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Every deployment that I made ended with divorces. We would surface and get huge mail bags filled with the last 4 months worth of mail. Go through it all and sort them by post-date, and you would see the progression of divorce. A letter or two about how lonely the wife is, then the past due CC bills, and noticed from a court telling the servicemember to appear, then the court's ruling and about how the servicemember has 'abandoned' his wife and children, and how much he now owes.
After 19 deployments I seem to recall that we never returned home without at least three divorces from among our crew.
In later years when I had became a 'Command Financial Specialist', it became one of my duties to try and help the servicemember to make sense of it all and start a payment plan against how much the courts say he owes. Sometimes we would pass a hat to raise funds to fly the servicemember to his home-state so he could at least appear in the court for one last look at his x-wife.
Yes, people will tell you that there are laws which are supposed to stop courts from hammering servicemembers until at least we return. But I never heard of that ever happening, not once in my career.
The marriages that lasted?
I have known of three.
In all three, the wife is independent. She has her own career, is strong willed, and may not care if she sees her husband this year or next.
As I heard one of these ladies say to me multiple times, she has no real 'need' for a man in her life. Next year will be our 30th anniversary.
The law is called the "Solider and Sailor Civil Relief Act," I have heard of it working, the problem is that it is not automatic. A servicemeber has to "invoke it" -- judges don't just magically know that a husband/wife is deployed.
I tried to divorce my own husband when he was on a short tour, and I couldn't. He invoked the act and all court proceeding stopped. About 1 month later he met someone and decided he wanted to date her, so he told his lawyer to waive his relief act benefits and the divorce was finalized a couple weeks later. And no, I wasn't one of of those cheating wives. He was cheating before I decided I wanted a divorce.
Now days, you can't be charged with abandoning your family when you have orders, and you can stop divorce proceedings dead in their tracts. But again, the judge has to be aware that you are deployed. No one can bring a civil suit (divorce/custody) against a deployed military member, it has to be on hold until they get back. Also, there are many laws in place that prohibit judges from using military service as a grounds to award custody to the other parent.
My take on the women with a higher divorce rate is not a cheating thing but a stress of a very demanding career coupled with the societal pressure to be a supermom and less acceptance of her job getting in the way of being there for everything versus the father's job getting in the way. Just my thoughts.
I am not making an excuse for any woman that would cheat- but I do think Lisdol is on to something here. Women who work the same demanding military life as men are often held to the same domestic stereotypes. Many women go to work, grocery shop, pick up kids, go home and cook for their husbands, do laundry, clean the house... and the husbands don't do those things. I'm not saying all... some husbands do more around than house than wives, but I think the balance can be skewed.
The law is called the "Solider and Sailor Civil Relief Act," I have heard of it working, the problem is that it is not automatic. A servicemeber has to "invoke it" -- judges don't just magically know that a husband/wife is deployed.
First the servicemember would need to know that the spouse was filing for divorce.
Then the service member would have to be able to contact the court.
In most cases I saw, the servicemember learned about the divorce long after it was final.
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I tried to divorce my own husband when he was on a short tour, and I couldn't. He invoked the act and all court proceeding stopped. About 1 month later he met someone and decided he wanted to date her, so he told his lawyer to waive his relief act benefits and the divorce was finalized a couple weeks later. And no, I wasn't one of of those cheating wives. He was cheating before I decided I wanted a divorce.
Now days, you can't be charged with abandoning your family when you have orders, and you can stop divorce proceedings dead in their tracts. But again, the judge has to be aware that you are deployed. No one can bring a civil suit (divorce/custody) against a deployed military member, it has to be on hold until they get back. Also, there are many laws in place that prohibit judges from using military service as a grounds to award custody to the other parent.
I am not making an excuse for any woman that would cheat- but I do think Lisdol is on to something here. Women who work the same demanding military life as men are often held to the same domestic stereotypes.
I was not aware that females normally deploy 7-months of every year.
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... Many women go to work, grocery shop, pick up kids, go home and cook for their husbands, do laundry, clean the house...
So they go away for 3 or 4 months, and each time when they return they are expected to stop on their way home to get groceries, pick up the kids and cook?
Okay, who does it most of the year when they are gone?
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... and the husbands don't do those things. I'm not saying all... some husbands do more around than house than wives, but I think the balance can be skewed.
I agree.
When I was on Active Duty, my wife certainly did more of the domestic stuff. Most years, I was deployed most of the year.
The only person eating groceries is the person who lives at the house.
The only person doing laundry in the house is the one living in the house.
I do not think it would be practical for the deployed servicemember to be expected to do an equal portion [or more] of the domestic duties when he does not live there except for only a few months each year.
First the servicemember would need to know that the spouse was filing for divorce.
Then the service member would have to be able to contact the court.
In most cases I saw, the servicemember learned about the divorce long after it was final.
That is interesting. I never even thought of it that way. I suppose if the spouse plays dumb like he/she doesn't know where the spouse is, then they could conceivably hide divorce proceedings from the other. Normally it takes both signatures, but it makes since if the other spouse presents a case of abandonment and hides the fact that they are in the military. I wonder if there is any recourse once the military member finds out. Fraud charges maybe?
I was not aware that females normally deploy 7-months of every year.
