20 reasons South Florida doesn’t suck
Sure, life in South Florida bites, but every cloud has a silver lining. In fact, we have 20....
The reasons South Florida does suck are endless: The area is overpopulated, the highways are always under construction, nobody can afford a house, Deco Drive is still on the air, and every once in a while, an alligator likes to crawl out of the swamp and munch on a jogger. But as unfortunate and aggravating as these facts of South Florida life can be, they're really not intolerable. If they were, you'd be reading this online from your new apartment in North Carolina (see No. 20 on the following list), not from a place that weed-loving jurists (see No. 1), lazy sharks (No. 3) and the tallest law-enforcement officer in the country (No. 5) all call home. It's easy to forget how good we have it down here at the ass end of the continent. Here are 20 reminders.
1. Even the judges smoke pot
In South Florida, Sundays in March are tailor-made for lounging under a tree and letting gentle breezes caress you as you spark up a doobie and imagine the misery your relatives up north are enduring. That may have been what Broward County Judge Lawrence Korda was thinking as he allegedly puffed away March 18 in Hollywood's Stanley Goldman Memorial Park, never dreaming that those dudes jogging past him were plainclothes cops. The cops sniffed his smoke, and the judge was busted for possession. Now on voluntary leave, Korda is undergoing counseling and facing calls for his removal from the bench.
2. Every night is Skinny Coke Girl Night
No matter how many trends fly through the Magic City, Skinny Coke Girl will forever be a classic Miami look. Think Michelle Pfeiffer in Scarface, only bonier and more obnoxious. On weekends, Skinny Coke Girls can be spotted balancing their strawlike legs atop 5-inch Christian Louboutins. A 4-ounce plastic cup of Grey Goose and tonic looks like a Big Gulp in their slender, shaking yet perfectly manicured hands. Skinny Coke Girls are so efficient at partying that some nightclubs pay them just to hang out and recruit more of their kind. All they have to do is act as if they're having a killer time by blowing air kisses and randomly texting people on their T-Mobile Sidekicks. Men in shiny shirts and sugar daddies tend to be drawn to this look, perhaps because the more emaciated your date is, the more room you have to show off your loud Versace shirt.
3. Our sharks are too lazy to finish the job
South Florida sharks are slackers. Based on recent attacks on humans, they're apparently too lazy even to eat a full meal. The sharks that populate the waters off Hutchinson Island in Fort Pierce are particularly indolent. Earlier this year, one mangled the arm of a Palm Beach County prosecutor, leaving him with a hell of a fish story. A few months later, a shark bit a boy in the ass, and on the same day, another chomped a surfer's right ankle. Researchers say most shark attacks on humans are cases of mistaken identity; that is, the sharks think we're seals or other oceangoing mammals before realizing they've bitten into some kind of exotic cuisine. We say they're simply lazy bastards who will never know how truly delicious we really are.
4. Even dead celebrities don't want to leave
Anna Nicole Smith died Feb. 8 in her suite at the Seminole Hard Rock Hotel and Casino in Hollywood, but she extended her stay until March 2. Her body lay in the Broward County Medical Examiner's Office for 22 days before being flown to the Bahamas for burial. Robert Van Winkle, a.k.a. rap embarrassment Vanilla Ice, is technically still alive, but his career died in 1991 the moment the first Vanilla Ice coloring book rolled off the press. Although the original white rapper made a brief resurrection following his appearance on VH1's The Surreal Life in 2004, that show is simply a way station on the road to eternity for dead celebrities who continue to walk among us. Van Winkle can now be spotted around his home in Wellington and every year at the Toys in the Sun Run biker bash at Markham Park in Sunrise. He's usually riding a minibike through the crowd with his knees up to his chin, posing for cell phone cameras. But he's not fooling anyone: The dude is as dead as Anna Nicole.
5. Shaq is our sheriff
To most of the universe, the Miami Heat's Shaquille O'Neal is a playful giant and the most dominant NBA center in the game today. But to us, he's simply Sheriff Shaq, the guy who stays up late after games to work on his criminal-justice degree from the University of Phoenix. Already an honorary deputy in the U.S. Marshals and a reserve officer with the Miami Beach Police Department, the man does not take his duties lightly. In the past few years, he has interceded to protect a gay man from harm, tracked down the culprits who crashed into his own Escalade and spent the night after a playoff game assisting an armed-robbery victim who was beaten and left outside the gates of his mansion. Sheriff Shaq is our hero.
6. You can tell people off in several languages
It's no secret that South Florida is an ethnic cauldron, and sooner or later, you're going to **** off someone whose primary language is not English as you drive on I-95, shop at Sawgrass Mills or try to buy Forever Stamps at the post office. Rather than fume about "them danged fur'ners" or lobby to erect a big-ass wall, look at this as a learning opportunity. In no time, you may be able to tell people to go **** themselves in Spanish, Creole, French and Portuguese. With any luck, they'll offer you a few key phrases you've yet to learn.
