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I am so fed up with my mother in law, she is depressed and living with us. Below I will describe my situation, any advice or tips on how to deal are greatly appreciated. Please keep in mind, I’m human, I get PO'd I’m not some saint who just wants to help people. I WANT MY LIFE BACK!!
My MIL is in her late 50's, has one grown son and has always been single (she had a BF once for a few years when DH was in HS, but since then nothing. MIL and FIL were never married and broke up b4 DH was even born) about 6 years ago she moved to FL from NJ. She moved because Jersey was too expensive for her and not having any kids in the school system wasn't worth all the taxes. She got a job transfer and moved to the same area her sister lives in down in FL. Well, not too long after moving down there she gets fired. She is a very a very brash and arrogant person and her job was helping people who were being laid off. I guess her attitude was too much for people to handle, especially down south, so she was let go. She finds another job which was all commission based. She was terrible at it and wasn't making any money so she quit. She looks for more work can't find anything so she moves a little further away from her sister and gets another job. Again, she hates this and it is a small base +commissions and is not making any money. (I really think this had a lot to do with her personality, she's not exactly likable) So she quits and moves AGAIN, a little further from her sister. Now she gets a job that is all base salary but she has to make a quota. Again, she hates her job.
Now before I tell you about the decline, I will tell you about us. DH has one child from a previous relationship who we support and we have one young child together whom we obviously support as well. When i met DH, MIL was already down in FL. He always spoke very highly of her; how much of a strong woman she was, how neat she always kept the house etc. She never came up to visit and they didn't really speak much on the phone. Whenever they did speak DH was always sour grapes afterwards. When I was six or seven months pregnant she calls him and tells him how she's sooo stressed out and needs to get away, can he please send her on a cruise? IS SHE INSANE?!?! We're about to have a child and while we weren't struggling to make ends meet or anything we certainly didn't have money for HER to go on vacation at our expense!! Right before the baby was born she keeps asking about baptisms, I made DH tell her something he'd been putting off for a LONG time-I am an atheist and he is non practicing, more like agnostic. Well she flipped out and basically said I’m the scum of the earth. All this before we ever even met. When we finally did meet it wasn't pretty she was very judgmental and rude and walked around my house all day finding something that hadn't been cleaned would sigh loudly and clean it up. I'm not talking major dirt here people more like a little lint in the corner or something, I just gave birth of course my house is not spotless!!
Anyway, fast forward she's in her 4th job down in FL and she starts calling DH all the time. "I'm buying a car, can you help me? I need you to talk to the salesperson", "I'm buying a house, can you help me? I need you to tell me what to do". It was all pretty out of character since she hardly ever called. Then in early October 08 we get a phone call. It was some friend of hers from church, "Can you talk to your mother? She's been staying with us for the last two weeks, she's in a funk. We thought we could help but this is not helping and she needs to go" WHAT?!?!? Well come to find out she had been on leave of absence from work since September. DH talks to her and gets her to go back home he checks on her a lot but we are in NJ so it's not face to face. She keeps saying she's not feeling well and just can't do it. We get one of her sisters to take her in for a while. Well that lasts 2 weeks and the sister’s husband had enough and wanted her to leave. So she goes to stay with her other sister in another part of FL. Again 2 weeks and the sister is like I can't do this anymore she needs to leave (she was actually crying from the frustration of dealing with her). DH flies down to FL to stay with her for a few days and get her sorted out. She doesn't want to do ANYTHING, everything is a total hassle with her. Finally he comes to the conclusion that she's too depressed to stay there alone so he brings her back up to NJ with him (oh joy ). Well she comes and proceeds to turn our lives into a total hell. This woman is so difficult to be around, she's not nice, she is always complaining about something, does not lift a finger around the house and does not cook for herself at all I am somehow responsible for all her meals and buying easy to prepare food for her to eat during the day. My toddler strongly dislikes her and always cries to get away from her. I dislike being around her so much i actually took a second job just to get out of the house. DH is stressed out to the max. We always had a TERRIFIC relationship and had minor bickering but never fights. Well our relationship is deteriorating before my eyes because of the stress this woman is causing us. She stayed for 5 months, finally I told DH she had to go home or I was going to leave but I couldn't take it anymore. She went back home and was supposed to go back to work (this whole time her company was holding her job).
