Concerned wife (Army, reserves, Air Force Reserve, Navy)

[HisAngels]

Hello everyone.
My husband is thinking about joining the marine corps reserves. As a wife with a 2 year old who is a complete daddy's girl, I am concerned with how much my life will change. He doesn't want to go into the recruitment office until he is "fit" (in his mind's eye) and in shape. I understand that and am supportive in everything he wants to do. What sort of bothers me is that he says it is a joint decision, he won't do anything to appease my concerns or questions. (I would never take this opportunity away from him, it is something he was going to do around the time we started dating but it was love at first sight and was scared I wouldnt wait for him.) I am currently taking online courses and would love to have my job situation settled before he evens goes into basic (if he ultimately decides to), which he agrees with. He isnt at all worried that he would leave us with no way to live, he's put money away for us and he knows that my family lives only a few miles away and would help me.

Basically, what I am asking is if someone could give me a small (or large) insight to what my family would be getting into. I don't really ever use forums so i will check back here or I can be emailed (aciancio@comcast.net)

Thank you to all who help me!

[dmarie123]

I am in the military, but not the Marines. My husband is not. His support helps to lesson the intense guilt that I feel when I have to uproot us and move. That's harder than being in the military. If I were single, this would be the best life ever. Harder than anything to do with my job, is the guilt that I feel because I know it makes my husband's life harder. I think about giving up my dream of retiring to make my husband's life easier, even though he would never actually ask me to do it, but I'm afraid I'd resent him for it.

I can't speak to the everyday life, but I can tell you that family members are as important as the military member when it comes to getting the mission done. Your support can make or break his career, and your marriage.

If you can not support him through year long deployments in places where he risks his life (even in the reserves) and leaves you with the weight of everything else on your shoulders... tell him you don't think you can... and talk about it. If he joins and YOU can't handle it, it will destroy your marriage, his career, or both.

If you CHOOSE to be supportive, you must be supportive.

That's my $.02

[dmarie123]

On another note... think of the pride you will feel when he is in that amazing uniform, doing something that you and your kids can be proud of!

The few, the proud, the Marines... and their wives!

[Balad1]

The first hurdle to overcome is household income; his pay while at basic and advanced training will be quite low.

E-1 - $1,447.20 a month with a $619.50 housing allowance
E-2 - $1,622.10 a month with a $619.50 housing allowance

Many families today live pay check to pay check and if their income is all of a sudden cut in half it will cause an extreme hardship. You’ll have to decide if this pertains to your family.

Next is the aspect of him being deployed, and he will be deployed. Can you deal with the home front while he’s away for 8-12 months?

I'm not knocking the idea of him enlisting I am only mentioning 2 of the biggest issues facing Reserve and National Guard soldiers.

[HisAngels]

That is both very helpful and something to think about. I am a super supportive wife and mother. I couldn't even fathom not standing next to him through this. Not to toot my own horn, but I am a very strong and independent person. I know I can handle all of what happens here, thats not a problem. I just think of my little one asking for her daddy and him not being able to be there for her. (Be a difference if she didnt have 2.5 years of him already!!!)

Is there any major differences to active duty marine and reserves? Thats where my confusion comes in. I would like to talk to a recruiter myself, but I do not want to go behind his back to do that, and I do not want to be "pushy" in having him talk to one. It is something he wants to do and I can live with that.

Would we have to move? Him being only in the reserves. We are in chicago and comfortable at the moment. And he has a pretty decent job with a cable company so how would all this really affect his job?

p.s. speaking of resentments..It is the one major reason I am supporting him. I plan on being with this man for the rest of our lives, and I do not want him resenting me in the future for not supporting him.

Thanks~!

[macjr82]

I'm a Marine recruiter, I used to be in the Reserves and I'm married with an 6 yr old son and 9 yr old daughter. Your husband will keep his job with the cable company, provided he gives them proper notification before going to recruit training.
USERRA Overview - Military Benefits - Military.com

on active duty (AD) it would be his everyday job. IN the reserves he'll go to the reserve drill center one weekend/month and will serve on AD 2 weeks a year. All his initial training will be same as AD, meaning he'll go to boot camp for 3 months, come home for 10 days leave, the go to combat training and then go to his job school. Upon graduating from his job school he'll be discharged from AD and begin his reserve service.

Here is a site my wife posts on every so often:
CinCHouse.com | Where military wives and women in uniform are 'Commanders in Chief'

Also feel free to ask me any questions here or via a direct message.

edit: whenver he decides to go see a recruiter you will be involved in the process. He'll basically need your permission to join, and you'll have to do a financial worksheet among other things.