7. The humidity is good for your skin
Las Vegas and Los Angeles are too dry, and New York is too polluted. But South Florida offers the perfect level of sweat-inducing humidity, locking in moisture and fending off wrinkles and dryness. Stepping outside can be like walking into a pore-opening steam room. While the humidity tends to cause bad-hair days, South Floridians enjoy a youthful, dewy glow that makeup artists spend hours with spray bottles and bronzers trying to simulate.
8. Even our DJs get championship rings
Sure, the Miami Heat's Dwyane Wade and Shaquille O'Neal had something to do with the team's winning its first-ever NBA championship in 2006 -- and failing to repeat the feat this year. But don't discount the efforts of the Heat's official record spinner, DJ Irie, who ensured that booties wagged and vocal cords stretched to the max at Miami's American Airlines Arena as he commanded fans to "make some noiiiiiise!" during Heat home games. Irie's career may be banging -- he has his own signature Adidas basketball shoe and even made a cameo in the Miami Vice movie -- but nothing screams "star time!" like the iced-out bling of the championship ring he received by helping the Heat groove to the No. 1 spot in basketball. In fact, he was the first DJ to get one.
9. We schedule our riots
Last October, football fans were surprised when an all-out brawl erupted at the Orange Bowl during a game between cross-town rivals the Miami Hurricanes and Florida International University Golden Panthers. The midfield battle included sucker punches, stompings and injured players coming off the bench, swinging crutches. Police had to cordon off the field and go into the stands to break up clusters of fights between fans. If you missed it, highlights are available on YouTube. But this year, you have no excuse to miss a repeat of the melee in person. The teams have scheduled their next riot for Sept. 15. Get there early for strategic tailgating and mapping out stadium escape routes.
10. Stone crab season
Even though they can be found everywhere from North Carolina to Belize, stone crabs are a delicacy in South Florida, where eating them is a rite of passage for many people. Their season runs from Oct. 15 to May 15, and is an annual cause for celebration. It's also the perfect time to genuflect before Joe's Stone Crab, the Miami Beach institution where diners routinely wait two hours or more for a table, the draw of those sweet, delicious mollusks being so strong. Joe's now boasts a takeout service, so the wait is down to just minutes. But even that can be too long. It's a wonder we even survive in the off-season.
11. The 11th Street Diner in Miami Beach is lively at 4 a.m.
On a recent morning, two women teetered down South Beach's Washington Avenue, looking dangerously unstable in 3-inch heels and the tiniest of minidresses. A slight shift in either direction and they would have entered gynecological, Britney Spears territory. The air was thick with the smell of alcohol and cigarette smoke that wafted onto the avenue from the neighborhood's nightclubs. But it was also redolent of another aroma -- that of frying eggs, bacon and sausage. The neon of the 11th Street Diner came into view, and a glance inside revealed that every seat was taken. The noise level was low as patrons concentrated on the booze-absorbing and healing qualities of greasy grub. This, we thought, is heaven: Sunday morning on South Beach while the rest of the boring world is fast asleep.
12. We're the only people who really get Carl Hiaasen's novels
Readers outside South Florida probably think Miami Herald columnist and author Carl Hiaasen is pretty imaginative, coming up with all those crazy criminal schemes in his novels, which include Strip Tease, Hoot and Skinny Dip. "Ha!" we say. Ever read a local newspaper? We have crooks here who make Hiaasen's typically dumb characters look like Michael Corleone. Remember the guy who tried to hold up a 7-Eleven with a screwdriver? What about the dude in Miami who tried to rob a bank by cell phone? Or the phony physician who gave a male undercover detective a prescription for "passion cream for women" but with the word women crossed out? So, when South Floridians read Hiaasen, we just smile, nod and go, "Mmm-hmm."
13. Our mayors don't try to hide what scumbags they truly are
To paraphrase political wisdom, the devil you know is better than the devil you don't. Thankfully, our elected officials don't make too much of a secret of their odiousness. Take Fort Lauderdale Mayor Jim Naugle -- please! When presented with a proposal to reduce greenhouse gases -- one that had been signed by the mayors of 28 other South Florida cities -- hizzoner called the agreement "hate-America stuff" concocted by "a bunch of scientists meeting in Paris who've had too much wine." Meanwhile, Hollywood Mayor Mara Giulianti found herself mired in scandal over her role in the city's selection of a sewage-treatment company that promised kickbacks to then-City Commissioner Keith Wasserstrom, a close ally of the mayor's and law partner to her son. And the stink of corruption hangs about West Palm Beach Mayor Lois Frankel like a fart in an elevator, particularly after a grand jury pointed out just how skeevy it looked for her to be taking campaign contributions from developers.
14. Our celebrity residents are colossal jackasses, but at least they're patriotic
15. Electricity bills go down during hurricane season
Sure, the 2005 hurricane season wreaked havoc on our roofs, insurance rates, landscape and collective peace of mind. And with the next hurricane season right around the corner, we're beginning to feel that familiar sense of unease. Will we get another pass, as we did last year, or will we all literally be picking up the pieces of our lives days after the first big storm starts forming out in the Atlantic? If there's any comfort to be found in this paranoia, it's the prospect of getting a break on our electric bills. While taking cold showers and eating grilled cucumbers and rotting chicken is seldom fun, opening that envelope from Florida Power and Light and seeing a bill costing less than our Netflix dues makes the incessant rumble of our neighbor's generator sound all that much sweeter. Plus, if we don't have power, we don't have to listen to Bryan Norcross natter on about "feeder bands" and "cones of probability." Hell, that's reason enough to make us shut off the power on our own.
