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Old 08-05-2008, 09:06 AM
Status: "WALK IF YA GOTTEM" (set 7 days ago)
 
7,038 posts, read 4,863,299 times
Reputation: 2339
A man boarded a plane with 6 kids. After they got settled in their seats
a woman sitting across the aisle from him leaned over to him and asked,
'Are all of those kids yours?'

He replied, 'No. I work for a condom company. These are customer
complaints.'
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Old 08-05-2008, 09:21 AM
 
Location: Where Trolls get BBQ'd
131,636 posts, read 42,878,637 times
Reputation: 114044
Quote:
Originally Posted by Versatile View Post
A man boarded a plane with 6 kids. After they got settled in their seats
a woman sitting across the aisle from him leaned over to him and asked,
'Are all of those kids yours?'

He replied, 'No. I work for a condom company. These are customer
complaints.'
Just to funny. Reminds me of the time My wife and I took 5 of my younger cousins to a dinner and lined them up on the stools at the counter like stairsteps. What caused it to be such a spectacle she was about 8 months along with our first...
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Old 08-05-2008, 06:43 PM
 
Location: Peoples Republic of Cali
9,579 posts, read 4,701,321 times
Reputation: 5368
THE WEDDING TEST

I was a very happy man. My wonderful girlfriend and I had been dating for over a year, and so we decided to get married.

There was only one little thing bothering me...It was her beautiful younger sister.

My prospective sister-in-law was twe nty-two, wore very tight miniskirts, and generally was bra-less. It had to be deliberate.



One day her 'little' sister called and asked m e to come over to check the wedding invitations. She was alone when I arrived, and she whispered to me that she had feelings and desires for me that she couldn't overcome.

She told me that she wanted me just once before I got married and committed my life to her sister..

Well, I was in total shock, and couldn't say a word.


She said, 'I'm going upstairs to my bedroom, and if you want one last wild fling, just come up and get me.' I was stunned and frozen in shock as I watched her go up the stairs. I stood there for a moment, then turned and made a beeline straight to the front door. I opened the door and headed straight towards my car. Lo and behold, my entire future family was standing outside, all clapp ing!

With tears in his eyes, my father-in-law hugged me and said, 'We are very happy that you have passed our little test. We couldn't ask for a better man for our daughter. Welcome to the family.'

And the moral of this story is:







Always keep your condoms in your car.
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Old 08-07-2008, 08:20 AM
 
Location: I love the Ozarks
1,150 posts, read 1,487,597 times
Reputation: 1971
A man walks into a restaurant with a full-grown ostrich behind him.
As he sits, the waitress comes over and asks for their orders.

The man says, "I'll have a hamburg er, fries and a coke," and turns
to the ostrich, "What's yours?"

"I'll have the same," says the ostrich.

A short time later the waitress returns with the order. "That will
be $6.40 please," and the man reaches into his pocket and pulls out
the exact change for payment.

The next day, the man and the ostrich come again and the man says,
"I'll have a hamburger, fries and a coke," and the ostrich says,
"I'll have the same."

Once again the man reaches into his pocket and pays with exact
change.

This becomes a routine until late one evening, the two enter again.

"The usual?" asks the waitress.

"No, this is Friday night, so I will have a steak, baked potato and
salad," says the man, "same for me," says the ostrich.

A short time later the waitress comes with the order and says, "That
will be $12.62." Once again the man pulls exact chan ge out of his
pocket and places it on the table.

The waitress can't hold back her curiosity any longer.

"Excuse me, sir. How do you manage to always come up with the exact
change out of your pocket every time?"

"Well," says the man, "several years ago I was cleaning the attic
and I found an old lamp. When I rubbed it a Genie appeared and
offered me two wishes.

My first wish was that if I ever had to pay for anything, I would
just put my hand in my pocket and the right amount of money would
always be there."

"That's brilliant!" says the waitress. "Most people would wish for a
million dollars or something, but you'll always be as rich as you
want for as long as you live!"

"That's right. Whether it's a gallon of milk or a Rolls Royce, the
exact money is always there," says the man.

The waitress asks, "One other thing, sir, what's with the ostrich?"

The man sighs, pauses, and answers,

"My second wish was for a tall chick with long legs who agrees with
everything I say."
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Old 08-08-2008, 11:06 AM
 
Location: I love the Ozarks
1,150 posts, read 1,487,597 times
Reputation: 1971
How To Install A Home Security System In Missouri
1. Go to a second-hand store and buy a pair of men's used size 14-16 work boots.
2. Place them on your front porch, along with a copy of Guns and Ammo Magazine.
3. Put a few giant dog dishes next to the boots and magazines.
4. Leave a note on your door that reads: Hey Bubba, Me, Big Jim, Duke and Slim went for more ammunition. Back in an hour. Don't mess with the pit bulls – they attacked the mailman this morning and messed him up real bad. I don't think Killer took part in it but it was hard to tell from all the blood. Anyway, I locked all four of 'em in the house. Better wait outside. "Cooter"

Last edited by ShadowCaver; 08-08-2008 at 10:31 PM.. Reason: removed formatting/colour codes
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Old 08-12-2008, 04:02 PM
 
Location: Beautiful Table Rock Lake
870 posts, read 1,947,976 times
Reputation: 855
Marriage Proverbs for those thinking of 'tying the knot.'. . .


