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I am an only child with no real biological family to speak of (this does not count my husband and son who mean more to me than anything) except for my mentally ill mother-who I beleive is suffering from an extreme case of schizophrenia. For years of growing up in a home with her (my parents divorced when I was 9) I just thought she was crazy, bitter, etc. As an adult, I have done a lot of research and now understand that she is very ill, but she refuses to see that there is anything wrong with her. We have been estranged for 3 years and I recently spoke with her, hoping that the time spent apart would have forced her to seek guidance from someone, preferably, a mental health professional. After speaking with her for just a few moments, I realized that if anything, she is worse, sicker than ever and I am amazed she is able to get from point a to point b without help or medication. I told her that she needs help and that I cannot have a relationship with her unless she agrees to get it. She says she is fine and is not in need of help-it's usually everyone else who has the problem, not her. I am so resentful that I have grown up without a "mother" but feel so conflicted because ultimately, I know she is very ill and it is not her fault. I am looking for someone who can relate to me
I can relate to your situation. I grew up the only child of a mother who has had schizophrenic episodes for as long as i can remember. My dad said it seemed to begin when she was pregnant with me. I am now 54 and she is 80. My father, God bless him, has stuck with her through thick and thin and she did her best for me as a child, but my life revolved around her, and still does - having to think through everything I do and say so as not to set her off. It has held me back in many ways and I too feel robbed of my childhood. My father recently suffered a stroke and my lovely supportive family (my husband and two daughters) have rallied round to help with everything. Nothing has been too much trouble for us - we have been glad to do something practical to help. Six months later he is still not fully recovered and wheelchair bound. The strain is showing and she has seen off the daily carers as she didn't like the invasion in her house. Im waiting for her to get rid of the physiotherapist next. A few days ago she decided she didnt want me around any more and practically threw me out of her house. I have tried to maintain contact but get the same response each time - apparently my husband and I are "bloody two-faced"! In all honesty we have done NOTHING to deserve this. My dad said just leave her be for a while she will come right again. I feel totally drained and horrified and so does my husband. My thoughts are with you. God Bless.
I also grew up with a mother who has bipolar disorder. I am 21 currently, and it is still a huge struggle. I am in college and consistently have trouble staying in serious relationships and keeping in touch with my mom. It is very difficult to separate the parent from their illness...I find it nearly impossible. I tend to forget her illness until I arrive home and the cycle continues. It's difficult to discuss it with my friends who have normal parents. It is also bizarre to look back and realize all those inconsistencies and irrational behavior...it was all I had known, so it was 'normal' to me for mothers to go on ridiculous shopping sprees and rages. I'm still in the angry/guilty phase, but of course I'd love to be in the acceptance state. I wish I knew someone my age who was in the same situation...My siblings hate talking about it and regardless of how hard my friends try to understand, it is nearly impossible. I was wondering if anyone could possibly help me with my situation..?!
I know what you mean about people not understanding. My father was a paranoid schizophrenic. He kept all the doors double/triple locked (at one point our front door was locked by no less than 4 locks with a spare tire rolled in front) to keep out whatever was aparently lurking right outside our particular door.
All the curtains were kept pulled shut and the windows firmly latched. We could briefly look out the window but weren't allowed to keep them open very long.
By 5 pm we all had to be inside the house so he could put the house in a "lock down". I wasn't allowed outide alone--the bad man would get me.
My childhood was like living in prison.
When I told my husband all this he said my childhood was "no big deal". "So he kept you inside. Big deal." I, on the other hand, feel like a parolee since I've moved away.
My heart goes out to you for what you have endured. I think it is healthy for you to be thinking about whether you want these family members in your life. As far as your mom suddenly stopping, it is a bit strange. Mental illness is not easy to analyze or figure out. Have you ever asked a therapist this question, someone who is TRAINED to be able to work with bipolar patients? That is where I would begin, if it were me. It would be great if a member could answer your question. Perhaps your mom had something else going on besides bipolar...possibly psychosis, which can happen with bipolar illness. My own mother would go off on tirades similar to this, but she was never diagnosed because anytime there were issues with us kids, she would take the so called 'problem child' to a psychiatrist and insist that he fix her kid, but NOT her (so she said). She would have no part in the sessions other than to take the kid to the doc. I have had no contact with certain family members for over a decade. I need a 'time out'! I have many problems of my own that need to be addressed. And, last but not least, we all need distance from people who aren't working on their own mental health and abuse issues.
what do i do when i've become her? god help me i've turned into her!! my mother is/was bipolar. started self-medicating w/ alcohol when i was in middle school. i'm 35 now. recently went & talked to a psychiatrist who diagnosed me as bipolar. i tried & tried. I can't cope w/o the alcohol. i've turned into my own worst demon. Lord please help me what do i do??
I know what you mean about people not understanding. My father was a paranoid schizophrenic. He kept all the doors double/triple locked (at one point our front door was locked by no less than 4 locks with a spare tire rolled in front) to keep out whatever was aparently lurking right outside our particular door.
