MO folks, have any good jokes to share with us?? (Rea: taxi, cost of)

[Marie'sBees]

Here's another one with not-so-disturbing visuals as my last one:

A cowboy rode into town and stopped at a saloon for a drink. Unfortunately, the locals always had a habit of picking on strangers, which he was. When he finished his drink, he found his horse had been stolen. He went back into the bar, handily flipped his gun into the air, caught it above his head without even looking and fired a shot into the ceiling.

"Which one of you sidewinders stole my horse?!?!?" he yelled with surprising forcefulness. No one answered. "Alright, I'm gonna have another beer, and if my horse ain't back outside by the time I finish, I'm gonna do what I dun in Texas! And I don't like to have to do what I dun in Texas!" Some of the locals shifted restlessly. The man, true to his word, had another beer, walked outside, and his horse has been returned to the post.

He saddled up and started to ride out of town. The bartender wandered out of the bar and asked, "Say partner, before you go... what happened in Texas?" The cowboy turned back and said, "I walked home!"

[Marie'sBees]

I hereby solemnly swear to post a joke a day. Unless I hit the bottle like I did in 1987, cause then all bets are off. This is not me!

The other night I was invited out for a night with "the girls." I
told my husband that I would be home by midnight, "I promise."

Well, the hours passed and the margaritas went down way too
easy. Around 3:00 a.m., a bit loaded, I headed for home. Just as I
got in the door, the cuckoo clock in the hall started up and
cuckooed 3 times.

Quickly, realizing my husband would wake up, I cuckooed another
9 times. I was really proud of myself for coming up with such a
quick-witted solution, in order to escape a possible conflict with
him.

(Even when totally smashed.....3 cuckoos plus 9 cuckoos totals
12 cuckoos = midnight.)

The next morning my husband asked my what time I got in and I
told him "midnight." He didn't seem upset at all.

Whew! Got away with that one!

Then he said, "We need a new cuckoo clock."

When I asked him why, he said, "Well, last night our clock
cuckooed 3 times, then said, "Oh ****", cuckooed 4 more times,
cleared its throat, cuckooed another 3 times, giggled, cuckooed
twice more, and then tripped over the coffee table and farted."

[Marie'sBees]

Did I scare everyone away? Here's a scary stereotype for ya:

A professor at the University of Alabama was giving a lecture of the
supernatural. To get a feel for his audience, he asks, "How many people here believe
in ghosts?"

About 90 students raise their hands "Well, that's a good start. Out of those
of you who believe in ghosts, do any of you think you have seen a ghost?"

About 40 students raise their hands. "That's really good. I'm really glad
you take this seriously. Has anyone here ever talked to a ghost?"

About 15 students raise their hand. "Has anyone here ever touched a ghost?"

3 students raise their hands. "That's fantastic. Now let me ask you one
question further... Have any of you ever made love to a ghost?"

Way in the back, Bubba raises his hand. The professor takes off his
glasses, and says
"Son, all the years I've been giving this lecture, no one has ever
claimed to have made love to a ghost. You've got to come up here and tell us
about your experience."

The big redneck student replied with a nod and a grin, and began to make his
way up to the podium. When he reached the front of the room, the professor
asks, "So, Bubba, tell us what it's like to have sex with a ghost?" Bubba
replied, "Shoooot! From way back thar I thought you said "Goats."

[ShadowCaver]

Originally Posted by Marie'sBees

Did I scare everyone away? Here's a scary stereotype for ya:

A professor at the University of Alabama was giving a lecture of the
supernatural. To get a feel for his audience, he asks, "How many people here believe
in ghosts?"

About 90 students raise their hands "Well, that's a good start. Out of those
of you who believe in ghosts, do any of you think you have seen a ghost?"

About 40 students raise their hands. "That's really good. I'm really glad
you take this seriously. Has anyone here ever talked to a ghost?"

About 15 students raise their hand. "Has anyone here ever touched a ghost?"

3 students raise their hands. "That's fantastic. Now let me ask you one
question further... Have any of you ever made love to a ghost?"

Way in the back, Bubba raises his hand. The professor takes off his
glasses, and says
"Son, all the years I've been giving this lecture, no one has ever
claimed to have made love to a ghost. You've got to come up here and tell us
about your experience."

