MO folks, have any good jokes to share with us?? (Ozark: amusement park, groceries)

[HMcD]

Two old guys, one 80 and one 87, were sitting on their usual park bench one morning.
The 87 year old had just finished his morning jog and wasn't even short of breath.
The 80 year old was amazed at his friend's stamina and asked him what he did to have so much energy.
The 87 year old said, "Well, I eat rye bread every day. It keeps your energy level high and you'll have
great stamina with the ladies." So, on the way home, 80 year old stops at the bakery. As he was looking
around, the lady asked if he needed any help. He said "Do you have any Rye bread?"
She said, "Yes, there's a whole shelf of it. Would you like some?"
He said, "I want 5 loaves."
She said, "My goodness, 5 loaves ... by the time you get to the 3rd loaf, it'll be hard."
He replied, "I can't believe it, everybody knows about this but me."

[Versatile]

> BBQ RULES
We are about to enter the BBQ season. Therefore it is important to refresh your memory on the etiquette of this sublime outdoor cooking activity . When a man volunteers to do the BBQ the following
> chain of events are put into motion:
> Routine...
> (1) The woman buys the food.
> (2) The woman makes the salad, prepares the vegetables, and makes
> dessert .
> (3) The woman prepares the meat for cooking, places it on a tray along
> with the necessary cooking utensils and sauces, and takes it to the man
> who is lounging beside the grill - beer in hand.
> (4) The woman remains outside the compulsory three meter exclusion zone
> where the exuberance of testosterone and other manly bonding activities
> can take place without the interference of the woman.
>
>
>
> Here comes the important part:
> (5) THE MAN PLACES THE MEAT ON THE GRILL.
>
>
>
> More routine...
> (6) The woman goes inside to organize the plates and cutlery.
> (7) The woman comes out to tell the man that the meat is looking great.
> He thanks her and asks if she will bring another beer while he flips the
> meat
>
>
>
> Important again:
> (8) THE MAN TAKES THE MEAT OFF THE GRILL AND HANDS IT TO THE WOMAN.
>
>
>
> More routine...
> (9) The woman prepares the plates, salad, bread, utensils, napkins,
> sauces, and brings them to the table.
> (10) After eating, the woman clears the table and does the dishes.
>
>
>
> And most important of all:
> (11) Everyone PRAISES the MAN and THANKS HIM for his
> cooking efforts.
> (12) The man asks the woman how she enjoyed '? her night off ',
> and, upon seeing her annoyed reaction, concludes that there's just no
> pleasing some women.

[Versatile]

For all those men who say, 'Why buy the cow when you can get the milk for free?', here's an update for you. Nowadays 80% of women are against marriage. Why? Because women realize it's not worth buying an entire pig just to get a little sausage

[Versatile]

An Irish woman of advanced age visited her physician to ask
> his advice in reviving her husband's libido "What about trying
> Viagra?' asked the doctor.
> Not a chance', she said. 'He won't even take an aspirin.'
> 'Not a problem,' replied the doctor. 'Give him an 'Irish
> Viagra'. It's when you drop the Viagra tablet into his coffee. He
> won't even taste it. Give it a try and call me in a week to
> let me know how things went.'
> It wasn't a week later when she called the doctor, who
> directly inquired as to her progress. The poor dear exclaimed,
>
> 'Oh, faith, bejaysus and begorrah! T'was horrid! Just
> terrible, doctor!'
> 'Really? What happened?' asked the doctor.
> 'Well, I did as you advised and slipped it in his coffee and the
> effect was almost immediate. He jumped straight up, with a
> twinkle in his eye and with his pants a-bulging fiercely!
> With one swoop of his arm, he sent me cups and tablecloth
> flying, ripped me clothes to tatters and took me then and
> there passionately on the tabletop! It was a nightmare, I
> tell you, an absolute nightmare!
> 'Why so terrible?' asked the doctor, 'Do you mean the sex
> your husband provided wasn't good?'
> 'Feckin jaysus, 'twas the best sex I've had in 25 years! But
> sure as I'm sittin here,
>
> I'll never be able to show me face in Starbucks again!'

