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Old 07-13-2010, 10:10 PM
 
1 posts, read 4,749 times
Reputation: 19

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(NON) IDIOTS GUIDE TO DRIVING IN MIAMI:

Rule #1: Expect the unexpected. When in Miami, throw your 'Driving 101' book out of the proverbial window and expect other drivers to do the unexpected, i.e. crazy-ass, unpredictable ****. For example, drivers have a tendency to slam on the brakes for no reason or realize at the last minute that their exit is next, so they'll drift across 4 lanes of traffic at 80mph, even if there's traffic.

Rule #2: Do not expect people to necessarily stop at red lights: even if the green light says "go". Expect some idiot to take the red light, so exercise caution at all times when at an intersection, especially if you are making a left turn.

Rule #3: Tailgating is a common problem in Miami. Drivers love to get right up your ass to try to intimidate you, even if you're not in their way and they have 8 other lanes to choose from. My advice is to gradually slow down, forcing them to overtake, rather than slamming the brakes on, or speeding up to accommodate their stupid needs.

Rule #4: Always keep a good amount distance from the car in front, especially in Miami as (see Rule #1), people have a tendency to slam on the brakes for no reason, particularly if they are yapping on their cellphone or texting (a common problem in Miami).

Rule #5: Watch out for anyone in Miami driving either a Honda Civic, Chevrolet Impala, Infiniti, Ford F150, Dodge Ram, Dodge Charger, Honda Accord or Nissan Altima. For some reason, drivers of these cars are the worst culprits on the road.

Rule #6: When merging onto an expressway, do not expect other drivers to allow you to merge. Basically, just force yourself in and do not even attempt to stop, even if some Honda Civic driving idiot needs to take a nanosecond out of his/her time by slowing down by a few mph.

Rule #7: When driving on the expressway, try to keep to the second inside lane. This will at least help you avoid the reckless speeders in the outside lanes, while also avoiding the crazy people merging on/off the expressway like idiots.

Rule #8: In order to maintain your sanity, I recommend listening to some relaxing music in your car (e.g. jazz, classical or folk) to at least try to mentally escape from the fact that you are surrounded by complete and utter *******s on the road, in the searing heat of South Florida.

Rule #9: Even though driving in Miami will push you to the point of wanting to physically kick someone's ass, do not engage in any form of confrontation with anyone. Remember at all times that people in Miami are crazy, spontaneous and erratic and remember that many people in Miami carry guns, even in their cars. Some ******* cutting you off on the 836 is not worth dying over.

Rule #10: Try to avoid the expressways at nightm especially on Friday and Saturday as people are extra-crazy or even drunk going to/from "da club".

Rule #11: If you are at a light, expect to get honked at if you don't hit the gas the very nanosecond that the light turns green.

Rule #12: Don't expect the police to do **** if you are wronged by a reckless driver. Most of the police (particularly Miami-Dade cops) drive just as awfully as the civilians. Do expect the police to stop you if you so much as *not* make a complete stop at a pointless stop sign at a pointless intersection in Pinecrest or Miami Springs (meanwhile, cars are running red lights and doing 70mph on US-1).

Rule #13: If you (out of the goodness of your heart) stop to allow another driver to pull out or pull in front of you, do not ever expect any thanks for it.

Rule #14: Traffic in Miami may be no worse than other major cities, but it is the most unpredictable. The plethora of accidents caused by idiots who don't know how to drive have a tendency to make traffic fine one day, but gridlocked the next. Always bank on hitting a traffic jam, even if it's at midnight on Sunday. Rush hour in Miami also tends to last for most of the day.

Rule #15: Expect pedestrians to do the unexpected too, i.e. dart out in front of you. If (by any chance) you do hit a pedestrian, don't do the Miami thing and just drive off - dial '911' and stick around until the police and ambulance arrive.

Rule #16: Do not expect other drivers to actually stop at a stop sign. A four way stop in Miami often means "f**k you, me first" and if the traffic lights at an intersection are broken, it's every man for himself.

Rule #17: Lane discipline does not exist in Miami. On an expressway, expect to find one idiot doing 40mph in one lane, while another idiot is doing 110mph in the other lane. Be particularly wary of this when attempting to change lanes or merge.

Rule #18: Many drivers in Miami do not have insurance and some don't even have a license. Try to bear that in mind when one of the simple fools crash into you, even if you were completely not at fault.

Rule #19: You will encounter many idiots who will say that Miami's drivers are "no worse than anyone else" and will continually dismiss your gripes. Ignore these people at all costs; they are delusional.

