MO folks, have any good jokes to share with us?? (California: wedding, buy)

[mrsgenealogy]

I haven't read the other posts in this thread, yet. I just had to say, "Thanks" to what's-his-name for starting it! Since I can't begin to abbreviate it and don't want to hassle typing it all out, I'll just say, "Thanks, Derwood!"

Being a woman, I also couldn't resist a few responses of my own! By and large, there are a lot of truths in this list, some that are sadly true, I must add. Don't blame me...you, after all, brought it up...and in true womanly fashion, I must offer my 2 cents worth. (Batting eyes innocently, here!) Hopefully, you'll think I'm one of the witty ladies in this forum and not get mad at me. For obvious reasons, I've inserted my notes in between yours...

Originally Posted by m15A2fwtnc

Well I reckon I will start it off Since this particular forum is dominated by some very funny and witty ladies I have no choice but to toss out some manly man type stuff. Yes you may print this out and stick it on your fridge



Please note.. these are all numbered "1" ON PURPOSE!

1. Men are NOT mind readers.

1. Learn to work the toilet seat. You're a big girl. If it's up, put it down. We need it up, you need it down.
You don't hear us complaining about you leaving it down.

Okay, this is the only real exception to the rule. It's just a bad argument. Don't be surprised if your wife looks at you funny when you tell her that one.

1. Sunday sports. It's like the full moon or the changing of the tides.
It cannot be changed so like the Beatles say....Let it be.

1. Shopping is NOT a sport.
And no, we are never going to think of it that way.....EVER.
Hmmm...I thought you did! For you, shopping is akin to hunting...once you find the item...and it's somehow usually in the first place you look...you kill/buy it, bag it and take it home!

1. Crying is blackmail.

Okay...not going there!

1. Ask for what you want. Let us be clear on this one:
Subtle hints do not work! Strong hints do not work!
Obvious hints do not work! Just say it!

Uh huh...so you can promptly forget it! That is, if you ever really HEARD it!

1. Yes and No are perfectly acceptable answers to almost every question.

1. Come to us with a problem only if you want help solving it. That's what we do. Sympathy is what your girlfriends are for.

1. A headache that lasts for 17 months is a serious problem. See a doctor.

Oh! Can I help? A good brand of progesterone cream worked wonders for me, ladies! I'm not sure who will appreciate my "helpfulness" more...the men or the women. Teehee!

1. Anything we said 6 months ago is inadmissible in an argument.
In fact, all comments become null and void after 7 Days.

Oh, my gosh! How true is THAT?!

1. If you won't dress like the Victoria's Secret girls, don't expect us to act like soap opera guys.

Better yet, don't expect it anyway. If you get it, consider yourself blessed!

1. If you think you're fat, you probably are. Don't ask us, we call it like it is.

1. If something we said can be interpreted two ways and one of the ways makes you sad or angry, we meant the other one.

1. You can either ask us to do something or tell us how you want it done.
Not both. If you already know best how to do it, just do it yourself.

1. Whenever possible, please say whatever you have to say during commercials.

Yep...and how sad is THAT?! It seems to me that SOMEone has a few priority issues!

1. Christopher Columbus did NOT need directions and neither do we.

Fair enough...just don't make us listen to you rant and rave when you get lost!

1. ALL men see in only 16 colors, like Windows default settings.
Peach, for example, is a fruit, not A color. Pumpkin is also a fruit.
We have no idea what mauve is.

Touche'! But you don't know what you're missing!

1. If it itches, it will be scratched. We do that.

Do you honestly think that WE don't itch in...ahem...potentially embarrasing areas? Can you imagine what it would look like if WE did the same?

1. If we ask what is wrong and you say "nothing," We will act like nothing is wrong.
We know you are lying, but it is just not worth the hassle.

1. If you ask a question you don't want an answer to, expect an answer you don't want to hear.

1. When we have to go somewhere, absolutely anything you wear is fine...really.

1. Don't ask us what we're thinking about unless you are prepared to discuss such topics as baseball, the shotgun formation, or golf.

