MO folks, have any good jokes to share with us?? (Kansas City: live in, legal)

[HMcD]

An attractive blonde from Cork , Ireland arrived at the casino. She seemed a little intoxicated and bet twenty-thousand Euros on a single roll of the dice.

She said, 'I hope you don't mind, but I feel much luckier when I'm completely nude'.

With that, she stripped from the neck down, rolled the dice and with an Irish brogue yelled, 'Come on, baby, Mama needs new clothes!'

As the dice came to a stop, she jumped up and down and squealed...'YES! YES! I WON, I WON!'

She hugged each of the dealers and then picked up her winnings and her clothes and quickly departed.

The dealers stared at each other dumbfounded. Finally, one of them asked, 'What did she roll?'

The other answered, 'I don't know - I thought you were watching.'

[GSXRScott]

LMAO. I've got some more that were on a T-shirt given to me/us by the faculty at ASU when we graduated.

Originally Posted by Northwoods Voyager

And then this one for a certain Moderator:

..................You might be an engineer if ...

- You have no life and you can prove it mathematically
- You know how to do vector calculus but cant remember how to do long division
- You've actually used every single function on your graphing calculator
- It's sunny and 75 degrees outside and you are working on a computer
- If you know how to integrate a chicken and take the derivative of water
- If you laugh at jokes about mathematicians
- If you cant remember whats behind the door in the science building which says "Exit"
- You are completely addicted to caffeine
- If you consider any non science course "easy"
- If when your professor asks you where your homework is, you claim to have accidentally determined its momentum so precisely, that according to Heisnbergb it could be anywhere in the universe
- If you'll assume a horse is a sphere in order to make the math easier
- If you make a hard copy of this list and post it on your door.

[da jammer]

dang, over a year and a half later this thing is still pluggin' along eh?

So why do the head spinning unfathomable numbers in the current budget proposal matter?

The Department of Defense briefed president Obama this morning and informed him that two Brazilian soldiers were killed in Iraq.

To everyone's surprise, all the color immediately drained from Obama's face.

He then collapsed onto his desk, head in his hands, visibly shaken almost in tears. Fortunately Joe Biden was nearby and able to lend a hand to the stricken commander in grief.

After a few minutes Obama was able to pull himself together.

Now composed he then asked, "So tell me Joe, just how many is a brazilian?"

[HMcD]

Things to ponder;

The noblest of dogs is the hot dog, it feeds the hand that bites it.
Those who live by the sword get shot by those who don't.
Depression is just anger without enthusiasm.
Children in the dark cause accidents, accidents in the dark cause children
Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.
A Freudian slip is when you say one thing but mean your mother.
Before you insult a man, walk a mile in his shoes. That way, whern you insult him, you'll be a mile away, and have his shoes.
Last night I lay in bed looking up at the stars in the sky and I thought to myself, "where the heck is the ceiling?"
The reason Santa is so jolly is because he knows where all the bad girls live.
Why do we call them buildings when they're finished? Shouldn't they be called Builts?
The Internet... where women are men and 12 year old boys are FBI agents.
So a baby seal walks into a club..
To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism. To steal from many is research.
He who laughs last probably does not get the joke.
Being dyslexic has drawbacks.I once went to a toga party dressed as a goat.
If you are what you eat, then I'm fast, cheap and easy.
Dyslexics Of The World Untie!
Flatulence : An emergency vehicle that transports patients to the hospital after being squashed by a steamroller.

[ShadowCaver]

Her husband had been slipping in and out of a coma for several months. Things looked grim, but she was by his bedside every single day. One day as he slipped back into consciousness, he motioned for her to come close to him. She pulled the chair close to the bed and leaned her ear close to be able to hear him.

"You know" he whispered, his eyes filling with tears, "you have been with me through all the bad times. When I got fired, you stuck right beside me. When my business went under, there you were. When we lost the house, you were there. When I got shot, you stuck with me. When my health started failing, you were still by my side. "And you know what?"

"What, dear?" she asked gently, smiling to herself.




"I think you're bad luck."

[Lake Junkie]

HOW TO INSTALL A HOME SECURITY SYSTEM WHEN ON A BUDGET :


1. Go to a second-hand store and buy a pair of men's used size 14-16 work
boots.


2. Place them on your front porch, along with several empty beer cans, a copy of Guns & Ammo magazine and several NRA magazines.


3. Put a few giant dog dishes next to the boots and magazines.


4. Leave a note on your door that reads:
'Hey Bubba, Big Jim, Duke and Slim, I went to the gun shop for more ammunition. Back in an hour. Don't mess with the pit bulls -- they attacked the mailman this morning and messed him up real bad. I don't think Killer took part in it but it was hard to tell from all the blood.

P S - I locked all four of 'em in the house. Better wait outside.'



INSTALLATION COMPLETE!!!!

[HMcD]

A blind man and his seeing-eye dog enter a bar and make their way to the middle of the bar.
After ordering a drink the blind guy says to the bartender, “You like to hear a blonde joke?"
The bar immediately becomes so quite you could hear a pin drop.
In a low voice, the woman sitting next to him says, "Before you tell that joke, you should know some facts, the bartender is blonde, the bouncer is blonde, and I'm a 6' 2” tall, 210 lb. blonde with a black belt in karate.
Also, the woman sitting next to me is blonde and she's a female boxer. The lady to your right is a blonde, and she's a wrestler. Think about it for a minute, Dude. You still want to tell that joke?"
The blind guy says, "Nah, not if I'm going to have to explain it five times."

[HMcD]

An Irishman who had a little too much to drink is driving home from the city one night and, of course, his car is weaving violently all over the road.
A cop pulls him over. "So," says the cop to the driver, "where have ya been?" "Why, I've been to the pub of course," slurs the drunk.
"Well," says the cop, "it looks like you've had quite a few to drink this evening." "I did all right," the drunk says with a smile.
"Did you know," says the cop, standing straight and folding his arms across his chest, "that a few intersections back, your wife fell out of your car?"
"Oh, thank heavens," sighs the drunk.
"For a minute there, I thought I'd gone deaf."

[HMcD]

An English man and an Irish man are driving head on , at night, on a twisty, dark road. Both are driving to fast for the conditions and collide on a sharp bend in the road.
To the amazement of both, they are unscathed, though their cars are both destroyed. In celebration of their luck, both agree to put aside their dislike for the other from that moment on. At this point, the Irish man goes to the trunk and fetches a 12 year old bottle of Jameson whiskey. He hands the bottle to the English man, whom exclaims,'' may the English and the Irish live together forever, in peace, and harmony.'' The English man then tips the bottle and lashes half of it down. Still flabbergasted over the whole thing, he goes to hand the bottle to the Irish man, whom replies: '' no tanks, I'll just wait till the police get here!''

[HMcD]

Two good ol' boys in a Tennessee trailer park were sitting around talking one afternoon over a cold beer after getting off of work at their local Nissan plant.

After a while the 1st guy says to the 2nd, "If'n I was to sneak over to your trailer Saturday & make love to your wife while you was off huntin' and she got pregnant and had a baby, would that make us kin?"

The 2nd guy crooked his head sideways for a minute, scratched his head, and squinted his eyes thinking real hard about the question. Finally, he says, "Well, I don't know about kin, but it would make us even."