The big redneck student replied with a nod and a grin, and began to make his
way up to the podium. When he reached the front of the room, the professor
asks, "So, Bubba, tell us what it's like to have sex with a ghost?" Bubba
replied, "Shoooot! From way back thar I thought you said "Goats."

Last edited by Marie'sBees : Today at 11:14 AM. Reason: I need some sleep!

Why did I see a different word, one that references a particular woolly creature, when reading your edit field after reading this joke of yours?

[Marie'sBees]

Originally Posted by ShadowCaver

Why did I see a different word, one that references a particular woolly creature, when reading your edit field after reading this joke of yours?

Mmm, mmm, mmm, I tell ya the wickedness all up in here is getting worse by the day. I hope that doesn't coincide with me joining this board

[Darlynn0217]

Sisss BOOM Baah !!!


The sound you hear when a sheep explodes

[mamagator54]

Not really a joke but my mother-in-law sent this to me and I just couldn't resist posting it.
Eight Words with two Meanings
1. THINGY (thing-ee) n. Female..Any part under a car's hood. Male... The strap fastener on a woman's bra.
2. VULNERABLE (vul-ne-ra-bel) adj. Female.... Fully opening up
one's self emotionally to another. Male.... Playing football without a cup.
3. COMMUNICATION (ko-myoo-ni-kay-shon) n. Female... The open sharing
of thoughts and feelings with one's partner. Male... Leaving a note
before taking off on a fishing trip with the boys.
4. COMMITMENT (ko-mit-ment) n. Female.... A desire to get married
and raise a family. Male...... Trying not to hit on other women
while out with this one.
5. ENTERTAINMENT (en-ter-tayn-ment) n. Female.... A good movie,
concert, play or book. Male...... Anything that can be done while
drinking beer.
6. FLATULENCE (flach-u-lens) n. Female.... An embarrassing byproduct
of indigestion. Male...... A source of entertainment,
self-expression, male bonding.
7 MAKING LOVE (may-king luv) n. Female...... The greatest expression
of intimacy a couple can achieve. Male.. Call it whatever you want,
just as long as we do it.
8. REMOTE CONTROL (ri-moht kon-trohl) n. Female.... A device for
changing from one TV channel to another. Male... A device for
scanning through all 375 channels every 5 minutes

[mamagator54]

Subject: Best patient

Five surgeons are discussing who makes the best patients on the operating
table.

The first surgeon says, "I like to see accountants on my operating table,
because when you open them up, everything inside is numbered."

The second responds, "Yeah, but you should try electricians! Everything
inside them is color coded."

The third surgeon says, "No, I really think librarians are the best;
everything inside them is in alphabetical order."

The fourth surgeon chimes in: "You know, I like construction workers...those guys always understand when you have a few parts left over at the end, and when the job takes longer than you said it would."

But the fifth surgeon shut them all up when he observed: "You're all wrong.
Politicians are the easiest to operate on. There's no guts, no heart, and no
spine, and the head and butt are interchangeable.

[Marie'sBees]

Originally Posted by Darlynn0217

Sisss BOOM Baah !!!


The sound you hear when a sheep explodes

How do you know this? On second thought Darlynn, nevermind. Some things are better left to the imagination.

[tambre]

Thought this was kinda funny:

A Hypnotist Visits the Senior Center
As the hypnotist went to the front of the assembly room, he announced, "Unlike most hypnotists who invite two or three people up here to be put into a trance, I intend to hypnotize each and every member of this audience at the same time, while you remain in your seat."
The excitement was electric as he drew a beautiful antique pocket watch and chain from his coat jacket and said, "I now ask each of you to keep your eyes on this antique watch. It's a very special watch which has been in my family for six generations." And he began to swing the timepiece gently back and forth while quietly chanting, "Watch the watch, watch the watch, watch the watch ...."
Every oldster became mesmerized as the watch swayed back and forth, light gleaming off its polished surface. Hundreds of pairs of eyes followed its every movement until, suddenly, it slipped from the hypnotist's fingers and crashed on the floor, breaking into a hundred pieces.
"S - - t!" exclaimed the hypnotist, very loudly.
It took three days to clean up the senior center.