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I just needed an avenue to vent this Christmas. For most of my 50+ years I have been the keeper of Christmas in our family; from being at the center of it as the youngest of 5 or actively making it happen with decorating,gift giving, cooking, crafting, and charitable works for most of my adult life. I have always been keenly aware of the extremes of the season: the commercialism that darkens the spirituality and the day-to-day realities that diffuse the holiday high.
My husband of 26 years lost his brother unexpectedly 22 years ago. It would have been S's 26th birthday that Christmas Eve. I struggled for years to keep the holiday bright and warm for hubby, but I have always suspected that my DH suffered from some form of depression or anxiety anyway.
Now I have lost several family members in the past 5 years; my sister who was my best friend and my father in 2005, my brother and my SIL in 2006. But last Christmas and especially this year have been my hell on earth it seems. I have held on to a seasonal summer position through this recession but my husband lost his comfortable work of 3+ years last Dec. Since then we have been on and off unemployment benefits, our finances have been severely strained and on top of everything my DH depression has gotten worse. We have not had health insurance for any length of time to address it. Now we find out through state services that my DH suffers from ADHD in addition to PTSD and depression.
As the holiday looms closer I am surrounded by his feelings gloom and anger. By trying to support him in his dark time I feel myself further isolated from everyone. What social interactions we have had turn into dark rants and sullen meditations at home later.
I keep telling myself that this too shall pass and in the meantime I resist the temptation to fall into despair as well.
For all of you out there running around frantically with holiday chores and activities, stop, take some time with your loved onesand soak up the good of the moment while it lasts.
I know something about how you feel. I actually had a good cry this season when I put on some Christmas music.
It's been a very long few years for me, as well.
This morning, I heard about a Christmas Eve Holiday Dinner in my community that was still looking for volunteers.
There's probably still time for you to find somewhere in your community where both you and your husband can help out... Call the radio station, look in the paper or stop by your local Salvation Army and ask what all is going on where you might go and either help out or in some way participate.
It always feels good to be around others and to be able to help someone else at this time of year.
Don't let depression isolate you.
Last edited by World Citizen; 12-24-2009 at 12:05 PM..
All good advice from other posters. Getting out to volunteer is especially beneficial. Go even if your DH won't - and he may not be able to make the effort. You need to take care of yourself, too!
Yes, thanks for the suggestions. I suggested volunteering to him, too. He can't seem to handle any social interaction now. The less fortunate make him feel empathetic and guilty, so he gets depressed. those who are comfortable and better off make him envious and depressed. He feels that activities that take me away from him are an abandonment and , frankly, I'm afraid to leave him alone. Even the dog doesn't want to be around him when he's that dark. It seems to come and go. He is terrified that he has some horrible health problem because of some unrelated chronic physical symptoms. Any further diagnosis or treatment is pending funds for physicians.
I'm making some family traditional cookies now (some of the few good memories for him) and trying to live in the moment. I know that after the holiday advertisements, tv shows, et al are over then he will loosen up a little. We still have to deal with the day to day reality of having little money and no insurance to deal with his problems medically. We are currently waiting out applications for assistance from the local hospital, hopefully that will pan out and he can move forward to treatment for all his ills.
Thanks again,folks. I know I am strong from my experiences with my own family losses. Even just the little support I get from online strangers seems to help.
Yes, thanks for the suggestions. I suggested volunteering to him, too. He can't seem to handle any social interaction now. The less fortunate make him feel empathetic and guilty, so he gets depressed. those who are comfortable and better off make him envious and depressed. He feels that activities that take me away from him are an abandonment and , frankly, I'm afraid to leave him alone. Even the dog doesn't want to be around him when he's that dark. It seems to come and go. He is terrified that he has some horrible health problem because of some unrelated chronic physical symptoms. Any further diagnosis or treatment is pending funds for physicians.
I'm making some family traditional cookies now (some of the few good memories for him) and trying to live in the moment. I know that after the holiday advertisements, tv shows, et al are over then he will loosen up a little. We still have to deal with the day to day reality of having little money and no insurance to deal with his problems medically. We are currently waiting out applications for assistance from the local hospital, hopefully that will pan out and he can move forward to treatment for all his ills.
mmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm... Cookies sound Good!!!
Cooking usually works for me... it's good for the soul.
I know that when you're feeling depressed it's sometimes hard to even get yourself to do something this simple but the smells and everything about cooking is healing.
From what you've described, your husband is dealing with anxiety and depression. Even the fear that it's something worse is part of the whole depression, anxiety syndrome. Becoming isolated is definitely part of it... Been there - done that.
Losing a job in this economy on top of all of those personal losses that you've described could cause anyone to fall victim to depression.
It really helped me just understanding WHAT was going on - having a name for it - instead of believing the lies of anxiety/depression such as there's something else wrong with you, you're no good, no one cares, you're a failure... etc.
You mentioned PTSD. Is your husband a veteran? Doesn't the veteran's hospital offer treatment for him?
I wonder if the new Health Care Bill will help you with your lack of insurance problem. It's my understanding that some of the benefits for uninsured people will be immediate.
Be encouraged. You are not alone.
There really is hope!
Last edited by World Citizen; 12-24-2009 at 01:42 PM..
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