1: Marriages are made in heaven, but so again are
thunder and lightning.

2: If you want your spouse to listen and pay strict
attention to every word you say, talk in your sleep.

3: Marriage is grand -- and divorce is at least 100
grand!

4: Married life is very frustrating. In the first
year of marriage, the man speaks and the woman listens. In the
second year, the woman speaks and the man listens. In the third
year, they both speak and the neighbors listen.

5: When a man opens the door of his car for his wife, you can be
sure of one
thing: Either the car is new or the wife is.

6: Marriage is when a man and woman become as one; the trouble
starts when they try to decide which one.

7: Before marriage, a man will lie awake all night
thinking about something you said. After marriage, he
will fall asleep before you finish.

8: Every man wants a wife who is beautiful,
understanding, economical, and is a good cook, but the law allows
only one wife.

9: Every woman wants a man who is handsome,
understanding, economical and a considerate lover, but
again, the law allows only one husband.

10: Man is incomplete until he marries. After that,
he is finished.
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Old 08-15-2008, 08:25 AM
 
Location: Beautiful Table Rock Lake
870 posts, read 1,947,976 times
Reputation: 855
MENTAL HOSPITAL PHONE MENU

Hello, and thank you for calling The State Mental Hospital.

Please select from the following options menu:

If you are obsessive-compulsive, press 1 repeatedly .

If you are co-dependent, please ask someone to press 2 for you.

If you have multiple personalities, press 3, 4, 5 and 6 .

If you are paranoid, we know who you are and what you want, stay on the line so we can trace your call .

If you are delusional, press 7 and your call will be forwarded to the Mother Ship .

If you are schizophrenic, listen carefully and a little voice will tell you which number to press .

If you are manic-depressive, it doesn't matter which number you press, nothing will make you happy anyway .

If you are dyslexic, press 9696969696969696 .

If you are bipolar, please leave a message after the beep or before the beep or after the beep . Please wait for the beep ..

If you have short-term memory loss, press 9 . If you have short-term memory loss, press 9 . If you have short-term memory loss, press 9

If you have low self-esteem, please hang up, our operators are too busy to talk with you.

If you are menopausal, put the gun down, hang up, turn on the fan, lie down and cry . You won't be crazy forever .

If you are blonde, don't press any buttons, you'll just mess it up.
************************************************** *****
This coming week is National Mental Health Care week .
You can do your part by remembering to contact at least one unstable person to show you care . Well, my job is done . . . . .
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Old 08-23-2008, 04:24 PM
 
2,886 posts, read 4,474,527 times
Reputation: 4902
A Mafia Godfather finds out that his bookkeeper has cheated him out of ten million bucks. His bookkeeper is deaf. That was the reason he got the job in the first place. It was assumed that a deaf bookkeeper would not hear anything that he might have to testify about in court. When the Godfather goes to confront the bookkeeper about his missing $10 million, he brings along his attorney, who knows sign language.

The Godfather tells the lawyer, "Ask him where the 10 million bucks he embezzled from me is."

The attorney, using sign language, asks the bookkeeper where the money is.

The bookkeeper signs back, "I don't know what you are talking about."

The attorney tells the Godfather, "He says he doesn't know what you're talking about."

The Godfather pulls out a pistol, puts it the bookkeeper's temple and says, "Ask him again!"

The attorney signs to the bookkeeper, "He'll kill you if you don't tell him!"

The bookkeeper signs back, "OK! You win! The money is in a brown briefcase, buried behind the shed in my cousin Enzo's backyard in Queens!"

The Godfather asks the attorney, "Well, what'd he say?"

The attorney replies, "He says you don't have the balls to pull the trigger."
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Old 08-24-2008, 09:49 PM
 
8,520 posts, read 7,019,325 times
Reputation: 6535
Here's one! I didn't have to read through all the posts so hope it's not a repeat.

A girl from Missouri and a girl from the east coast were seated side by side on an airplane. The girl from Missouri being friendly and all, said 'So,where ya from?' The east coast girl said, 'From a place where they know better then to use a preposition at the end of a sentence.'

The girl from Missouri sat quietly for a few moments and then replied:

'So, where ya from, b*tch?'
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Old 08-29-2008, 12:43 PM
 
Location: Hawaii
149 posts, read 247,208 times
Reputation: 175
A woman and a baby were in the doctor's examining room, waiting for the doctor to come in for the baby's first exam.
The doctor arrived, and examined the baby, checked his weight, and being a little concerned, asked if the baby was breast-fed or bottle-fed.
'Breast-fed,' she replied.
'Well, strip down to your waist,' the doctor ordered. She did. He pinched her nipples, pressed, kneaded, and rubbed both breasts for a while in a very professional and detailed examination.
Motioning to her to get dressed, the doctor said, 'No wonder this baby is underweight. You don't have any milk.'
I know,' she said, 'I'm his Grandma, but I'm glad I came.'
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