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I've been hospitalized in institutions more than ten times. I've had psychiatric issues since my early teens but was never treated because my parents didn't want people knowing they had a child with a mental problem. I have no siblings and no close relatives. My first hospitalization came early in twenties and now, closing fast on 60, I am unemployable, isolated, and mostly unloveable. Therapists - and I've had many - have encouraged me to get out and socialize, but I've found that to become just another dead end street. Really, I just don't get along well with people and I can't do anything about my personality. I grew up sheltered. Everyone around me was at least twenty to thirty years old than I was. People always make comments about the way I look. Either my hair is wrong, I'm a midget, not attractive enough, or don't seem feminine enough to be considered "womanly." I am not gay, bi, transgender or anything as such, but I've never been a girly-girl.
I've been unemployed more than twenty years because every job I've ever worked ended up with me being the weakest link. In most cases, other employees didn't want to work with me because I didn't laugh and joke, got sick much of the time, was too slow, and couldn't comprehend how to carry out the simplest tasks. I've dealt with these issues since early childhood but again, the parents ignored it. Somehow, I managed to earn a college degree but the illness always gets in the way of my education being worth anything. So, what do I do in my spare time? Write books that no one buys, and you probably guessed why - my writing sucks.
Right now, I'm at a point in my life of really not caring anymore. I plan to move across country soon, getting away from a place that I've never belonged but got stuck just for taking care of those parents who were too embarrassed to seek help. Now I don't know if I can blame them so much and figure that I'll die without ever having a relatable connection with another human being. I mean, who else in this world is a mental patient in and out of hospitals more than ten - closer to fifteen - times, a college graduate, a loner, suffering with personality disorder, no drugs, no drinking, poor physical health, barely any family, friends, little money, and yet still spends time, day-in, day-out, working on hobby that brings in no additional income?
You suffer from very low self esteem, and you need to find others who feel like you do. Guess what might happen?
Yep, you guessed right, you might develop a relationship with someone who has the same problems you do, and can understand what you are going through. And then you won't have to go through things alone. Just because no one is buying your books does not mean your writing "sucks", many writers don't sell many books, and that does not mean their writing sucks either.
Have you thought out your move? You know, wherever you go, you'll take your problems with you. A change of scenery might give you a fresh start, but its important you have made a plan in advance and your move is not made in haste.
You need to find a group of people who can understand what you are going thru, and seek out some kind of group therapy. You will meet others and be able to discuss your problems with others, as well as the benefits of therapy. By dwelling on all that is wrong in your life you extinguish any spark that can lead to improved relationships with others. If insanity is repeating the same actions and expecting a different result, then quit repeating these same actions. Find out about the benefits of gratitude. It sounds as if you have ample time on your hands, start learning about being thankful for the things you do have in your life, and start concentrating on that instead. Your attitude is 100% up to you.
Low self-esteem seems to be a term thrown around quite a lot. It's used mostly to create an atmosphere of "me over you," or "you're doing it all wrong," as would those people who call others "short" or " inferior" or "crazy." I don't see where I mentioned or as much as hinted around to not being grateful for what I have. What I've said has nothing to do with being grateful or not. It has to do with reality, experiences, and the fact that I do have a somewhat awkward disposition. That by itself is not anyone's fault, but neither is my inability in relating to other people. I certainly don't fault myself for being very different in growing up or choosing a reclusive lifestyle. And yes, I've already been to group therapy many times and never got much out of it really. I also do get around quite a bit and get as much I can take anyhow… of socializing. I just don't really enjoy up close and personal interaction very much. Way back when I was kid at playtime, I couldn't wait for the other kid to go home so I could get back to playing alone.
Again, I'm a mental patient of thirty-something years with serious thought process issues since I was eleven years old. I have been severely assaulted in mental institution. Again, I've never been an alcoholic or drug addict. I don't fit in with most of the people that I've been locked up with. I don't fit in with most people out here in life, but I accept it. Other people don't.
The thing about moving is people do it all time. Some people need to go where the work is. Some need to go where the weather doesn't affect them so much. Some need access to certain resources. It isn't always about running away or thinking that everything will be coming up roses just because one moves to in a different town. I sure won't be any less reclusive - and the personality/mental issues will be the same where I'm going as where I am now. What I'm doing now, and will always do, is work things out the best I can with what I've got.
I've been hospitalized in institutions more than ten times. I've had psychiatric issues since my early teens but was never treated because my parents didn't want people knowing they had a child with a mental problem. I have no siblings and no close relatives. My first hospitalization came early in twenties and now, closing fast on 60, I am unemployable, isolated, and mostly unloveable. Therapists - and I've had many - have encouraged me to get out and socialize, but I've found that to become just another dead end street. Really, I just don't get along well with people and I can't do anything about my personality. I grew up sheltered. Everyone around me was at least twenty to thirty years old than I was. People always make comments about the way I look. Either my hair is wrong, I'm a midget, not attractive enough, or don't seem feminine enough to be considered "womanly." I am not gay, bi, transgender or anything as such, but I've never been a girly-girl.
