MO folks, have any good jokes to share with us?? (Nevada: houses, health club)

[HMcD]

One day a farmer's donkey fell down into a well. The animal cried piteously for hours as the farmer tried to figure out what to do. Finally, he decided the animal was old, and the well needed to be covered up anyway; it just wasn't worth it to retrieve the donkey.. He invited all his neighbors to come over and help him. They all grabbed a shovel and began to shovel dirt into the well. At first, the donkey realized what was happening and cried horribly Then, to everyone's amazement he quieted down. A few shovel loads later, the farmer finally looked down the well. He was astonished at what he saw. With each shovel of dirt that hit his back, the donkey was doing something amazing. He would shake it off and take a step up. As the farmer's neighbors continued to shovel dirt on top
of the animal, he would shake it off and take a step up. Pretty soon, everyone was amazed as the donkey stepped up over the edge of the well and happily trotted off!

Life is going to shovel dirt on you, all kinds of dirt.. The trick to getting out of the well is to shake it off and take a step up. Each of our troubles is a steppingstone. We can get out of the deepest wells just by not stopping, never giving up! Shake it off and take a step up. Remember the five simple rules to be happy:
Free your heart from hatred - Forgive..
Free your mind from worries - Most never happen.
Live simply and appreciate what you have.
Give more.
Expect less

NOW ............

Enough of that crap . . .. The donkey later came back, and bit the farmer who had tried to bury him. The gash from the bite got infected and the farmer eventually died in agony from septic shock.

MORAL FROM TODAY'S LESSON:

When you do something wrong, and try to cover your ass, it always comes back to bite you.

[HMcD]

One winter morning a couple was listening to the radio over breakfast. They hear the announcer say, "We are going to have 8 to 10 inches of snow today. You must park your car on the even-numbered side of the street, so the snowplows can get through." Norman's wife goes out and moves her car.

A week later while they are eating breakfast again, the radio announcer says, "We are expecting 10 to 12 inches of snow today. You must park your car on the odd-numbered side of the street, so the snowplows can get through." Norman's wife goes out and moves her car again.

The next week they are again having breakfast, when the radio announcer says, "We are expecting 12 to 14 inches of snow today You must park ..." Then the power goes out.

Norman's wife is very upset, and with a worried look on her face she says, "Honey, I don't know what to do. Which side of the street do I need to park on so the snowplows can get through?"

With the love and understanding in his voice that all men who are married to blonde's exhibit, Norman says "Why don't you just leave it in the garage this time?"

[HMcD]

Bubba had long heard the stories of an amazing family tradition. It
seems that his father, grandfather and great-grandfather had all been able to
walk on water on their 21st birthday. On that special day, they'd each walked
across the lake to the bar on the far side for their first legal drink.

So when Bubba's 21st birthday came a round, he and his pal Jim Bob took
a boat out to the middle of the lake, Bubba stepped out of the boat....and
nearly drowned! Jim Bob just barely managed to pull him to safety.

Furious and confused, Bubba went to see his grandmother. 'Grandma,' he
asked, 'it's my 21st birthday, so why can't I walk 'cross the lake like my
pappy, his father, and his father before him?'

Granny looked deeply into Bubba's troubled eyes and said, 'Because your
father, your grandfather and your great grandfather were born in
January, when the lake is frozen, and you were born in July, you dummy!'

[misplaced1]

Love the blonde and water jokes!

