MO folks, have any good jokes to share with us?? (Ozark: co-op, gated)

[Darlynn0217]

A curious fellow died one day and found himself waiting in the long line of judgment.
As he stood there he noticed that some souls were
allowed to march right through the pearly gates into Heaven.
Others though, were led over to Satan who threw them into the burning fire.
But every so often, instead of hurling a poor soul into the fire, Satan would
toss a soul off to one side into a small pile.

After watching Satan do this several times, the fellow's curiosity got the best of him.

So he strolled over and asked Satan what he was doing. "Excuse me,
Prince of Darkness," he said. "I'm waiting in line for Judgment, but I
couldn't help wondering. Why are you tossing those people aside instead
of flinging them into the Fires of Hell with the others?"

"Oh those . ." Satan groaned.

"They're all from Missouri. They're still too wet to burn."

[Versatile]

Deep Thoughts

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

1. Save the whales. Collect the whole set.

2. A day without sunshine is like.... Night.

3. On the other hand, you have different fingers.

4. Remember, half the people you know are below average.

5. He who laughs last thinks slowest.

6. Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.

7. Support bacteria. They're the only culture some people have.

8. A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.

9. How many of you believe in psycho kinesis?... Raise my hand.

10. OK...so what's the speed of dark?

11. When everything is coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.

12. Everyone has a photographic memory. Some just don't have film.

13. How much deeper would the ocean be without sponges.

14. What happens if you get scared half to death twice?

15. I couldn't repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder.

16. Why do psychics have to ask you for your name?

17. Inside every older person is a younger person wondering what
happened.

18. Just remember--if the world didn't suck, we would all fall off.

19. Light travels faster than sound. That is why some people appear
bright until you hear them speak.

20. Life isn't like a box of chocolates.... it's more like a jar of jalapeno's.
What you do today, might burn your butt tomorrow

[mamagator54]

A Japanese doctor said, "Medicine in my country is so advanced that we can take a kidney out of one man, put it in another, and have him looking for work in six weeks."

A German doctor said, "That's nothing, we can take a lung out of one person put it in another, and have him looking for work in four weeks."

A British doctor said, "In my country, medicine is so advanced that we can
take half of a heart out of one person, put it in another, and have them
both looking for work in two weeks."

A Texas doctor, not to be outdone said, "You guys are way behind. We took a man with no brains out of Texas, put him in the White House and now half the country is looking for work.

[Versatile]

Celibacy can be a choice in life or a condition imposed by circumstances.

While attending a marriage encounter weekend, Ray and his wife, Violet, listened to the instructor declare, "It is essential that husbands and wives know the things that are important to each other." He addressed the men, "Can you name and describe your wife's favorite flower?"

Ray leaned over, touched Violet's arm gently and whispered, it's "Pillsbury All-Purpose, isn't it?"

Thus began Ray's life of celibacy

[mamagator54]

What you actually thought there would be a picture?


No hard feelings guys.. It is just a joke.
I am married to the perfect man...He tells me so every day!

[jps]

Bubba's mother-in-law passed away and Bubba called 911. The 911 operator told Bubba that she would send someone out right away.


"Where do you live?" asked the operator.


"Eucalyptus Street" replied Bubba.


The operator asked, "Can you spell that for me?"


There was a long pause and finally Bubba said, "How 'bout I drag her over to Oak Street and you pick her up there?"

[Comeasyouare]

Ok...I'll modify this story so it applies to Missouri...bet you can't tell where I changed it...

Once upon a time in a kingdom..I mean hick town..far, far away..in Missouri..there lived a beautiful princess..I mean milkmaid..that wanted nothing more in life than to marry a handsome prince..I mean farmer..and to live happily ever after.

Well, handsome farmers were much in demand so, to console the milkmaid in her hour of need, her mother told her the story of the frog prince. The young milkmaid was so taken by the story that she began going from pond to pond, lake to lake and stream to stream throughout the kingdom...I mean county..kissing every frog in sight!

