Meeting people in Minneapolis... (Plymouth, Mankato: student loan, house, middle school)

[pirate_lafitte]

Originally Posted by Luke81

Sounds like Central Europe... It's so easy to get laid by anyone on a night out, but finding friends is extremely hard. I was born and raised in Vienna, Austria and lived there all my live, and my friends are about the best I could ever find, but we are such an intimate group that it's hard for outsiders to fit in. I work as a teacher, and get to know a lot of fellow teachers from al over the world, but each time I try to invite one to my circle of friends, it'Äs extremely awkward, because we have so many insider-stories of how it was in high-school or last year when we were skiing... I taught for a year in London, England and Marseille, France and found both cities extremely easy to make friends, with both other newcomers and natives, although I would say my german mentality makes me a rather reserved person. I went out to a bar with a fellow teacher and would meet fun and outgoing people with whom I had a great time. But the difference is, that Austrians see teir friends as an extended family, and with many people having ancestors from Central or Northern Europe in the Twin Cities, I guess that could be the same there, and I could tell them anything, invite them for Christmas, we spend my birthday together.. That was different in France and Engand, and I guess it's that way anywhere with more outgoing cities or countries, they see their fiends as people to have fun with, but not as people to see everyday and to go through good and bad times.

I recommend you get a dog, don't know about the US, but everywhere I've ever been to dog owners (I am one ) are the friendliest people ever, and if you tell them about having a hard time finding friends, maybe you'll friends, but I agree that it's really hard in some places.

I'm scared of dogs. Not of dog lovers are friendly. As for making frineds, I tend to make friends with persons that like the same things I do. Another thing. The not having alot of close friends thing is not just a Minnesota thing. I live in Georgia and sometimes it is difficult to make close friends for the long haul unless you meet them through other friends. Even when you make friends, it takes alot to keep up because of the fast pace of Atlanta that internet doesn't always work.People are more outgoing in Atlanta, but it doesn't always mean you make alot of close friends.

[internat]

I don't find it weird people in Minneapolis are reserved and cold. The way you have described the people they seem similar to Scandinavians, particularly Swedes. Minneapolis had a greater influence than St. Paul from Swedes and Norwegians. "Minnesota nice" also seem very Swedish. Being polite and formal is not the same as being friendly. Read what QueenBee wrote in the thread http://www.city-data.com/forum/minne...t-century.html

It's actually a kind of small town mentality. Read about the Jante Law (Janteloven in Danish/Norwegian, Jantelagen in Swedish) to find out what I mean.

[sugarbeet]

internat - you are right on with Jante Law comment. There is a fair amount of modesty - or at least the idea that you are "supposed" to be modest - ingrained in us Scandinavians, even after five generations.

I had an experience a couple of years ago that helped me figure all this out. It may be helpful for those who want to understand what's going on here.

I saw an old high school classmate in my small Minnesota town. I went up to her and acted happy and excited to see her. She still lived in that town, didn't finish college, married a hometown guy and had four kids by her late 20s. I, on the other hand, had a graduate degree and was living in New York at the time.

She completely rebuffed me. I was taken aback and really thought about it. I figured out what it was - by approaching her I was "showing off" and breaking just about every Jante Law rule on the list.

It just so happend that I saw her the following year at the same hometown event. This time I didn't approach her at all. She approached me and was excited and happy to see me! We chatted and went on our way.

So I have learned the lesson that when I visit my small hometown, I never approach anyone first unless we have maintained a relationship. But I always appear friendly and open.

Call this messed up if you like, but it works. And I honestly think that most people would find this a unique and charming part of the culture if they were in a Scandinavian country, but somehow in the US we are all supposed to assimilate and act exactly the same.

[talktobrent]

midnight breeze made some great points.

I agree, people here tend to grow up and stay here, therefore you have alot of people here with social networks established in college, high school, or earlier. I'm from the cities but also made alot of friends working with people, but I also don't work in a professional office environment. If you're really desperate, and still young, I would say scope out a restaurant/bar/nightclub/hotel (where i work); see what kind of people work there, if they seem like your crowd, look into working there part time (probably a pretty big hassle if you have a good job already, but like i said, if you're desperate). People that work in the service industry are there because they like to meet people and have fun. The office zombies downtown are probably mostly worried about their families and their career, not friends.

[Brantacanadensis]

I have lived here for 13 years, and much of it has been too long. It is a very difficult to meet people, make friends. I came here at 31 and I don't believe that is too old of an age to meet new people. And, I always made many friends other places I lived - Virginia and DC. People here tend to not live anywhere else. They do have their friends from long ago and their family members, and they really feel they don't need anyone else in their lives. And, it has been the experience of those of us from the coasts that it is especially hard to fit in when you are from either coast. I don't believe, as a different person posted, that one should have to be a "joiner" to meet people: join a club, a church, some book club, etc. I did some of that around here, only to discover that many of the "joiners" knew each other from their own neighborhoods. So these "joiners" had to be a part of some kind neutral event in order to get together with each other, unlike other parts of the country where people will just meet in the course of life and invite each other over to their homes, or arrange to get together at a restaurant or something like that once in a while, or a hotel lobby sitting area to share a few drinks. It's almost as if around here people need a distraction while being with others, so to avoid some closeness with other individuals. I stopped "joining" years ago here. I figured I didn't need to join a neighborhood association to get to know my next door neighbors. The sad part is that in many Minneapolis neighborhoods, many people around here don't ever interact with their neighbors unless its at the neighborhood block party once a year in August. Then they block off their block from the other blocks, acting all smug with each other. I can't promote the cultural environment very much. Even in workplaces, many people step back a 20 feet when you approach them and put up these imaginary walls during the course of a conversation. I am very sorry I don't have the kind of job that travels well - like nursing, accounting, or something similar, so that I could just leave within the next year and move to a real friendlier place where people are interested in meeting and forming relationships - no one says you can't form friendships throughout one's lifetime, but it is far different here.

