Making friends in the Twin Cities (Minneapolis: transplants, college, living in)

[Aylalou]

I've been in the Twin Cities since the 1970s, have raised a family, and I still find it hard to break through and God knows, I've tried. There is a complacence among Minnesotans that demonstrates itself in a friendly indifference with no desire to extend or increase their social circles. They are polite, will respond if you initiate, but there is a definite lack. I have joined meetup.com in order to meet people and make friends because there is a dearth of connection among Minnesotans. It's much easier to form friendships with non-natives. Generally speaking ,Minnesotans are closed off, lack warmth, and just don't seem to be too interested and lacking a curiosity in other people. You can start up a conversation with them and they will answer you, but, for the most part, you have to do all the work and to what end? If you invite them over, they may or may not show up. They're not outgoing and don't reach out. Sometimes it seems to me that I am talking to the lifeless. I know this sounds harsh but that is the main reason I am relocating to the Pacific NW if all goes well.

[Isabel_009]

Thanks for your input. I am interested in the arts, hence my desire to volunteer at the Walker Art Center or MIA, but my field is psychology! I just want to branch out a bit...I imagine that I will make friends in my program, but I hope to make friends outside of it as well.

Originally Posted by Latchkey Kid

I moved to Minneapolis also to attend grad school several years ago. I'm also older. I find that many grad students who move here, including myself, don't understand the Minnesota Nice thing either and have found it difficult to make friends from here. I have many 'acquaintances' from MN but that's about as far as it goes.

On the other hand, some of my best friends now are from grad school -- all from other states or other countries. We have very small cohorts in my department so they come from various cohorts that proceeded me. But cultures vary from department to department. While my friends are from the university, a lot of us live in neighborhoods that are away from the large student populations so you feel less like your life revolves around school. But even so, the U community is really large and varied, so I wouldn't rule that out as being a big component of your social life.

All in all, I think it's hard to imagine what graduate school is about until your actually in it. Since you are interested at volunteering at the MIA, I am wondering what discipline you are going into?

[Isabel_009]

I am wondering what people mean when they say that Minnesotans are more "reserved" or "complacent". Specifically, I'm wondering if people with experience might care to compare Minnesotans to Canadians, because Canadians tend to be less effusively friendly than some Americans, and in general Canadians tend to think that Americans are more friendly/less reserved than themselves. This just got me thinking that perhaps I will be right at home because I might find Minnesotans to be comparably reserved to Canadians...

Originally Posted by Aylalou

I've been in the Twin Cities since the 1970s, have raised a family, and I still find it hard to break through and God knows, I've tried. There is a complacence among Minnesotans that demonstrates itself in a friendly indifference with no desire to extend or increase their social circles. They are polite, will respond if you initiate, but there is a definite lack. I have joined meetup.com in order to meet people and make friends because there is a dearth of connection among Minnesotans. It's much easier to form friendships with non-natives. Generally speaking ,Minnesotans are closed off, lack warmth, and just don't seem to be too interested and lacking a curiosity in other people. You can start up a conversation with them and they will answer you, but, for the most part, you have to do all the work and to what end? If you invite them over, they may or may not show up. They're not outgoing and don't reach out. Sometimes it seems to me that I am talking to the lifeless. I know this sounds harsh but that is the main reason I am relocating to the Pacific NW if all goes well.

[Aylalou]

I suppose it depends where in Canada you are. I've been to Toronto, Vancouver, Victoria and Ottawa and found Canadians very friendly and outgoing. Don't know about the population in the other landlocked provinces.

Complacent with what they have and not want or have a need to befriend strangers.

[MeeptJeep]

Wow! I'm flabberghasted (sp?) by all the comments in this post. I'm a native Minnesotan. Went to college in North Dakota. I've moved around a bit since from Cali, to western Texas to India. So I've had a good mix of being the newbie in town and trying to fit in with the locals. I really don't understand how everyone is saying Minnesotans are "nice" but closed off, especially in TC. I understand in smaller towns people can get clique-y but I wouldn't agree about Minneapolis. I went to the U of M for 1 year... Isabel--I don't know if this is the school you will be attending but I must say there is a such a mass mix of people from different races, cultures, states, etc. its amazing! I had the best time at that school. There is so much going on at the colleges besides just undergrad or grad school stuff. Tons of things to get involved in, festivals, fundraisers, theater, the list goes on and on. Besides that Minneapolis-St. Paul is an amazing city! There are always, always things going on. Check out city-pages or the Onion for different upcoming events to meet people. Go hang out in a coffee shop or bookstore. Plenty of unique intellectuals to find! I really dont agree that Minnesotans are stand-offish and I find it even more difficult to believe that its "hard" to connect and make strong bonds with people. If you are an outgoing person and willing to make that first step to say hi and start a conversation Minnesotans have open arms. From what you said about yourself I think you will have no problem connecting with others. You sound like an intelligent, outgoing, driven, and brave individual. Those are all qualities that are looked highly upon and people will definitely be excited to hang out with you and get to know you. Another great way to make friends is hit up a dance class or a gym and sign up for some classes. If you're going to school you most likely will get a gym membership to the college gym. Plenty of opportunity there. Volunteer for a food shelf or blood drive. Will you be working while you go to school? Work is another great place to meet friends. You say psychology is your thing so google "mental health volunteering" for the twin cities. There are bound to be plenty of fundraisers and other projects to partake in. Just remember if you go in with a negative attitude and a preconceived notion that people are stand-offish or won't want to be your friend then most likely you will be putting the stamp of approval on a self-fulfilled prophecy. You need to go in there positive and confident and put yourself out there. Not every person will want to be your friend, but that's life, and eventually someone will bite

