MO folks, have any good jokes to share with us?? (cost, floor)

[Versatile]

A husband and wife are shopping in their local Krogers and the husband picks up a case of Budweiser and puts it in their cart.

'What do you think you're doing?' asks the wife.

'They're on sale, only $10 for 24 cans,' he replies.

'Put them back, we can't afford them,' demands the wife and so they carry on shopping.

A few aisles further on along the woman picks up a $20 jar of face cream and puts it in the cart.

'What do you think you're doing?' asks the husband.

'Its my face cream. It makes me look beautiful,' replies the wife.

Her husband retorts: 'So does 24 cans of Budweiser and its half the price'...

That's when the fight started..

[Versatile]

A lady goes to her priest one day and tells him. "Father, I have a problem. I have two female parrots, but they only know how to say one thing."

"What do they say?" the priest inquired.

They say, "Hi, we’re hookers! Do you want to have some fun?"

"That’s obscene!" the priest exclaimed. Then he thought for a moment.
"You know," he said, "I may have a solution to your problem. I have two male talking parrots, which I have taught to pray and read the Bible. Bring your two parrots over to my house, and we’ll put them in the cage with Francis and Peter. My parrots can teach your parrots to praise and worship, and your parrots are sure to stop saying that phrase in no time."

"Thank you," the woman responded, "this may very well be the solution."

The next day, she brought her female parrots to the priest’s house. As he ushered her in, she saw that his two male parrots were inside their cage holding rosary beads and praying. Impressed, she walked over and placed her parrots in with them.

After a few minutes, the female parrots cried out in unison: "Hi, we’re hookers! Do you want to have some fun?"

There was stunned silence.

Shocked, one male parrot looked over at the other male parrot and exclaimed, "Put the beads away, Frank. Our prayers have been answered!"

[Versatile]

After a few years of married life , a man finds he is unable to perform.

He goes to a witchdoctor who tells him I can cure this but it is very powerful and can not be used but once a year.

All you have to do is say 123 and it shall rise as long as you wish.

The guy asks the witchdoctor what happens when it is over?

Witchdoctor says all you or your partner have to say is 1234 and it will go down but be warned it will not work again for 1 year.

The guy goes home & is ready to surprise his wife with the good news. He gets in bed and says 123 and gets an erection.

His wife turns over and says what did you say 123 for ?

[HMcD]

A man walks into a bar and asks the bartender, "If I show you a really good trick, will you give me a free drink?" The bartender considers it, and then agrees. The man reaches into his pocket and pulls out a tiny rat. He reaches into his other pocket and pulls out a tiny piano. The rat stretches, cracks his knuckles, and proceeds to play the blues.
After the man finished his drink, he asked the bartender, "If I show you an even better trick, will you give me free drinks for the rest of the evening?" The bartender agrees, thinking that no trick could possibly be better than the first. The man reaches into his pocket and pulls out a tiny rat. He reaches into his other pocket and pulls out a tiny piano. The rat stretches, cracks his knuckles, and proceeds to play the blues. The man reaches into another pocket and pulls out a small bullfrog, which begins to sing along with the rat's music.
While the man is enjoying his free drinks, a stranger confronts him and offers him £100,000 for the bullfrog. "Sorry," the man replies, "he's not for sale." The stranger increases the offer to £250,000 cash up front. "No," he insists, "he's not for sale." The stranger again increases the offer, this time to £500,000 cash. The man finally agrees, and turns the frog over to the stranger in exchange for the money.
"Are you insane?" the bartender demanded. "That frog could have been worth millions to you, and you let him go for a mere £500,000!"
"Don't worry about it." the man answered. "The frog was really nothing special. You see, the rat's a ventriloquist.

[HMcD]

Bubba and Junior were standing at the base of a flagpole, looking up.
A woman walked by and asked what they were doing. "We're supposed to find the height of the flagpole," said Bubba, "but we don't have a ladder." The woman took a wrench from her purse, loosened a few bolts, and laid the pole down. Then she took a tape measure from her pocket, took a measurement and announced, "Eighteen feet, six inches," and walked away.
Junior shook his head and laughed. "Ain't that just like a dumb blonde! We ask for the height, and she gives us the length!"

