MO folks, have any good jokes to share with us?? (Clever: legally, store)

[Versatile]

COWBOY THOUGHTS:

** Don't squat with your spurs on.

** Don't interfere with something that ain't botherin' you none.

** Timing has a lot to do with the outcome of a rain dance.

** The easiest way to eat crow is while it's still warm. The colder it gets, the harder it is to swaller.

** If you find yourself in a hole, the first thing to do is stop diggin'.

** If it don't seem like it's worth the effort, it probably ain't.

** It don't take a genius to spot a goat in a flock of sheep.

** The biggest troublemaker you'll probably ever have to deal with watches you shave his face in the mirror every morning.

** Never ask a barber if you need a haircut.

** If you get to thinkin' you're a person of some influence, try orderin' somebody else's dog around.

** Don't worry about bitin' off more'n you can chew; your mouth is probably a whole lot bigger'n you think.

** Always drink upstream from the herd.

** Generally, you ain't learnin' nothing when your mouth's a-jawin'.

** Tellin' a man to git lost and makin' him do it are two entirely different propositions.

** If you're ridin' ahead of the herd, take a look back every now and then to make sure it's still there with ya.

** Good judgment comes from experience, and a lotta that comes from bad judgment.

** When you give a personal lesson in meanness to a critter or to a person, don't be surprised if they learn their lesson.

** When you're throwin' your weight around, be ready to have it thrown around by somebody else.

** Lettin' the cat outta the bag is a whole lot easier than puttin' it back in.

** Always take a good look at what you're about to eat. It's not so important to know what it is, but it's sure crucial to know what it was.

** The quickest way to double your money is to fold it over and put it back into your pocket.

** Never miss a good chance to shut up.
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[HMcD]

Did 'ja hear about the stranger in a small Vermont village. He was walking down the street when he noticed that the man walking ahead of him is provoking some peculiar behavior. The men all glare at him or shake their fists. The women all turn up their noses. The children are bustled across the street to avoid coming near him.
"What's going on?" he asks one of the villagers. "Is he a wife beater? A drug pusher? A child molester?''
"Nup. Dipped into his capital."

[HMcD]

One day old man Stumpy and his wife Martha went to the Illinois State Fair. There is this man selling plane rides in his single prop show plane for $10 per person. Stumpy looks to Martha and says, "Martha, I think I really should try that." Martha replies, "I know you want to Stumpy, but we have a lot of bills, and you know the money is tight, and $10 is $10." So Stumpy goes without. Over the next few years they return every year, and the same thing, Stumpy wants to ride, but Martha says no money.

Finally, when Stumpy and Martha are both about 70 years old, Stumpy looks to Martha, and says, "Martha, I'm 70 now, and I don't know if I'll ever get the chance again, so I just have to have a ride in that there airplane." Martha replies in the same old fashion, and Stumpy kind of slumps down. The pilot is standing near by and overhears the conversation...

The pilot pipes up, "Excuse me folks, I couldn't help but hear your situation, and I have a deal for you. I'll take both of you up together, and if you can both make the entire trip without saying a word, or even making the slightest sound, I'll give the ride for free. But if either of you make a sound, its $10 each." Well, Martha and Stumpy look at each other, and agree to take the ride.

The pilot takes them up, and starts to do loop de loops, twists, dives, climbs and spins. No sound. The pilot lands the plane, looks back at Stumpy and says, "Sir, I have to hand it to ya, you didn't make even the slightest sound and that was my best stuff." Stumpy looks back at the pilot and says, "Well, I was gonna say something when Martha fell out, but $10 is $10!"

[HMcD]

Some great tips on love and relationships by kids between the age of 5 and 10...

WHAT IS THE PROPER AGE TO GET MARRIED?
"Once I'm done with kindergarten, I'm going to find me a wife." (Tom, 5)

WHAT DO MOST PEOPLE DO ON A DATE?
"On the first date, they just tell each other lies, and that usually gets them interested enough to go for a second date." (Mike, 9)

WHEN IS IT OKAY TO KISS SOMEONE?
"You should never kiss a girl unless you have enough bucks to buy her a big ring and her own VCR, cause she'll want to have videos of the wedding." (Jim, 10)

CONCERNING WHY LOVE HAPPENS BETWEEN TWO PARTICULAR PEOPLE:
"No one is sure why it happens, but I heard it has something to do with how you smell. That's why perfume and deoderant are so popular." (Jan, 9)

ON WHAT FALLING IN LOVE IS LIKE:
"Like an avalanche where you have to run for your life."
(Roger, 9)
"If falling in love is anything like learning how to spell, I don't want to do it. It takes too long." (Leo, 7)

