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I'm not sure if this is the right area/forum for this, but I desparately need help.
My mother is suffering from what we believe is early onset or Alzheimer's and/or dementia. My grandmother, her mother, is in the end stages in a nursing home now.
The probem is, mom hates doctors. She is 70 years old and has not been to a doctor or sought any kind of medical care in over 30 years. There have been many family discussions and arguements because of this. But, how do you force a "grown up" to have a yearly check up if they don't want to. Mom fell about four years ago and badly hurt her knee. She refused to go to the ER and would not see a doctor. She limps badly and has some trouble getting around, but still refuses to let anyone look at it.
It is becoming increasingly difficult for my dad to deal with her on a daily basis. She's forgetting a lot of things and she gets agitated over everything. He pretty much tries to walk on eggshells and avoid the situation.
Obviously, she needs to be examined at get medical care. My father and my brother are basically afraid to approach her on the subject for fear that she is going to freak out and I live several hours away. My aunt, her sister, tried to have a conversation with her about this over the phone (aunt is in another state) about 6 months ago and mom hung up on her and will not speak to her. She would not tell us why she was not speaking to her. I had to call my aunt to find out.
My brother believes that it should be the sole responsibilty of my dad to get her to a doctor. I don't necessarily agree with this.
I am fully aware that we need some outside help here but I'm not sure exactly what resources are available to us. When I look at websites, they really kind of only give information for individuals and families of individuals that have already been diagnosed. There is not much information on how get somebody who is unwilling and that could become violent to a doctor for diagnosis. I certainly don't want it to come to mom being put into a straight jacket and being hauled off like she's some lunatic.
Any information you can offer would be most appreciated.
Last edited by Calico696; 03-09-2010 at 07:14 AM..
I'm sorry; I don't have any answers for you. We are starting to go through this in my family and there have been so many tests and doctor visits and such and there really hasn't been any solution or anything that would make it easier. Are their senior citizen health advocates in your area? A support group maybe; even one online that might offer some ideas? I wish there was a miracle drug but so far we haven't found or been told about one.
I am really sorry to hear you are going through this. You sound like my twin. My Mom (now soon to be 87) has hated going to doctors her entire life. I had been noticing bills not getting paid (she was the one in charge), basic food stuffs that were always in their fridge not being bought, some housekeeping chores not being done. Just things that did not add up. My Mom, the angel of patience normally, would SNAP at me or my Dad if we mentioned anything. And that was the GIANT tip off. Like your family history, her father had "doted" in his 80's, her older sister (by 13 months) "doted", etc. It's the nice Irish/Scottish way of saying dementia.
I hate to tell you, but as the daughter, you will be the one that needs to step in. I don't know why it works that way, but they put up with things more from us than men. I had never talked back to my Mom, but saw my opportunity when I noticed her holding the newspaper up to her face to read. She protested and argued with me, but I got her to the eye doctor, who, in my presence, told her "I have told you this for the past several years, "glasses will not help - you have cataracts". Boom. She had never told us and insisted it was the first time she was aware of it.
That led to the specialists who took her vitals and BOOM another shocker: Her BP was 200/90. Then it was off to a normal GP (her first since I had been born 39 years past!). By this time she loathed me and had to be dragged to each doctor. It was at this point she was put on medication to control the BP and he quietly told me that she was also suffering from early onset Alzheimers.
My long-winded point (!) Calico, is that you as her daughter will need to take the lead on this. I want you to know that you will be initially frightened by what you hear or see while at the doctors. So will she. There is medication now for Alzheimers - but - and this is just my opinion - I don't think it will stop what is coming. You will notice changes. You will be taking over more responsibility.
My Dad, who was always impatient, is more gentle with my Mom now. When she comes to stay with me for a week (I live over an hour away), he is like a courting boyfriend when I bring her home - he is like a love besotted teen getting his girlfriend back! I go out to their home every other week. Dad pulls all the bills from the mail and holds them in a drawer for me. I initially got access to their accounts so that I could monitor, but now I completely control their bank accounts. I cook lashings of food (such as soups and stews) and bring them out every other week. I gotta make sure my Dad is being fed. And Mom, bless her, says "well, Thank God, that will save me from having to cook" when she has not cooked a full dinner in two years now! You will also be in charge of any medication she is given. I keep the pills at my place and fill those little plastic pill holders for 2 weeks for her. You have to monitor that she takes them. You have to learn how to gently challenge her and let her know you are watching.
Just take charge Calico. And you will need to put your foot down and stand firm with her. You will remind her that it was HER that looked after you when YOU needed help, now it is something that you must do.
You cannot force her - but you can persuade her with a lot of love. Best of luck to you on this most difficult issue. You all will get through through this.
Read cokatie's post a few times. EXCELLENT advice there.
On evaluations - evaluations can be done in the home. However, an evaluation won't make the problem go away. Everyone focuses on Alzheimer's, but there are other causes for dementia. It would be prudent to rule those out.
On that long slope of dementia in a loved one - one of the best things you can do is to read about it and get involved in a support group early. It can be one of the biggest challenges of a lifetime for all involved, and it won't get swept under a rug.
I should have added but forgot till cokatie mentioned it; we tried that alzheimer's drug and there was an allergic reaction which prevented usage. Do you have any experience with that cokatie?
One of the hardest aspects for the family is that the person w/dementia doesn't know there is anything wrong w/them. My mother used to accuse my sister (who lived w/her) of hiding things or putting them in the wrong place when Mom couldn't remember where she had put something. We were "fortunate" if that is the right word, that Mom's physical health deteriorated and she had to go to a nursing home. She accepted that she was "sick" and needed more nursing than my sister could give her.
