How do people make friends in Minnesota?! (high school, college)
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Okay. I'm fairly new to MN but am basically a midwest girl. I have the same 'problem making friends' thing as everyone else, but I work with people older than my parents (so that's out) and I work off shifts. I'm sure I was doomed from the start.
However, I researched all over the country before picking a job and found the same issues west/east/ south. I don't think MN people are cold, I haven't found that at all. But it is that they have lived here their entire lives and so have their friends. Make no mistake, the midwest is family oriented. You marry young, have kids, and your friends do the same. (Don't get excited, I know there are exceptions).
So how do you meet people? I certainly don't have an answer, but I don't think Minnesota is the problem. I do think that the information here is skewed (um, all the people who did make friends aren't on here worried about how hard it is I'm sure). I admit it's not easy, but it can't be impossible. And if you think it is, well, then you've made up your mind.
That said, where are you transplants? And why haven't we met?
Exactly ! I'm an old man whose job had him living all over the country,coast to coast in towns large and small,including the Twin Cities.
It's human nature 101 that people only make new friends if said have something they need/want.
Also, since the advent of TV,I was born in the 30's and grew up without it, americans have grown ever more isolated and anti-social, its a mass society where the medium IS the message.
Being young, beautiful and/or rich might get you an exception, but beyond that making friends is largely a matter of chance anywhere in the USA.
A major reason for the rise of "mega-churches" and others in the religious hustler game is they are in the business of selling instant "community", it works for some ,but personally I have more respect for God than than that.
A great book on all this is called "Bowling Alone" in America .
Exactly ! I'm an old man whose job had him living all over the country,coast to coast in towns large and small,including the Twin Cities.
It's human nature 101 that people only make new friends if said have something they need/want.
Also, since the advent of TV,I was born in the 30's and grew up without it, americans have grown ever more isolated and anti-social, its a mass society where the medium IS the message.
Being young, beautiful and/or rich might get you an exception, but beyond that making friends is largely a matter of chance anywhere in the USA.
A major reason for the rise of "mega-churches" and others in the religious hustler game is they are in the business of selling instant "community", it works for some ,but personally I have more respect for God than than that.
A great book on all this is called "Bowling Alone" in America .
I agree. In 1994 when I was in Richmond, VA, before I moved to Minnesota (and lived there for 13 years) we would sit outside on our porch steps most nights of the week during the summer and talk and talk. Then, several years after that I noticed a real disconnect with neighbors. Part of this could certainly be attributed to the Minnesota culture, but it is something I have seen in quite a few places. People are just too tuned to their other mediums these days - cell phones, I phones, computers, laptops, whatever.
I work as a grocery store checker and I don't give much customer service to those on cell phone or even looking at them, laughing over these damn pictures on their phones. For those few minutes at the register, they just can't put the damn thing down.
As for the church thing, that doesn't surprise me - going to church to find another community. I, too, have more respect for God than going to some mega-church.
Thanks for the book reference. I wrote it down and will look into it.
Here's the deal: this is a forum. People offer up differing opinions. You don't have to agree with them. No one is saying that you're all wrong, at least not on every count. I do think it's patently absurd to suggest that Minnesotans as a group are cold to their children (to pick out a ridiculous statement that I think most people, even "transplants," which is a word I prefer not to use) would say is silly. If the thesis is that "Minnesotans are cold to their children, and that's why they're all so cold as adults," then yes, I think there are sufficienct examples to prove that false. Given that you say you've never interacted with local families with kids, I think you should spend some time at least seeing Minnesota kids before you make such judgements.
As far as marrying young, I'm the only one of my Minnesota friends or relatives who married young (22). Maybe it's a rural thing, as my Minnesota experience has been with the city. I was definitely the odd one out. Unless you consider later mid- to late-20s excessively young (which seems to be the norm, with plenty of people marrying at an older age, too), which seems to be in line with the rest of the country.
I agree. In 1994 when I was in Richmond, VA, before I moved to Minnesota (and lived there for 13 years) we would sit outside on our porch steps most nights of the week during the summer and talk and talk. Then, several years after that I noticed a real disconnect with neighbors. Part of this could certainly be attributed to the Minnesota culture, but it is something I have seen in quite a few places. People are just too tuned to their other mediums these days - cell phones, I phones, computers, laptops, whatever.
I work as a grocery store checker and I don't give much customer service to those on cell phone or even looking at them, laughing over these damn pictures on their phones. For those few minutes at the register, they just can't put the damn thing down.
As for the church thing, that doesn't surprise me - going to church to find another community. I, too, have more respect for God than going to some mega-church.
Thanks for the book reference. I wrote it down and will look into it.