All the curtains were kept pulled shut and the windows firmly latched. We could briefly look out the window but weren't allowed to keep them open very long.
By 5 pm we all had to be inside the house so he could put the house in a "lock down". I wasn't allowed outide alone--the bad man would get me.
My childhood was like living in prison.
When I told my husband all this he said my childhood was "no big deal". "So he kept you inside. Big deal." I, on the other hand, feel like a parolee since I've moved away.
My partner has the same outlook. He grew up on a farm and they did not have a lot of money. Before my father was diagnosed we were lucky that he and my mum had worked so hard to build thier own business and had the little luxuries in life that most average children do not experience, let alone struggling families. When my father became ill we lost everything due to him being the soul income earner in our family. The business, our house, car and assets were sold off one by one. My mother was left with bills she could no longer afford, a house she could not sell due to the fact that my ill father would not agree to sign the papers and me and my brother and my sister knew that the worst thing was not losing all of the material surroundings we had grown up with- but losing our father and our family.
My partner tells me how he has had to scrape for money all of his life and things were never easy for his family, but luckily he has always had the support of his family, me and my siblings were left to watch as our family fell apart with our mother struggling to find the hope and courage to face another day whilst our dad wasted away in a mental hospital.
Visiting him in the hospital at 17 with my 15 year old sister and 8 year old brother alone was so hard for me. I felt like I had to protect them and be brave so that they would feel safe and think that it was ok to visit dad in the hospital. I have never felt so hopeless when my little brother broke down in tears as he slumped to the ground in the car park as we left the hospital and sobbed uncontrollably barely able to hold himself together. "Where's dad, I want my dad to come home, please make him come home. We need our dad to look after us, mum can't do it without dad!" he kept saying. It was horrible scooping him up in my arms and putting him in my car knowing that I felt the exact same way but there was nothing I could do.
Even now as each and every event passes my father seems to destroy what should be a happy memory. I know he is sick, but I cannot help but feel hurt and so unimportant to him after all I do for him. I have just turned 21, my father will not be at my birthday - he called to tell me that he did not feel like it and that I do not support him and that our family only loved him when he made lots of money. I know he doesn't mean all of those things, but I cant help but feel angry at the thought of my own dad not wanting to at least come and wish me a happy birthday purely because he does not want to.
Im sure I will have a lovely day and the rest of my family will support me and celebrate this special day, but I know only too well that a part of me will remember how wonderful my dad was before he became sick and I will wish that just for a second that man I once knew would come back for a moment to say just how proud of me he is and wish me all of the wonderful things in the world, if only there was such a cure..
When my father became ill we lost everything........................................ ......
I have never felt so hopeless when my little brother broke down in tears as he slumped to the ground in the car park as we left the hospital and sobbed uncontrollably barely able to hold himself together.......................................... .......
Even now as each and every event passes my father seems to destroy what should be a happy memory. I know he is sick, but I cannot help but feel hurt and so unimportant to him after all I do for him. I have just turned 21, my father will not be at my birthday - he called to tell me that he did not feel like it and that I do not support him and that our family only loved him when he made lots of money. ..............................................
I'm sure I will have a lovely day and the rest of my family will support me and celebrate this special day, but I know only too well that a part of me will remember how wonderful my dad was before he became sick and I will wish that just for a second that man I once knew would come back for a moment to say just how proud of me he is and wish me all of the wonderful things in the world, if only there was such a cure..
GoldenGirl89:
So so sorry you have to go through this stuff. Your story touches my soul because I can directly relate to some of the feelings you're having. I'm 45 years old. "Grew up", for lack of a better term, with a sick Dad so I know what you're going through, and probably what you might go through in the future. Don't let anyone try to tell you that it "wasn't that bad" etc. I went through hell as a child, pure mental hell. I really hate how family members try to hide all the problems, say "it's ok, we'll get through it" yeah yeah yeah........ I remember my Dad getting progressively more ill as I got older. My earliest recalled memories probably start 7-8 years old although I do recall having childhood "issues", like wetting myself in kindergarten because I was afraid to use the bathroom. So I'm sure my Dad was not well even then. As I got older I started to feel like your brother, like "what is wrong with my Dad?", "Why is he so mean?", "Why are my friends asking what is wrong with my Dad". Boy I would have loved to have the internet back then Maybe I could have reached out like you're doing now? Probably not though, my Dad would most likely have smashed my PC. Please do me a real big favor and continue to seek help for you and your family. Like I said, I'm FORTY FIVE years old and I still have to deal with my Dad and "explain" him to people from time to time. I undertand about the holidays, birthdays etc. I still get depressed around the holidays for no reason. The joy and celebration, for some reason, is just not understood by those that are sick. It's not their fault. It has to do with them not having the same feeelings as we do. It's not that they don't care, they just don't have the ability to feel that "specialness" as we do. It is truly sad. So I do understand, I'm really having a hard time typing right now....remembering when my Dad promised me he'd help me get my first car when I was 16. When I was 15 that's all I could think about. My best friend Joe (yes I did have some dear friends thank God) kept asking, when is your Dad going to help you? What car are you going to get? Well that day never came......... That really botherd me, let down yet again.........
