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Old 08-02-2021, 10:04 AM
 
2 posts, read 1,678 times
Reputation: 10

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Good morning to all, I hope you've had a nice weekend. I've searched the internet for quite some time and read many similar stories, yet have not found a solution to overcome this personal issue. I think it is a form of OCD / Rumination.

I would like to start off by stating that I'm fully aware it's an issue within myself, not my partner or past partners. I have tried to overcome this issue multiple different ways. From online courses, reading of books, to utilizing 2 different counselors. In addition, I visited a specialist and tried to receive A.R.T. (Accelerated Resolution Therapy) which helps those with PTSD and other forms of trauma. Unfortunately, this issue is still alive and well (or BAD).

I'm a 30 year old male who if you met in person, would likely instantly get along with. I'm a down to earth, laid back, friendly, business owner who tries to have a deep understanding for all things. While most areas of my life are great, I struggle SIGNIFICANTLY with thoughts of my partner's sexual past.

This all started when I was 17 years old and entered my 1st "serious" relationship. She and I were both virgins, yet she had Mod cut. with a guy. She didn't tell me until 8 months into the relationship and for some reason, it flared up visual thoughts of the act occurring with her. We dated for 2-3 years but those thoughts remained throughout the entire relationship and caused me A LOT of anxiety and depression.

I was then single for a couple of years and dated very casually, with these thoughts showing no sign of being around anymore. I thought I was free of them. Until I developed the feeling of love towards someone. Then all of the past stories they had told me (that didn't matter when we were strictly friends) came to the forefront of my mind and the same thing happened.. I grew distant, less affectionate, etc.

Throughout my 20's this occurred in nearly every relationship. It didn't matter if they had been with 0 guys, 5 guys, 10 guys, 12 guys, or 20 guys. My mind always found something to latch onto and dwell on.


My current relationship is one that I thought would've been a dream come true. She and I have been very close friends since we were 15-16 years old (since 10th grade in HS). We always had a magnetic pull towards each other and felt that we were to be together, however college took us separate ways. Throughout our 20's, we remained close and visited each other a few times a year. Upon graduating with her Master's, she decided to move to where I'm located to pursue a relationship. Unfortunately a casual conversation was had regarding our sexual pasts. She stated that she had always thought she had something wrong with her, as she never craved anyone sexually, not even guys she had dated for 1-3 years. That she would look for excuses to avoid sex with them and that she cared for them more on a "friend level" and enjoyed their intellect. She ultimately told me that she had been with 7 people, all of whom she was dating.

Originally I felt relieved, thinking to myself "7 at the age of 28-29 isn't too many. Especially since she has been living in a college town for 6-8 years and none are one night stands or casual sex". Very quickly though I noticed my mind started latching onto specific details and it was warping my view of the two of us being together.

She stated how "inexperienced she is" and that she was nervous of what my expectations would be. That 3 of the 7 people she had only had sex with 2-3 times during the entire relationship. I asked why she did at all since had stated she never wanted to have sex and would try to avoid it, to which she replied with by saying that "sex is expected in relationships. I would make excuses and put it off for quite some time but eventually I felt like I had to give in as I liked them and felt obligated"... Fair enough but I find that unfortunate to be the reasoning why.

The thing I find bothering me the most is not necessarily the number (I don't care about the 4 long term relationships at all and could even hang out with them), it's the fact that one of the guys she dated Mod cut.. Before everyone jumps on me asking why I would ask such personal questions that are not my business... I would like to say I didn't ask. She informed me of this when we were strictly friends and she was telling me because of how upset she was at the time. She said that they had sex twice, the first time with protection and the 2nd time without protection. The 2nd time he randomly finished (without asking or discussing if she was comfortable with it). She said she felt very disrespected as he knew he concern regarding that type of stuff and that it resulted in a big argument, the last time they had sex, and he went to purchase Plan B.

I'm not plagued by this thought.... the thought that another man out there has done this to her. I'm aware she is not my property and that she's a human being entitled to her own experiences but I view this act as something very special and it crushes me to think it happened between her and someone else. She never "allowed" for anyone to do that, not even after dating 2-3 years. I try to keep it to myself as I know she talks about how bad of an experience it is but I find myself sometimes thinking of how nice it would be to be with someone who has never had that occur.

I feel extreme guilt with my thoughts, it eats me up. I also try to be rational by telling myself "You're 30 years old. Anyone else you date will likely have had this act occur and they also likely will have done much more sexually, or had a higher partner count". Rational and logic thoughts don't seem to be helping me in the slightest.

Thoughts or advice?

Perhaps some hard truth of what I would expect if I was dating another 29-30 year old?

Last edited by PJSaturn; 08-02-2021 at 11:48 PM.. Reason: TMI; not PG-13.

 
Old 08-02-2021, 10:21 AM
 
9,229 posts, read 8,490,742 times
Reputation: 14764
Quote:
Originally Posted by counterproductive88 View Post
... Thoughts or advice?
Get over yourself, and discipline your mind to concentrate on your blessings.
 
Old 08-02-2021, 10:27 AM
 
2 posts, read 1,678 times
Reputation: 10
Quote:
Originally Posted by LookinForMayberry View Post
Get over yourself, and discipline your mind to concentrate on your blessings.
I wish it was as easy as "get over yourself". As mentioned, this is something that has tormented me mentally for the last 10 years or so. I have tried to be proactive by reflecting, reading books, purchasing online courses, and attending counseling and therapy. I have come across the term "Retroactive jealousy" which was described as a type of OCD "Retroactive jealousy, is characterized by obsessive and intrusive thoughts. Repeated and obsessive behaviors and replaying mental movies of imagined events are also common. Both these mental health disorders lead to repetitive and persistent behavior."

I have considered medicine (recommended by my therapist) but I would much rather prefer to find a way to overcome this naturally.

I admit that it is silly and sounds ridiculous but once again, logic and rational do not seem to help me in this case. For the person experiencing it, it feels very real and relentless. I don't think it's any different than other forms of mental illness. I do agree completely with you in regards to focusing on counting my blessing.
 
Old 08-02-2021, 10:36 AM
 
Location: Pittsburgh
29,625 posts, read 34,077,569 times
Reputation: 76590
Work on this with your therapist. Strangers on the internet can't help you.
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