Needless to say, the young milkmaid quickly became the laughing stock of the entire county. Crowds of peasants..I mean hillbillies..would follow the poor young girl around, laughing as she kissed frog after frog.

Well, it was on a grey and cloudy day, when the milkmaid reached the last pond, the last lilly pad and the last...and by far ugliest...frog in the county.
With the hillbillies behind her laughing and jeering, the sad, young milkmaid bent down and, with a tear in her eye, whispered, "Please, oh, please, be my handsome farmer."

With that she placed a sweet, gentle kiss on his little frog lips. Suddenly, there in front of the astonised hillbillies...she fell over and died from an infectious wart on her lip.

[Versatile]

What Larry the Cable Guy says about MISSOURI
>
> If your local Dairy Queen is closed from September
> through May,
>
> you live in Missouri
>
> If someone in a Home Depot store offers you
> assistance and they don't work
> there, you live in Missouri
>
> If you've worn shorts and a parka at the same time,
> you live in Missouri
>
> If you've had a lengthy telephone conversation with
> someone who dialed a
> wrong number, you live in Missouri
>
> If 'Vacation' means going anywhere south of KANSAS
> CITY for the weekend,
>
> you live in Missouri
>
> If you measure distance in acres of farm land, you
> live in Missouri
>
> If you know several people who have hit a cow more
> than once, you live in
> Missouri
>
> If you have gone from 'heat' to 'A/C' in the same
> day and back again
>
> you live in Missouri .
>
> If you can drive 75 mph through 2 feet of snow
> during a raging blizzard
> without flinching, you live in Missouri
>
> If you install security lights on your house and
> garage, but leave both
> unlocked,
>
> you live in Missouri .
>
> If you carry jumpers in your car and your wife
> knows how to use them,
>
> you live in Missouri .
>
> If you design your kid's Halloween costume to fit
> over a snowsuit, you
> live in Missouri .
>
> If the I-29 speed limit is 75 mph-you're going
> 90 and everybody is
> passing you, you live in Missouri .
>
> If driving is better in the winter because the
> potholes are filled with
> snow, you live in Missouri .
>
> If you know all 4 seasons: almost winter, winter,
> still winter and road
> construction, you live in Missouri .
>
> If you have more hours on your snow blower than
> miles on you r car, you
> live in Missouri .
>
> If you find 10 degrees 'a little chilly', you live
> in Missouri .
>
> If you understand these jokes, and forward them to
> all your Missouri
> friends & others, you actually have lived in
> Missouri
>
>
>

[Darlynn0217]

One day,
long, long ago....

There was a woman who did not whine, ***** or nag...

But, it was long, long ago....

and it was just that one day.

[northbayeric]

CATHOLIC SCHOOL

Little Zachary was doing very badly in math. His parents
had tried everything: tutors, mentors, flash cards, special learning
centers. In short, everything they could think of to help his math.

Finally, in a last ditch effort, they took Zachary down
and enrolled him in the local Catholic school.

After the first day, little Zachary came home with a
very serious look on his face. He didn't even kiss his mother hello.
Instead, he went straight to his room and started studying. Books and
papers were spread out all over the room and little Zachary was hard at
work.

His mother was amazed. She called him down to dinner.
To her shock, the minute he was done, he marched back to his room
without a word, and in no time, he was back hitting the books as hard as
before.

This went on for some time, day after day, while the
mother tried to under! stand wh at made all the difference.

Finally, little Zachary brought home his report card.
He quietly laid it on the table, went up to his room and hit the books.

With great trepidation, his Mom looked at it and to her
great surprise, little Zachary got an "A" in math. She could no longer
hold her curiosity. She went to his room and said, "Son, what was it?
Was it the nuns?"

Little Zachary looked at her and shook his head, no.

"Well, then," she replied, "Was it the books, the
discipline, the structure, the uniforms? WHAT WAS IT ALREADY"

Little Zachary looked at her and said, "Well, on the
first day of school when I saw that guy nailed to the plus sign, I knew
they weren't fooling around."