[Versatile]

(1) The roundest Knight at King Arthur's Roundtable was Sir Cumference. He got that big by eating too much pi
(2) I thought I saw an Alaskan eye doctor on an island but it turned out to be an optical Aleutian
(3) A rubber band pistol was confiscated in an alegbra class. It was a weapon of math disruption
(4) A butcher backed into a meat grinder and got a little behind in his work
(5) No matter how much you push the envelope, it's still stationery
(6) A grenade thrown into a French kitchen results in linoleum blown apart
(7) 2 silk worms had a race, They ended up in a tie
(Cool Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana
(9) Atheism is a non-prophet organization
(10) 2 hats were hanging on a hat rack, One said to the other, "You stay here; I'll go on a head,"
(11) I wondered why the baseball kept getting bigger, Then it hit me.
(12) When cannibals ate the missionary, they got a taste of religion
(13) A chicken crossing the road is an example of poultry in motion
(14) A short fortune-teller who escaped from jail was a small medium at large
(15) A man who survived mustard gas and pepper spray is now a seasoned veteran
(16) A backward poet writes inverse
(17) In democracy, it's your vote that counts; in feudalism, it's your count that votes
<<< and finally >>>
(1Cool Don't join dangerous cults; practice safe sects

[Nu2pomona]

A WIFE FROM WISCONSIN

Three men married wives from different states.

The first man married a woman from Michigan . He told her that she was to do the dishes and house cleaning. It took a couple of days, but on the third day, he came home to see a clean house and dishes washed and put away.

The second man married a woman from Missouri . He gave his wife orders that she was to do all the cleaning, dishes and the cooking. The first day he didn't see any results, but the next day he saw it was better. By the third day, he saw his house was clean, the dishes were done and there was a huge dinner on the table.

The third man married a girl from WISCONSIN. He ordered her to keep the house cleaned, dishes washed, lawn mowed, laundry washed, and hot meals on the table for every meal. He said the first day he didn't see anything, the second day he didn't see anything but by the third day, some of the swelling had gone down and he could see a little out of his left eye, and his arm was healed enough that he could fix himself a sandwich and load the dishwasher.

[HMcD]

My wife's birthday gift did not go over well. I found this in her diary;

Dear Diary,
For my birthday this year, my Husband (the dear) purchased a week of
personal training at the local health club for me.

Although I am still in great shape since being a high school football
cheerleader 30 years ago, I decided it would be a good idea to go ahead and
give it a try.

I called the club and made my reservations with a personal trainer named
Christo, who identified himself as a 26-year-old aerobics instructor and
model for athletic clothing and swim wear.

My husband seemed pleased with my enthusiasm to get started! The club
encouraged me to keep a diary to chart my progress.

________________________________
MONDAY:
Started my day at 6:00 a.m. Tough to get out of bed, but found it was well
worth it when I arrived at the health club to find Christo waiting for me.
He is something of a Greek god - with blond hair, dancing eyes and a
dazzling white smile. Woo Hoo!!

Christo gave me a tour and showed me the machines. I enjoyed watching the
skillful way in which he conducted his aerobics class after my workout
today. Very inspiring!

Christo was encouraging as I did my sit-ups, although my gut was already
aching from holding it in the whole time he was around. This is going to be
a FANTASTIC week-!!

________________________________
TUESDAY:
I drank a whole pot of coffee, but I finally made it out the door. Christo
made me lie on my back and push a heavy iron bar into the air then he put
weights on it! My legs were a little wobbly on the treadmill, but I made the
full mile. His rewarding smile made it all worthwhile. I feel GREAT-!! It's
a whole new life for me.

_______________________________
WEDNESDAY:
The only way I can brush my teeth is by laying the toothbrush on the counter
and moving my mouth back and forth over it. I believe I have a hernia in
both pectorals. Driving was OK as long as I didn't try to steer or stop. I
parked on top of a GEO in the club parking lot.

Christo was impatient with me, insisting that my screams bothered other club
members. His voice is a little too perky for that early in the morning and
when he scolds, he gets this nasally whine that is VERY annoying.

My chest hurt when I got on the treadmill, so Christo put me on the stair
monster.. Why the hell would anyone invent a machine to simulate an activity
rendered obsolete by elevators? Christo told me it would help me get in
shape and enjoy life. He said some other **** too.

_______________________________
THURSDAY:
******* was waiting for me with his vampire-like teeth exposed as his thin,
cruel lips were pulled back in a full snarl. I couldn't help being a half an
hour late - it took me that long to tie my shoes.

