Please register to participate in our discussions with 2 million other members - it's free and quick! Some forums can only be seen by registered members. After you create your account, you'll be able to customize options and access all our 15,000 new posts/day with fewer ads.
What do you do to fend off depression when your military man or woman deploys? I've been with my boyfriend for 18 months, I met him right after he came back from his last tour to Iraq. He is career military, and he left this week for another tour, and even though I knew this was coming up, and tried to mentally prepare for it, I'm still feeling a crushing sense of empty sadness at his absence. I've tried to keep busy with work and friends this week, but it's not helping.
I certainly can't turn to drugs or alcohol or cheating to distract myself, as that's just not the kind of person I am, so what do the rest of you do to keep yourself upbeat when it seems like you'll never see or hold your loved one again? I don't have any friends that have military family, so I don't have anyone that knows how it feels to really hold my hand through this.
While growing up, some phrases I heard sometimes seemed ridiculous or just stupid, like "Absence makes the heart grow fonder". But as I've aged, it makes more sense. Becoming accustomed to separations was a growing up process. 22 years in the Army and my wife of 41 years I look back at some of the separations. For me, my duties kept me pretty busy, a variety of hobbies helped, like photography, oil painting, reading, volunteering for charities even building model airplanes and kites....
I enlisted in the reserve so I can be done with college...and to know how things work in here. Not to mention it was a childhood dream (that I left behind when I finished high school and regretted during college).
My monthly drills (I am in the Naval Air Reserve, and I get to work with airplanes), my classes, and my odd jobs (I repair computers to other shipmates for cheap) keeps me busy.
That's so true!
As an army brat, a navy wife, and a fellow sailor as well, I totally agree with those words.
When my dad came from those horrendous deployments, I jumped to him, and these days, when my hubby (I'm reservist, and I don't get to go AD in a few more years) comes back home from underway or deployment, we run to each other in tears of joy, and it feels like the first time.
While growing up, some phrases I heard sometimes seemed ridiculous or just stupid, like "Absence makes the heart grow fonder".
I think that's the thing I fear the second-most, that he will come back, but not come back to me. Biggest fear of course is that he comes back in a box.
Yeah, I'm going to disagree with the absence-fonder concept. I don't think absence makes the heart grow fonder - after 12 yrs of this lifestyle, it does not. Maybe before I had kids, but now absence makes mom POed when she has to do more than she humanly can and then everyone gets a stomach flu at the same time and Dad calls from his lovely tdy and says - oh I can't talk b/c we are all about to go out to dinner and watch the game.
I went from lonely and too much time on my hands to overwhelmed with all of the responsibilities.
I think the absence also requires that you reconnect each time and get to know each other again because you each have grown and changed, even just a little bit, and you have to take that in. It takes an effort to try to stay connected.
I have no magic formula - I just cling by my fingernails and scrape through one day at a time. You know the whole "just keep putting one foot in front of the other", "this too shall pass" method.
Yeah, I'm going to disagree with the absence-fonder concept. I don't think absence makes the heart grow fonder - after 12 yrs of this lifestyle, it does not. Maybe before I had kids, but now absence makes mom POed when she has to do more than she humanly can and then everyone gets a stomach flu at the same time and Dad calls from his lovely tdy and says - oh I can't talk b/c we are all about to go out to dinner and watch the game.
I went from lonely and too much time on my hands to overwhelmed with all of the responsibilities.
I think the absence also requires that you reconnect each time and get to know each other again because you each have grown and changed, even just a little bit, and you have to take that in. It takes an effort to try to stay connected.
I have no magic formula - I just cling by my fingernails and scrape through one day at a time. You know the whole "just keep putting one foot in front of the other", "this too shall pass" method.
I'm lucky in that respect. My children are adults, and I have only myself to look after while my man is gone.
I'm another who disagrees with "absence makes the heart grow fonder". My husband and I had been married less than 6 months when he left on a 15 month deployment. Those were the hardest 15 months of my life. I tried to stave off the depression, but was not very successful. I was terrified that something would have changed while he was gone. He returned home this past December, and all my worries faded away as soon as I was back in his arms.
I'm another who disagrees with "absence makes the heart grow fonder". My husband and I had been married less than 6 months when he left on a 15 month deployment. Those were the hardest 15 months of my life. I tried to stave off the depression, but was not very successful. I was terrified that something would have changed while he was gone. He returned home this past December, and all my worries faded away as soon as I was back in his arms.
I'm desperately trying to fight it off, and it hasn't even been a week yet. I'm already sleeping too much and I'm having to force myself to do things like cleaning the house. It's not that I'm alone -- I was alone for a long time before I met him and I was okay with it. I'm quite capable of taking care of myself. It's that I miss him so much and it seems like forever until I'll be able to see him again. He'd be disappointed in me if I let myself allow the depression to take over, so of course I can't do that. But it really hurts not to have him around.
It comes down to choice and attitude. You have a choice and the sooner you realize that the better off you'll be and the better support you can be to your boyfriend.
I have met many of spouses over the years who wallow in self-pity, who make every little insignificant problem into something larger and whine, who return to their hometowns to be 'taken care of' by their parents while their husband is away...among other things. I wonder to myself what are these spouses learning about life? about themselves? They all rationalize it with they need to do whatever it takes to 'get through it'. I also am a military spouse though who thinks its absolute ridiculousness to even entertain the idea that the 'hardest job in the military' is a spouse. What utter crap. Those who deploy have it the toughest, not us lucky ones who get to stay at home in our warm little beds with just the dull ache of loneliness for months on end. They hardly compare.
It all is a choice. It is exhausting to be depressed and negative every day and it sounds like you've experienced a little of that already. When my spouse is gone I want to thrive not just "survive" each day. What a waste of a life to just wait and be sad until he returns! This is not saying that there won't be many hard and long days during deployment but what often brings me peace is that you're supporting something larger than yourself. There is so much to be grateful for and focusing on some of that helps me to get a little healthy dose of perspective.
You said he'd be disappointed if you let depression take over...then don't allow it to. Sometimes that involves mentally talking yourself out of it LOL. Everyday get up and do something positive. Be thankful for what you have, be thankful in every circumstance. Turn the time separated into something beneficial. I know this all sounds like the same rhetoric you might have heard but it works. I won't go into details but try thinking of others who've gone before and you begin to realize you aren't someone who even comes close to having it 'the worst'. It DOES hurt and ache to not have them here w/us. I KNOW that. I feel it every day myself (husband is currently gone too) but its not forever it just sometimes feels like it. Get perspective on your life and realize that there are a whole bunch of spouses out there and families mourning the loss of their loved ones. You are Blessed to have your boyfriend in your life! Enjoy it! He may not physically be there w/you, but he is WITH you!!
Oh and another thing that helps mentally? running. If you aren't a runner-start. Besides the mental benefit, you'll look pretty hot when he gets back home
Please register to post and access all features of our very popular forum. It is free and quick. Over $68,000 in prizes has already been given out to active posters on our forum. Additional giveaways are planned.
Detailed information about all U.S. cities, counties, and zip codes on our site: City-data.com.
Please register to participate in our discussions with 2 million other members - it's free and quick! Some forums can only be seen by registered members. After you create your account, you'll be able to customize options and access all our 15,000 new posts/day with fewer ads.
