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Old 12-27-2017, 09:44 PM
975 posts, read 357,760 times
Reputation: 2276


Originally Posted by newcomputer View Post
I lived for 20 years, twenty PRIME years from 40-60, with my husband in a town I hated more every year. I tried the first few years because I thought it was something that could be fixed. It couldn't be fixed.

It contributed to the ruin of my health and my feelings for my husband. He died when I was 60. I was and still am sometimes very bitter.
This is the future of resentment so deal with this now or your life will be sucked out of you. It's tuff to be sure but you must act now to salvage any hope of a happy life. Good luck!
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Old 12-27-2017, 11:33 PM
Location: Wasilla, AK
5,948 posts, read 3,188,769 times
Reputation: 12002
Originally Posted by fluffythewondercat View Post
That's because it isn't a marriage dynamic. It's a command structure.
This is probably the most accurate description yet.
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Old 12-28-2017, 01:23 AM
Location: Las Vegas, NV.
673 posts, read 239,595 times
Reputation: 734
Originally Posted by fluffythewondercat View Post

<<That's because it isn't a marriage dynamic. It's a command structure. >>

<<This is probably the most accurate description yet.>>

Because he was commanded his whole life he never learned gentleness and consideration in the Military. Compartmentalize and go on like nothing happened is what they are brilliant at doing. Everything is a new chapter for them. They don't have the emotions on their surface for how a woman may feel. I wish to God, I didn't like Military men because nearly any woman with one will tell you it is a hard - hard life.
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Old 12-28-2017, 05:16 AM
Status: "I kept my promise, please keep your distance" (set 1 day ago)
Location: 11235
1,560 posts, read 485,433 times
Reputation: 2997
Unfortunately, you bought a home where you are. It doesn't sound like the kind of place where quick turn over with a profit is feasible if you put it on the market again.

The military can explain his behavior, but also, so can the knowledge that he maybe made a mistake, at least, as far as it being a place that his wife is happy to live in.

After I vented, I would try to get more involved with this place. First, I would make my home a place that I enjoyed. A refuge/sanctuary. A place in this town I hate, that I don't hate. Second, I would get out in the community and try to become involved. EVERYONE cannot be a drug addict in an over-priced town. Many small communities are 'closed' to outsiders at first. It takes time and energy to worm your way into their hearts, but its not impossible.

Third, and most important, I would look at my own mindset. I didn't get what I wanted when my husband retired. How often in life have I gotten what I wanted? Can I get over this disappointment, roll with life's punches, and make the best of what I view as a bad situation? Can 'we' get away on weekends and holidays to regain what I perceive to be a loss in our lives?

Things to look forward to together can make all the difference in the world. And, if you have to - calmly tell him, "I need something to look forward to with you. Maybe I could learn to be happy if you would help me with that." It seems to me that getting a cabin or mooring a boat on one of the good fishing lakes might be the answer. A place to escape to together.
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Old 12-28-2017, 05:36 AM
Location: St Augustine
238 posts, read 286,877 times
Reputation: 376
I feel for you, I really do. I was married when I was in the Army and moving around. My ex was an x-ray tech so she could find a job everywhere we went. When I got out of the Army, we decided to go where she wanted to since she gave up basically everything while I was serving.

I would like to say it worked out for us but in reality it did not. We both enjoyed the new area but we just went separate ways.

You really need to sit down with your husband and tell him how you feel or else you may end up resenting him more and more and eventually lead to a divorce. If all he wants to do is fight then see a counselor or see a divorce attorney.

Good luck OP
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Old 12-28-2017, 06:15 AM
15,844 posts, read 18,508,907 times
Reputation: 25629
Originally Posted by Angry-Koala View Post
Yes, you're completely justified in your complaint. He forgot to consider your needs and didn't give you any real choice in where you two would live and he expected you to quit your job to accommodate him, which is looking bad on your employment record. Time to get somebody else involved to point out to him what he'd doing--that is, if he will agree. Good luck, LadyGamer. Hope things improve soon.
I re-read the OP because I honestly feel like your husband's anger comes from your not speaking up about this last move until now.

I believe what you have written, but I believe there has been a lot left out in your timeline.
It is all a bit convoluted and there are obviously missing pieces to your description of what happened. The time to explore his job options in this "city" was before you all moved there, not after you rent a place (lease?) and find a job.....then he finds one?

Obviously there was some time for you to discuss your concerns prior to buying a home, and prior to his looking for a job outside of the city you initially moved to. Your husband may be feeling overwhelmed by your obvious angst about hating where you live because now you have borrowed money to buy a home there, and he took a job....And now you hate it there??