So they go away for 3 or 4 months, and each time when they return they are expected to stop on their way home to get groceries, pick up the kids and cook?
Okay, who does it most of the year when they are gone?
I agree.
When I was on Active Duty, my wife certainly did more of the domestic stuff. Most years, I was deployed most of the year.
The only person eating groceries is the person who lives at the house.
The only person doing laundry in the house is the one living in the house.
I do not think it would be practical for the deployed servicemember to be expected to do an equal portion [or more] of the domestic duties when he does not live there except for only a few months each year.
I could be wrong.
Forest, when a female is in a job that deploys, they are going to have the same deployment schedule as the men. And I'm not talking about deployments. Of course during a deployment the man is responsible for everything back home. But I mean in general day to do life.
Again, I'm not making an excuse for females. It is no excuse. And it's not that way for every marriage. I just think it might be that way in SOME marriages.
I know I feel pressure to work and be domestic, and some husbands do not feel the need to be domestic. SOME- I'm not trying to trash men here... just SOME. Heck- some women are lazy and don't do anything!
That is interesting. I never even thought of it that way. I suppose if the spouse plays dumb like he/she doesn't know where the spouse is, then they could conceivably hide divorce proceedings from the other. Normally it takes both signatures, but it makes since if the other spouse presents a case of abandonment and hides the fact that they are in the military. I wonder if there is any recourse once the military member finds out. Fraud charges maybe?
I have no idea.
Where I got involved in these was commonly after we surfaced when the divorce has been finalized. The stacks of past due bills are huge; and sometimes the DOD will have already acted on the court-ordered past due alimony and child-support.
MilPers will stop paychecks to the servicemember directing them instead to the court [in an effort to cover all past-due alimony and child-support]. Which is kind of goofy when you consider that our paychecks often go automatically into a checking account usually with the wife on the account. So she has been living all along on the service members pay.
Due to all of this our Security Manager's Office would begin paperwork to remove the servicemembers security clearances; which would cause him to leave subs and lower his gross take-home pay.
The service member would be referred to me, as Command Financial Specialist, in an effort to save his career.
Forest, when a female is in a job that deploys, they are going to have the same deployment schedule as the men. And I'm not talking about deployments. Of course during a deployment the man is responsible for everything back home. But I mean in general day to do life.
Okay, I see.
In the normal day-to-day life during my career we were focused on deployment.
Deployment made up the over-whelming majority of each year of my career. Being non-deployed was a minority of the time for me.
I have never witnessed an example of females deploying at the same rate as males. I am certain that it happens, I too hear 'stories'. But in my short little career which only spanned 24+ years I never saw it [1976 - 2001]
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... Again, I'm not making an excuse for females. It is no excuse. And it's not that way for every marriage. I just think it might be that way in SOME marriages.
I know I feel pressure to work and be domestic, and some husbands do not feel the need to be domestic. SOME- I'm not trying to trash men here... just SOME. Heck- some women are lazy and don't do anything!
Where I got involved in these was commonly after we surfaced when the divorce has been finalized. The stacks of past due bills are huge; and sometimes the DOD will have already acted on the court-ordered past due alimony and child-support.
MilPers will stop paychecks to the servicemember directing them instead to the court [in an effort to cover all past-due alimony and child-support]. Which is kind of goofy when you consider that our paychecks often go automatically into a checking account usually with the wife on the account. So she has been living all along on the service members pay.
Due to all of this our Security Manager's Office would begin paperwork to remove the servicemembers security clearances; which would cause him to leave subs and lower his gross take-home pay.
The service member would be referred to me, as Command Financial Specialist, in an effort to save his career.
Yeah, I know a woman who lost her security clearance (she lost her secret, not even TS) because of something similar. She divorced her civilian husband, but didn't close join credit cards. He changed the addresses on the cards, ran the balances up, didn't pay--- she never got the notices. Didn't even know about it the bills until the security manager revoked her clearance and she almost lost her job. I'm not sure exactly how, but she eventually got it cleared up. I think she had to close the cards and start paying on them. Sucks! My husband and I have no joint credit card!! LOL
I've been researching and asking around about whether to get married before going in or while in the service. Assuming all goes well I'd be going the army ocs route. In a perfect world i'd lean towards before but being an unemployed graduate makes it tougher. Anyone with any experience or input on this?
I'm an Army OCS grad as is my dh. Your significant other must have a very strong backbone to deal with OCS.
Don't go into the military just for a job b/c working the stocking shift at WalMart will be very appealing about 1 day into the whole enroute OCS experience.
If you are in the military, you are in the military. Your marriage is of no significance to Uncle Sam or your soldiers or your commander. The list goes on of who could care less about your marriage due to the complex nature of the job and as an officer, where you need to be mentally.
We got married & my dh was deployed 11 months later. I had our first child 3 wks prior to deployment.
The military tests a marriage, no matter how mentally prepared you think you are to it.
We love that we were prior military. But for our family, the whole military lifestyle due to constant deployments was not for us. As officers, we also came in w/ college degrees that no matter how crappy the economy, gives us some leyway over no degree at all.
I honestly believe though had Iraq & Afghanistan been better handled by our leaders in DC, we'd both still be in the military.
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