MO folks, have any good jokes to share with us?? (Washington: real estate, attorneys)

[Versatile]

After being interviewed by the school administration, the teaching prospect said, 'Let me see if I've got this right:
'You want me to go into that room with all those kids, correct their disruptive behavior, observe them for signs of abuse, monitor their dress habits, censor their T-shirt messages, and instill in them a love for learning.
'You want me to check their backpacks for weapons, wage war on drugs and sexually transmitted diseases, and raise their sense of self esteem and personal pride. 'You want me to teach them patriotism and good citizenship, sportsmanship and fair play, and how to register to vote, balance a checkbook, and apply for a job. You want me to check their heads for lice, recognize signs of antisocial behavior, and make sure that they all pass the state exams.
'You want me to provide them with an equal education regardless of their handicaps, and communicate regularly with their parents by letter, telephone, newsletter, and report card.
'You want me to do all this with a piece of chalk, a blackboard, a bulletin board, a few books, a big smile, and a starting salary that qualifies me for food stamps. You want me to do all this and then you tell me
'I CAN'T PRAY?'

[Versatile]

Do you know why?




When a woman wears a leather dress, a man's heart beats quicker, and his throat gets dry. He goes weak in the knees, and he begins to think irrationally.

Ever wonder why?

It's because she smells like a new truck!

[HMcD]

The economy is so bad:

CEO's are now playing miniature golf.

Hotwheels and Matchbox stocks are trading higher than GM.

Obama met with small businesses to discuss the Stimulus Package: GE, Pfeizer and Citigroup.

PETA serves chicken wings at their meetings

McDonalds is selling the 1/4- ouncer.

People in Beverly Hills fired their nannies and learned their children's names.

A truck of Americans got caught sneaking into Mexico .

The most highly-paid job is now jury duty.

Dick Cheney took his stockbroker hunting.

People in Africa are donating money to Americans.

Mothers in Ethiopia are telling their kids, "finish your plate, do you know how many kids are starving in the US?"

Motel Six wont leave the light on.

The Mafia is laying off judges.

and finally,

Congress says they are looking into this Bernard Madoff scandal. So, the guy that made $50 billion disappear is being investigated by the people who made $750 billion disappear.

[HMcD]

Advice from an old farmer;

Your fences need to be horse-high, pig-tight and bull-strong.

Keep skunks and bankers at a distance.

Life is simpler when you plow around the stump.

A bumble bee is considerably faster than a John Deere tractor.

Words that soak into your ears are whispered...not yelled.

Meanness don't jes' happen overnight.

Forgive your enemies. It messes up their heads.

Do not corner something that you know is meaner than you.

It don't take a very big person to carry a grudge.

You cannot unsay a cruel word.

When you wallow with pigs, expect to get dirty.

The best sermons are lived, not preached.

Most of the stuff people worry about ain't never gonna happen anyway.

Don't judge folks by their relatives.

Remember that silence is sometimes the best answer.

Live a good, honorable life. Then when you get older and think back, you'll enjoy it a second time.

Don't interfere with somethin' that ain't bothering you none.

Timing has a lot to do with the outcome of a rain dance.

If you find yourself in a hole, the first thing to do is stop diggin'.

Sometimes you get, and sometimes you get got.

The biggest troublemaker you'll probably ever have to deal with watches you from the mirror every mornin'.

Always drink upstream from the herd.

Good judgment comes from experience, and a lotta that comes from bad judgment.

Lettin' the cat outta the bag is a whole lot easier than puttin' it back in..

If you get to thinkin' you're a person of some influence, try orderin' somebody else's dog around.

Live simply. Love generously. Care deeply. Speak kindly.

[Versatile]

These are real notes written by parents in the Memphis school
district.

Spellings have been left intact.





