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Old 04-17-2017, 08:03 PM
 
Location: NE Mississippi
7,155 posts, read 5,008,309 times
Reputation: 12068

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Here's how to simulate being in the navy. I am an old vet with 9 years active duty.
This list is real.

1. Buy a dumpster, paint it gray inside and out, and live in it for six months.
(1a. Submarines - Black outside Pea Green inside.)

2. Run all the pipes and wires in your house exposed on the walls.

3. Repaint your entire house every month.

4. Renovate your bathroom. Build a wall across the middle of the bathtub and move the shower head to chest level. When you take showers, make sure you turn off the water while you soap down.

5. Put lube oil in your humidifier and set it on high.

6. Once a week, blow air up your chimney, with a leaf blower and let the wind carry the soot onto your neighbor's house. Ignore his complaints.

7. Once a month, take all major appliances apart and reassemble them.

8. Raise the thresholds and lower the headers of your front and back doors so that you either trip or bang your head every time you pass through them.

9. Disassemble and inspect your lawnmower every week.

10. On Mondays, Wednesdays, and Fridays, turn your water heater temperature up to 200 degrees. On Tuesdays and Thursdays, turn the water heater off. On Saturdays and Sundays tell your family they use too much water, so no bathing will be allowed.

11. Raise your bed to within 6 inches of the ceiling, so you can't turn over without getting out and then getting back in.

12. Sleep on the shelf in your closet. Replace the closet door with a curtain. Have your spouse whip open the curtain about 3 hours after you go to sleep, shine a flashlight in your eyes, and say "Sorry, wrong rack."

13. Make your family qualify, to operate each appliance in your house - dishwasher operator, blender technician, etc. Re-qualify every 6 months.

14. Have your neighbor come over each day at 0500, blow a whistle so loud Helen Keller could hear it, and shout "Reveille, reveille, all hands heave out and trice up."

15. Have your mother-in-law write down everything she's going to do the following day, then have her make you stand in your back yard at 0600 while she reads it to you.

16. Submit a request chit to your father-in-law requesting permission to leave your house before 1500....... In triplicate.

17. Empty all the garbage bins in your house and sweep the driveway three times a day, whether it needs it or not. "Now sweepers, sweepers, man your brooms, give the ship a clean sweep down fore and aft, empty all **** cans and butt kits!"

18. Have your neighbor collect all your mail for a month, read your magazines, and randomly lose every 5th item before delivering the rest.

19. Watch no TV except for movies played in the middle of the night. Have your family vote on which movie to watch, then show a different one-- the same one every night.

20. When your children are in bed, run into their room with a megaphone shouting "Now general quarters, general quarters! All hands man your battle stations!

21. Make your family's menu a week ahead of time without consulting the pantry or refrigerator.

22. Post a menu on the kitchen door informing your family that they are having steak for dinner. Then make them wait in line for an hour. When they finally get to the kitchen, tell them you are out of steak, but they can have dried ham or hot dogs. Repeat daily until they ignore the menu and just ask for hot dogs.

23. Bake a cake. Prop up one side of the pan so the cake bakes unevenly. Spread icing real thick to level it off.

24. Get up every night around midnight and have a peanut butter and jelly sandwich on stale bread. (Midrats)

25. Set your alarm clock to go off at random during the night. At the alarm, jump up and dress as fast as you can, making sure to button your top shirt button and tuck your pants into your socks. Run out into the backyard and uncoil the garden hose and put out a simulated fire.

26. Every week or so, throw your cat or dog into the pool and shout "Man overboard, port side!" Rate your family members on how fast they respond.

27. Put the headphones from your stereo on your head, but don't plug them in. Hang a paper cup around your neck on a string. Stand in front of the stove, and speak into the paper cup, "Stove manned and ready." After an hour or so, speak into the cup again "Stove secured." Roll up the headphones and paper cup and stow them in a shoe box.

28. Make your family turn out all the lights and go to bed at 10 p.m. "Now taps, taps! Lights out! Maintain silence throughout the ship!" Then immediately have an 18-wheeler crash into your house. (For aircraft carrier sailors.)

29. Build a fire in a trash can in your garage. Loudly announce to your family, "This is a drill, this is a drill! Fire in hangar bay one!"

30. Place a podium at the end of your driveway. Have your family stand in front of the podium for 4-hour intervals. (Best done when the weather is worst; January is a good time.)

31.Next time there's a bad thunderstorm in your area, find the biggest horse you can, put a two-inch mattress on his back, strap yourself to it and turn him loose in a barn for six hours. Then get up and go to work.

32. For former engineers, bring your lawn mower into the living room, and run it all day long.

33. Make coffee using eighteen scoops of budget priced coffee grounds per pot, and let the pot simmer for 5 hours before drinking.

