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Old 02-20-2013, 04:02 PM
 
12,282 posts, read 13,169,999 times
Reputation: 4985

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Boudreaux, the smoothest-talking Cajun in the Louisiana National Guard, got called up to active duty. Boudreaux's first assignment was in a military induction center. Because he was a good talker, they assigned him the duty of advising new recruits about government benefits, especially the GI insurance to which they were entitled.



The officer in charge soon noticed that Boudreaux was getting a 99% sign-up rate for the more expensive supplemental form of GI insurance. This was remarkable, because it cost these low-income recruits $30.00 per month for the higher coverage, compared to what the government was already providing at no charge.



The officer decided he'd sit in the back of the room at the next briefing and observe Boudreaux's sales pitch.



Boudreaux stood up before the latest group of inductees and said, "If you has da normal GI insurans an' you goes to Afganstan an' gets yousef killt, da govment pays you benfishry twenty tousan' dollar. If you takes out da supmental insurans, which cost yousef only tirty dollar a munt, den da govment gots ta pay you benfishry four hunert tousan dollar! "Now," Boudreaux concluded, "which bunch you tink dey gonna send ta Afganstan first?
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Old 03-14-2013, 12:20 PM
 
12,282 posts, read 13,169,999 times
Reputation: 4985
SMART WIFE:

Have you ever seen a twenty dollar bill all crumpled up?" asked the wife.

"No," said her husband.

She gave him a sexy little smile, slowly reached into her cleavage and
pulled out a crumpled twenty dollar bill.


"Have you ever seen a fifty all crumpled up?" she asked.

"Uh, no," he said.

She gave him another sexy little smile, seductively reached into her panties
and pulled out a crumpled fifty dollar bill.


"Now," she said, "Have you ever seen 40,000 dollars all crumpled up?"

"No," he said, now really intrigued.


"Well go look in the garage..."
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Old 03-17-2013, 12:35 PM
 
52 posts, read 97,750 times
Reputation: 24
Three guys are out hunting, a Texan, a Californian, and an Oregonion. Since there was no game about the

Texan takes a a drink from a fresh bottle of Tequila, tosses it in the air and shoots it. The other guys gasp and the Texans say...

"No worry, we have lots of Tequila in Texas"

So next the Californian (not to be outdone) opens a bottle of wine, takes a swig, tosses it in the air and after shooting it says...

"No worry, we have lots of wine in California"

Now both the guys look at the guy from Oregon...

And the guy from Oregon not wanting to be outdone, turns and shoots the Californian and says,...

"No worry, we have lots of Californians in Oregon"...
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Old 08-30-2013, 11:37 AM
 
12,282 posts, read 13,169,999 times
Reputation: 4985
Two medical students were walking along the street when they saw an old man walking with his legs spread apart.

He was stiff-legged and walking slowly.

One student said to his friend:
"I'm sure that poor old man has Peltry Syndrome. Those people walk just like that."

The other student says:
"No, I don't think so. The old man surely has Zovitzki Syndrome. He walks slowly and his legs are apart, just as we learned in class."

Since they couldn't agree they decided to ask the old man.

They approached him and one of the students said to him, "We're medical students and couldn't help but notice the way you walk,

but we couldn't agree on the syndrome you might have. Could you tell us what it is?"

The old man said, "I'll tell you, but first you tell me what you two fine medical students think."

The first student said, "I think its Peltry Syndrome."

The old man said, "You thought - but you are wrong.."

The other student said, "I think you have Zovitzki Syndrome."

The old man said, "You thought - but you are wrong."

So they asked him, "Well, old timer, what do you have?"

The old man said, "I thought it was GAS - but I was wrong, too"
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Old 08-30-2013, 11:43 AM
 
12,282 posts, read 13,169,999 times
Reputation: 4985
It was entertainment night at the senior citizens' center.

After the community sing along led by Alice at the piano,
it was time for the Star of the Show - Claude the Hypnotist!

Claude explained that he was going to put the whole audience into a trance.
"Yes, each and every one of you and all at the same time." said Claude.

The excited chatter dropped to silence as Claude carefully withdrew from his waistcoat pocket

A beautiful antique gold pocket watch and chain.
"I want you to keep your eyes on this watch" said Claude, holding the watch high for all to see.

"It is a very special and valuable watch that has been in my family for six generations", said Claude.
He began to swing the watch gently back and forth while quietly chanting
"Watch the watch --- Watch the watch ----Watch the watch"

The audience became mesmerised as the watch swayed back and forth.
The lights twinkling as they were reflected from it's gleaming surfaces.

A hundred and fifty pairs of eyes followed the movements of the gently swaying watch.


And then,

Suddenly,
the chain broke!!!

The beautiful watch fell to the stage and burst apart on impact"

"****" said Claude.

It took them three days to clean the Senior Citizens' Center...

