MO folks, have any good jokes to share with us?? (food, baptist)

[HMcD]

On a Presidential visit to a Missouri chicken farm, the President and Mrs. Coolidge were very impressed with a particularly industrious rooster.
Mrs. Coolidge asked the guide "Does he do this all day long?"
The farm owner assured her that he did, day after day.
Mrs. Coolidge said "Please tell the President that"
The President, after a moments reflection, asked "Was this with the same hen every time?"
"Nope", said the farmer, "different hen every time."
The President smiled, "Please inform Mrs. Coolidge."

[HMcD]

Murphy was staggering home with a pint of booze in his
back pocket when he slipped and fell. Struggling to his
feet, he felt something wet running down his leg. “Please
Lord,” he implored, “let it be blood.”

and .....

An Irishman arrived at J.F.K. Airport and wandered
about the terminal with tears streaming down his cheeks.
An airline employee asked him if he was already homesick.
“No,” replied the Irishman. “I’ve lost all me luggage!”
“How’d that happen?”
“The cork fell out,” said the Irishman.

[HMcD]

With my advanced age, I have trimmed down my dietary rules.
For your edification, here they are;

1. If no one sees you eat something, it has no calories.

2. When drinking a Diet Coke with a chocolate bar, the Diet Coke cancels out the sugar in the chocolate bar.

3. When you eat with someone else, calories don’t count if you do not eat more than they do.

4. Food used for medicinal purposes does not count (for example, hot chocolate, buttered toast, twice-baked potatoes, and brandy.)

5. If you fatten up the people around you, you are automatically thinner by comparison.

6. Movie theater foods have a zero calorie count as they are part of the entertainment package and not counted as food intake. This includes popcorn, Butterfingers, and ice cream.

7. Cookie pieces have no calories because breaking the cookies up causes calorie leakage.

8. Foods licked from spoons and forks have no fat if you are in the process of cooking something.

9. Anything eaten while standing has no calories due to gravity and the density of the caloric mass.

10. Food consumed from someone else’s plate has no fat as it rightfully belongs to the other person and will cling to his or her plate.

[HMcD]

Coach Bobby Ross had put together the perfect Detroit Lions team. The only thing he was missing was a good quarterback. He had scouted all the colleges, and even the high schools, but he couldn’t find a ringer quarterback who could
ensure a Super Bowl win.

Then one night, while watching CNN, he saw a war-zone scene in Bosnia. In one corner of the background, he spotted a young Bosnian soldier with a truly incredible arm. He threw a hand grenade straight into a 15th-story window 200
yards away -- ka-boom!
“I’ve got to get this guy!” Ross said to himself. “He has the perfect arm!”
So, he brings him to the States and teaches him the great game of football, and the Detroit Lions go on to win the Super Bowl for the first time in history.
The young Bosnian is lionized as the Great Hero of football, and when Ross asks him what he wants, all the young man wants to do is to call his mother. “Mom,” he says into the phone, “I just won the Super Bowl.”
“I don’t want to talk to you,” the old woman says. “You deserted us. You are not my son.”
“I don’t think you understand, Mother!” the young man pleads. “I just won the greatest sporting event in the world. I’m here among thousands of my adoring fans.”
“No, let me tell you,” the mother retorts. “At this very moment, there are gunshots all around us. The neighborhood is a pile of rubble. Your two brothers were beaten within an inch of their lives last week, and this week your sister was kidnapped in broad daylight.”

The old lady pauses, and then tearfully says “...I’ll never forgive you for making us move to Detroit.”

[HMcD]

A blonde, who has never ridden before and has never had lessons, decides that she is going to go horseback riding. She mounts the horse unassisted and immediately the horse starts to gallop at a nice steady pace. The blonde, however, is bouncing from side-to-side.

She tries to grab the horse’s mane, but she can’t get a secure hold. Then she leans forward and throws her arms around the horse’s neck. All to no avail. The horse gallops on oblivious to its rider’s plight. The blonde starts to slip
from the saddle and is holding on to the side of the horse. Finally, she decides to throw herself free. Unfortunately, her foot gets caught in the stirrup and as the horse gallops on, her head is banging up and down on the ground.

Just as she’s about to lose consciousness, her quarter runs out.

(I could sure use some help on this thread.)

[HMcD]

The Missouri farmer and his wife were shown into the dentist's office where he made it clear he was in a big hurry.
“No fancy stuff, Doctor,” he ordered. No gas, no needles, or any of that stuff. Just pull the tooth and get it over with.”
“I wish more of my patients were as stoic as you,” said the dentist admiringly. “Now, which tooth is it?”
The farmer turned to his wife and said, “Show him, Becky.”

[HMcD]

A professor at the University of Missouri is giving a lecture on the supernatural. To get a feel for his audience, he asks: “How many people here believe in ghosts?”
About 90 students raise their hands.
“Well that's a good start. Out of those of you who believe in ghosts, do any of you think you've ever seen a ghost?”
About 40 students raise their hands.
“That's really good. I'm really glad you take this seriously. Has anyone here ever talked to a ghost?”
15 students raise their hands.
“That's a great response. Has anyone here ever touched a ghost?”
3 students raise their hands.
“That's fantastic. But let me ask you one question further... Have any of you ever made love to a ghost?”
One student way in the back raises his hand.
The professor is astonished. He takes off his glasses, takes a step back, and says, “Son, all the years I've been giving this lecture, no one has ever claimed to have slept with a ghost. You've got to come up here and tell us about your experience.”
The student replies with a nod and a grin, and begins to make his way up to the podium. As he ambles slowly toward the podium the professor says, “Well, tell us what it's like to have sex with a ghost.”
The student replies,” Ghost? Shucks..... From way back there I thought you said 'goats.'”

[Missouri Mule]

The other day a bought of Depression hit me, so I called the Suicide Prevention Line. Unknown to me, I did not know the the Suicide Prevention Line had its call center located in Pakistan.

I advised the operator that I was suicidal, there was a great commotion in the back ground. After about 20 secs or so the Operator ask "Can you drive a truck"

[Missouri Mule]

A little boy asked his grandmother, how old are you?
Grandma replied "That is a question you never ask a woman."

A little while later the child ask Grandma "How much do you weigh?"
Grandma replied "That is another question you should never ask a woman."

Later the child again asked grandma "Why did grandpa leave you?"
Grandma advised Young man that is none of your business!"

The child responded "I already know the answers to my questions." Grandma said "how's that young man."
Well grandma I got them off your drivers license. Your 63 years old, weigh 163 pounds and got a F in sex.

[Nomadicus]

Thanks guys...My funny bone has been tickled today...Most appreciated.