He took me to work out with dumbbells. When he was not looking, I ran and
hid in the restroom. He sent some skinny ***** to find me.

Then, as punishment, he put me on the rowing machine -- which I sank..
_________________________________
FRIDAY:
I hate that bastard Christo more than any human being has ever hated any
other human being in the history of the world. Stupid, skinny, anemic,
anorexic little aerobic instructor. If there was a part of my body I could
move without unbearable pain, I would beat him with it.

Christo wanted me to work on my triceps. I don't have any triceps! And if
you don't want dents in the floor, don't hand me the damn barbells or
anything that weighs more than a sandwich.

The treadmill flung me off and I landed on a health and nutrition teacher.
Why couldn't it have been someone softer, like the drama coach or the choir
director?

________________________________
SATURDAY:
Satan left a message on my answering machine in his grating, shrilly voice
wondering why I did not show up today. Just hearing his voice made me want
to smash the machine with my planner; however, I lacked the strength to even
use the TV remote and ended up catching eleven straight hours of the Weather
Channel.

________________________________
SUNDAY:
I'm having the Church van pick me up for services today so I can go and
thank GOD that this week is over. I will also pray that next year my husband
will choose a gift for me that is fun -- like a root canal or a
hysterectomy. I still say if God had wanted me to bend over, he would have
sprinkled the floor with diamonds!!!

[HMcD]

President Obama got off the helicopter in front of the White House, carrying a baby piglet under each arm.
The squared-away Marine guard snaps to attention, salutes and says: "Nice pigs, sir.”
The President replies, "These are not pigs. These are authentic Arkansas Razorback Hogs. I got one for Secretary of State Hillary Clinton and I got one for Speaker of The House Nancy Pelosi."
The squared-away Marine again snaps to attention, salutes, and says, "Excellent trade, sir."

[Nu2pomona]

We had to have the garage door repaired. The Sears repairman told us that one of our problems was that we did not have a 'large' enough motor on the opener. I thought for a minute, and said that we had the largest one Sears made at that time, a 1/2 horsepower. He shook his head and said, 'Lady, you need a 1/4 horsepower.' I responded that 1/2 was larger than 1/4. He said, 'NO, it's not.' Four is larger than two.... We haven't used Sears repair since.
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My daughter went to a local Taco Bell and ordered a taco.. She asked the person behind the counter for 'minimal lettuce.' He said he was sorry, but they only had iceberg lettuce. From Kansas City
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I live in a semi rural area... We recently had a new neighbor call the local township administrative office to request the removal of the DEER CROSSING sign on our road. The reason: 'Too many deer are being hit by cars out here!' I don't think this is a good place for them to be crossing anymore.'
From Kingman , KS .
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My daughter and I went through the McDonald's take-out window and I gave the clerk a $5 bill. Our total was $4.25, so I also handed her a quarter. She said, 'you gave me too much money.' I said, 'Yes I know, but this way you can just give me a dollar bill back. She sighed and went to get the manager who asked me to repeat my request. I did so, and he handed me back the quarter, and said 'We're sorry but we could not do that kind of thing.' The clerk then proceeded to give me back $1 and 75 cents in change.
Do not confuse the clerks at McDonald's.
------------------------
The stoplight on the corner buzzes when it's safe to cross the street. I was crossing with an intellectually challenged coworker of mine. She asked if I knew what the buzzer was for. I explained that it signals blind people when the light is red. Appalled, she responded, 'What on earth are blind people doing driving?!' She was a probation officer in Wichita , KS
----------------------
At a good-bye luncheon for an old and dear coworker. She was leaving the company due to 'downsizing.' Our manager commented cheerfully, 'This is fun. We should do this more often.' Not another word was spoken. We all just looked at each other with that deer-in-the-headlights stare. This was a lunch at Texas Instruments.

[c'est la vie]

Chuck Norris, Arnold Schwarznegger and Mr. T walked into a bar. The bartender looked up at them and says "what is this, some kind of joke?"