Moving after husbands retirement, now stuck somewhere I hate! (counselor, military, request)
Please register to participate in our discussions with 2 million other members - it's free and quick! Some forums can only be seen by registered members. After you create your account, you'll be able to customize options and access all our 15,000 new posts/day with fewer ads.
Sorry if this is long! I posted this in the moving forum too but got no replies
I have been married to my husband for quite awhile and every three years we have moved due to his career in the military. We have moved either 6 or 7 times since we have been married, I have lost count honestly I love my husband dearly and tried to make the best of moving with the hope that when he was retired we could move to a place where we would both enjoy. I tried to keep myself busy with picking up hobbies in these states where we had moved (i.e. fishing, hunting, horses, etc). My hubby enjoys these hobbies and I found that I quite enjoyed these hobbies as well, except for the horses part which is just too expensive for our budgets.
Well, low and behold my hubby retired and pretty much gave me the choice between two states, neither of where I really wanted to live. One being close to my oldest son and his family, and the other being in a pretty state but in a town where I know I would hate (and possibly him too). Also, the job being offered there to him in the pretty state wasn't set in stone so there could have been a large chance we would have had to move again anyway? I told him it would probably be best to move to the state where his family and my son where if that was my only other choice. We moved to the town (which is a big city with not much of the hobbies we both enjoy but plenty of job opportunities and things to do otherwise, plus being close to my oldest). My hubby tells me to find a rental for the short term so we could both establish jobs before buying a house (a reasonable request).
Here's the problem, my hubby ends up getting a job in a town that is not only the most EXPENSIVE "city" in the state (not in the original city we both agreed on) but the most remote (i.e. NOTHING to do). Once again, I had to quit the job I had got in the big city (which I enjoyed) and move again. I put "city" in quotations because it is so small it hardly seems to qualify. I don't understand why the town is expensive as it is dirty with one little mountain to look at? I absolutely HATE this new town for numerous reasons. There is absolutely NOTHING here to do, save maybe hiking which I don't really enjoy at all. No good fishing (no rivers at all nearby and fishable lakes are miles and miles away), no hunting, and worst of all NO JOBS for me. The economy in this town is horrific compared to the cost of living, and jobs are in short supply even for nurses. We had to purchase a house with help from his parents because there is no way we could have afforded it otherwise. If we had purchased a house in our price range without help, we would have been living in the horrible part of town, for a town this small it is full of vagrants and drug addicts. I knew I had to get a job here because we would not be able to survive without my income, so I settled for a job that I hate just to have one. On a side note, I am a nurse and have also had to switch jobs so much while he was in the military that I have what is considered a "negative" work history and I was starting to find it harder and harder to find a job. His job is a city job but the turnover rate is high (which is probably why he got the job in the first place) because the city refuses to pay a adequate rate so that one can afford to live in this overpriced city.
So now I am the most miserable I have ever been in ANY place we have moved. I am no longer close to my son (this town is 2 and a half hours one way to get to him and that is IF nothing happens on the highway to impede traffic flow) and I have no hobbies to keep me busy other than my hated job. I don't know what to do, I love my hubby but I am really starting to resent him because I feel like I had given up so much already when he was in the military, and now I was forced to give up again for him? I tell him my concerns but he just gets mad and it starts a fight. He insists he is never moving again even though he knows I am miserable. I am hoping someone can give me advice because I don't know what to do otherwise!
I prefer not to state the city. I will tell you that hunting privileges are on a "lottery" system in the entire state and the lake that is closest to town is terrible fishing. If I want to go to good lakes or a river I would have to make it a day trip or more.
You need to find a way to discuss this with your DH. He probably gets mad because he KNOWS you are miserable and either doesn't care (his needs come first) or doesn't have a clue what to do about it. When EVERYTHING is a problem, it seems impossible to start anywhere. An impartial person (who has no "side" or anything to gain) like a family counselor can help change the dialogue so you don't just end up repeating the same useless arguments. Since his career/needs have usually come first and he has what he thinks he wants, he may not see any reason to change anything. You have caved to his wants over and over. The end result is that you resent him over everything whether its deserved or not (some circumstances about the job may have been beyond his control or choice). That's no way to live with someone. A counselor can help you both figure out what is most important, what is tolerable, negotiable, why both of you deserve to be respected, and what is not.
Last edited by Parnassia; 12-26-2017 at 03:15 PM..