Well she went back to FL and went to work for ONE day. Found out she had lost her seniority and was being demoted to an entry level position. Decides she doesn’t want to start all over again and just stops going back. Well now she gets fired and is not even eligible for unemployment since she abandoned her job. It takes us about a month to find out what is going on since she would refuse to answer the phone for anyone. Finally DH says to me sorry but my mom has to come back she can’t afford her place anymore and her sisters do not want her to live with them. What can I do it’s not like I have a choice here so she comes back, this time with no place in FL to go back to.
It’s been another five months and while this time she is at least going to therapy she refuses to do anything for herself. DH has to drive her to every single appointment. She walks around the house all day snooping through all our stuff (literally, snoops) and eating anything that does not require preparation. It’s to the point where I can’t even buy snacks for us because two days and they are all gone and, DH, DS and I don’t even get to eat one. She won’t cook but the second I step into the kitchen she is there hovering over me to see what I am making and to make sure she gets some (never asks can I have some? Can I help you make it? Just hovers and NEVER says thank you after she eats, but sure as heck complains about my cooking!!!) If we have people over she is there just sitting there staring at all of us many of my guests have said that she makes them uncomfortable (not that we have a lot of people over anymore; because of this situation). If DH and I get into an argument she stands there hovering over us watching. I do not want to be around her and she is always sitting on my couch when I get home so now I get home and go straight to my room with my son and hang out in there, I feel like I’m renting a damn room in my own house!!! DH says just tell her you want to watch TV and change the channel but 1) As much I dislike her (ok fine, I HATE HER) I can’t bring myself to do it since it’s rude and my mother didn’t raise me to be like that 2) I can change the channel but she’s going to continue sitting there (and getting up pacing and sitting back down every 2 minutes). On the weekends I never want to do anything anymore because DH makes us drag her along (literally she has to be dragged since she does not want to leave the house) and then she just makes faces the whole day and generally just sours the mood. If we do go out with out her she is always like “Can you bring me some food when you get back?” So now we have to leave wherever we are early just so she can be fed. C’mon woman there is food in the house and a pizzeria on the corner and your car is in the driveway, feed yourself!!! The annoying part is I don’t have a huge income and the bills I pay in the house are the groceries, electric, cable, gas, cell phone and daycare. My grocery bill is sky high with her there since she’s in the house eating all day and god forbid she eats something cheap that needs to be cooked. The electric bill is double what it used to be since now there is someone there 24 hours a day and she has lights on the TV on and since she couldn’t be bothered to pack her stuff when she moved here and only brought 3 outfits with her (this is a woman who has a platinum macy’s card) she washes and dries them every two days in a ¾ empty machine. She couldn’t pay her cell phone anymore so we added her to our family plan that I pay for. And our gas guzzler needs to drive her to and from her appointments increasing my gas bill and even though someone is home all day I still have to pay for daycare since there is no way she can take care of my son. THEN I still have to spend my Saturday mornings cleaning the house even though I have a grown woman with nothing to do all day living with us.
Lately DH has been telling her she has to help out more, so she washes the dishes. Goes through huge bottles of dish soap every two weeks but yet the dishes ALWAYS have food and grease all over them and does the laundry (can’t complain there at least it is done) DH has had her start trying to cook, it’s not good but at least she’s trying. THEN last night she made my son some chicken, cooked it before dinner and put it back in the fridge to heat up for him at dinner time BUT SHE STORED IT BACK IN THE SAME CONTAINER WHERE SHE HAD KEPT THE RAW CHICKEN, NO SHE DID NOT CLEAN IT IN BETWEEN. And another time she washed dishes after I cooked, I had used the foreman grill that night and when she cleaned it she scratched it up. Instead of just saying oops sorry, she took a sharpie marker and colored over the scratches!!! She didn’t say anything the next day when I cooked on it again and fed it to the family. WTH?!!? She is constantly making DH miss work to drive her around to do her errands.