Bowling Alone is excellent. I agree that much of this is a larger issue, although I do acknowledge that it is tougher in some communities than in others. My friends live in states across the country, and they have all commented on how difficult it can be to meet new people. I think it gets harder as you get older, too, not because people themselves change, but because schedules get busier, less flexible, and everyone is so busy just trying to live. Maybe it gets easier again after retirement. In any case, while I do think it's tougher in states high sticky/low magnet state, it's certainly not an isolated thing. If you go on many of the other state forums you'll see the same complaints. We lived in a smallish town in Virginia for awhile (we lived in a house known by its former resident, one that died nine years prior, so that's not a MN-specific thing, either), and while people were very friendly, we never did break in socially. I think we would have with time, and I did meet some very friendly people through volunteering. In any case, there are larger American trends at work, too. Solutions can be tackled at the community level, but the issue is not a community-specific one.
There's also a nice book called "The Great Neighborhood Book" that is filled with short examples of neighborhoods across the country that have made their communities better. It's not about making friends specificially, but it does have examples of how people have improved their sense of community (which in many cases does mean strengthening or creating friendships) through various actions, both large and small. It was compiled by a guy from the Kingfield neighborhood of Minneapolis, by the way, a neighborhood that to me seems very welcoming and friendly, although I haven't ever lived within its borders.
Having moved several times throughout my life, I don't really have a hometown. I only have this to add: you have to do the inviting. Don't sit around and whine about feeling left out. You are the new one, and you need to bend over-backwards if you want to "fit in." Go to church, do community rec programs, YMCA, food shelter, volunteer, etc. Newbies only get respect if they have something to contribute, in my opinion. I can say this because I am, and always will be, a newbie!
I had transplanted to southern Minnesota because I met a guy there. The experience was so different there. It helped that a friend of his was outgoing and I was very accepted by her family spending holidays with them when I couldn't go home, she's my closest friend 20 years later. I met other people too, all born and raised in the same region and many of those people are still friends. I was in my early 20s, we were all single, it was a wonderful experience and this happened in small town Minnesota. I wish I could have stayed there but I ended up in the cities. I worked with many native Minnesotans in two different jobs and never felt that I was anything other than another person in town. I wasn't known like many people but not in a bad way. I wish I could have stayed there.
I still feel like it's just a matter of meeting the right person with the right circle of friends but there's not a lot of people like that I don't think.
Having moved several times throughout my life, I don't really have a hometown. I only have this to add: you have to do the inviting. Don't sit around and whine about feeling left out. You are the new one, and you need to bend over-backwards if you want to "fit in." Go to church, do community rec programs, YMCA, food shelter, volunteer, etc. Newbies only get respect if they have something to contribute, in my opinion. I can say this because I am, and always will be, a newbie!
Thats all well and good for some,but for others its un-authentic behavior which might hurt your cause more than help it.
I am surprised even within the US there is degree of individualism and collectivism. I guess MN being far to the individualism side. It reminds me of the movie "My Big Fat Greek Wedding." Do you guys remember the stark differences and culture shock? haha here is what I found an article about this. - Traits of Collectivism "We" not "me" orientation. Each person is encouraged to conform to society, to do what is best for the group and to not openly express opinions or beliefs that go against it. Group, family or rights for the common good seen as most important than the rights of inviduals. Rules promote stability, order, obedience. Fitting in or conforming to group or society is required. Distinctions made between in-group and out-group. Working with others and cooperating is the norm. Refusal to cooperate and wanting to be independent or stand out is seen as shameful. Everyone must rely on others for support. -Examples of Countries with Generally Collectivistic Cultures: Argentina, Brazil, China, Vietnam, Egypt, Greece, India, Japan, Korea, Mexico. ------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- - Traits of Individualism "I" identity. Promotes individual goals, initiative and achievement. Each person is encouraged to stand out, be unique and express themselves. Individual rights seen as most important. Rules attempt to ensure independence, choices and freedom of speech. No need to fit in or conform to group or society. Less distinction between in-group and out-group. Relying or being dependent on others is seen as shameful. People are encouraged to do things on their own, to rely on themselves. - Examples of Countries with Generally Individualistic Cultures: Canada, Australia, England, France, Ireland, Italy, New Zealand, United States.
Been here in N. MN for 15 years and it has never gotten any easier. I used to say these people are crusty, but it's worse than that. I have never had any problem making friends. I've lived out east and west. Grew up near Chicago. I used to think it was just me, but it hasn't gotten any better, no matter what I try. I've come to the realization that I will always be an outsider. My husband's and his siblings' friends are the same people that they have hung out with their whole life. They welcomed me (I guess), until the marriage started going bad. We're still together for the kids, but I am all alone with few friends. It's like I have a scarlett letter on me. I dream of the day I can leave this place. It's unbelievable how passive aggressive, snobby (why????) and unfriendly these people are. If you're thinking of moving here because it's so pretty, don't, you'll regret it!
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