MO folks, have any good jokes to share with us?? (Northwoods: calculator, pit bulls)

[HMcD]

A local United Way office realized that it had never received a donation from the town’s most successful lawyer. The person in charge of contributions made a call on him to persuade him to contribute.
“Our research shows that out of a yearly income of at least $500,000, you give not a penny to charity. Wouldn’t you like to give back to the community in
some way?”
The lawyer mulled this over for a moment and replied, “First, did your research also show that my mother is dying after a long illness, and has medical bills that are several times her annual income?”
Embarrassed, the United Way representative mumbled, “Um...no.”
“Or that my brother, a disabled veteran, is blind, and confined to a wheelchair?”
The stricken United Way rep began to stammer out an apology but was interrupted.
“Or that my sister’s husband died in a traffic accident,” the lawyer’s voice rising in indignation, “leaving her penniless with three children?”
The humiliated UnitedWay rep, completely beaten, was getting up to leave and said simply, “I had no idea...”
On a roll, the lawyer cut him off once again. “So, if I don’t give any money to them, why should I give any to you?”

[HMcD]

Little Tim was in his back yard filling in a hole when his neighbor peered over the fence.
Interested in what the youngster was doing, he politely asked, “What are you up to there, Tim?”
Tim replied, “My goldfish died and I’ve just buried him.”
The concerned neighbor said, “That’s an awfully big hole for a goldfish, isn’t it?”
Tim patted down the last heap of earth then replied, “That’s because he’s inside your cat.”

[HMcD]

A Chain Letter
This chain letter was started in hopes of bringing relief to other tired and discouraged women. Unlike most chain letters, this one does not cost anything. Just send a copy of this letter to five of your friends who are equally tired and discontented. Then bundle up your husband and send him to the woman whose name appears at the top of the list, and add your name to the bottom.

When your turn comes you will receive 16,255 men. One of them is bound to be better than what you already have. At the time of writing this, a friend of
mine had already received 184 men. Four of them were worth keeping.
Remember, this chain letter brings luck. You can be lucky too, so do not break this chain. One woman broke the chain and received her husband back. She was not happy.

[Lake Junkie]

Water to Wine

An Irish priest is driving down to New York
and gets stopped for speeding..
The state trooper smells alcohol on the priest's breath
and then sees an empty wine bottle on the floor of the car..

He says, "Sir, have you been drinking?"

"Just water," says the priest.

The trooper says, "Then why do I smell wine?"

The priest looks at the bottle and says,
"Good Lord! He's done it again!"

[Lake Junkie]

A US Congressman is up for re-election and out on the campaign trail. He's driving by an Indian reservation and decides to stop in and stump for votes. A crowd of tribe members surrounds him as he gets started. "I will lower your taxes, get you good jobs, and make sure your kids are healthy and educated", said the Congressman.

"Oom Galla Galla", answered the tribe. "

I'll make sure you have more money so you can purchase a new F150 truck!" said the Congressman.

"Oom Galla Galla", cheered the tribe.

"Together, we can bring the casinos in so your tribe will enjoy perpetual wealth!" said the Congressman.

"Oom Galla Galla", thundered the tribe.

After a few more grand promises and louder cheers of "Oom Galla Galla" from the crowd, the Congressman is offered a tour of the reservation, which he readily accepts.

He notices a herd of fat and healthy cattle and asks, "Chief, May I go take a closer look at your heifers and steers?" to which the Chief smilingly replied, "Sure, but don't step in the Oom Galla Galla".

[HMcD]

On a bright, beautiful Sunday morning, everyone in the tiny town of Roby, Missouri got up early and went to the local church. Before the services started, the townspeople were sitting in their pews and talking about their lives, their families, etc. Suddenly, Satan appeared at the front of the church. Everyone started screaming and running for the front entrance, trampling each other in a frantic effort to get away from the evil incarnate. Soon everyone was evacuated from the church, except for one elderly gentleman who sat calmly in his pew, not moving, and seemingly oblivious to the fact that God’s ultimate enemy was in his presence. Now this confused Satan a bit, so he walked up to the man and said, “Don’t you know who I am?”
The man replied, “Yep, sure do.”
Satan asked, “Aren’t you afraid of me?”
“Nope, sure ain’t,” said the man.
Satan was a little perturbed at this and queried, “Why aren’t you afraid of me?”
The man calmly replied. “Been married to your sister for over 48 years.”

[HMcD]

A blonde who has never ridden before and has never had lessons decides that she is going to go horseback riding. She mounts the horse unassisted and immediately the horse starts to gallop at a nice steady pace. The blonde, however, is bouncing from side-to-side.
She tries to grab the horse’s mane, but she can’t get a secure hold. Then she leans forward and throws her arms around the horse’s neck. All to no avail. The horse gallops on oblivious to its rider’s plight. The blonde starts to slip from the saddle and is holding on to the side of the horse. Finally, she decides to throw herself free. Unfortunately, her foot gets caught in the stirrup and as the horse gallops on, her head is banging up and down on the ground. Just as she’s about to lose consciousness, her quarter runs out.

[HMcD]

Children's Books That Did Not Make It

• You Are Different and That’s Bad
• The Boy Who Died From Eating All His Vegetables
• Dad’s New Wife Robert
• Fun four-letter Words to Know and Share
• The Kids’ Guide to Hitchhiking
• Curious George and the High-Voltage Fence
• The Little Sissy Who Snitched
• Some Kittens Can Fly
• The Pop-Up Book of Human Anatomy
• Strangers Have the Best Candy
• Whining, Kicking, and Crying to Get Your Way
• You Were an Accident
• Things Rich Kids Have, But You Never Will
• Pop! Goes The Gerbil And Other Great Microwave Games
• The Man in the Moon Is Actually Satan
• Your Nightmares Are Real
• Eggs, Toilet Paper, and Your School
• Why Can’t Mr. Fork and Ms. Electrical Outlet Be Friends?
• Places Where Mommy and Daddy Hide Neat Things
• Daddy Drinks Because You Cry

[HMcD]

A young punker gets on the crosstown bus. He’s got spiked, multicolored hair that’s green, purple, and orange. His clothes are a tattered mix of leather rags. His legs are bare and he’s without shoes. His entire face and body are riddled with pierced jewelry and his earrings are big, bright feathers. He sits down in the only vacant seat, directly across from an old man who just sits and glares at him for the next 10 miles.
Finally, the punker gets self-conscious and barks at the old man: “What are you looking at, you old fart? Didn’t you ever do anything wild when you were young?”
Without missing a beat, the old man replies, “Yeah. Back when I was young and in the Navy, I got really drunk one night in Singapore and had sex with a parrot. I thought maybe you were my son.”

Remember: One useless man is a shame, two is a scandal, three or more is a law firm and 635 is a Congress.

[jtur88]

I was told there was a plan to cede the Missouri Bootheel to Arkansas. It would raise the average IQ of both states by 2 points.