I've been unemployed more than twenty years because every job I've ever worked ended up with me being the weakest link. In most cases, other employees didn't want to work with me because I didn't laugh and joke, got sick much of the time, was too slow, and couldn't comprehend how to carry out the simplest tasks. I've dealt with these issues since early childhood but again, the parents ignored it. Somehow, I managed to earn a college degree but the illness always gets in the way of my education being worth anything. So, what do I do in my spare time? Write books that no one buys, and you probably guessed why - my writing sucks.
Right now, I'm at a point in my life of really not caring anymore. I plan to move across country soon, getting away from a place that I've never belonged but got stuck just for taking care of those parents who were too embarrassed to seek help. Now I don't know if I can blame them so much and figure that I'll die without ever having a relatable connection with another human being. I mean, who else in this world is a mental patient in and out of hospitals more than ten - closer to fifteen - times, a college graduate, a loner, suffering with personality disorder, no drugs, no drinking, poor physical health, barely any family, friends, little money, and yet still spends time, day-in, day-out, working on hobby that brings in no additional income?
I don't think moving is a bad idea. My instinct is for you to focus on your physical health for a while. And maybe seek out a job where you have minimal interaction with people so your lack of interest in socialization won't be a problem. they do exist!
I don't think moving is a bad idea. My instinct is for you to focus on your physical health for a while. And maybe seek out a job where you have minimal interaction with people so your lack of interest in socialization won't be a problem. they do exist!
Yes...or a work from home job might work great for you....
Are you currently seeing a psychiatrist, taking meds, having therapy?
Low self-esteem seems to be a term thrown around quite a lot. It's used mostly to create an atmosphere of "me over you," or "you're doing it all wrong," as would those people who call others "short" or " inferior" or "crazy." I don't see where I mentioned or as much as hinted around to not being grateful for what I have. What I've said has nothing to do with being grateful or not. It has to do with reality, experiences, and the fact that I do have a somewhat awkward disposition. That by itself is not anyone's fault, but neither is my inability in relating to other people. I certainly don't fault myself for being very different in growing up or choosing a reclusive lifestyle. And yes, I've already been to group therapy many times and never got much out of it really. I also do get around quite a bit and get as much I can take anyhow… of socializing. I just don't really enjoy up close and personal interaction very much. Way back when I was kid at playtime, I couldn't wait for the other kid to go home so I could get back to playing alone.
Again, I'm a mental patient of thirty-something years with serious thought process issues since I was eleven years old. I have been severely assaulted in mental institution. Again, I've never been an alcoholic or drug addict. I don't fit in with most of the people that I've been locked up with. I don't fit in with most people out here in life, but I accept it. Other people don't.
The thing about moving is people do it all time. Some people need to go where the work is. Some need to go where the weather doesn't affect them so much. Some need access to certain resources. It isn't always about running away or thinking that everything will be coming up roses just because one moves to in a different town. I sure won't be any less reclusive - and the personality/mental issues will be the same where I'm going as where I am now. What I'm doing now, and will always do, is work things out the best I can with what I've got.
Well it certainly does not sound like you are looking for a second opinion, and have your mind made up based on your life experiences. And that is totally understandable. I’m not sure what you are looking for, perhaps just need to vent, but I do hope you find some peace in your life and that your move goes well for you. I don’t like where I live either and am planning on getting out of here in a few years myself, so I can totally relate to that.
Good luck with your move.
Well it certainly does not sound like you are looking for a second opinion, and have your mind made up based on your life experiences. And that is totally understandable. I’m not sure what you are looking for, perhaps just need to vent, but I do hope you find some peace in your life and that your move goes well for you. I don’t like where I live either and am planning on getting out of here in a few years myself, so I can totally relate to that.
Good luck with your move.
Yes...or a work from home job might work great for you....
Are you currently seeing a psychiatrist, taking meds, having therapy?
This is exactly the reason for my choosing to write and design book covers. Unfortunately, no psychiatrist or therapist will see me. I have no mental health insurance and cannot afford it. The free clinics are filled with techs who have terrible manners toward those of us with mental illness and the turnover rate is about monthly. Those places are also full of hostile, violent, and drug-addicted people. Again, I just don't get along well with that. Plus, I was taken off all meds long ago because they just don't work. Quite honestly, I do believe that I'm just one of those people that doesn't fit in anywhere and would much rather be alone and productive in my own way than forced to be around unruly, violent-natured people.
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Maybe I should call myself "disagree."