[10,000Lakes]

also look at Pendleton Underground - heart and soul of our Camp Pendleton community

[dmarie123]

I will tell you that a recruiter will be more than happy to talk to you BOTH, at the same time. If he/she is not, you have the wrong recruiter. You will have to leave the room for some of the personal history questions, but he/she can answer your questions about the Marines.

As macjr82 said, the reserves means he keeps his regular job and only reports once a month and 2 weeks a year. This is very little pay, so he'd need to keep his job. However, he can still get deployed for a year at a time. Being in the reserves does not prevent or change that. When he is deployed, he will get the same pay as the other people who are deployed, and will get full benefits, and your family will get full benefits.

They say that the hardest part about a deployment is coming home. You, as his wife, will have learned to live without him. The kids will rely on you for everything, and him for nothing. You will manage the house completely alone, and when he comes home he will feel like a stranger, and outsider, and he will feel un-needed... because you can survive without him. You will be used to setting the schedule however you like, cooking foods that you like but he doesn't, sleeping in the whole bed, disciplining the kids without his help or input. He will feel shut off from the kids, and try to come home and be the good guy so he can rebond with them, leaving you to do the dirty work. You'll be mad at him for that, even though you try to understand.

He might suffer slight PTSD, depending on his job or what he faces "over there" and it might take awhile for him to come of out of a shell. Maybe this won't happen, but it happens to many! Depending on his job, there is a good chance he might take a life while he is over there (but also a chance he won't even see direct combat). If something like this happens, he probably won't deal with the emotional aftermath until he gets home... and he may not want your help dealing with it.

I'm not saying these things will happen... but this is the reality that many families face. I'm not trying to scare you. If these things happen, and you get through them, you will be a stronger couple for it, and he will know he has an amazing spouse. It might be easy, he might deploy, play a lot of video games, stay safe, work out at the gym, come back the sexiest you've ever seen him, and with a padded bank account.

If he deploys, you might not get many phone calls or letters, depending on his job and what he does. You'll have to remember that not hearing from him for 2 weeks doesn't mean he is not thinking about you. It means his busy, doesn't have access to a phone, doesn't have anything to talk about but stuff that will scare you and that he doesn't want to share with you at the moment because when he is not in the middle of it, he doesn't want to think about it, and you have to remember not to get on his case when he does call, cuz he'll call less. Most don't call as often as they can cuz they really have nothing to say, "I miss you, rode around in another convoy today, exact the same as the last 187 days straight..." and they don't always want to hear about your life or your day, because it reminds them that you don't need them, are surviving fine without them, the kids aren't sadly sitting at home missing him, and it can be heartbreaking.

Please don't think it's all negative though. The honor of being a marine is like nothing else. He'll make great memories, and your marriage will be tested, and if it's good, it will survive, and you'll be cemented by the experiences, and he'll have so many new experiences and perspectives to enrich the lives of your kids.

Some practical things- while in the reserves there isn't the same health benefits as active duty, like full medical coverage... but you can purchase it... at INSANELY low prices compared to regular health care plans. I'm not sure what the college benefits are, but I know he'll get the GI Bill... and that can be gifted to your kids if he serves long enough (6 years for active duty, not sure about reserves). That's a couple of years of college...paid in full with living expenses.

I recommend the link from 10,000lakes.

This is another one: The U.S. Military Spouses' Club

Married to the Military - MarineCorpsTimes.com

How to Find a Marine Wife Support Group | eHow.com

[marmac]

Your 3rd paragraph was a gem and was stated very well.

I witnessed that happen to relatives and friends.

[Poncho_NM]

Originally Posted by HisAngels

Is there any major differences to active duty marine and reserves? Thats where my confusion comes in.

Yes, there can be some confusion and each of the services can have differences. (I am retired Army) The reserves are many times like macjr82, ad depending on the needs, many can be brought to active duty.

For example today:

National Guard (In Federal Status) and Reserve Activated as of June 08, 2010

This week the Army, Marine Corps and Air Force announced a decrease in activated reservists, while the Navy and Coast Guard announced an increase. The net collective result is 664 fewer reservists activated than last week.

At any given time, services may activate some units and individuals while deactivating others, making it possible for these figures to either increase or decrease. The total number currently on active duty from the Army National Guard and Army Reserve is 93,476; Navy Reserve, 6,225; Air National Guard and Air Force Reserve, 18,359; Marine Corps Reserve, 6,193; and the Coast Guard Reserve, 841. This brings the total National Guard and Reserve personnel who have been activated to 125,094, including both units and individual augmentees.

Defense.gov News Release: National Guard (In Federal Status) and Reserve Activated as of June 08, 2010


You might also look at this page: U.S. Marine Corps Forces Reserve - Home