And Claude was never invited to entertain again.
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Old 08-30-2013, 02:58 PM
 
320 posts, read 607,942 times
Reputation: 241
Our state's nullification law is a good belly-acher!
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Old 10-09-2013, 02:30 PM
 
12,282 posts, read 13,169,999 times
Reputation: 4985
CRANKY OLD MAN

When an old man died in the geriatric ward of a nursing home in an Australian country town, it was believed that he had nothing left of any value.

Later, when ... the nurses were going through his meager possessions, they found this poem. Its quality and content so impressed the staff that copies were made and distributed to every nurse in the hospital.

One nurse took her copy to Melbourne. The old man's sole bequest to posterity has since appeared in the Christmas editions of magazines around the country and appearing in mags for Mental Health. A slide presentation has also been made based on his simple, but eloquent, poem.

And this old man, with nothing left to give to the world, is now the author of this ‘anonymous’ poem winging across the Internet.

Cranky Old Man

What do you see nurses?… … What do you see?
What are you thinking… … when you’re looking at me?
A cranky old man… … not very wise,
Uncertain of habit… … with faraway eyes?
Who dribbles his food… … and makes no reply.
When you say in a loud voice… … ‘I do wish you’d try!’
Who seems not to notice… … the things that you do.
And forever is losing… … A sock or shoe?
Who, resisting or not… … lets you do as you will,
With bathing and feeding… … The long day to fill?
Is that what you’re thinking?… … Is that what you see?
Then open your eyes, nurse… … you’re not looking at me.
I’ll tell you who I am … … As I sit here so still,
As I do at your bidding… … as I eat at your will.
I’m a small child of Ten… … with a father and mother,
Brothers and sisters… … who love one another
A young boy of Sixteen… … with wings on his feet
Dreaming that soon now… … a lover he’ll meet.
A groom soon at Twenty… … my heart gives a leap.
Remembering, the vows… … that I promised to keep.
At Twenty-Five, now… … I have young of my own.
Who need me to guide… … And a secure happy home.
A man of Thirty… … My young now grown fast,
Bound to each other… … With ties that should last.
At Forty, my young sons… … have grown and are gone,
But my woman is beside me… … to see I don’t mourn.
At Fifty, once more… … Babies play ‘round my knee,
Again, we know children … … My loved one and me.
Dark days are upon me… … My wife is now dead.
I look at the future… … I shudder with dread.
For my young are all rearing… … young of their own.
And I think of the years… … And the love that I’ve known.
I’m now an old man… … and nature is cruel.
It’s jest to make old age… … look like a fool.
The body, it crumbles… … grace and vigor, depart.
There is now a stone… … where I once had a heart.
But inside this old carcass… … A young man still dwells,
And now and again… … my battered heart swells
I remember the joys… … I remember the pain.
And I’m loving and living… … life over again.
I think of the years, all too few… … gone too fast.
And accept the stark fact… … that nothing can last.
So open your eyes, people… … open and see.
Not a cranky old man… …
Look closer… see … … . . ME!!

Remember this poem when you next meet an older person who you might brush aside without looking at the young soul within. We will all, one day, be there too!

PLEASE SHARE THIS POEM
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Old 10-17-2013, 04:31 PM
 
12,282 posts, read 13,169,999 times
Reputation: 4985
SCOTCH?

On the first day of school, the children brought gifts for their teacher. The supermarket manager's daughter brought the teacher a basket of assorted fruit.

The florist's son brought the teacher a bouquet of flowers.

The candy-store owner's daughter gave the teacher a pretty box of candy.

Then the liquor-store owner's son brought up a big, heavy box. The teacher lifted it up and noticed that it was leaking a little bit…She touched a drop of the liquid with her finger and tasted it.

"Is it wine?" she guessed.

"No," the boy replied. She tasted another drop and asked, " Champagne ?"

"No," said the little boy............."It's a puppy!"
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Old 10-17-2013, 04:32 PM
 
12,282 posts, read 13,169,999 times
Reputation: 4985
answer to an age old question

An egg and a chicken were laying in bed together. The chicken rolls over and lights up a cigarette.
The egg then says we now know the answer to the age old question.
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Old 10-17-2013, 04:33 PM
 
12,282 posts, read 13,169,999 times
Reputation: 4985
Bulls

My wife and I went to the Sydney Royal Easter Show and one of the first exhibits we stopped at was the breeding bulls.. We went up to the first pen and there was a sign attached that said,

' THIS BULL MATED 50 TIMES LAST YEAR '

My wife playfully nudged me in the ribs ...Smiled and said, 'He mated 50 times last year, that's almost once a week.'

We walked to the second pen which had a sign attached that said,

''THIS BULL MATED 150 TIMES LAST YEAR'

My wife gave me a healthy jab and said, 'WOW~~That's more than twice! a week !
...You could learn a lot from him.'

We walked to the third pen and it had a sign attached that said, in capital letters,

'THIS BULL MATED 365 TIMES LAST YEAR'

My wife was so excited that her elbow nearly broke my ribs, and said, That's once a day...You could REALLY learn something from this one.'

I looked at her and said, “Go over and ask him if it was with the same cow.'

My condition has been upgraded from critical to stable and I should eventually make a full recovery.
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