MO folks, have any good jokes to share with us?? (sale, to buy)

[Nomadicus]

A police officer thought he had a perfect location to watch
for speeders until one day everyone was well under the speed
limit. Curious, he investigated and it didn't take long to
find the cause. A 10 year old boy was standing by the
roadside with a huge hand-painted sign reading "RADAR TRAP
AHEAD." His accomplice, about 100 yards beyond the trap, also
had a sign which read "TIPS" and a large bucket filled with
change.

[HMcD]

The CIA had an opening for an assassin. After all the background checks, interviews and testing were done, there were 3 finalists; two men and a woman.
For the final test, the FBI agents took one of the men to a large metal door and handed him a gun. 'We must know that you will follow your instructions no matter what the circumstances. Inside the room you will find your wife sitting in a chair . . . Kill her!!'
The man said, 'You can't be serious. I could never shoot my wife.'
The agent said, 'Then you're not the right man for this job. Take your wife and go home.'
The second man was given the same instructions. He took the gun and went into the room. All was quiet for a bout 5 minutes. The man came out with tears in his eyes, 'I tried, but I can't kill my wife.' The agent said, 'You don't have what it takes. Take your wife and go home.'
Finally, it was the woman's turn. She was given the same instructions, to kill her husband. She took the gun and went into the room. Shots were heard, one after another. They heard screaming, crashing, banging on the walls. After a few minutes, all was quiet. The door opened slowly and there stood the woman, wiping the sweat from her brow.
'This gun is loaded with blanks' she said. 'I had to beat him to death
with the chair.'

[Nomadicus]

An old Brethren preacher was dying. He sent a message for his Insurance
Agent and his Lawyer, both church members, to come to his home.
When they arrived, they were ushered up to his bedroom. As they entered the
room, the preacher held out his hands and motioned for them to sit on each side of
the bed. The preacher grasped their hands, sighed contentedly, smiled
and stared at the ceiling. For a time, no one said anything. Both the
Insurance Agent and Lawyer were touched and flattered that the old preacher would
ask them to be with him during his final moment. They were also puzzled;
the preacher had never given them any indication that he particularly liked
either of them. They both remembered his many long, uncomfortable sermons
about greed, covetousness and their avaricious behavior that made them squirm
in their seats.

Finally, the Insurance Agent said, "Preacher, why did you ask
the two of us to come?" The old preacher mustered up some strength, then said
weakly, "Jesus died between two thieves.....and that's how I want to go."

[Nomadicus]

A police officer in a small town stopped a motorist who
was speeding down Main Street.

"But officer," the man said, "I can explain."

"Just be quiet!!!" snapped the officer. "...or I'm going
to let you cool off in jail until the chief gets back."

"But officer, I just wanted to say...."

"And I said KEEP QUIET! You're going to jail!" A few
hours later, the officer checked up on his prisoner and said,
"Lucky for you that the chief's at his daughter's wedding.
He'll be in a good mood when he gets back."

"Don't count on it," said the man in the cell....
"I'm the groom!"

[HMcD]

An 80-year old man goes in for a physical... All of his tests come back with normal results.
The doctor says, "Chuck, everything looks great. How are you doing mentally and emotionally? Are you at peace with God?"
Chuck replies, "God and I are tight. He knows I have poor eyesight, so he's fixed it so when I get up in the middle of the night to go to the bathroom, POOF! The light goes on. When I'm done, POOF! The light goes off."
"WOW, that's incredible" the doctor says.
A little later in the day, the doctor calls Chuck's wife. "Ethel," he says, "Chuck is doing fine, but I had to call you as I am in awe of his relationship with God. Is it true that he gets up during the night and POOF! The light goes on in the bathroom, and when he's done POOF! The light goes off?"
"Oh my God!" Ethel exclaims. "He's peeing in the refrigerator again!"

[Nomadicus]

An elderly lady did her shopping and upon return found 4 males in her
car. She dropped her shopping bags and drew her handgun, proceeding
to scream at them at the top of her lungs that she "knows how to use
it and will shoot if required.... so get out of MY car!"

The 4 men didn't wait around for a second invitation. They got out
and ran like mad, where upon the lady proceeded to load her shopping
bags into the back of the car and got into the drivers seat.

Small problem: Her key wouldn't fit the ignition. Her car was
identical and parked four or five spaces further down.

