MO folks, have any good jokes to share with us?? (Cooter: attorney, home security)

[HMcD]

The Lone Ranger and Tonto went camping in the desert. After they got
their tent all set up, both men fell sound asleep. Some hours later, Tonto woke the Lone Ranger and said, "Kemo Sabe, look towards sky, what you see?"
The Lone Ranger replied, "I see millions of stars." "What that tell you?" asked Tonto. The Lone Ranger pondered for a minute, then said, "Astronomically speaking, it tells me there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets. Astrologically, it tells me that Saturn is in Leo. Chronologically, it appears to be approximately a quarter past three in the morning. Theologically, it's evident the Lord is all-powerful and we are small and insignificant. Meteorologically, it seems we will have a beautiful day tomorrow. What does it tell you, Tonto?"
Tonto was silent for a moment, then said, "Kemo Sabe, you dumber than box of wet hair. Somebody stole tent."

[Darlynn0217]

An older, white haired man walked into a jewelry store one Friday evening
with a beautiful young gal at his side.
He told the jeweler he was looking for a special ring for his girlfriend.
The jeweler looked through his stock and brought out a $5,000 ring.
The man said, "No, I'd like to see something more special."
At that statement, the jeweler went to his special stock and brought another ring over. "Here's a stunning ring at only $40,000" the jeweler said.
The young lady's eyes sparkled and her whole body trembled with excitement.
The old man seeing this said, "We'll take it."
The jeweler asked how payment would be made and the old man stated,"by check.
I know you need to make sure my check is good, so I'll write it now and you can call the bank Monday to verify the funds and I'll pick the ring up Monday afternoon," he said.
Monday morning, the jeweler phoned the old man. "There's no money in that account." "I know," said the old man, "But let me tell you about my weekend!"

[Nomadicus]

A young guy moves from Edmonton to Vancouver and
goes to a big department store looking for a job.
The manager says, " Do you have any sales
experience?"

The young fella says " Yeah, I was a salesman back
home." Well, the boss liked the kid, so he gave him the
job. "You start tomorrow. I'll come down after we close
and see how you did."

His first day on the job was rough, but he got
through it. After the store was locked up, the boss came down.
"How many sales did you make today?" The kid says "One."
The boss says "Just one? Our sales people average 20
or 30 sales a day. How much was the sale for?"

The kid says "$101,237.64."

The boss says "$101,237.64?? What did you sell him?"
The kid says "First I sold him a small fish hook.
Then I sold him a medium fish hook. Then I sold him a larger
fish hook. Then I sold him a new fishing rod. Then I asked him
where he was going fishing, and he said down the
coast, so I told him he was gonna need a boat, so we went
to the boat department, and I sold him that twin-engine Chris
Craft. Then he said he didn't think his Honda
Civic would pull it, so I took him down to the
automotive department and sold him that 4X4 Blazer."
The boss said, "A guy comes in here to buy a fish
hook and you sold him a boat and a truck?"

"No" says the kid, " he came in for a box of tampons
for his wife and I said, " Well, since your weekend's shot,
you might as well go fishing."

[Nomadicus]

"I wanna go to Dunkin Donuts"

[HMcD]

Jack wakes up with a huge hangover after the night at a business function. He forces himself to open his eyes and the first thing he sees is a couple of aspirins next to a glass of water on the side table. And, next to them, a single red rose!

Jack sees his clothing in front of him, all clean and pressed. Jack looks around the room and sees that it is in perfect order, spotlessly clean. So is the rest of the house. He takes the aspirins and cringes when he sees a huge black eye staring back at him in the bathroom mirror and notices a note on the table:

"Honey, breakfast is on the stove, I left early to go shopping - Love
you!"

He stumbles to the kitchen and sure enough, there is hot breakfast and the morning newspaper. His son is also at the table. Jack asks, "Son, what happened last night?"

Well, you came home after 3 am, drunk out of your mind. You broke the coffee table, puked in the hallway and got that black eye when you ran into the door."

So, why is everything in such perfect order, so clean, I have a rose and breakfast is on the table waiting for me?"

His son replies, "Oh, THAT! Mom dragged you to the bedroom and when she tried to take your pants off, you screamed, "Leave me alone, *****, I'm married!".

