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I wish I could be more encouraging but from my research there is a total of one (1) therapist in the entire SF Bay Area who counsels NT spouses with Aspie husbands. And he's not accepting new patients. This geographical area is enormous, so that gives you some idea how rare it is to find competent, relevant therapy.
I thought DH was a person with good principles but he lies to me all the time, making up stories about why he did this or that thing when I know it's the ASD in action. I guess any lie is acceptable if it gets him what he wants, which is to keep me here in shackles. If he loses me, he loses his interpreter. He hides behind me in public. Figuratively, by forcing me to do all the communication with outsiders and literally, by walking directly behind me everywhere even when there is ample room to stroll side by side. I hate it. It's so dehumanizing. No wonder I feel so alone.
Does your DH recognize or respond to emotions and emotional scenes when he sees them on TV or the movies?
I have been close friends with someone with asperger's for half his life and he is very emotional and interested in other's feelings.
Try living with him for 25 years. You might see a very different picture.
I probably could have been friends with DH if I could have kept him at arms-length. Unfortunately for me, I entrusted my emotional welfare to someone who has no idea what's going on most of the time.
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He has trouble knowing how to respond or express feelings appropriately, but there is no question that he cares if you know him at all.
Maybe DH does care but he doesn't care in a way that is useful to me. If he doesn't have a script for a particular situation, he shuts down.
Me: I'm dizzy and I'm having trouble breathing.
Him: (Aha! This has happened before! I have a script!) OK, I'm taking you to Urgent Care.
Me: I'm thinking about killing myself.
Him: What's for dinner?
To me, those two situations are not dissimilar at all. If someone came to me and confessed suicidal ideation, my response would be, "Let's get you some help. We'll do whatever's necessary to get you well again."
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I would hate to hear that people believe aspies don't care about their loved ones as part of this disorder...
We spouses of Aspies believe in our experiences and the painful truths that emerge from them. Other people may find those truths uncomfortable but it doesn't matter what other people believe.
My nephew and a friend have Asperger's. I do believe they care - but as mentioned, it can seem scripted. My friend said he had to read romance novels not for fun, but as if he was studying for a test. When I've written to him, he's fine - you'd never know he had Asperger's.
I wonder if a marriage like these could be helped by writing to each other more, as a way of communicating about deep things.
I don't think so. They just can't relate.
As far as my husband goes, he has been willing to make behavior changes. But, because he's just going through the motions that are 'scripted', he will do it for literally 2 or 3 weeks and then slide right back. It just doesn't click. I think that our issues go back to step one: admitting he has a problem. I don't think he believes he has a problem, but he will go along with it just to keep peace. So, he doesn't stick with it because his heart isn't in it.
I had a relationship with a person with Asperger's back in the days before anyone had every heard of it. I had no idea why he behaved the way he did. I was just baffled. We drifted apart.
25 years later we got in touch again. He wanted to start a relationship. By that time his symptoms had gotten much more intense than they were in his youth. He had no ability to relate to people as people, to enter into their emotional worlds, to be aware of their needs, or even to show interest in them. He was completely consumed by one obsession (his work). He had no understanding of the impact of his actions on others. I decided (easily) that I could never be in a relationship with someone who didn't have the ability OR THE MOTIVATION to see me as a human being with feelings and needs. It's not that he was abusive or mean. In fact he's rather mellow. It's more that he wasn't really aware of my presence. He readily acknowledged that he had Asperger's but had no motivation to learn to relate to people. [Aspies can change but they need to be motivated to do so.] I would also say he has a tendency to use people, to see them in terms of how they can benefit him.
Example of a typical incident: He called me on April 14 as I was doing my taxes at the last minute. He was insistent that I had to go to a party at his house THAT NIGHT. I filed for an extension on my taxes, packed my things, and drove 250 miles to his house, arriving exhausted. He showed no awareness that I was even at the party and when it was over he asked me why I had come. It seemed like he really didn't know why I was there, and he certainly had no awareness of the inconvenience of this 500-mile round trip. Why would an Aspie give a party, you ask? I don't know, because while everyone else was getting to know each other in the normal way, by asking questions (Where are you from? What do you do for work?), my friend told jokes all evening and didn't learn a single thing about anyone else. His behavior was strikingly different from everyone else's. Yes, he's very funny, which makes him likable, but his humor is a very superficial way of relating to people.