1. You have enough clothes.

1. You have too many shoes.

1. I am in shape. Round IS a shape!

1. Thank you for reading this.

Yes, I know, I have to sleep on the couch tonight;

But did you know men really don't mind that? It's like camping.

Yeah, we know...we usually have to wake you up from sleeping on the couch to get you to go to bed each night, anyway! Hahaha!

High five, girls!
http://i113.photobucket.com/albums/n231/jammer_this/angelflappingwings.gif (broken link)

[ShadowCaver]

A three-legged dog walks into a saloon in a small town off the Current River in southern Missouri.

The barkeep and the patrons watch him closely as he sidles up to the bar.

After a couple barks and growls to get their attention, he announces: "I'm looking for the man who shot my paw."

[Lake Junkie]

I tell ya I've been lookin at that 'n finally figured it out...
"Mr. Fifteen (year old) Askin 2 fa*# with the nose closed..."


Here's one...should come in handy once in a while...

Tips from the Redneck Book of Manners

1. Always identify people in your yard before shooting at them.
2. It's considered poor taste to take a cooler to church. (Even if it's a funeral.)
3. If you have to vacuum the bed, it is time to change the sheets.
4. Even if you're certain that you are included in the will, it is still considered tacky to drive a U-Haul to the funeral home.

***ENTERTAINING IN YOUR HOME ***

1. A centerpiece for the table should never be anything prepared by a taxidermist.
2. Do not allow the dog to eat at the table no matter how good his manners are.

***PERSONAL HYGIENE ***

1. While ears need to be cleaned regularly, this is a job that should be done in private using one's OWN truck keys.
2. Proper use of toiletries can forestall bathing for several days. However, if you live alone..... deodorant is a waste of good money.

***DATING (Outside the Family) ***

1. Always offer to bait your date's hook, especially on the first date.
2. Be aggressive. Let her know you're interested: "I've been wanting to go out with you since I read that stuff on the bathroom wall two years ago."
3. Establish with her parents what time she is expected back. Some will say 10:00 PM; others might say "Monday." If the latter is the answer, it is the man's responsibility to get her to school on time.

***WEDDINGS ***

1. Livestock, usually, is a poor choice for a wedding gift.
2. Kissing the bride for more than 5 seconds may get you shot.
3. For the groom, at least, rent a tux. A leisure suit with cummerbund and a clean bowling shirt can create too sporty an appearance.
4. Though uncomfortable, say "yes" to socks and shoes! for this special occasion.

***DRIVING ETIQUETTE ***

1. Dim your headlights for approaching vehicles; even if the gun is loaded, and the deer is in sight.
2. When approaching a four-way stop, the vehicle with the largest tires always has the right of way.
3. Never tow another car using panty hose and duct tape.
4. When sending your wife down the road with a gas can, it is impolite to ask her to bring back beer.
5. Never relieve yourself from a moving vehicle, especially when driving.
6. Do not lay rubber while traveling in a funeral procession.

***TWO REASONS WHY IT IS HARD TO SOLVE A REDNECK MURDER***

1. All the DNA is the same.
2. There are no dental records

[2beamissourian]

TREE HUGGER

A woman from Los Angeles, who was a tree hugger and an
Anti-hunter, purchased a piece of timberland. There was a large tree on
one of the highest points in the tract. She wanted a good view of the
natural splendor of her land so she started to climb the big tree. As she
neared the top she countered a spotted owl that attacked her. In her haste
to escape, the woman slid down the tree to the ground and got many splinters in her
crotch.

In considerable pain, she hurried to the nearest doctor. She
Told him she was an environmentalist and an anti-hunter and how she came
to get all the splinters. The doctor listened to her story with great
patience and then told her to go into the examining room and he would seeif he could help her.

She sat and waited three hours before the doctor reappeared.
The angry woman demanded, "What took you so long?"

He smiled and then told her, "Well, I had to get permits
From the Environmental Protection Agency, the Forest Service and the
Bureau Of Land Management before I could remove old-growth timber from a
Recreational area. I'm sorry, but they turned me down."