1. My son is under a doctor's care and should not take PE today.
Please execute him.

2. Please exkuce lisa for being absent she was sick and i had her
shot.

3. Dear school: please ecsc's john being absent on jan. 28, 29, 30,
31, 32 and also 33.

4. Please excuse gloria from jim today. She is administrating.

5. Please excuse roland from p.e. for a few days. Yesterday he fell
out of a tree and misplaced his hip.

6. John has been absent because he had two teeth taken out of his
face.

7. Carlos was absent yesterday because he was playing football. He
was hurt in the growing part.

8. Megan could not come to school today because she has been
bothered by very close veins.

9. Chris will not be in school cus he has an acre in his side.

10. Please excuse ray friday from school. He has very loose vowels.

11. Please excuse Lesli from being absent yesterday. She had diahre
dyrea direathethe ****s.

12. Please excuse tommy for being absent yesterday. He had diarrhea,
and his boots leak.

13. Irving was absent yesterday because he missed his bust..

14. Please excuse jimmy for being. It was his father's fault.

15. I kept Billie home because she had to go Christmas shopping
because i don't know what size she wear.

16. Please excuse jennifer for missing school yesterday. We forgot
to get the sunday paper off the porch, and when we found it monday. We
thought it was sunday.

17. Sally won't be in school a week from friday. We have to attend
her funeral..

18. My daughter was absent yesterday because she was tired. She
spent a weekend with the marines.

19. Please excuse Jason for being absent yesterday.. He had a cold
and could not breed well..

20. Please excuse mary for being absent yesterday. She was in bed
with gramps.

21. Gloria was absent yesterday as she was having a gangover.

22. Please excuse brenda. She has been sick and under the doctor.

23. Maryann was absent december 11-16, because she had a fever,
sorethroat, headache and upset stomach. Her sister was also sick, fever an
sore throat, her brother had a low grade fever and ached all over. I wasn't
the best either, sore throat and fever. There must be something going
around, her father even got hot last night.

Now we know why parents are screaming for better education for our
kids

[Versatile]

Laughin` thing... Men's world!
Man: Is there any way for long life?

Dr: Get married.

Man: Will it help?

Dr: No, but the thought of long life will never come.



--------------------------------------------------------------------------------





Why do couples hold hands during their wedding?

It's a formality just like two boxers shaking hands before the fight
begins!



--------------------------------------------------------------------------------





It's funny when people discuss Love Marriage vs Arranged.

It's like asking someone, if suicide is better or being murdered.



--------------------------------------------------------------------------------




It is difficult to understand GOD. He makes such beautiful things as
women and then he turns them into Wives.



--------------------------------------------------------------------------------





If u r married please ignore this message, for everyone else:

Happy Independence Day



--------------------------------------------------------------------------------




Before marriage, a man will lie awake all night thinking about
something you say.

After marriage, he'll fall asleep before you finish.


--------------------------------------------------------------------------------




Man receives telegram: Wife dead-should be buried or cremated?

Man: Don't take any chances. Burn the body and bury the ash.



--------------------------------------------------------------------------------




Q: Why dogs don't marry?

A: Because they are already leading a dog's life!



--------------------------------------------------------------------------------




There was this guy who told his woman that he loved her so much that he would go through hell for her.

They got married and now he is going thru hell.



--------------------------------------------------------------------------------





Fact of life: One woman brings you into this world crying & the other
ensures you continue to do so for the rest of your life!



--------------------------------------------------------------------------------





Q: Why doesn't law permit a man to marry a second woman?

A: Because as per law you cannot be punished twice for the same offence!



--------------------------------------------------------------------------------




Here comes the Ultimate One

Prospective husband: Do you have a book called 'Man, The Master of Women'?

Sales girl: The fiction department is on the other side, sir.

[Versatile]

Summary of Life

GREAT TRUTHS THAT K*ds HAVE LEARNED:

1) No matter how hard you try, you can't baptize cats.
2) When your Mom is mad at your Dad, don't let her brush your hair.
3) If your brothert hits you, don't hit him back. They always catch the second person.
4) Never ask your 3-year old brother to hold a tomato.
5) You can't trust dogs to watch your food.
6) Don't sneeze when someone is cutting your hair.
7) Never hold a Dust-Buster and a cat at the same time.
Cool You can't hide a piece of broccoli in a glass of milk.
9) Don't wear polk a-dot underwear under white shorts.
10) The best place to be when you're sad is Grandpa's lap.