[20yrsinBranson]

First of all, I have not READ all 300+ responses in this thread, SOOOOOO if, perchance this joke is a duplicate, I ask you indulgence and apologies....


It was a particularly bad year for ticks in the SW Missouri Ozarks. Every evening after outdoor play time the kids would be closely examined for any interlopers.

One evening little Jimmy, 3 years old, did not seem interested in his favorite meal of Kraft Macaroni and Cheese. Fearing that he was coming down with something, mother felt his forehead and he seemed fine.

Mother asks Jimmy.... "Son, why aren't you hungry?"
Jimmy... "I don't know"
Mother "Jimmy, did you eat anything before dinner?"
Jimmy nods head, sheepishly
Mother, "What?"
Jimmy.......... (scroll down for the punchline)

















"I was eating grapes off the dog".




ewwwwwwwwww

20yrsinBranson

[Versatile]

One evening last week, my girlfriend and I were getting into bed. Well, the passion starts to heat up, and she eventually says, 'I don't feel like it, I just want you to hold me.' I said, 'WHAT??!! What was that?!' So she says the words that every boyfriend on the planet dreads to hear... 'You're just not in touch with my emotional needs as a woman enough for me to satisfy your physical needs as a man.' She responded to my puzzled look by saying, 'Can't you just love me for who I am and not what I do for you in the bedroom?' Realizing that nothing was going to happen that night, I went to sleep. The very next day I opted to take the day off of work to spend time with her. We went out to a nice lunch and then went shopping at a big, big unnamed department store. I walked around with her while she tried on several different very expensive outfits. She couldn't decide which one to take, so I told her we'd just buy them all. She wanted new shoes to compliment her new clothes, so I said, 'Lets get a pair for each outfit.' We went on to the jewellery department where she picked out a pair of diamond earrings. Let me tell you... She was so excited. She must have thought I was one wave short of a shipwreck. I started to think she was testing me because she asked for a tennis bracelet when she doesn't even know how to play tennis. I think I threw her for a loop when I said, 'That's fine, honey.' She was almost nearing sexual satisfaction from all of the excitement. Smiling with excited anticipation, she finally said, 'I think this is all Dear, let's go to the cashier.' I could hardly contain myself when I blurted out, 'No honey, I don't feel like it.' Her face just went completely blank as her jaw dropped with a baffled, 'WHAT?' I then said, 'Honey! I just want you to HOLD this stuff for a while. You're just not in touch with my financial needs as a man enough for me to satisfy your shopping needs as a woman.' And just when she had this look like she was going to kill me, I added, 'Why can't you just love me for who I am and not for the things I buy you?' Apparently I'm not having sex tonight either!

[Versatile]

I rear-ended a car this morning. So there we are alongside the road and
slowly the driver gets out of the car . . .

Well, I could NOT believe it . . he was a DWARF! He storms over to my car,
looks up at me and says, "I AM NOT HAPPY!"

So, I look down at him and say, "Well, which one are you then?"... and
THAT'S when the fight started

[Versatile]

"an email sent to a guy, by his dad"

Working people frequently ask retired people what they do to make their days interesting.

Well, for example, the other day your mom and I went into town and went into a shop. We were only in there for about 5 minutes. When we came out, there was a cop writing out a parking ticket. We went up to him and said, "Come on mate, how about giving a senior citizen a break?" He ignored us and continued writing the ticket. I called him a Nazi t*rd. He glared at me and started writing another ticket for having worn tires.

So your mom called him a sh*thead. He finished the second ticket and put it on the windshield with the first. Then he started writing a third ticket. This went on for about 20 minutes. The more we abused him, the more tickets he wrote.

Personally, we didn't care. We came into town by bus. We try to have a little fun each day now that we're retired. It's important at our age .

[Versatile]

Who is your real friend ? This is an experiment that really works

If you do not believe me try it

Put your spouse and your dog in your car trunk for an hour

When you open the trunk who is really happy to see you