ON THE ROLE OF GOOD LOOKS IN LOVE:
"If you want to be loved by somebody who isn't already in your family, it doesn't hurt to be beautiful." (Jeanne, 8 )
"It isn't always just how you look. Look at me, I'm handsome like anything and I haven't got anybody to marry me yet." (Gary, 7)
"Beauty is skin deep. But how rich you are can last a long time." (Christine, 9)

CONCERNING WHY LOVERS OFTEN HOLD HANDS:
"They want to make sure their rings don't fall off because they paid good money for them." (Dave, 8 )

CONFIDENTIAL OPINIONS ABOUT LOVE:
"I'm in favor of love as long as it doesn't happen when 'The Simpsons' is on television." (Anita, 6)
"Love will find you, even if you are trying to hide from it. I have been trying to hide from it since I was five, but the girls keep finding me." (Bobby, 7)
"I'm not rushing into being in love. I'm finding fourth grade hard enough." (Regina, 10)

THE PERSONAL QUALITIES NECESSARY TO BE A GOOD LOVER:
"One of you should know how to write a check. Because even if you have tons of love, there is still going to be a lot of bills." (Ava, 8)

SOME SUREFIRE WAYS TO MAKE A PERSON FALL IN LOVE WITH YOU:
"Don't do things like have smelly, green sneakers. You might get attention, but attention ain't the same thing as love." (Alonzo, 9)
"One way is to take the girl out to eat. Make sure it's something she likes to eat. French fries usually work for me." (Bart, 9)

WHAT MOST PEOPLE ARE THINKING WHEN THEY SAY "I LOVE YOU":
"The person is thinking, Yeah, I really do love him. But I hope he showers at least once a day." (michelle, 9)

HOW TO MAKE LOVE ENDURE:
"Spend most of your time loving instead of going to work." (Tom, 7)
"Be a good kisser. It might make your wife forget that you never take out the trash." (Randy,8 )

[HMcD]

A father walks into a restaurant with his young son. He gives the boy 3 nickels to play with to keep him occupied. Suddenly, the boy begins choking, getting blue in the face.
The father realizes the boy has swallowed the coins and starts slapping him on the back. The boy coughs up 2 nickels, but keeps on choking. Looking at his son, the father is panicking, shouting for help.
A well dressed, attractive, woman, in a blue business suit is sitting at a coffee bar reading a newspaper and sipping coffee. At the sound of the commotion, she looks up, puts her coffee cup down, neatly folds the newspaper and places it on the counter, gets up from her seat and makes her way, unhurried, across the restaurant.
Reaching the boy, the woman carefully drops his pants; takes hold of the boy's testicles and starts to squeeze and twist, gently at first and then ever so firmly. After a few seconds the boy convulses violently and coughs up the last nickel, which the woman deftly catches in her free hand.

Releasing the boy's testicles, the woman hands the nickel to the father and walks back to her seat in the coffee bar without saying a word.
As soon as he is sure that his son has suffered no ill effects, the father rushes over to the woman and starts thanking her saying, "I've never seen anybody do anything like that before. It was fantastic. Are you a doctor?
"No," the woman replied. "Divorce attorney."

[Versatile]

> A Kansas City Police Officer stops a driver for running a red light. The guy is
> a real jerk and comes running back to the officer demanding to know why he
> is being harassed by the Gestapo!
> Therefore, the officer calmly tells him of the red light violation. The
> "Motorist" instantly goes on a tirade, questioning the officer's ancestry,
> sexual orientation, etc., in rather explicit terms.

> The tirade goes on without the officer saying a word.

> When he completes the writing of the ticket, he puts an "AH" in the lower
> right corner of the narrative portion of the ticket. He then hands it to
> the "Violator" for his signature. The guy signs the ticket angrily, and when
> presented with his copy--points to the "AH" and demands to know what it
> stands for.

> The Kansas City Police Officer says, "That's so when we go to c ourt, I'll

> Remember that you're an *******!"

> Two months later, they're in court. The "Violator" has such a bad driving
> record he is about to lose his license and has hired a lawyer to represent
> him.

> On the stand, the officer testifies to seeing the man run the red light.
> Under cross-examination, the defense attorney asks; "Officer, is this a
> reasonable facsimile of the ticket you issued my client?"

> Officer responds, "Yes sir, that is the defendants copy, his signature
> and mine,

> Same number at the top.

> ATTORNEY: "Officer is there any particular marking or notation on this
> ticket you don't normally make?"

> Officer: "Yes sir, in the lower right corner of the narrative there is an
> "AH" underlined."

> ATTORNEY: "What does the "AH" stand for, officer?"

> Officer: "Aggressive and Hostile, Sir .."

> ATTORNEY: "Aggressive and Hostile?"

> Officer: "Yes Sir

> ATTORNEY: "Officer, are you sure it doesn't stand for *******?"

