[vivosmith]

Hi,
I was born in Alpena and I have lived back here for 7 years after living in TC. One thing I have noticed is it seems cliquish here. I do not attend church and do not go to the bars. I am more of an intellectual and besides writing, programming, working, going to school, travel, and a heavy dose of politics, I find it hard to find stuff to do (I do enjoy the food scene though).

My main question is why does it seem like younger adults tend to be more closed off? I can talk to any middle age to older adult with no problem and have various connections to various people that run things in town, so I am not a complete loner. But when I try to talk to people my own age (21) outside of a bar setting, it seems like it is harder to do. Cold approaching does not seem to be popular and people tend to call you a creep for doing that. Now I have dated of plenty decent looking women, so I don't think it is looks per se. I do have aspergers and was home schooled, so i think that might be part of it. I just get a little depressed, because I despite being born here, I really do not feel like I fit here. Any thoughts?

[canudigit]

Our daughter just graduated from the University of Michigan, so even though I am not part of your generation, I have been exposed to it quite a bit in recent years.

One thing that strikes me with your generation that didn't seem as profound as when I was that age, is that it seems that young people line up very roughly into two groups: there are those who party and get their socialization from the bar scene and drinking culture, and those who abstain from alcohol, are much more conservative, and are often aligned with a specific religion.

I think back in my day it was easier to breach these two extremes and socialize with either group, but today it seems so much more polarized, and both types are more extreme. The kids I saw at U of M who were of the alcohol culture were very heavily into it, as in, they had to have alcohol to have fun and they drank a LOT. The kids who abstained formed small groups with like minded kids and tended to avoid the whole drinking culture and the people who participated in it. Our daughter was in the latter group and pretty quickly after starting college found a group of girls from more conservative families (like us) who didn't party and had a religious upbringing, whether it be Christian, Jewish, or Muslim. The like minded kids just kind of gravitated towards each other, and there wasn't much in between the two extremes.

It sounds like you are kind of stuck in this middle ground area where you don't like the bar culture but you also don't like the more conservative culture. That is kind of tough. It sounds like a cliche', but since you are heavily into politics, what about getting involved in some local campaigns where you can find like minded people who share your political views and aren't too busy out drinking at the bars to get involved? People who make time to take up causes that they believe in also tend to believe that there is more to life than just drinking night after night, so you should be able to find something to talk about. Join a book club, a gym, a writing group...anything where you will find other people who share your interests and where you are forced to interact with each other.

That's all I can think of. Best of luck to you.

[fallingwater]

I think it is pretty tough to socialize in your generation. I say this only because I watched my son struggle with it for years and he is a couple of years younger than you. We left MI and moved to IN when he was in still in elementary school. At first I thought it had to do with us being new comers to the area but after years of us living here, I realized it was bigger than that. When I was a kid, being the new kid to town made you interesting. People sought you out, wanted to know your story. Friends were hard to come by when he was younger. When my son entered Jr. high anyone that tried were called a "creeper". First time I had ever heard the term. Cliques had already formed at a much younger age. If they didn't know you since kindergarten you were out. He did eventually make friends but it wasn't easy. In high school, it became more segregated. There seemed to be about 3 groups. The kids that were heavy into sports. Strongly encouraged by their parents, thinking they were keeping their kids out of trouble. My son said those kids were the worse for drug use. The kids that weren't involved in anything and did drugs and drink. Then very conservative types that didn't do drugs but were involved in religion and had over protective parents that wouldn't want my kid over because "they don't know him" and zero interest in getting to know us. My son is pretty straight laced which has led to difficulty in making friends. It just seems like the generation is heavy into technology. They hang out but all stare at their phones.

He graduated last year. We have a lot of stellar colleges in the area so a good portion stayed in the area and go to school. Some moved away to college and others are still trying to figure out what they want to do in life. Committing to anything seems to be an issue as well. My son loves music and enjoys going to concerts or sporting events. Pinning down a friend to attend these things have been a challenge for him. They consistently flake out. They say they will go and then simply not answer the phone or cancel at the last minute.

I gave my son a year to think about what he wants to do. He realized he would like to go to school after all. I am hoping that college will help him find more people to connect with. If you are not in school, that might be an option for you.

Sorry, I just realized you said you were in school. When you graduate, options to look elsewhere may be a good fit.

[Coldjensens]

When we moved back to Michigan after 18 years in California, we found it difficult to get accepted into social circles. Out west, people move around all the time, so quick, short friendships are plentiful. Here is different. Friendships tend to be more like family and less temporary. People seem to stay put here more, so most social circles are people who have known each other for years or decades. They do not seem real interested in inviting new people into their circles and if they do, there are lots of old times jokes stories and discussions that you cannot follow or participate in. People we have encountered would do anything for you if you are in need, but bring you into their social circle? Pshaw. Eventually you can work your way in. It takes years. Still after tens years back we have few new friends and mostly newcomers. Our older kids had a very hard time getting accepted in the high school, but the younger ones were fine and they now have their own years in the making circles of friends for life. I have to remind them to be welcoming to newcomers. Not just welcome them or help them find their waay around, but actually invite them into their circle of friends and include them.

[Giesela]

I think this is one of the reasons that Alpena doesn't get the tourism and retiree mentions that TC does. The townies don't need new friends and so it doesn't feel particularly welcoming.