Rule #20: If you live in Miami, you will encounter many sad fools who will readily admit to driving drunk. Do not laugh or joke with these people. If you have to cut ties with them immediately, do not hesitate to do so.

Rule #21: Don't get suckered into believing it's one group of people responsible for the bad driving (e.g. Hispanics). ALL drivers in Miami are awful, regardless of race.

Rule #22: Finally, don't expect any form of courtesy from drivers in Miami - your very sanity and survival depends on it. Miami driving is definitely 'laissez-faire'.
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Old 07-13-2010, 10:20 PM
 
2,919 posts, read 8,984,731 times
Reputation: 2606
Hahaha it is funny but all true!!! I especially want to emphasize the non-working stop light one! Which ever street is busier now has an eternal green until the other drivers from the cross street get road rage and pull out and it literally turns to gridlock.

Also watch out for cars that don't have a license plates (no joke) and put a piece of paper in their rear windshield that says "plate stolen." Many times these are stolen cars or, uhm, borrowed from friends or relatives without their permission...and if they get into an accident with you, most likely don't have insurance. And if you do get into an accident, pray the other driver (if at fault) doesn't have Estrella, they never pay up even in legit accidents. They will take you to court before paying and treat every claim as fraud.

Happy driving!
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Old 07-13-2010, 10:39 PM
 
Location: Miami
242 posts, read 246,685 times
Reputation: 147
LMAO priceless!
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Old 07-13-2010, 11:39 PM
 
Location: Miami/ Washington DC
4,836 posts, read 10,397,850 times
Reputation: 2518
Pretty much true. What gets me the worst is the people in the left lane that do 50mph in a 65 forcing people who want to go 75mph in the right lanes and thats when everything just gets messed up.

I must say I am glad the larger city Police Departments dont focus too much on traffic they have more things to take care of. Of course though if you go 2mph over the limit in Biscayne Park or dont wait 2 seconds at a stop sign in Surfside then its a ticket for you. Those cities make all their money on traffic tickets.
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Old 07-14-2010, 12:28 AM
 
2 posts, read 6,855 times
Reputation: 11
I'd like to add on to Rule #13-

If drivers are stopped at a red light, and you want to exit from a shopping center/driveway/parking lot, by no means will you be let in. The other drivers will pretend not to notice you and inch their cars forward as much as possible. Be prepared to floor it onto the street as soon as there's a break in traffic, and you will be honked at.

A couple more rules:
Do not use a signal, it means nothing, most likely other Miami drivers will be confused as to why your car has funny lights going off.

If you are approaching a red light, and take your foot off the gas to coast before braking, be prepared for the car behind you to speed around you and slam their brakes on. The rule is, you must gas it right up until the red light, then quickly brake.


The OP got most of it covered, but it comes down to this: throw everything you learned in driver's ed out the window, know your gas pedal, your brake pedal, your steering wheel, and get to your destination faster than everyone else. That's all you need.
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Old 07-14-2010, 08:17 AM
 
Location: United States of America
119 posts, read 202,374 times
Reputation: 63
^ So true about coasting when you see a red light up ahead! The idiot behind you loves to overtake you and then slam on the brakes when he gets to the light.

This is all priceless!
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Old 07-14-2010, 08:46 AM
 
Location: Miami
6,853 posts, read 20,087,005 times
Reputation: 2914
Quote:
Originally Posted by FlyMIA View Post
Pretty much true. What gets me the worst is the people in the left lane that do 50mph in a 65 forcing people who want to go 75mph in the right lanes and thats when everything just gets messed up.
This is one of my pet peeves, I can't stand when people do this. I would love to know why people do this?
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Old 07-14-2010, 09:18 AM
 
1,278 posts, read 3,349,909 times
Reputation: 759
Sad but very,very true,I think you got them all.I went one by one and can remember each situation happening many times.
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Old 07-14-2010, 10:41 AM
 
Location: Miami/ Washington DC
4,836 posts, read 10,397,850 times
Reputation: 2518
Quote:
Originally Posted by doggiebus View Post
This is one of my pet peeves, I can't stand when people do this. I would love to know why people do this?
Because they really dont know how to drive.

Also with so many illegal immigrants driving they all need to be going 25mph under the speed limit because they cant get caught speeding or anything. I HATE the slow drivers here.
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Old 07-14-2010, 10:46 AM
 
8 posts, read 14,995 times
Reputation: 16
It is strange that no one in Miami uses their turn signals. I have never understood this.
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