Thank you for the insightful reply. I guess I just want to feel like I am justified a little in my thinking that I am not just being a terrible wife for feeling like throwing up my hands. I wanted a outside, unbiased opinion. I honestly feel duped by him. I can't talk to him because he just gets mad, tells me I am just looking for reasons to leave him, and says I am being unreasonable. He says I was the one who wanted to move to this state in the first place. It's not like I had much of a choice in the matter, this state or other worse state where his job offer was not even concrete so we might have had to move anyway? Plus, I feel like I have already lost so much of my life waiting patiently for him to retire from the military so we could finally make a choice where we lived TOGETHER. It is not like I am young anymore either, so I feel my options are running out!
We moved 16 times, 3 continents, by now we are on house #6 (never lost the momentum of 'curtains on the windows = time to move).
It sounds like you want to vent. More power to you!
You do not give enough information on your situation - his job and qualifications, your qualifications (nurse is rather generic).
You make it sound like he makes decisions and "tells" you. Have the two of you sat down, run numbers and options? In a lot of US states hunting/fishing is a rather privileged sport unless you own enough property and finding out about that is easy. Try non US for giggles or in my case Ok.
As you post - you have the feeling your clock is ticking; it is your turn. Were you waiting for him or were you moving with him?
Your resume is a no-brained on the HR side - military spouse, now retired, sabbatical for family reasons aka child unless you have some unexplainable gaps.
You are not a bad person for feeling the way you do. It's is perfectly O.K.
Since he retired from the military it would have been nice if he could have stayed home so you can both do things together.That's why it's called retirement. I can understand his thinking of being a good provider and thinking for both your future but this is coming at a cost .Your misery. Can you both afford if he took on a part time job? Run that by him. If he has to keep busy I understand.
My suggestion then would be: Take a road trip to see your son. 2 hours on the road after a few trips feels like nothing. Just make sure you have Triple AAA ,a GPS and a cellphone and you should be ok. Maybe a stay over for 2 days a week.If that is OK with your son, of course. Just to clear the cob webs.
If it works out then great. If it don't try getting involved by reaching out to the local community board or house of worship and ask about volunteering; could be even at a hospital,nursing home, pet shelter.... but something that you really feel passionate of doing.
Bottom Line for the sake of your sanity:
You need to have a connection with something the same way your husband has a connection with work.
Doesn't that sound fair enough to you?
Hope this helps.
My suggestion then would be: Take a road trip to see your son. 2 hours on the road after a few trips feels like nothing. Just make sure you have Triple AAA ,a GPS and a cellphone and you should be ok. Maybe a stay over for 2 days a week.If that is OK with your son, of course. Just to clear the cob webs.
If it works out then great. If it don't try getting involved by reaching out to the local community board or house of worship and ask about volunteering; could be even at a hospital,nursing home, pet shelter.... but something that you really feel passionate of doing.
She's got a JOB, she can't just take off. They need her income.
I can't think of anything WORSE than being stuck in a place one hates with a spouse who turns a deaf ear.
OP, you have a right to be heard. Involve a marriage counselor if you have to.
Last edited by fluffythewondercat; 12-26-2017 at 06:30 PM..
I’m sorry OP, I don’t even have any great advice; I just wanted to tell you your feelings are not unreasonable at all.
I have one of those too. Meaning, one of those that gets mad & defensive every time I stand up for myself. Since he’s not stupid, I have to believe he does this because he knows he’s wrong, vs doing it because he thinks he’s sooo right.
And that resentment, unfortunately, will continue to build. You are past the point of no return; you will not be able to “un-resent” him unless he wakes up & decides to accommodate you. How dare he “give you two choices”! Like they were his to give? Marriage is supposed to be a give & take; he’s been doing all the taking & none of the giving!
You haven’t been given any choices, anyway. What you have been given, is ultimatums.
I prefer not to state the city. I will tell you that hunting privileges are on a "lottery" system in the entire state and the lake that is closest to town is terrible fishing. If I want to go to good lakes or a river I would have to make it a day trip or more.
Ok, can't help you then. I know guides across the states but if your mind is made up good luck then.
Please register to post and access all features of our very popular forum. It is free and quick. Over $68,000 in prizes has already been given out to active posters on our forum. Additional giveaways are planned.
Detailed information about all U.S. cities, counties, and zip codes on our site: City-data.com.
Please register to participate in our discussions with 2 million other members - it's free and quick! Some forums can only be seen by registered members. After you create your account, you'll be able to customize options and access all our 15,000 new posts/day with fewer ads.