[Brantacanadensis]

But we could all get together (Twin Cities Transplants), but that is just another group to have to join to meet people. Why is is that reserved Scandinavians have this difficult time opening up to people, and meeting new, different people from other places, and not becoming involved with everyone whose name just ends in son or sen. Is it really that difficult for someone like you and those like you to loosen up a bit and learn about life somewhere else? The reserved mannerisms really make for a very uncomfortable working environment especially. It is quite obvious that the Scandinavian culture here has even affected those born and raised here, yet possessing other nationalities, since those individuals tend to be just as reserved, unfriendly, indirect, and even passive-aggressive as their Scandinavian counterparts.

[Brantacanadensis]

Yes I agree very much that the cultural environment (reserved, not willing to get to know new people and make new friends) is indicative of the entire Upper Midwest, not to mention an area which can boasts of some not very educated folks.

[Brantacanadensis]

Originally Posted by moma24

We have only been in Minnesota for six weeks, but we have found it incredibly hard to make connections with people. We got our kids involved in scouts which was incredibly difficult. People would just not call me! I would call and call and call and e-mail, etc. It was like pulling teeth to get them involved. I have found the same for the homeschool network. I was very careful to try to line things up before we even made the move so that we would have a smooth transition and would make some new friends quickly. I made contact with the head of the group and found that I could not get involved. What's that?? How can you not be open to newcomers??? I understand having a large group, but I think people should keep in mind, especially in a city that chances are you are going to have new people show up who want to meet people and make accomadations for that. When I moved to Dubuque, Iowa, my lifeline was getting involved in a mom's group. No one turned me away. And even as the group grew, instead of saying no to new people coming in, they formed two groups!!!
No one has been very welcoming and I have worked hard at trying to get involved. Even when I manage to strike up a conversation with someone, I always feel as if I am waiting for them to say something. No one says any more than what they have to. Very awkward. We have lived in Des Moines and found making friends to be very easy. People genuinely wanted to get to know you. Your neighbors came outside and visited with each other. People brought you plates of cookies to welcome you to the neighborhood and we always got a lot of "If there is anything I can do for you, don't hesitate to let me know" People I have met have seemed very "standoffish" to me. I hate to generalize, but so far that is all I have seen. I mentioned in another post how the only person I really know is a native Iowan who has been here seven years and still doesn't feel like she belongs here. Maybe instead of searching for a home, we should be searching for another job back in Iowa. I thought maybe if we went to a smaller town that might be better. From the conversation in this thread, I am wondering if that is really the case or not. Hard to believe what a huge change in such a short distance. We have even run into this at the church we have been attending! I got a call from someone who is a long time member of the church and the community to welcome me. Well, in our conversation I was basicly told that I probably would not want to buy a home and stay in Eden Prairie as it is such an affluent town. What is welcoming about that?

I wouldn't buy a home here. You'd have to stay for two years to save money on capital gains tax. If you rent something, it would be easier to depart. It is a very unfriendly place, as you've found out that you can't even get people to call you back, answer an email, or come over. To people here that's normal, but it really isn't. It's normal to interact with people, engage in dialogue (remember now - back and forth conversation). It's not you. Univ of Minnesota professors, lawyers, child psychologists, and others have left after a few years in the place - even the lawyers' children hated it. After 13 years, and still trying to get out with having a good job on the other end, my experiences here have certainly altered my personality. Don't stay any longer than absolutely necessary; you don't want it to affect your mind and that of your children. And, I know that I would be so much better off living and working regularly somewhere else.

[K-Luv]

Originally Posted by talktobrent

If you're really desperate, and still young, I would say scope out a restaurant/bar/nightclub/hotel (where i work); see what kind of people work there, if they seem like your crowd, look into working there part time (probably a pretty big hassle if you have a good job already, but like i said, if you're desperate). People that work in the service industry are there because they like to meet people and have fun. The office zombies downtown are probably mostly worried about their families and their career, not friends.

I wouldn't say that you need to be desperate to do this. I've pointed out before that the best way to meet people in the TC is to hang out at a local bar, but that idea got scoffed at (Why?) That DOES NOT mean that you need to be a raging alcoholic, nor the people that you will meet, but Minnesotans seem to like to socialize around beer.

I also get the impression that a majority of folks on here who are having problems meeting people are of the professional type. Professionals are all about networking, and that might work in the business environment, but on a human scale it is the wrong way to go. Trying to network through singles clubs, planned activities and socials-what ever-seem a little too desperate and tend to attract shy or socially awkward people.

My entire group of friends was made either directly or indirectly through the first restaurant that I got a job at in MPLS back in 1999.

[K-Luv]

Originally Posted by sugarbeet

internat - you are right on with Jante Law comment. There is a fair amount of modesty - or at least the idea that you are "supposed" to be modest - ingrained in us Scandinavians, even after five generations.

Jante Law seems a little too Orwellian for my taste-and, ironically, just as fictional.