer to above my right eye...........

Hearing others be yelled at out of anger raises MY ANXIETY TOO.

I don't know if I could handle any kind of school right now, I haven't gained the state of mind to ignore/deal with a-holes, which I expect to be there just like high school and below. Sure, my mind may change, but it feels like I just went over another line where my brain PERMANENTLY crossed another bad, negative, insanity line, they've all happened from waking up from sleep too. I don't know if I can handle school or a job right now, and I can't handle being called a sissy/lazy ***/mental person for saying I need therapy.

I feel more like an insane person now, like instead of feeling "I'm a good person I just have ****" it feels more like "I'm just a bad crazy insane person, not really even human...".

I want things to change for the better, not the worse, is that even possible? Or am I permanently damaged?
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Old 01-04-2017, 11:59 AM
 
Location: California
242 posts, read 157,650 times
Reputation: 74
I'd rather become able to live life like the general population than not live it.
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Old 01-04-2017, 12:03 PM
 
Location: California
242 posts, read 157,650 times
Reputation: 74
The plan is pick up a ton of cans and bottles (I don't know how else I'd get the bus money) and go to LA or idk where else? And go to Salvation Army like someone suggested, they said I would be provided therapy, but I really question if that's true. And I'd go from there and live life.
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Old 01-04-2017, 12:06 PM
 
Location: California
242 posts, read 157,650 times
Reputation: 74
I've already known for awhile, me needing professional mental help has been a long time coming.
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Old 01-04-2017, 12:11 PM
 
Location: California
242 posts, read 157,650 times
Reputation: 74
A few more of these sleep to life episodes and I could be a complete psychotic killer!
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Old 01-04-2017, 12:15 PM
 
Location: California
242 posts, read 157,650 times
Reputation: 74
I don't know if this is realistic, but it'd be GREAT, if I could have a good living condition, while I can go to therapy, then get a job and/or go to college, and get my own apartment.
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Old 01-04-2017, 12:26 PM
 
Location: California
242 posts, read 157,650 times
Reputation: 74
Whatever is hidden deep in my mind is without a doubt ABSOLUTELY terrifying, I just might die just from seeing it.
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Old 01-04-2017, 12:28 PM
 
Location: California
242 posts, read 157,650 times
Reputation: 74
I do feel like NO MATTER WHERE I GO, I will be discriminated against for being messed up.
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Old 01-04-2017, 12:42 PM
 
Location: California
242 posts, read 157,650 times
Reputation: 74
Although my dream content was unrelated to what I watched, MAYBE my dream was triggered by the disturbing stuff I watched last night. Mr. Knightmare videos on YouTube, I had to watch comedy videos to get rid of the paranoia, I probably shouldn't watch that stuff at night, especially since I have no one to watch with!
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Old 01-04-2017, 01:53 PM
 
Location: California
242 posts, read 157,650 times
Reputation: 74
Besides, I observe this town both offline and online (there's a local Facebook group for people to gossip about EVERYONE, like I just found an arrest of someone made public on there) and it's getting more and more violent, and I hear and see domestic problems from my neighbors, crime and all this bs is BAD in such a small place, at least in a big city there's more people and more space to stay anonymous and not have the spotlight shine on you for any reason. Plus, more resources, like welfare, food, medical, transit, employment agencies, etc. And if you HAVE to resort to it, you might get money on the streets with a cardboard sign, that only works in urban areas on sidewalks where a bunch of people walk, or by where traffic flows, but I'd be paranoid of being recorded and put online more that way. It's said that making a funny sign helps you get more money than a sad serious sign.

People have joked like go be a male stripper. That may work for me with an audience of older women, but I don't really want to get into that, is it lazy if I'm not willing to do that? It's not illegal (or is it?).

If I could really make hundreds of dollars a night stripping for older women, I'd be up for that, just nervous about being recorded. It'd be nice being wanted and desired. It'd be really nice to lose my virginity too.

I wish I could just be a part of normal life, it's been heavily implied that dating and getting laid are just normal HUMAN THINGS, like you don't have to be a good looker or a PUA (Pick Up Artist). Like these things are able to be gotten by any human being. They're not something that you have to be specially qualified for (best way to word it), but you just have to be a human being.

I really haven't been around other humans since high school, and those humans were all awful (I think there may have been a conspiracy against me, there's just no other explanation for the severity of it, but for all I know I may have been able to make it better and just been too stupid to know that). I've had virtually no human interaction offline since high school, and I explained how bad that was. Having no means of leaving the house for so long, I built a life online, and now my whole life is online, and that means no physical contact of any kind, so no losing virginity, no kissing, no partying, nothing except freaking text communication, and sometimes video chat!

I know I need to get out into life IMMEDIATELY, as in RIGHT THIS VERY SECOND, but, I know nothing of the true outside world in terms of how actually living life in it is. But, the whole system is designed for people to learn about life while living with their parents GROWING UP, they don't even teach any life skills in the public school system, and (the conspiracy against me?) forcibly prevented me from being part of the socialness to learn life skills. It really is as if greater forces arranged my entire life, using me as some sort of social experiment, based on 99% of people's lives, that's just the only explanation that makes any sense.

I probably sound really out of it, but you all may be sitting saying look at our test subject's behavior! Look how he reacts from us giving him such an AWFUL LIFE, the life of a COMPLETE LOSER. And then you let me out of home to see how I'd react in a new environment. And you PLANNED for me to spend all my money before I could figure out a long term solution! You might be watching me right now!

Perhaps I've just been isolated for so long I lost my grip on reality and fell into a world that does not exist, but still able to be in both at the same time..........

Maybe you are actually GIVING me the nightmares to put me more and more into insanity!

Did I somehow ESCAPE home against your wishes? Did that make you mad? Did I temporarily break my mind away from the system? And I temporarily gained free will?

I don't know WHAT reality is, but if I'm in a controlled environment and I'm a test subject and my whole life has been a test, a simulation for you to study research, you're gonna lose eventually...
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