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Old 09-07-2018, 09:17 AM
 
Location: indianapolis.
301 posts, read 186,967 times
Reputation: 634

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Quote:
Originally Posted by coolcats View Post
I really worry her mental health will drop off if we split up.
I get this, believe me. For so long, I feared that telling my mom how I really felt, leaving her to figure it out on her own, expressing support for having her institutionalized and so on was going to be what drove her to suicide. I thought that if she killed herself, it would be my fault. Because I could have stayed. I could have said "nice" things to her instead of the truth. I could have lied to her and pretended that seeing her in that state wasn't having a devastating affect on me. And for a really long time, I did all those things. But it made me sick too. I started purging food at 11. I developed paranoia and agoraphobia and some mild OCD ticks. I lived in a constant state of worry and fear that if I ever left, one day my phone was going to ring and it was going to be someone telling me my mother was dead and that it was my fault. There were dark moments where I even hoped for that phone call, because maybe then I could pick up the pieces and move on.

I was 20 years old when two of my aunts stepped in and had her committed, finally. Bless them. It has taken 8+ years of weekly therapy sessions for me to work through the things that I've seen and to process the affect that all of this has had on my own mental health. Learning to accept that she is not my responsibility is something I'm still doing. Learning to accept that what she does is a combination of her disease and her own choices is hard. The guilt is still very heavy and I think it always will be.

Listen. Her mental health could absolutely decline if/when you split up. If it does, it is not your fault. You must take care of your kids and you must take care of yourself, end of story. Loving mentally ill people is one of the hardest things to do. You don't stop loving them, you just love them differently. Sometimes loving them means making the tough choices.
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Old 09-07-2018, 10:02 AM
 
9,712 posts, read 7,534,804 times
Reputation: 24112
Sadly, we have had too many similar situations in our family. I strongly suggest you divorce and build a safe home for your children, eventually even remarrying a healthy spouse so you can model a loving home for them.

Just be prepared and extra cautious during the divorce period when emotions and threatening actions get worse.

My husband's first wife was BPD. She raged against him and one of their children. She threatened suicide all the time and attempted it several times. She tried to kill him twice, once with a gun and once with her car because he wouldn't do what she wanted. Their kids are grown now, good jobs, many friends and parents themselves. The one that was the target refuses to have a relationship with her mother because she still won't get psychiatric help. The kids wish dad would've divorced earlier so their childhood years wouldn't have been so traumatic.

My own daughter just walked away from a long term relationship with a man who had psych issues that she hid from us. Every time she tried to leave he would threaten suicide and she would stay and try to help him. A few weeks after she left him for good, he stole a car, a gun and broke into her house with the plan to kill her then himself. Luckily she was warned by police and was able to get away before he got to her house. The police got him and took him right to the psych hospital.

OP, please don't think things won't escalate. And in this country, you are allowed to divorce. You are not forced to stay with someone. You are allowed to rebuild your life without the stress and drama. I recommend not having her stay on your property, that's too close.

I'm sorry you're going through this and it will probably get worse before you're through the process.
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Old 09-07-2018, 01:45 PM
 
1,569 posts, read 1,000,721 times
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I feel for you.I had been married to someone who has a mental illness.I know all too well about having to deal with someone who was in/out of psychiatric units in the hospital.He was lazy as heck..wouldn't keep a job.He would be on his meds for 6 months and then go back off of them again claiming that he felt fine...UGH!! I divorced his butt because I was not going to allow this person to take me down with him BECAUSE that is what they will do the longer you stay with them.Nothing gets better as long as they're NOT going to stick to their meds and understand that THEY need to be responsible for their care.I'm not anyones mother and wasn't going to stay married to someone who wanted me to mother them..hell no.
You shouldn't have had any more kids with this person once she was diagnosed with her illness.Do NOT stay together for the kids because people who are unstable makes their kids lives a living hell.Imagine your kids having to deal with more years of her being unstable..it's NOT fair for them nor YOU! Get that divorce going pronto...get full custody of the kids because no judge in their right mind would ever allow her to have full custody or even 50/50 custody because she's not stable! Get this done..get out of the toxic mess so you and your children can be free of her insane life she chooses to live because I take it that she's not taking any meds or does when she wants to ...