Look for a local Alz Assocation group. It is also possible your mother has had a few strokes and it's not Alz but damage from the stroke. Either way, she's not going to get better, the med only maintains her were she is a little longer. So sorry you are going through this.
Another avenue you might be interested in would be getting your mother into a clinical trial. Try Home - ClinicalTrials.gov - it's a list of all the clinical trials for all kinds of medical problems. You can do a search for Alzheimer's disease.
No, Myrc60, the doctor did not think it would help. What SouthernBelleInUtah says is quite right though. I found that the medication her GP was giving my Mom for high blood pressure was taking more of a toll on her memory. He tried to tell me to accept reality - that she was in her 80's and that it's expected to happen. I fought back. I told him that since taking the medication, she was getting worse. It was not a slow process - it was within 2 months. That was NOT age - that was the medication.
I took my Mom to a Neurologist. Trust me, she was pissed with me! This was a great doctor who ran every sort of brain test on her. I stayed with her for the majority of them and was joking that she looked like the Bride of Frankenstein! That is the way I get her to do what is good for her - through humor. In addition to all the brain scans and tests he ran, the one real eye-opener for me was when he told her: "I am going to tell you 5 words now that I want you to repeat back to me in a few minutes". That was 4 years ago and I still remember them: Broadway, Elephant, Mary, Apple, Moon. After 10 minutes of giving her a reflex and coordination exam, he then asked her what 5 words he had told her to remember. The look of shock on her face is still painful to me. She had no recollection of them at all. Sigh.
The one thing he DID find out was that she had suffered 3 mini strokes in the past. None of us knew that. They cannot age them and tell you when it happened - but you can guess some of them. For example, when my brother was killed while in the Navy in the Philippines. If she has suffered from high blood pressure all these years, it makes sense.
Calico, I stay in the room with her for every doctor visit. You see, your Mom will not be comfortable with your Dad or your brother in there. They are OK with their daughters helping them to undress, and it makes her feel great that she can have a blood test so easily, while I am ready to pass out. She gets one up on me - and she likes it. It makes her the Mom and in charge again. I also have told my Dad to go along with her when she complains about me and the doctor visits. So that he is seen to be on her side. He just gives it "Well, you're not going to win with her - I'm just glad she hasn't focused on me yet!". It makes Mom think that she has someone on her side. I don't mind being the bad guy - and Dad appreciates the fact that she confides in him and tells him "Don't tell her ....". Little does she know that he is my spy!
Look, I think that people have thrown around the name Alzheimers very easily in the past 10 years. I do not deny that it exists, is severe, is awful on loved ones - but - I think that Harry Chickpea is SO right in his post above. There are various forms of Dementia (it does run in families) but people rush to put the label of Alzheimers on people. Dementia, although difficult for family members, is no where in the league of true Alzheimers where people forget their own children and husband. That must be the biggest heartbreak in a child or spouse's life.
As the population of our country continues to age, and medication improves to keep people around a lot longer, many, many people are going to experience this. You do need patience and a backbone to deal with it. You may need to go through many doctors. I am guaranteeing you that your Mom is going to get angry with you. And you cannot react as they did with us: "Because I said so". You need to cajole in whatever way you can. They will die of shame if they think you pity them - at least with my Mom - or view them as helpless. Give them as much control as you can safely, and slowly wean them off the day-to-day responsibilities (bill paying, medical appointments, medication amounts, house cleaning, etc.).
I'm afraid there are no good answers for this subject since it will vary greatly by the individual, their past family history, their tolerance to medication, their own temperment, etc. You need to handle it in the way that best suits your family and your loved one. My heart truly goes out to you - and once you take on the various responsibilities, I promise you that it DOES get easier. Your relationship with your Mom will tilt more and more towards you being the caregiver/person in control rather than her. I'm sorry if I have bummed you out with some of the truths. Personally, I feel that every single day I have my "Mommy" on the face of this earth, it is a day where I have been truly blessed by God.
Thank you all for this useful information and support. It really is a great help.
I just want to clarify one thing. My biggest obstacle right now is getting my mother to go to a doctor. She will never go on her on accord, believe me. Aside from hitting her over the head with a frying pan and taking her there unconcious, we can't think of any other way to get her there. Dad is even "afraid" to even mention a doctor to her, as she went into a fit of rage when he mentioned about getting her knee looked at a few months ago.
She even gets angry when my dad goes to the doctor. Calls him a ridiculous idiot. My dad had bypass surgery 14 years ago and sees his cardiologist regularly. He also sees whatever other doctors for whatever reasons when something is bothering him. She picks on him then too.
My brother refuses to get involved in trying to convince her. Says he knows that whoever tries to take her to a doctor will be the ones who she will never speak to again. Doesn't want his family (meaning my SIL and niece) involved.
I guess this will have to fall on me then. If she bites me, spits at me and kicks me, disowns me and never speaks to me again, I guess I will just have to live with it. Better than not doing anything at all.
She WILL speak to you again, Calico. I promise. Being mad at you - she'll be that too! LOL! Remember one thing, when she is alone with her own thoughts, she is scared too. She knows she is forgettting things. She is becoming frustrated with herself. She just does not want to give in to it. Man, she SO sounds like my Mom!! Remind her that she has paid into the system for years. Other people take advantage of the medical system - ask her why shouldn't she get something out of it? And make a day of it. Go for lunch before or after - or the two of you make plans to get your hair or nails done. Don't let the day be all about the doctor. Slip something pleasant in. I don't know why they think St. Peter is going to be waiting for them at the gates with a medal for having not gone to the doctor in years. I swear - it is just that generation!
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