She loaded her bags into her car and drove to the police station. The
sergeant that she told the story to nearly tore himself in two with
laughter and pointed to the other end of the counter where 4 pale white
males were reporting a carjacking by a mad, elderly, white woman......
No charges were filed.

[Nomadicus]

1. Never raise your hands to your kids. It leaves your groin unprotected.

2. I'm not into working out. My philosophy is no pain, no pain.

3. I'm in shape. Round is a shape.

4. I'm desperately trying to figure out why Kamikaze pilots wore helmets.

5. Do illiterate people get the full effect of alphabet soup?

6. I've always wanted to be somebody, but I should have been more specific.

7. Ever notice when you blow in a dog's face he gets mad at you, but
when you take him in a car he sticks his head out the window?

8. Ever notice that anyone going slower than you is an idiot, but
anyone going faster is a maniac?

9. You have to stay in shape. My mother started walking five miles
a day when she was 60. She's 97 now and we have no idea where she is.

10. I have six locks on my door, all in a row. When I go out, I lock
every other one. I figure no matter how long somebody stands there picking
the locks, they are always locking three of them.

11. One out of every three Americans is suffering from some form of
mental illness. Think of two of your best friends. If they are OK, then it
must be you.

12. They show you how detergents take out bloodstains. I think if
you've got a T-shirt with bloodstains all over it, maybe your laundry isn't your
biggest problem.

13. Ask people why they have deer heads on their walls and they tell
you it's because they're such beautiful animals. I think my wife is beautiful,
but I only have photographs of her on the wall.

14. A lady came up to me on the street, pointed at my suede jacket
and said, "Don't you know a cow was murdered for that jacket?" I said "I didn't
know there were any witnesses. Now I'll have to kill you too".

15. Future historians will be able to study at the Jimmy Carter
Library, the Gerald Ford Library, the Ronald Reagan Library, and the Bill Clinton
Adult Bookstore.

[Nomadicus]

A woman answered the knock at her door and found a destitute
man. He wanted to earn money by doing odd jobs, so she asked,
"Can you paint?"

"Yes," he said, "I'm a pretty good painter."

"Well, here's a gallon of green paint and a brush. Go behind
the house and you'll see a porch that needs repainting. Be very
careful. When you're done, I'll look it over and pay you what
it's worth."

It wasn't more than an hour before he knocked again.
"All finished!" he reported with a smile.

"Did you do a good job?" she asked.

"Yes, but lady, there's one thing I'd like to point out to
you. That's not a Porsche back there. That's a Mercedes!"

[Nomadicus]

DWI Texas Style


Only a person in Texas could think of this.

From the county where drunk driving is considered a
sport, comes this true story. Recently a routine
police patrol parked outside a bar in Austin , Texas
after last call the officer noticed a man leaving the
bar so apparently intoxicated that he could barely
walk.

The man stumbled around the parking lot for a few
minutes, with the officer quietly observing. After
what seemed an eternity in which he tried his keys on
five different vehicles, the man managed to find his
car and fall into it. He sat there for a few minutes
as a number of other
patrons left the bar and drove off.

Finally he started the car, switched the wipers on and
off--it was a fine, dry summer night--,flicked the
blinkers on and off a couple of times, honked the horn
and then switched on the lights. He moved the vehicle
forward a few inches, reversed a little and then
remained still for a few more minutes as some more of
the other patrons' vehicles left. At last, when his
was the only car left in the parking lot, he pulled
out and drove slowly down the road.

The police officer, having waited patiently all this
time, now started up his patrol car, put on the
flashing lights, promptly pulled the man over and
administered a breathalyzer test. To his amazement,
the breathalyzer indicated no evidence that the man
had consumed any alcohol at all!

Dumbfounded, the officer said, I'll have to ask you to
accompany me to the police station. This breathalyzer
equipment must be broken."

"I doubt it," said the truly proud Redneck. "Tonight
I'm the designated decoy."

I left it like I found it...

[HMcD]

A boy was assigned a paper on childbirth and asked his mother, "How was I born?"
"Well honey..." said the slightly prudish mother, "the stork brought you to us."
"Oh," said the boy, "and how did you and daddy get born?"
"Oh, the stork brought us too."
"Well how were grandpa and grandma born?" the boy persisted.
"Well darling, the stork brought them too!" said the mother, by now starting to squirm a little.
Several days later, the boy handed in his paper to the teacher who read with confusion the opening sentence: "This report has been very difficult to write due to the fact that there hasn't been a natural childbirth in my family for three generations."