Last edited by codergirl; 09-07-2018 at 02:00 PM..
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Old 09-07-2018, 06:46 PM
 
4,717 posts, read 3,232,378 times
Reputation: 12122
I highly recommend a site for Significant Others of people with Bipolar Disorder (not sure if it's OK to post links, so do a search on Bipolar Significant Others). At the time I participated it was an e-mail list (early days of the Internet) and I found it a great resource for people dealing with the same issues- many had it even worse than I did.
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Old 09-07-2018, 07:07 PM
 
5,457 posts, read 3,330,089 times
Reputation: 12165
OP,

I'm a bi-polar woman.

You do know that your wife is mentally ill and will do things a healthy person would not say or do, right? But you are blaming her for all the things wrong in your marriage yet she is suffering a horrible, severe disease with which most of the time she is traveling on a roller coaster ride and there is no cure for.

The sexual bit is a well-known symptom of mania, the partying, drug and alcohols use is a form of medication for her. Substance abuse is another symptom.

I think marriage counseling is the wrong place to go. A Bi-polar cannot get much out of it because they have no control over their moods and can't promise anything or keep appointments or make plans.

Have you or your kids taken part in any mental health counseling on your own and groups for people in your same situation? You should be be. That's going to help you and the whole family get through the rocky bits. Your wife is sick and should be taken care of with TLC, after all she is your WIFE. Forget about how she has hurt you but think about how you can make her life better.

In my life it took until 2014 when I was 60 to find a shrink who got me onto several medications, finely-balanced, and customized for my own brand of BP. It is a very very fine balance to treat this correctly. My med dosages change several times a year because my shrink monitors me monthly or weekly or every 2 weeks depending on the problem I am feeling at the time. Imagine what my life was like for 60 years without proper help. My life was ruined.

I think your wife has not found her shrink yet. Get busy with that.

It can be done and you will be happier for it. Good luck.
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Old 09-07-2018, 09:38 PM
 
4,096 posts, read 6,172,704 times
Reputation: 7406
My point to stay with her is SO THAT you be instrumental in her care process. She will not find care alone, she has a mental illness. Like kitty61 above said, your wife is not ABLE to just stop what she is doing and marriage counseling is not the answer. She needs to be evaluated, medicated appropriately and have a support system that understands that this is a mental illness, not bad behavior.

How much research have you done about this illness? There is a lot out there. I would encourage you to look at this from a mental illness standpoint rather than from being personally hurt. Bi polar can be controlled with the right meds. Will she take them? And stay on them? Well that’s her only hope for a sane life. Who knows now. But many people do live successfully with bi polar. If they have a support system.

It’s very popular to distance from mentally ill people but severing that connection when you have children together is nearly impossible. If you don’t help the mother of your children who will? Are there others in her life that care for her and will help her?

I’m sorry this is happening, it’s very hard.
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Old 09-07-2018, 11:11 PM
 
1,821 posts, read 7,708,705 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by kitty61 View Post
OP,
You do know that your wife is mentally ill and will do things a healthy person would not say or do, right? But you are blaming her for all the things wrong in your marriage yet she is suffering a horrible, severe disease with which most of the time she is traveling on a roller coaster ride and there is no cure for.
Yes I do know that. One of the issues I have is she is not taking personal responsibility for her actions. In the letter she wrote, she said its all because I haven't given her enough support. I feel for you in your position, but you also need to realize that at some point severe damage to the rest of the family is occuring.

Quote:
Originally Posted by kitty61 View Post
OP,
The sexual bit is a well-known symptom of mania, the partying, drug and alcohols use is a form of medication for her. Substance abuse is another symptom.
I wish this could all be blamed on mania. But it was continuous over the course of a year, during both up and down times. In fact sometimes when she would feel down, she would do it more to get a self-esteem boost.

Quote:
Originally Posted by kitty61 View Post
I think marriage counseling is the wrong place to go. A Bi-polar cannot get much out of it because they have no control over their moods and can't promise anything or keep appointments or make plans.

Have you or your kids taken part in any mental health counseling on your own and groups for people in your same situation? You should be be. That's going to help you and the whole family get through the rocky bits. Your wife is sick and should be taken care of with TLC, after all she is your WIFE. Forget about how she has hurt you but think about how you can make her life better.
Marriage counseling is what she wants to do. She also goes to individual counselors, until they make her uncomfortable. Then she quits and maybe finds someone else for a few session. Then she quits again. Same thing with the marriage counselor. The counselor made her feel uncomfortable and she now wants a different one that will push more of the blame onto me.