Well, yesterday I took her car to work because I had a flat tire, when I got home she was in front of the house and DH and were in a big rush to make an appointment I pulled up to the house quickly and the tire went up on the curb, no big deal. Unfortunately we had no choice but to leave DS with her while we went to the appointment (hence the opportunity for the whole chicken fiasco). This morning she had an appointment to go to and was giving DH a hard time about having to drive herself there (but he just missed work yesterday to take her somewhere else) so I said you know what I will ask her. I went to her car and asked her to do me a favor, she said what? I said can you please drive yourself to this appointment DH has already missed a lot of work to take you places and it is putting his job in jeopardy. She says “I never asked him to miss work” and “You messed up my car yesterday and I know you did it on purpose!!!” WHAT?!?!?! I flipped out, I said “the only thing I would do on purpose is kick you out of my house” and slammed the door. As soon as I got in my car I told DH what happened (including what I said to her) and he was like “are you kidding me? She didn’t say that” so he called her and asked her, she said yes I said it. Dh told her she would have to apologize to me when I got home. She’s like “NO, I know she did it on purpose, I’m not going to apologize, she did it on purpose” over and over. ARGH, I can’t take it with this woman anymore, she does not want to do anything except sit around moping having her live with us is not making her get better and it’s making our relationship and family life worse and worse by the day. She refuses to get a job no matter how low key and just expects a free ride till god knows when. Like I said she’s only in her 50’s it’s not like she’s going to die of old age any day now.
I know I ranted forever so if you made it this far, thank you. If I sound cold and bitter, I am. I’m not going to lie.
Anyone who is depressed or is dealing with someone who is depressed any suggestions on how to help her get better? Anything I can do to help her get motivated?
Has she been diagnosed by a qualified physician as indeed suffering from depression? If so, is she following the physician's treatment plan?
She also sounds a bit manipulative to me - just based on your post.
At some point, your relationship with your husband might benefit from you two offering to pay her rent at an 'over 55' apartment complex, near you, so you can check on her often, but not have her sharing your space 24/7. Even with a financial strain - this is something I'd be looking into - for my OWN mental health - you know?
Depression is very real - and very hard on family and friends helping care for a loved one suffering from it..........
You, your husband and your mother-in-law, might well benefit from some group counseling, to help you all set some boundaries with one another.
The best to you - this is a tough spot to be......having a young mother-in-law living with you - regardless of any depression that might be adding to the challenge.
(My former MIL suffered from depression and paranoia, she lived with us for a period of time - after her son and I divorced for other reasons, she ended up taking her own life.....)
Remember I am just an anonymous stranger. Sometime strangers can be a bit more objective than we are ourselves. But also keep in mind we are only getting one side of the story. You put it out on a public board here asking for opinions, so I will give you mine.
Boundaries and double standards seem to be predominant problems in what you have written, and I don't think your MIL being "depressed" or not has anything to do with any of it.
I see definite double standards in what you have written.
1) "She starts criticizing my housekeeping-Of course my house is not spotless"
but..... "She washes dishes and they aren't as clean as they should be OMG".
2) Then you make a big issue out of a scratch on the Foreman, but then seem to believe MIL isn't even justified about making an issue out of you running her car up onto the curb? (Truthfully I would make a bigger issue out of a car than a scratch on a Foreman grill, but that's just me....)
Boundaries look like this -----> HER STUFF //////////////// YOUR STUFF
See the big walls in between the stuffs? Short version: You each can only control what is on your side of the wall, and even when you do not agree, at least respect what is on the other side of the wall. You are entitled to YOUR stuff, she is entitled to HER stuff. It works both ways. Follow? To use an example from your tv watching thing. "DH says just tell her you want to watch TV and change the channel but 1) As much I dislike her (ok fine, I HATE HER) I can’t bring myself to do it since it’s rude and my mother didn’t raise me to be like that 2) I can change the channel but she’s going to continue sitting there (and getting up pacing and sitting back down every 2 minutes)."