I agree with others regarding the lack of communication in your marriage but I don't believe it all falls on your husband.....I believe it is on you too. Not voicing your concerns in a timely manner prior to making all these life changing decisions would look like agreement to most folks, and now you resent him for assuming you were going along with this....But, you did go along with this.

I understand that you aren't satisfied....but I also think that your not clearly communicating what you want when it is up for discussion is a big part of the problem. I agree that marriage counselling is imperative to break the patterns that you've described. This lack of communication pattern will negatively affect your marriage no matter the geography.

And, part of me wants to remind you that when he was in the military, neither of you planned your moves.....not even the logistics, the military did it all. So neither of you are really experienced in this type major move. Go easy on yourselves and perhaps this can be a learning experience when all is said and done. It sounds like selling your home won't be so hard in a high demand area.

ETA, re your nursing career....Have you ever looked into travel nursing? It would get you away for days or weeks at a time...give you the income you need and home might look pretty good after being on the road.

Last edited by JanND; 12-28-2017 at 06:31 AM.. Reason: rewrite
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Old 12-28-2017, 07:52 AM
Location: Wisconsin
16,514 posts, read 16,001,127 times
Reputation: 38965
Originally Posted by fluffythewondercat View Post
I think it's possible the OP didn't want the thread derailed by people exclaiming, "Oh, you don't like Pleasantville? It's a WONDERFUL town! What's not to like? You're just not TRYING hard enough!"

...when the point of the thread is not the location but her DH's disregard for how his unilateral decisions affect her career and happiness.
I agree with both points. Pleasantville my be the perfect town for some people but a living hell for others.
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Old 12-28-2017, 11:11 AM
Location: S.W. Florida
1,708 posts, read 675,758 times
Reputation: 4665
Originally Posted by LadyGamer42 View Post
Thank you for the insightful reply. I guess I just want to feel like I am justified a little in my thinking that I am not just being a terrible wife for feeling like throwing up my hands. I wanted a outside, unbiased opinion. I honestly feel duped by him. I can't talk to him because he just gets mad, tells me I am just looking for reasons to leave him, and says I am being unreasonable. He says I was the one who wanted to move to this state in the first place. It's not like I had much of a choice in the matter, this state or other worse state where his job offer was not even concrete so we might have had to move anyway? Plus, I feel like I have already lost so much of my life waiting patiently for him to retire from the military so we could finally make a choice where we lived TOGETHER. It is not like I am young anymore either, so I feel my options are running out!
Forgive me if I come across as a little abrupt here, but your husband sounds like a very selfish and spoiled brat. The fact that he gave you such limited options on where to move seems to me to hardly be a compromise, much less a consensus decision between husband and wife.

The way I see it, you have sacrificed a lot being married to a military man, and now you’re the one still doing all the sacrificing. Talk about one sided.

All of this leads me to conclude that you are in a very difficult if not impossible spot. The question then becomes how much misery can you stand before you pack up and tell him you’re through making all the sacrifices?

Personally, I would try to get him to go to counseling, though I really doubt he would agree to do so because in his mind he’s done nothing wrong. I truly wish you the best going forward.
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Old 12-28-2017, 01:43 PM
5,106 posts, read 6,084,524 times
Reputation: 9677
After re- reading your OP I am less sure of your original situation and your husband's offering you the choice of two states.

Is it that the two states and the two cities are the only places where he found a job post retirement?

It is really difficult to get employment especially for an older person and especially for a retired person. And we in the military often don't quite get the importance of networking prior and who you know for job !eads so we fail to plan ahead to that first retirement job. So was it a case that these limited options were all he had to offer you?

If so, agree that he comes across as demanding and controlling but if that is all the options HE had to offer and he is expected to be the main breadwinner then there is some understanding as to why he wants to stick with the bird in hand rather than scour the bushes again. So you two have to work it out from that perspective.

Is it that he picked the two states on his own without your input?

If so, you have a whole different situation to work through. Either way, counseling and communication skills training might be helpful.

My husband had a rough post retirement job transition and it did not work out for us. In the end it was a large contribution to the end of our 24± year marriage. So others have been there

Good luck
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Old 12-28-2017, 02:40 PM
Location: Middle of the ocean
27,745 posts, read 17,744,599 times
Reputation: 40167
Do you and your husband enjoy spending time together? To me, if a marriage is good, location doesn't matter as much, especially if it is a stepping stone to something more enjoyable for the both of you. I would think that you could find things to do that are fun, even if they are not the first choice.

Which makes me thing the problem isn't moving or the location, it's the marriage. Your husband made the comment that you were looking for a reason to leave him.

Is there truth in that?
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