GREAT TRUTHS THAT ADULTS HAVE LEARNED:

1) Raising teenagers is like nailing jelly to a tree.
2) Wrinkles don't hurt.
3) Families are like fudge...mostly sweet, with a few nuts.
4) Today's mighty oak is just yesterday's nut that held its ground.
5) Laughing is good exercise. It's like jogging on the inside.
6) Middle age is when you choose your cereal for the fiber, not the toy.


GREAT TRUTHS ABOUT GROWING OLD

1) Growing old is mandatory; growing up is optional.
2) Forget the health food. I need all the preservatives I can get.
3) When you fall down, you wonder what else you can do while you're down there.
4) You're getting old when you get the same sensation from a rocking chair that you once got from a roller coaster.
5) It's frustrating when you know all the answers but nobody bothers to ask you the questions.
6) Time may be a great healer, but it's a lousy beautician.
7) Wisdom comes with age, but sometimes age comes alone.


THE FOUR STAGES OF LIFE:

1) You believe in Santa Claus.
2) You don't believe in Santa Claus.
3) You are Santa Claus.
4) You look like Santa Claus.


SUCCESS (aka the cycle of life):

At age 4 s success is . . Not piddling in your pants.
At age 12 success is . . . Having friends.
At age 17 success is . . Having a driver's license.
At age 35 success is . . .Having money.
At age 50 success is . . . Having money.
At age 70 success is . . . Having a drivers license.
At age 75 success is . . . Having friends.
At age 80 success is . . . Not piddling in your pants.
_________________


The big difference between sex for money and sex for free is that sex for money usually costs a lot less.

When you choke a smurf, what color does it turn?

[Versatile]

Two little kids are in a
> hospital, lying
> on stretchers next to each other
>
> outside the operating
> room.
>
> The first kid leans over and asks, 'What are you in
> here for?'
>
> The second kid says, 'I'm in here to get my
> tonsils out and I'm a
>
> little nervous.'
>
> The first kid says,
> 'You've got nothing to worry about.
> I had that done
>
> when I
> was four. They put you to sleep, and when
> you wake up they give
> you lots
>
> of Jello and ice cream. It's a breeze.'
>
> The
> second kid then asks, 'What are you
> here for?'
>
> The first kid
> says, 'A circumcision.'
>
> 'Whoa!' the second kid replies. 'Good
> luck buddy. I had that done
>
> when I was born. Couldn't walk
> for a
> year.

[Versatile]

Default A worring study on beer
Beer.....Men, we may have to reconsider 'beer' drinking.

This is worrying.........

Beer contains female hormones. Last month, Wits University and RAU scientists released the results of a recent analysis that revealed the presence of female hormones in beer. Men should take a concerned look at their beer consumption. The theory is that beer contains female hormones (hops contain Phytoestrogens) and that by drinking enough beer, men turn into women.

To test the theory, 100 men drank 8 pints of beer each within a one hour period. It was then observed that 100% of the test subjects :

1) Argued over nothing.

2) Refused to apologize when obviously wrong.

3) Gained weight.

4) Talked excessively without making sense.

5) Became overly emotional

6) Couldn't drive.

7) Failed to think rationally.

8) Had to sit down while urinating.

No further testing was considered necessary. Send this to the men you know to warn them about the hazards of drinking too much beer! It may be hazardous to male gender attributes. Our more noble attributes at that.........

[Versatile]

A little old lady is walking down the street
dragging two large plastic garbage bags behind her.

One of the bags rips, and every once in a while a
$20 bill falls out onto the sidewalk.
Noticing this, a policeman stops her, and says,

'Ma'am, there are $20 bills falling out of your
bag.'

'Oh, really? Darn!' says the little old lady. 'I'd
better go back, and see if I can find them. Thanks for
telling me..'

'Well, now, not so fast,' says the cop. 'How did you
get all that money?' 'You didn't steal it, did you?'

Oh, no', says the little old lady.
'You see, my back yard is right next to the football
stadium parking lot.
On game days, a lot of fans come and pee through the
fence into my flower garden.

So, I stand behind the fence with my hedge clippers.
Each time some guy sticks his thing through the
fence, I say,'$20 or off it comes.'

'Well, that seems only fair.' laughs the cop. OK?
Good luck! Oh, by the way, what's in the other bag?'

'Well, you know', says the little old lady, 'Not everybody pays.'
__________________