---->Yes it would be rude to see that she is deeply engrossed in a program and walking over and changing the channel. But simply telling her what you want is NOT rude. Did your mother raise you to be a doormat??? It's all in how you approach situations. Like this "I see MIL you are watching the news. It ends at 6pm. There is a show on that I am going to watch at 6pm, so after the news I will change the channel. You can stay and watch the show with me if you want." END DISCUSSION. PERIOD. There is NOTHING rude whatsoever in that approach. She got her show, you got your show. She is free to stay or go-and has until the news is over to figure it out. If she wants to pace and sit back down 20,000,000 times-so be it. Let her pace until she tires herself out. How she reacts is HER STUFF.
YOUR STUFF ///////// HER STUFF. Another simple option: find $10 and buy her an old tv for her room off Craigslist-where she can watch whatever she wants, whenever she wants.
MIL not liking her various jobs for whatever reasons is "HER" stuff. She is entitled to those reasons, whatever they may be, and whether you agree with them or not. In that vein, "YOUR" stuff is you don't have to agree with her reasons, but to at least respect that she had reasons that were meaningful and valid to her.
Interestingly, why do you think it qualifies her as "insane" to ask her OWN son (yes, DH was her son long before he was your DH) for help with a trip or talking to a salesman or buying a house? I ask my dear son to carry in my groceries, and I certainly do not qualify as insane. DH has the option whether to help-or not. Her simply asking her child for help has nothing to do with her sanity.
Why did you "make" DH tell her about the religious thing? Some people take religion very seriously-and your MIL may be one of those. Which I would suspect your DH already knew, which is why he didn't tell her in the first place. There could have been other delicate ways around her asking about baptism without making a full frontal confrontation out of it. And even if she was told and didn't agree, there is a real simple ending: "Sorry MIL. I respect your opinion, but I do not agree." END DISCUSSION. She can stomp, whine, moan-whatever. I am NOT saying to belittle her opinion (your post seems filled with belittling comments). Her opinion isn't "wrong" and doesn't need to be changed. It is HERS. Just like you don't have to share her opinion. YOUR STUFF /////// HER STUFF.
So what if she uses a lot of dish soap? So what if her idea of "clean" is different than yours? Remember she isn't you. If you don't like the way she does dishes, don't ask her to do dishes. If you want her to do dishes, realize that will mean using more dish soap and they may not be as clean as you would do them. So you have a choice. Simple solutions. No need to make a federal case out of it. HER STUFF ////// YOUR STUFF.
As far as snacks, again, set boundaries. Buy her a box and DH a box. Make clear to her which is her box and that there will not be another box until you go shopping. PERIOD. If she eats it all in one day, she has no snacks. Let her whine, moan or whatever until next time you go shopping. And if you dont want to pay for expensive" no cook" food for her to munch on---->DON'T. END DISCUSSION.
I strongly suspect she did not intentionally scratch up your George Foreman, and that by "repairing it" she may have thought she was being helpful. No her repair may not have been up to your standards, but I don't think she did it intentionally to peeve you off.
DH needs to set some boundaries with her as well on the errands thing. "Mom, I know you need to do errands, and I want to help you out with them. I will set aside X hours on X day to do this all with you. So keep a list of everything we need to do. I cannot take off work on a regular basis to do them." End discussion.
One thing I seriously would not do that came across in your post-if you and DH are having issues, they have nothing to do with her. HUSBAND&WIFE STUFF ///////// MIL STUFF.
A little boundaries and respect can go a long way.
Also, you need to hold MIL responsible for SOME housekeeping or financial support if she will continue living there. Period. She is an adult. She is obviously capable. Why can't she watch your child as a contribution? Why not get a job? Even just a part time job to offset her added grocery cost. Assign her household chores. Don't enable her just sitting around doing "whatever".