> Officer: "Well Sir, you know your client better than I do!"
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[HMcD]

Two informally dressed ladies happened to start up a conversation during an endless wait in the airport.
The first lady was an arrogant California woman married to a wealthy man.
The second was a well mannered elderly woman from the South.
When the conversation centered on whether they had any children, the California woman started by saying, "When my first child was born, my husband built a beautiful mansion for me."
The lady from the South commented, "Well, isn't that precious?"
The first woman continued, "When my second child was born, my husband bought me a beautiful Mercedes-Benz..
Again, the lady from the South commented, "Well, isn't that precious?"
The first woman continued boasting, "Then, when my third child was born, my husband bought me this exquisite diamond bracelet.
Yet again, the Southern lady commented, "Well, isn't that precious?"
The first woman then asked her companion, "What did your husband buy for you when you had your first child?"
"My husband sent me to charm school," declared the Southern lady.
"Charm school?" the first woman cried, "Oh, my God! What on earth for?"
The Southern lady responded, "Well for example, instead of saying "Who gives a sh*t?" I learned to say, "Well, isn't that precious"...

[HMcD]

More wit with one-liners;

Depression is merely anger without the enthusiasm

Drink 'till she's cute, but stop before the wedding

Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines

Early bird gets the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese

I'm not cheap, but I am on special this week

I almost had a psychic girlfriend but she left me before we met

I drive way too fast to worry about cholesterol

I intend to live forever - so far, so good

I love defenseless animals, especially in a good gravy

If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends?

If you ain't makin' waves, you ain't kickin' hard enough!

Mental backup in progress - Do Not Disturb!

Support bacteria - they're the only culture some people have.

Televangelists: The Pro Wrestlers of religion.

The only substitute for good manners is fast reflexes.

When everything's coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.

Ambition is a poor excuse for not having enough sense to be lazy.

If I worked as much as others, I would do as little as they.

If everything seems to be going well, you have obviously overlooked something.

Many people quit looking for work when they find a job.

Everyone has a photographic memory. Some don't have film.

Boycott shampoo! Demand the REAL poo!

If you choke a smurf, what color does it turn?

What happens if you get scared half to death twice?

Energizer Bunny arrested, charged with battery.

I poured Spot remover on my dog. Now he's gone.

Shin: a device for finding furniture in the dark.

How do you tell when you run out of invisible ink?

Laughing stock: cattle with a sense of humor.

Why do psychics have to ask you for your name?

For Sale: Parachute. Only used once, never opened, small stain.

OK, so what's the speed of dark?

Corduroy pillows: They're making headlines!

All those who believe in psychokinesis raise my hand.

I tried sniffing Coke once, but the ice cubes got stuck in my nose.

An apple a day keeps the doctor away... so does having no medical insurance.

I really think the Mars Rover is scouting for the next Wal-Mart Superstore site.

Death is life's way of telling you you've been fired.

If you can't read this, you're illiterate.

[Versatile]

Chicken Surprise
A couple go for a meal at a Chinese restaurant and order the 'Chicken Surprise',
The waiter brings the meal, served in a lidded cast iron pot.>

Just as the wife is about to serve herself, the lid of the pot rises slightly and she briefly sees two beady little eyes looking around before the lid slams back down.


'Good grief, did you see that?' she asks her husband. He hasn't, so she asks him to look in the pot. He reaches for it and again the lid rises, and he sees two little eyes looking around before it slams down.

Rather perturbed, he calls the waiter over, explains what is happening, and demands an explanation.


'Please sir,' says the waiter, 'what you order?'


The husband replies, 'Chicken Surprise.'

You're going to love this..................



You're going to hate yourself for loving this!............






'Ah! So sorry,' says the waiter, 'I bring you Peeking Duck!'
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[Versatile]

ITALIAN WOMEN

An elderly Italian man lay dying in his bed. While suffering the agonies of
impending death, he suddenly smelled the aroma of his favorite ravioli
wafting up the stairs.

He gathered his remaining strength then lifted himself from the bed.

Gripping the railing with both hands, he crawled downstairs.

When he reached the bottom of the stairs, he leaned against the door frame,
gazing into the kitchen, where if not for death's agony, he would have
thought himself already in heaven, for there, spread out upon waxed paper on
the kitchen table were hundreds of his favorite ravioli.





Was it heaven? Or was it one final act of love from his wife of sixty years,
seeing to it that he left this world a happy man?


He threw himself towards the table, landing on his knees in a crumpled posture.

His parched lips parted, the wondrous taste of the ravioli was already in his
mouth.

With a trembling hand he reached up to the edge of the table, when suddenly he
was smacked with a wooden spoon by his wife who said


"Don't Touch!!! Those are for the funeral.".
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