I certainly wish for a cure like we all do, but depending on the severity of the disease there is only so much that can be done I'm afraid. You have to accept that now. You can only do so much to help someone. When I was your age (started earlier like 16) I really got messed up. Rebellious, drugs, parties, speeding and eventually I almost went to prison for getting loaded and beating on several policeman. It took a big screwup like that to get me straightened out. I was mad at the world because of how I was treated all those years. I was mad because I was not given a normal Dad like all of my friends. I was mad because Dad embarrassed me when I had friends over. So I ended up hanging out with the other lost souls because I could only feel accepted in that group. I felt too embarressed to hang out with the "normal" people. I eventually got a handle on things, got out on my own, got married etc. but these problems I still carry inside. And I know they'll be there forever. But I've got to be vigilant and continue to move forward. I have kids of my own now and recently went through hell with an alcoholic spouse (maybe I felt that I could only have a relationship in that environment?) and recent divorce. But this time around I did what I had to do. I got help. I got almost everyone I could engaged to help. Unfortunately my son now developed some real issues resulting from my bad marriage and divorce. But he's doing way better. Lots of therapy and as much love as I can give him has helped. My biggest fear is that my kids get ill someday. If that were to happen I'm not sure I could survive that. But like I said reach out to your community. You're not alone in this.
God Bless
I took conservatorship of my mother (schizophrenic) and made sure that she had a shot every month-at that time it was Haldol. The shot lasted a month, kept the schizophrenia under control, and allowed her to have a normal life at least for the last 15 years of her life. Through our local mental health group and the conservatorship I was able to "make" her take the shot even if she ddin't want to. it was hard to be in "control" of an adult parents life-but it allowed her to spend time with her grandchildren and the rest of the family-it also allowed my sister and I to see the woman she could have been if she were not so ill.
I am new here and want to say hello everyone. I felt so alone in this even though I have 2 sisters and 1 brother. We all are dealing with my mother differently. I have an older sister, I am 5 years younger than her and then I have a twin brother and sister who are 10 yrs younger than me. My mother was not horrible, just very unpredictable. I was afraid to ask her questions because I didnt want her to yell. She yelled ALL the time. Then other times her and I would go shopping together and have a good time. She was very confusing. About 2 years ago she went through a divorce and that is when it all changed for the worse. Her and my father divorced when I was 2 and she had been w/my step father since I was 6. So he was like a father to me. When they were going thru the divorce she told me I was not to see him anymore. I am 34 yrs old! He is my kids grandfather! I didnt want to be in the middle of this! So I would have to sneak off to visit with him and she would find out and go off! Her and my younger sister got into it with me on the phone and I heard her say to my little sister that she hated her and she was not her daughter and that she disowned her for being her fathers dauther. I had had it after that and have never looked at her the same since then. Its too long of a story to tell, but it was bad. My older sister and her have a relationship. I don't feel comfortable around her and so now me and my older sister don't talk like we used to. I feel like my mom is tearing the family apart. I want nothing to do with her, but I know she is sick. I just dont have the energy to deal with her ups and downs and I wonder, will I end up like her too? My grandmother does the same kind of things but she would never admit to being bipolar. My mom admits it and will use it as an excuse to be mean. I don't know what to do. I just don't want to end up like her. So I know how a lot of you feel. Thanks for reading.
I am new here and want to say hello everyone. I felt so alone in this even though I have 2 sisters and 1 brother. We all are dealing with my mother differently. I have an older sister, I am 5 years younger than her and then I have a twin brother and sister who are 10 yrs younger than me. My mother was not horrible, just very unpredictable. I was afraid to ask her questions because I didnt want her to yell. She yelled ALL the time. Then other times her and I would go shopping together and have a good time. She was very confusing. About 2 years ago she went through a divorce and that is when it all changed for the worse. Her and my father divorced when I was 2 and she had been w/my step father since I was 6. So he was like a father to me. When they were going thru the divorce she told me I was not to see him anymore. I am 34 yrs old! He is my kids grandfather! I didnt want to be in the middle of this! So I would have to sneak off to visit with him and she would find out and go off! Her and my younger sister got into it with me on the phone and I heard her say to my little sister that she hated her and she was not her daughter and that she disowned her for being her fathers dauther. I had had it after that and have never looked at her the same since then. Its too long of a story to tell, but it was bad. My older sister and her have a relationship. I don't feel comfortable around her and so now me and my older sister don't talk like we used to. I feel like my mom is tearing the family apart. I want nothing to do with her, but I know she is sick. I just dont have the energy to deal with her ups and downs and I wonder, will I end up like her too? My grandmother does the same kind of things but she would never admit to being bipolar. My mom admits it and will use it as an excuse to be mean. I don't know what to do. I just don't want to end up like her. So I know how a lot of you feel. Thanks for reading.
So sorry for what you are going through. Find some professional help for yourself. WWW.Nami.org is good for family members; there are chapters in every state. Good luck!
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