[ShadowCaver]

Two rednecks, Bubba and Cooter, decided that they weren't going anywhere in life and thought they should go to college to get ahead.

Bubba goes in first, and the professor advises him to take math, history, and logic.

"What's logic?" asked Bubba.

The professor answered, "Let me give you an example. Do you own a weed eater?"

"I sure do," answered the redneck.

"Then I can assume, using logic, that you have a yard," replied the professor.

"That's real good," the redneck responded in awe.

The professor continued, "Logic also tells me that since you have a yard, you also have a house."

Impressed, the redneck shouted, "GAWL-LEEE!!"

"And since you own a house, and a house is tough to take care of by yourself, logic dictates that you have a wife."

"Betty Mae! This is incredible!" (Bubba is obviously catching on.)

"Finally, since you have a wife, logically I can assume that you are heterosexual rather than homosexual," said the professor.

"You're absolutely right! Why that's the most fascinatin' thang I ever heard of. I can't wait to take this here logic class."

Bubba, proud of the new world opening up to him, walked back into the hallway where Cooter is still waiting.

"So what classes are ya takin?" he asks.

"Math, history, and logic," replies Bubba.

"What in tarnation is logic?"

"Let me give you an example. Do ya own a weed-eater?"

Cooter replies "no."

"You're a homosexual, ain't ya?"

[mrsgenealogy]

Too, too funny, ShadowCaver! That's hilarious! Thanks for sharing it! I can't wait to share it with my husband!

[ShadowCaver]

Originally Posted by mrsgenealogy

Too, too funny, ShadowCaver! That's hilarious! Thanks for sharing it! I can't wait to share it with my husband!

Ummm,,, I am gonna go out on a limb here, use some of that thar logic, and guess then that he has a weedeater?

[da jammer]

A married couple was in a terrible accident where the man's face was
severely burned. The doctor told the husband that they couldn't graft
any skin from his body because he was too skinny.

So the wife offered to donate some of her own skin.
However, the only skin on her body that the doctor felt was suitable
would have to come from her buttocks. The husband and wife agreed that
they would tell no one about where the skin came from, and they
requested that the doctor also honor their secret. After all, this was
a very delicate matter.

After the surgery was completed, everyone was astounded at the man's
new face. He looked more handsome than he ever had before!
All his friends and relatives just went on and on about his youthful
beauty.

One day, he was alone with his wife, and he was overcome with emotion
at her sacrifice. He said, "Dear, I just want to thank you for
everything you did for me. How can I possibly repay you?"

"My darling," she replied, "I get all the thanks I need every time I
see your mother kiss you on the cheek."

[MOHIllbillyWoman]

I love this thread and want to thank the person for srarting it.

THE HILLBILLY VASECTOMY

After their 11th child, an Alabama couple decided that was enough, as they could not afford a larger bed.

So the husband went to his veterinarian and told him that he and his cousin didn't want to have any more children.

The doctor told him that there was a procedure called a vasectomy that could fix the problem but that it was expensive. "A less costly alternative," said the doctor, "is to go home, get a cherry bomb, (fireworks are legal in Alabama) light it, put it in a beer can, then hold the can up to your ear and count to 10."

The Alabamian said to the doctor, "I may not be the smartest tool in the shed, but I don't see how putting a cherry bomb in a beer can next to my ear is going to help me."

"Trust me," said the doctor.

So the man went home, lit a cherry bomb and put it in a beer can. He held the can up to his ear and began to count!

"1"

"2"

"3"

"4"

"5"

(you'll love this...)

At which point he paused, placed the beer can between his legs and continued counting on his other hand.

This procedure also works in Texas, Tennessee, Kentucky, Louisiana, Arkansas, Mississippi, Missouri, West Virginia and Washington D.C.

[mrsgenealogy]

Originally Posted by ShadowCaver

Ummm,,, I am gonna go out on a limb here, use some of that thar logic, and guess then that he has a weedeater?

Bwaaahahaaahahaaaaaaaaa! You're goooood!