[Nomadicus]

A yourg FL highway patrol officer still green out of the academy has just received his first assignment as prisoner transport specialist. His mission day #1 was to retrieve an escapee found in Texas. He arrive a day early and had to wait on the red tape to be completed so he decided to spend the evening safe and sound at his really nice hotel. Lonelyness got the best of him so he decided to go to the bar for just on little martini for a night cap. After all he was a responsible adult now. He took his seat and informed the bartender he wanted just one but the best martini Texas had to offer. When it was placed in front of him he was total taken aback. It came in a glass as big as a fishbowl and had an olive like a golf ball. The young officers first ? was where did such a large olive come from. The bartender replied, "Son, everything is bigger and better in Texas". That was explanation enough about the olive but now for the glass. He got the same answer, "Things are just bigger and better in Texas". Just as he finished the last drop of that Texas martini nature came a calling. Not knowing the bartender was directionally challenged he ask for the location of the men's room. "Down the hall on the left" the bartender replied. After a minute the new bartender realized his error, and went to make good on his directions. To late. The men's room was on the right. The swimming pool on the left. When the bartender got to the pool all could be heard was screems of "Please don't flush it".

[jps]

A cop sees a drunk walking down the street. He says, "Hey, Buddy, you're a little loaded, you ought to go get some coffee". The guy says, "Man, I sure am glad I ran into you officer. See, somebody just stole my car." The cop says, "Where was the car when you last saw it?" The guy says, "Right on the end of this key." The cop looks at the key and says, "Well, go two blocks down to Station House #4 and report it to the desk sergeant." The guy says, "Thanks, officer. You been a big help. I'm headed that way right now." The cop looks down at the guys pants and says, "Hey buddy, before you go, you better zip up your fly." The guy looks down at his pants and says, "Aw man, they got my girl too."

[tambre]

My wonderful girlfriend and I had been dating for over a year, and
so we decided to get married. There was only one little thing
bothering me

It was her beautiful younger sister My prospective sister-in-law
was twenty-two, wore very tight miniskirts, and generally was bra-less.
One day "little" sister called and asked me to come over to check the wedding invitations.
She was alone when I arrived, and she whispered to me that she had
feelings and desires for me that she couldn't overcome.

She told me that she wanted to make love to me just once before I
got married and committed my life to her sister.

Well, I was in total shock, and couldn't say a word.

She said, "I'm going upstairs to my bedroom, and if you want one
last wild f ling, just come up and get me." I was stunned and frozen
in shock as I watched her go up the stairs.


When she reached the top she pulled off her panties and threw
them down the stairs at me.

I stood there for a moment, then turned and made a beeline straight
to the front door. I opened the door, and headed straight towards my
car.

Lord and behold, my entire future family was standing outside, all
clapping!

With tears in his eyes, my future father-in-law hugged me and said,
we are very happy that you have passed our little test.....we couldn't ask
for a better man for our daughter. Welcome to the family."

And the moral of this story is: Always keep your condoms in
your car..

[Darlynn0217]

A man notices that his coworker is wearing an earring. This man knows his coworker to be a normally conservative fellow, and is curious about his sudden change in "fashion sense".


So, he says, "I didn't know you were into earrings."

"Don't make a big deal of it, it's only an earring," the coworker replies peevishly.


His friend falls silent for a few minutes, but then his curiosity prods him to ask, "So, how long have you been wearing one?"


"Ever since my wife found it in my truck."




I always wondered how this trend got started, and now I know.

[Ciaerin]

Underwear dust

>
> One evening a husband, thinking he was being funny, said to
> his wife 'Perhaps we should start washing your clothes
> in Slim
> Fast.




>
> Maybe it would take a few inches off of your butt!'
>
>
>
> His wife was not amused, and decided that she simply
> couldn't let such a comment go unrewarded.




>
>
>
>
>
> The next morning the husband took a pair of underwear out
> of his drawer.




>
> 'What the Hell is this??' he said to himself as a
> little 'dust' cloud
> appeared when he shook them out.




>
>
>
>
>
> 'April,' he hollered into the bathroom, 'why
> did you put talcum powder
> in my
> underwear?'
>
>
>
> She replied ...'It's not talcum
> powder......It's 'Miracle Grow'
>