You are mistaken in thinking you can change her. No one can make anyone else do something or change their ways. Either you put up w/it or you set consequences - like one of you is moving out. But you must mean it if you tell your husband either she goes or you go. If you don't mean it, nothing will ever change.
I am sorry she is depressed but it isnot your fault. It sounds like she has more than one personality disorder qnd you are not the only one who can't get along w/her.
I suggest some counseling for you to set your own goals and explore what you can do for yourself. It might mean divorce if he is not willing to stand up for your family.
she should see someone who specializes in mental health. if medication is recommended and you or her don't want to go the anti-depressant route, do some research on 5-htp and activated vitamin b6.
Wow, if nothing else at least your DH has been supportive of your concerns.
She's going to a lot of appointments - what exactly are these appointments for? If she is seeing a counselor, is there a chance that the three of you can go to a few sessions together to discuss your concerns? If not, I think the three of you need to sit down and go over some House Rules: who cleans what, and how often; who cooks, and how often; respecting privacy; etc. etc.
Is there public transportation she can use?
Would it be fair to give her a "deadline" to find a job? I hate to say it, but it's your home, and I see it almost like a adult child returning. If you don't want her to stay forever, you need to have rules and expectations.
Sorry about your situation, and you do have the patience of a saint. I could not deal with that whatsoever - either she'd be gone, or I (and my child!) would.
It sounds to me like you and your DH are enabling your MIL. You need to sit DH down and have a serious talk. He needs to make MIL do things for herself period. Give her a timeline of a few months; if things don't turn around kick her out.
Yes she is depressed, but she isn't being helped by the two of you helping her at every turn.
The first thing you need to do is set some boundaries and rules. As far as the food I would not buy anymore easy to prepare meals for her. She can eat leftovers or apples other fruit etc. If she does not like that than she needs to buy her own food! She need to have chores period. You are not her parents.
Depression if she has been diagnosed by a Dr for it get her on some meds. BUT...................
She is totally manipulating you both. She is being LAZY and probably feels she is just in having you take care of her! She needs to be told and shown the world does not revolve around her. It revolves around you and your kids first in your home. If she is running her mouth tell her to stop or go to her room until she can behave herself.
She needs to be given a deadline for a job. Wth is up with her being driven to appointments? What did she do in life before she came to live there? Make her drive herself unless a Dr says it is not safe!
Find her a man!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
I am afraid she has you right where she wants you that is a shame too. Change it, set boundaries, don't back down. Let her know you mean business and that is that she can like it help out or leave get on welfare and get her own apt! Speaking of which why isn't she on food stamps??????
First of all, she needs to get laid. OK, that was a little harsh, but she needs to find that certain someone who truly thinks she is special and treats her like the queen she thinks she is.
Second, I agree with Cowboy's assessment above. There are two sides to each story and as a DIL, I can honestly say that I look for reasons to detest my MIL. I think it is just human nature.
The bottom line is that she is creating conflict in your home and in your relationship with your husband and child. That is unacceptable. Set some goals for her and give her a timeline. Instruct her on the proper way to handle the foods she is giving to your child. Make her responsible for providing her own foods and her own toiletries. And make her drive herself to her numerous appointments. I'm not seeing depression here as much as I see attention seeking behaviors. If she is truly depressed, sitting around the house and doing a whole lot of nothing will only make matters worse. I'm sure she feels equally as uncomfortable as you feel.
There is a balance somewhere, of trying to see her side while also fighting for your own family.
Where does she sleep? Does she have her own bedroom? Get a storage cabinet, a mini-frig and a TV...
You and your husband need to sit down and write up a list of house rules and regulations. Together, united. Explain to him that for the sake of your marriage, he must stay strong if he truly agrees with you - and if he actually doesn't he needs to mention that NOW. Then you sit down with her, still united.
These are the rules:
MIL has three options. Agree and abide, agree and not follow through which will result in her ejection from the domicile, or move out within a set amount of days - no strings.
If she stays (yikes), she needs to utilize public transportation and contribute to the household. And seek appropriate therapy.
Good luck and best wishes!
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