34. Have someone under the age of ten give you a haircut with sheep shears.

35. Sew the back pockets of your jeans onto the front

36. Add 1/3 cup of diesel fuel to the laundry.

37. Take hourly readings on your electric and water meters.

38. Every couple of weeks, dress up in your best clothes and go to the scummiest part of town. Find the most run down, trashiest bar, and drink beer until you are hammered. Then walk all the way home.

39. Lock yourself and your family in the house for six weeks. Tell them that at the end of the 6th week you'll take them to Disney World for liberty. At the end of the 6th week, inform them the trip to Disney World has been canceled because they need to get ready for an inspection, and it will be another week before they can leave the house.

And a couple more:

Paint in each room, hallway, and closet of your home on the wall, a bright yellow rectangle approximately 12" high and 18" wide. Paint in the rectangle a description of the 'space' so that everyone will know where they are. A sample description is 1-84-2L

The '1' indicates the main deck of your home. The '84' indicates the number of wall studs counting back from the 'bow' of your home to the front of the 'space'. The '2' shows the 'space' is the first compartment to the port of the centerline of your home. If the centerline of your home passes through the compartment, the space would be numbered '0'. The 'L' indicates the space is a living space.

Your basement immediately below the above space is marked 2-xx-xx.

Each one of your rooms in your house will have to have a battle lantern that comes on when house power is lost.

Every door in your home will have to be marked with a 'X', 'Y', or 'Z'.

'X' doors must be closed at all times. 'Y' doors must be closed when underway or at night in port. 'Z' doors must be closed during general quarters.

P.S. In your bathroom, put a privacy stall around the ****ter. Make it so small that you have to stand on the commode to close the door for privacy.
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Old 04-18-2017, 12:45 PM
 
3,055 posts, read 902,572 times
Reputation: 5583
It makes this 2 year Navy draftee glad that I never got to experience sea duty.
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Old 04-18-2017, 01:25 PM
 
Location: Londonderry, NH
40,168 posts, read 43,802,135 times
Reputation: 23265
Now all that is perfectly true. He did not exaggerate one bit. I still have the scar from hitting my head on a hatch combing. Try staying warm on a DE on the Grand Banks off Canada in a Winter storm.


Then wind up in 'Nam where your learn to be an infantryman using on the job training. At least the little plastic boats were green but the blood was bright red. I have some fantastic memories as well as PTSD from being a River Rat.
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Old 04-18-2017, 03:42 PM
 
9,641 posts, read 9,378,368 times
Reputation: 12847
Maybe I missed it, but; where is the "assign an area of the house to each family member and have them clean it for three hours straight, once a week."
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Old 04-18-2017, 08:02 PM
 
Location: Forests of Maine
26,952 posts, read 41,803,999 times
Reputation: 13639
Lock yourself inside your house, no windows, no phone, no TV, no females, no mail, for 90 days.

After that wait 90 days and do it again.

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Old 04-18-2017, 10:19 PM
 
Location: Wasilla, AK
2,430 posts, read 1,158,674 times
Reputation: 4132
Quote:
Originally Posted by Submariner View Post
Lock yourself inside your house, no windows, no phone, no TV, no females, no mail, for 90 days.

After that wait 90 days and do it again.

There are females on today's subs!
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Old 04-24-2017, 09:59 AM
Status: "Have you ever seen so many Indians? - G.A. Custer" (set 27 days ago)
 
Location: Bel Air, California
16,797 posts, read 16,200,014 times
Reputation: 25076
take your bags of garbage and throw them into the nearest water you can find
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Old 04-24-2017, 11:16 AM
 
Location: NE Mississippi
7,155 posts, read 5,008,309 times
Reputation: 12068
Quote:
Originally Posted by GregW View Post
Now all that is perfectly true. He did not exaggerate one bit. I still have the scar from hitting my head on a hatch combing. Try staying warm on a DE on the Grand Banks off Canada in a Winter storm.


Then wind up in 'Nam where your learn to be an infantryman using on the job training. At least the little plastic boats were green but the blood was bright red. I have some fantastic memories as well as PTSD from being a River Rat.
It took a few tries, but after a while you master that technique of lifting one foot and ducking your head as you run through those water tight doors. Shins and foreheads were a common casualty, right?

I was in the brown water navy, also. There was no real training. Just get out and do the best you can. I boarded junks in 68 during the Tet Offensive. Still have my black beret with the Junk Force insignia on it.

I loved my 9 years active duty.
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Old 04-24-2017, 12:09 PM
 
Location: Southern California
394 posts, read 417,820 times
Reputation: 924
Wildly entertaining thread! Had a couple of cousins in the Navy and each point has a familiar ring of truth to it. My favorites are #39, #12, #13, and all the rest. This needs to be shared with the world. Hilarious!
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Old Yesterday, 05:08 PM
 
8,137 posts, read 6,316,835 times
Reputation: 4504
I wondering how that's going to work out. What could possibly go wrong.

Quote:
Originally Posted by AlaskaErik View Post
There are females on today's subs!
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