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Old 12-26-2017, 09:55 PM
 
Location: middle tennessee
1,810 posts, read 826,890 times
Reputation: 6470

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I lived for 20 years, twenty PRIME years from 40-60, with my husband in a town I hated more every year. I tried the first few years because I thought it was something that could be fixed. It couldn't be fixed.


It contributed to the ruin of my health and my feelings for my husband. He died when I was 60. I was and still am sometimes very bitter.
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Old 12-26-2017, 11:46 PM
 
7,028 posts, read 3,637,281 times
Reputation: 8319
Quote:
Originally Posted by LadyGamer42 View Post


So now I am the most miserable I have ever been in ANY place we have moved.

I love my hubby but I am really starting to resent him because I feel like I had given up so much already when he was in the military, and now I was forced to give up again for him?

I tell him my concerns but he just gets mad and it starts a fight.
May I suggest that your question/problem really isn't a moving issue, but rather a relationship issue?

You and your husband have both been through a lot of major changes and stresses in the last three years, and sometimes that just puts a wrench in a couple's ability to HEAR and respond to what each person in the relationship needs and wants.

I know that when my husband retired from the military, he went through a period where he became a sort of bulldog about making decisions for us; he'd lost a piece of who he was the day he retired, and jumping in and making "command decisions" for us gave him a sense of control (but drove me bonkers!) until he found his footing with civilian life.

Frankly, the "unbiased opinions" of strangers on the internet probably aren't going to give you the help you need. We're only hearing one side of the story, and, to fix this, you need help from someone who can understand how both sides of the story have led you and your husband to this point.

From what you've described, it sounds like you and your husband might benefit from some short term couples counseling. A few sessions with a professional marriage and family counselor may help you and your husband get back on track so that you can start working as partners again, instead of going in different directions as you appear to be doing now. They may also be able to help you both develop more effective communication skills (most spouses can use a tune up on that from time to time!).

If your husband won't agree to go with you to counseling, go yourself. It'll give you a safe place to work out how you want to approach the situation you've found yourself in.

Don't put this off; life is way too short to be walking around miserable, resentful, and angry with the person you love.

Hugs and best wishes!

Last edited by RosieSD; 12-27-2017 at 12:25 AM..
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Old 12-27-2017, 05:38 AM
 
Location: Central Massachusetts
4,661 posts, read 4,412,628 times
Reputation: 5882
Quote:
Originally Posted by LadyGamer42 View Post
Thank you for the insightful reply. I guess I just want to feel like I am justified a little in my thinking that I am not just being a terrible wife for feeling like throwing up my hands. I wanted a outside, unbiased opinion. I honestly feel duped by him. I can't talk to him because he just gets mad, tells me I am just looking for reasons to leave him, and says I am being unreasonable. He says I was the one who wanted to move to this state in the first place. It's not like I had much of a choice in the matter, this state or other worse state where his job offer was not even concrete so we might have had to move anyway? Plus, I feel like I have already lost so much of my life waiting patiently for him to retire from the military so we could finally make a choice where we lived TOGETHER. It is not like I am young anymore either, so I feel my options are running out!

You are entitled to feel the way you do. As a career soldier myself I know how he feels and because I am married to the love of my life I am certain that with some gentle guidance and coaching you both can get on the same sheet of music. Like RosieSD, Mr Retired and Threestep all said you are not alone in this. Somehow this must be conveyed to your husband. It will only get worse if you let it fester.

Find a counselor and hopefully begin the process. Short of that take the time to visit your son as often as you can. I know this is all been through your mind but it is the best way. Good luck and best wishes in the coming New Year.
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Old 12-27-2017, 07:39 AM
 
Location: Port Charlotte FL
905 posts, read 507,175 times
Reputation: 2450
life is too short to be with to be with someone that makes you miserable no matter the reason..
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Old 12-27-2017, 08:09 AM
 
Location: Location: Location
6,172 posts, read 7,314,094 times
Reputation: 17686
It sounds to me like your husband is also unhappy and when you tell him that you don't like where you are, he turns it back on you. Maybe he misses the structure of the military. Maybe he knows he made the wrong choice.

If that's not the case, then he's just a garden-variety bully.

When he accuses you of looking for reason to leave him, tell him you don't have to look - you already have several.
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Old 12-27-2017, 08:27 AM
 
275 posts, read 124,490 times
Reputation: 414
I couldn't really follow it - I know, I'm an idiot. But there was something about a big 'city' that wasn't a city and an ugly city in a state that........and it went on from there. Good luck. But if you use paragraph separators, it would be easier for dopes like me to read.
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Old 12-27-2017, 08:53 AM
 
Location: Middle of the ocean
26,810 posts, read 17,234,614 times
Reputation: 38921
What stands out to me is..... lack of teamwork. He tells you pick from two states, he tells you get a job in the city, and then tells you no, we are living in a different town, quit your job....

Usually these types of decisions are discussed in advance by both parties and decided on jointly. Sure, if a job can ONLY be found in one location that makes it different, but doesn't sound like the case here.

I guess I do not understand the marriage dynamic.
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Old 12-27-2017, 09:12 AM
 
5,219 posts, read 3,233,146 times
Reputation: 19689
Quote:
Originally Posted by Mikala43 View Post
What stands out to me is..... lack of teamwork. He tells you pick from two states, he tells you get a job in the city, and then tells you no, we are living in a different town, quit your job....

Usually these types of decisions are discussed in advance by both parties and decided on jointly. Sure, if a job can ONLY be found in one location that makes it different, but doesn't sound like the case here.

I guess I do not understand the marriage dynamic.
That's because it isn't a marriage dynamic. It's a command structure.
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Old 12-27-2017, 09:53 AM
 
Location: West Coast U.S.A.
379 posts, read 139,589 times
Reputation: 701
Quote:
Originally Posted by LadyGamer42 View Post
Thank you for the insightful reply. I guess I just want to feel like I am justified a little in my thinking that I am not just being a terrible wife for feeling like throwing up my hands. I wanted a outside, unbiased opinion. I honestly feel duped by him. I can't talk to him because he just gets mad, tells me I am just looking for reasons to leave him, and says I am being unreasonable. He says I was the one who wanted to move to this state in the first place. It's not like I had much of a choice in the matter, this state or other worse state where his job offer was not even concrete so we might have had to move anyway? Plus, I feel like I have already lost so much of my life waiting patiently for him to retire from the military so we could finally make a choice where we lived TOGETHER. It is not like I am young anymore either, so I feel my options are running out!
Yes, you're completely justified in your complaint. He forgot to consider your needs and didn't give you any real choice in where you two would live and he expected you to quit your job to accommodate him, which is looking bad on your employment record. Time to get somebody else involved to point out to him what he'd doing--that is, if he will agree. Good luck, LadyGamer. Hope things improve soon.
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Old 12-27-2017, 10:40 AM
 
Location: colorado springs, CO
3,868 posts, read 1,693,445 times
Reputation: 13303
Quote:
Originally Posted by newcomputer View Post
I lived for 20 years, twenty PRIME years from 40-60, with my husband in a town I hated more every year. I tried the first few years because I thought it was something that could be fixed. It couldn't be fixed.


It contributed to the ruin of my health and my feelings for my husband. He died when I was 60. I was and still am sometimes very bitter.
The bolded. That is very important because we don't get do-overs in life. What you can do in the decade between the ages of 41-51 will be much different than what can be done between 61-71.
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