MO folks, have any good jokes to share with us?? (Clyde: buying, camp)

[HMcD]

One Sunday, while counting the money in the weekly offering, the pastor of a small church found a pink envelope containing $1,000.
The following week, it happened again. In an effort to determine the benefactor, he watched closely the next Sunday and saw an elderly woman
put the distinctive pink envelope on the plate. He felt he should respect her right to privacy, so said nothing.
This went on for weeks until the pastor, overcome by curiosity, approached her. "Ma'am," he said, "I couldn't help but notice that you
have been putting $1,000 a week in the collection plate."
"Why, yes," she replied, "every week my son sends me money and I give some of it to the church.."
The pastor replied, "That's very generous and I thank you on behalf of the whole congregation. But $1,000 is quite a lot, Are you sure you can
afford it? How much does your son send you?"
The woman answered, "$10,000 a week."
The pastor was amazed. He said, "Your son is quite thoughtful and must be very successful. What does he do for a living?"
"He is a veterinarian," she answered.
"That's a noble and honorable profession," said the pastor, "but I had no idea they made that much money. Where is his practice?"
The woman replied proudly, "In Nevada. He has two cat houses -- one near Las Vegas, and one in Reno."

[ShadowCaver]

From one of my heroes:

George Carlin "Why do they put alcohol on the arm of a death row inmate before they give him the needle? Are they afraid he might get an infection?"

[HMcD]

A man's car stalled on a country road one morning. When the man got out to fix it, a cow came along and stopped beside him. "Your trouble is probably in the carburetor," said the cow.
Startled, the man jumped back and ran down the road until he met a farmer. The amazed man told the farmer his story.
"Was it a large red cow with a brown spot over the right eye?" asked the farmer. "Yes, yes," the man replied.
"Oh! I wouldn't listen to Bessie," said the farmer. "She doesn't know a durn thing about cars."

[HMcD]

A retiring farmer in preparation for selling his land, needed to rid his farm of animals. So he went to every house in his town. To the houses where the man is the boss, he gave a horse. To the houses where the woman is the boss, a chicken was given.
He got toward the end of the street and saw a couple outside gardening. "Who's the boss around here?" he asked.
"I am." said the man.
"I have a black horse and a brown horse," the farmer said, "which one would you like?"
The man thought for a minute and said, "The black one."
"No, no, no, get the brown one." the man's wife said.
"Here's your chicken." said the farmer.

[HMcD]

A New York City yuppie moved to the country and bought a piece of land. He went to the local feed and livestock store and talked to the proprietor about how he was going to take up chicken farming. He then asked to buy 100 chicks.
"That's a lot of chicks," commented the proprietor. "I mean business," the city slicker replied.
A week later the yuppie was back again. "I need another 100 chicks," he said. "Boy, you are serious about this chicken farming," the man told him.
"Yeah," the yuppie replied. "If I can iron out a few problems." "Problems?" asked the proprietor. "Yeah," replied the yuppie, "I think I planted that last batch too close together."

[HMcD]

A ventriloquist was doing his night club act with his dummy on his knee. He started into a long story involving a dumb blonde. All at once, out in the audience, a beautiful blonde jumped up and started berating him.
"What gives you the right to stereotype blondes that way?" she demanded. "What does the color of my hair have to do with my worth as a human being?"
Flustered, the ventriloquist started to stammer a reply.
"You keep out of this", she said, "I'm talking to that runt on your knee!"

[HMcD]

My neighbor is outspoken on the subject of exercise. For example;

Walking 20 minutes can add to your life. This enables you at 85 years old to spend an additional 5 months in a nursing home at $7000 per month.

My grandpa started walking five miles a day when he was 60... Now he's 97 years old... and we haven't a clue where the hell he is.

I like long walks, especially when they are taken by people who annoy me.

The only reason I would take up walking is so that I could hear heavy breathing again.

I have to walk early in the morning, before my brain figures out what I'm doing..

I joined a health club last year, spent about 400 bucks. Haven't lost a pound...apparently you have to actually go there.

Every time I hear the dirty word 'exercise', I wash my mouth out with chocolate.

I do have flabby thighs, but fortunately my stomach covers them.

The advantage of exercising every day is so when you die, they'll say, 'Well, he looks good doesn't he.'

I know I got a lot of exercise the last few years, just getting over the hill was enough.

We all get heavier as we get older, because there's a lot more information in our skulls.

Every time I start thinking too much about how I look, I just find a Happy Hour and by the time I leave, I look just fine.

[ozarksboy]

An old woman wanting to kill herself did some research on suicide at the New York Public Library. She found out the best place to shoot yourself to death is under the left breast.

That night she was rushed to the hospital for treatment of a firearms-related injury.

Gunshot wound to the left knee.

[HMcD]

Some of the artists of the 60's are revising their hits with new lyrics to accommodate aging baby boomers. They include:

Herman's Hermits --- Mrs. Brown, You've Got a Lovely Walker.
Ringo Starr --- I Get By With a Little Help From Depends
The Bee Gees --- How Can You Mend a Broken Hip?
Bobby Darin --- Splish, Splash, I Was Havin' a Flash.
Roberta Flack--- The First Time Ever I Forgot Your Face.
Johnny Nash --- I Can't See Clearly Now.
Paul Simon--- Fifty Ways to Lose Your Liver
(Larry's theme) The Commodores --- Once, Twice, Three Times to the Bathroom.
Marvin Gaye --- Heard It Through the Grape Nuts.
Procol Harem--- A Whiter Shade of Hair.
Leo Sayer --- You Make Me Feel Like Napping.
The Temptations --- Papa's Got a Kidney Stone.
Abba--- Denture Queen.
Tony Orlando --- Knock 3 Times On The Ceiling If You Hear Me Fall.
Helen Reddy --- I Am Woman, Hear Me Snore.
Leslie Gore--- It's My Procedure, and I'll Cry If I Want To.
and lastly,

Willie Nelson --- On the Commode Again

[misplaced1]

A guy orders a beer. The bartender fills the mug and slides it down the bar. It hits the blond woman's boobs and splashes all over them. The bartender goes over, retrieves the mug and licks the beer off her boobs.

Each time the guy calls for another beer this happens. So after his third beer, he decides to help the bartender out.. The next time the bartender hit her boobs, the man jumps up and starts to lick her breasts and she decks him!

He is laying on the floor moaning, 'Jeez lady... Why do you let the bartender do it?'

'Duh,' says the blond, 'He has a licker license!'