Cheers &
Good Luck!

[Aylalou]

College life is different. I suppose I should have spoken to that as that is what the OP was asking, and I apologize if I veered from that aspect. I agree 100% that life at the U of M can be wonderful! My son went there and made many friends easily. You will surely make friends at college, especially the U of M as it is, I believe, the second largest university in the nation where people attend from all over the world.

[Latchkey Kid]

Yes, that is what I was saying, that there are a lot of people you will meet and make friends with thru college or the U. But that does not mean that they will be locals. MeeptJeep, if you're a local Minnesotan, then I think maybe it's difficult to understand what it is like for non-natives--I've found locals are often surprised when the topic is brought up. But it's a pretty widely-experienced and well-discussed problem. Even Minnesota Public Radio did a segment on it, so did WCCO.

[uptown_urbanist]

I'm a native Minnesotan (although have spent a third of my life living elsewhere) and still have got to agree with MeetJeep; I just don't think it's that bad. I know Minnesotans are more reserved than people from some places, and it's a high sticky/low magnet state (meaning lots of native-born MNs stay, and not a huge percentage of new people come in), but my parents didn't grow up in the state, moved to Minneapolis in their early 30s, and managed just fine to find friends. And as far as the stereotype that all of a Minnesotan's friends are going to be family or from high school, well, that hasn't been my experience in Minneapolis. And of course I am biased, but I don't think I'm a "closed off" person who lacks "curiosity" (probably veer the other way, for better or worse), "warmth," or "lifeless."

I fully acknowledge that it can be tough to meet new people after a certain age (that's been a complaint of my friends all over the place, not just in MN) and that it's tougher in some contexts than in others, but I think the problem is overblown. I also wonder if the stereotype was forged a generation ago (when there were even fewer non-Minnesotans in MN), gained traction, and now has a life of its own. I can't speak for all of MN, but Minneapolis has lots of people who have moved from other places and are looking for new friends, as well as lots of people who grew up in MN, moved away, have returned, and are also looking for new friends. Plus, of course, people who have never left who are also open to meeting new people. Don't get me wrong, I like having at least some of my family nearby, and I am still friends with some of the people I knew from high school, but how many people are really satisfied with filling their circle of friends based on a shared experience at 16?

[Latchkey Kid]

This is not about a stereotype forged a generation ago. I knew nothing about it when I moved here. This is from recent personal experiences, mine and many, many other people's. And frankly, this deflection of the problem as being a stereotype or media hype or an age thing or that we are just not trying hard enough is part of the problem. Every region has it's own culture that takes some time to adapt to. We are trying to tell you what one of the difficulties is with moving to this area. And there are too many people reporting the same experience about Minnesota for it to simply be dismissed so easily by natives. It makes it hard to connect with people if they aren't willing to even entertain that things might be different for other people just because that's not the way it is for them.

[WannaBeinBoston]

As a transplant here, I can't help but opine. The people here are very very friendly. Having lived on the coast, there is no comparison. Maybe it depends on where you've moved from but I find that knowing my neighbors magnifies why I'm still living in the Twin Cities 16 years later. While we're not "close friends" with our neighbors, there's a lot of comfort in knowing who they are and that you could at anytime reach out for assistance, etc. I know because we have. Likewise, we trade favors all the time.

This area may not lend itself to forming deep relationships. Would we like too with neighbors and others that we've met? Absolutely. But, isn't friendship fairly transient anyway? Interests and circumstances change. People hang out when they're single or DINKS, but then have kids and lifestyle changes.

Don't judge the Twin Cities based on small shortcomings. This is a great area to live. Jobs are good, income is great compared to other metro areas and savings rates are high. Schools are fantastic and as I'm come to accept, "the grass is brown on the other side too".