I have attended NAMI family to family. NAMI support groups. Did individual counseling about 18 months ago, to try to figure out how to better handle things. I do need to do more for the kids. Finally, yes she is my wife, but at some point it becomes too damaging to stay. I hate the feeling, but I feel like we are at the point.
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Old 09-07-2018, 11:20 PM
 
1,821 posts, read 7,708,705 times
Reputation: 1044
Quote:
Originally Posted by Kayekaye View Post
My point to stay with her is SO THAT you be instrumental in her care process. She will not find care alone, she has a mental illness. Like kitty61 above said, your wife is not ABLE to just stop what she is doing and marriage counseling is not the answer. She needs to be evaluated, medicated appropriately and have a support system that understands that this is a mental illness, not bad behavior.
She is on a cocktail of three meds, which are constantly being changed and adjusted. She sees a psychiatrist at least monthly. She's has hospitalizations when things get too intense. I get she can't always control it. But I don't know it's fair to expect the entire family to just endure it forever.

Quote:
Originally Posted by Kayekaye View Post

How much research have you done about this illness? There is a lot out there. I would encourage you to look at this from a mental illness standpoint rather than from being personally hurt. Bi polar can be controlled with the right meds. Will she take them? And stay on them? Well that’s her only hope for a sane life. Who knows now. But many people do live successfully with bi polar. If they have a support system
I've done a whole lot of research. Books on bipolar. Books on borderline personality, which she exhibits symptoms of. NAMI groups. Internet research. Meetings with her psychiatrist and doctors. Again she is not meds that are always being adjusted. At best we tread water. At worst be are losing ground no matter what is tried.

Quote:
Originally Posted by Kayekaye View Post
It’s very popular to distance from mentally ill people but severing that connection when you have children together is nearly impossible. If you don’t help the mother of your children who will? Are there others in her life that care for her and will help her?
I'm not considering this because it's popular. But if I do she has her parents (getting up there in years). A brother and sister, out of state. Look I don't want to just abandon her. That would be the easy way. But more damaging for her and the kids. But it's also to the point that it's really, really harmful for the family.
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Old 09-08-2018, 02:34 PM
 
5,457 posts, read 3,330,089 times
Reputation: 12165
Quote:
Originally Posted by lunalvr View Post
I get this, believe me. For so long, I feared that telling my mom how I really felt, leaving her to figure it out on her own, expressing support for having her institutionalized and so on was going to be what drove her to suicide. I thought that if she killed herself, it would be my fault. Because I could have stayed. I could have said "nice" things to her instead of the truth. I could have lied to her and pretended that seeing her in that state wasn't having a devastating affect on me. And for a really long time, I did all those things. But it made me sick too. I started purging food at 11. I developed paranoia and agoraphobia and some mild OCD ticks. I lived in a constant state of worry and fear that if I ever left, one day my phone was going to ring and it was going to be someone telling me my mother was dead and that it was my fault. There were dark moments where I even hoped for that phone call, because maybe then I could pick up the pieces and move on.

I was 20 years old when two of my aunts stepped in and had her committed, finally. Bless them. It has taken 8+ years of weekly therapy sessions for me to work through the things that I've seen and to process the affect that all of this has had on my own mental health. Learning to accept that she is not my responsibility is something I'm still doing. Learning to accept that what she does is a combination of her disease and her own choices is hard. The guilt is still very heavy and I think it always will be.

Listen. Her mental health could absolutely decline if/when you split up. If it does, it is not your fault. You must take care of your kids and you must take care of yourself, end of story. Loving mentally ill people is one of the hardest things to do. You don't stop loving them, you just love them differently. Sometimes loving them means making the tough choices.
You have the opportunity to change things and release your guilt but it is a far cry from being mentally ill like I presume you mother is and not be able to release her mental illness like you can do with guilt.

There is still an aspect in your post that blames the mentally ill person for your own problems. And you are not alone in that. Mental illness remains to be misunderstood by the majority of the population and largely swept under the rug because of stigma and lack of education.

None of this means your mental health should be exchanged for another person's. But the problem is your own guilt and so it lies with you (and not your mother) to change it.
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Old 09-09-2018, 01:30 AM
 
1,717 posts, read 1,668,973 times
Reputation: 2203
You've already experienced the worst. It's up to you to decide if you can handle more. If the kids can handle more. They've already experienced mom when she's 'not well' and in the hospital. I bet they've had to fend for themselves a lot, be self sufficient because she wasn't there for them.

I don't know if a divorce will improve your situation. She will still be around, sharing the kids in some fashion. She won't have someone in her corner keeping an eye on her. Does she think this sexting is innocent? Does she feel guilty? She should be in therapy if you can get her to go.

I feel for you.
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