16. Florida Marlins games never sell out
On April 11, a moderately cool night that was just about perfect for baseball, the Marlins welcomed the Milwaukee Brewers to Dolphin Stadium and drew a paid attendance of 11,379. That same evening, about 1,500 miles away, the Brewers were loaning their home field, Miller Park, to the Cleveland Indians and Los Angeles Angels of Anaheim, who were forced to relocate their three-game series because of a relentless snowstorm in Cleveland. (The Indians' Jacobs Field has no roof.) It was snowing that night in Milwaukee, too, but because Miller Park has a retractable roof, the teams were able to play ball. The attendance? More than 17,000. In other words, a baseball game between two out-of-town teams in the icy Midwest drew more people than one played on a clement night at Dolphin Stadium. The point here is that no matter how much of an ill effect poor attendance may have on the Marlins' morale and owner Jeffrey Loria's bank account, South Florida baseball fans -- the few, the proud -- will never have to worry about a Marlins game selling out. That is, until the Fish surprise everyone once again and wind up in another Fall Classic. With any luck, that Series won't be played in Milwaukee.
17. Cool bands have finally decided it's OK to play here
Remember five years ago? Yeah, we don't, either. But let us help fill you in: No Revolution, no Studio A, no Langerado Music Festival … Is it all starting to come back? You'd hop online to see the tour schedule of your favorite band, and it'd go as far south as Atlanta, maybe Tampa or Orlando, and then veer back northward, leaving South Florida alone … so, so alone. But not no more, Billy. With Revolution and Studio A pulling in great new acts like Clap Your Hands Say Yeah and indie faves like Yo La Tengo, and Langerado bringing everyone from Wilco to The New Pornographers to our neck of the woods, we have entered a golden age of South Florida concerts. We've heard unsubstantiated rumors that things used to be this way, when national touring acts would visit mythical places like The Edge or The Kitchen Club, but we've dismissed such tales as the fever dreams of aging hipsters. So rejoice, concertgoers! It doesn't get any better than this.
18. You can get a Cuban sandwich damn near anywhere
Thanks to South Florida's sizable exile community, Cuban sandwiches have become as ubiquitous in these parts as suntans and out-of-work real estate agents. What's most appetizing about this fact, however, is that these sandwiches can be found not only in Cuban restaurants like those that occupy nearly every street corner in Miami-Dade County or that make up the great Las Vegas chain in Broward but also in some of the most unlikely places. The decidedly nonethnic grocery chain Publix prepares a decent Cuban sandwich at its sub stations, though it makes a serious transgression by adding mayonnaise to its prepackaged version. The roadside Dania Beach eatery Hot Diggity Dogs, which is best-known for its signature Chicago-style wieners, serves a Cuban the size of Fidel Castro's ego. The Deerfield Beach restaurant JB's on the Beach brags that it makes "the best Cuban sandwich ever." It doesn't, but grant the restaurant a little slack, because these days, the competition to make a better Cuban sandwich than the next guy is muy … well, you know.
19. Where else could you pay too much for a drink, wait forever till someone serves it to you and still not mind because you've been staring dreamily at the Intracoastal for 45 minutes?
You don't go to Hollywood's Le Tub for a quick drink and a bite. No, you visit the dockside bar and restaurant when time is no object because, rest assured, you will wait. And wait. And wait. But you won't be staring at your watch wondering what the hell happened to your vodka tonic and grilled chicken sandwich. Instead, you'll be gazing at the sun- or moon-flecked waters, perhaps studying the trajectory of a fish flipping to the surface or the wake of a passing boat. Sunsets are spectacular, and nighttime views hold their own subdued kind of magic. Neither the drink nor the grub will be cheap, and you won't be able to use a credit card to pay for it -- cash only -- but that's OK: You'll be so blissed-out by the time you settle up that you may even want to leave a generous tip for your server.
20. Everyone's moving to North Carolina
At least it seems that way. Chances are someone you know is planning -- or wishing -- to move to the Tar Heel State. Earlier this year, the Sun-Sentinel cited a United Van Lines announcement that it moved more people out of Florida than into it, with the majority of residents heading for the woody hills of North Carolina. High property taxes, the threat of hurricanes and the sheer aggravation of living in an overpopulated paradise appear to be squeezing people out of the peninsula and stopping them from moving here altogether. And really, who could blame them? North Carolina is undeniably pretty, the people are friendly, and rumor has it the seasons change there. But for those of us who decide to stick it out in the land of nuts and money, this exodus couldn't come at a better time. Just imagine: If enough people leave, housing prices could fall back to affordable levels, fewer jackasses would cut us off in traffic and all those damn Hummer dealerships may just dry up and blow away. Y'all don't come back now, you hear?
compliments of southflorida.com
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