We contact each other a few times a year now, but I have zero expectations of him. I still have some affection for him but that is conditioned by the understanding that the relationship is 100% determined by HIS pattern of relating, HIS needs, HIS level of interest, and that that will never change. Today I just refuse to be in a relationship with no mutuality. No one should put herself through that. You have a right to expect mutuality. It makes no sense to resign yourself to the fact that your partner will never change and stay with him.
Sorry to sound so harsh toward Aspies, but mature, thoughtful, sensitive people spend their whole lives trying to become deeper, to understand others better, to form healthier bonds with others. Some would even say that that's the main reason we're here in this life. Those goals just aren't very high on the Aspie's list of priorities, which can set up a deep spiritual rift with others. My friend has achieved a very high level of success in his career (which doesn't involve other people very much), but he really hasn't changed much as a person in the last 40 years. I mean that literally. A relationship should carry both partners forward in their growth, shouldn't it?
Last edited by Last1Standing; 02-14-2017 at 09:45 PM..
Still sounds like sociopathy over aspergers. I found it more like dealing with an emotional maturity level of a child rather than a heartless monster that others apparently see.
Does anyone have a spouse with asperger's? If so, how has it affected your relationship and how do you deal with it?
My husband and I have been to marriage counseling. One of the therapists said she thought my husband may have asperger's. Which, even though I kept it to myself, I had long suspected. So I was relieved when she brought it up. My husband, however, totally balked at the idea. Back in his HS days he and his buddies had made fun of people with aspergers (referring to it as 'a**burner's) so noway could HE have it. So we no longer go to counseling and life goes on.
What I deal with is his lack of empathy and emotion. If something happens to him, yeah he gets upset. But if something happens to me or our kids, he is totally detached. He has to look at the situation and analyze and say, ok this person should not have done that to you. But there is absolutely no emotion, such as anger or feeling bad for the us. He even says he doesn't understand why we are upset. He has apologized to me for not understanding. I sincerely believe he can't help it. I don't take it so personally anymore. But, I just wish he could admit there is some disorder there, so we can work through it better. Like to just trust me sometimes instead of me having to prove it to him when someone is untrustworthy. He has absolutely no sense of other people's motives, he doesn't get body language.
Any advice? How have others coped with a loved one with asperger's?
My ds was never diagnosed, but now that he has a son with autism, he sees his own traits. OTOH, aspergers does NOT mean a lack of empathy.
“A ground-breaking theory suggests people with autism-spectrum disorders such as Asperger’s do not lack empathy – rather, they feel others’ emotions too intensely to cope.”
“People with Asperger’s syndrome, a high functioning form of autism, are often stereotyped as distant loners or robotic geeks. But what if what looks like coldness to the outside world is a response to being overwhelmed by emotion – an excess of empathy, not a lack of it?
This idea resonates with many people suffering from autism-spectrum disorders and their families. It also jibes with the “intense world” theory, a new way of thinking about the nature of autism.
I would venture a guess that it isn't any more intense than anyone else, but there is an inability to cope with certain stressors, especially if someone has difficulty reading others emotions and mental states.
The person I know with the disorder really latched on to the suggestion by his therapist that he feels things more intensely than others. Any reason to feel special in a good way. He was told he "tastes food more intensely" as well, which I am sure is bull****. He only eats highly salted or sugary food, stuff that I find overwhelming. He has strong tastes in food, especially texture, but that is not so abnormal. What is abnormal is his uncouth manner of eating and insistence on eating items in multiples of 2. It seems hard to tease out what is part of the disorder and what isn't, which makes it difficult when the disorder becomes an excuse for everything.
I have AD and I'm probably the opposite of unemotional - I feel things very intensively. Where I struggle is connecting with people and eye contact.
I don't know what to tell you. You have needs and if he is unable to meet those needs you have to be pragmatic and decide whether you love him enough as a person to accept his difficulties, or you have to move on.
I sometimes think it's best for people on the autism spectrum to look for relationships with others on the spectrum. It's easier to be with someone when you're on the same wavelength.
Please understand that he most likely does love you, but it's like having a mental knot in your head when it comes to communication
...especially the part about Affective Deprivation Disorder:
Affective Deprivation Disorder (AfDD) is a relational disorder resulting from the emotional deprivation sometimes experienced by the partner (or child) of persons with a low emotional/empathic quotient or alexithymia.
Coined by researcher Maxine Aston, AfDD was first applied to partners of adults with Asperger Syndrome, many of whom showed disturbing physical and psychological reactions to the lack of emotional reciprocity they were experiencing in their relationship.
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Does your DH recognize or respond to emotions and emotional scenes when he sees them on TV or the movies?