[HMcD]

A mother is driving her little girl to her friend's house for a play date.
'Mommy,' the little girl asks, 'how old are you?'
'Honey, you are not supposed to ask a lady her age,' the mother replied. 'It's not polite.'
'OK', the little girl says,'How much do you weigh?'
'Now really,' the mother says,'those are personal questions and are really none of your business.'
Undaunted, the little girl asks, 'Why did you and Daddy get a divorce?'
'That's enough questions, young lady! Honestly!'
The exasperated mother walks away as the two friends begin to play.
' My Mom won't tell me anything about her,' the little girl says to her friend.
'Well,' says the friend,'all you need to do is look at her driver's license.It's like a report card, it has everything on it.'
Later that night the little girl says to her mother,'I know how old you are. You are 32.'
The mother is surprised and asks, 'How did you find that out?
'I also know that you weigh 130 pounds.'
The mother is past surprised and shocked now. 'How in Heaven's name did you find that out?'
'And,' the little girl says triumphantly, 'I know why you and daddy got a divorce.'
'Oh really?' the mother asks. 'Why?'

'Because you got an F in sex.'

[HMcD]

Sometimes, you just can't beat the truth.....

Malaysian authorities confiscated 900 boxes of coffee laced with Viagra. "The distributor attempted to mislead the public by claiming that the coffee mixture could provide an energy boost," explained a government spokesman, "besides being beneficial for men".

Gives a whole new meaning to 'staying up'.

[Versatile]

So after landing my new job as a Wal-Mart greeter,
a good find for many retirees,
I lasted less than a day......
About two hours into my first day on the job a very loud,
unattractive, mean-acting woman walked into the store with her two kids,
Yelling obscenities at them all the way through the entrance.
As I had been instructed, I said pleasantly, 'Good morning and welcome to Wal-Mart.
Nice children you have there. Are they twins?'
The ugly woman stopped yelling long enough to say,
'Hell no, they ain't twins. The oldest one's 9, and the other one's 7.
Why the hell would you think they're twins? Are you blind, or just stupid?'
So I replied,
'I'm neither blind nor stupid, Ma'am,
I just couldn't believe someone slept with you twice.
Have a good day and thank you for shopping at Wal-Mart.'
My supervisor said I probably wasn't cut out for this line of work.

[Versatile]

A man and his wife, moved back home to West Virginia , from Ohio . The husband had a wooden leg, and to insure it back in Ohio cost them $2000. per year!

When they arrived in West Virginia , they went to an insurance agency to see how much it would cost to insure his wooden leg.

The agent looked it up on the computer and said: '$39.'

The husband was shocked and asked why it was so cheap here in West Virginia to insure it because it cost him $2000 in Ohio !

The insurance agent turned his computer screen to the couple and said, 'Well, here it is on the screen, it says: Any wooden structure, with a sprinkler system above it, is $39.... You just have to know how to describe it!'

[Versatile]

Family Tree of Vincent Van Gogh:

His dizzy aunt ----------------------------------------------- Verti Gogh
The brother who ate prunes------------------------------- Gotta Gogh
The brother who worked at a convenience store ------ Stop N Gogh
The grandfather from Yugoslavia ----------------------------- U Gogh
His magician uncle -------------------------------- Where-diddy Gogh
His Mexican cousin ---------------------------------------- A Mee Gogh
The Mexican cousin's American half-brother ------------ Gring Gogh
The nephew who drove a stage coach --------------- Wells-far Gogh
The constipated uncle ------------------------------------- Can't Gogh
The ballroom dancing aunt -------------------------------- Tang Gogh
The bird lover uncle -------------------------------------- Flamin Gogh
The fruit-loving cousin -------------------------------------- Man Gogh
An aunt who taught positive thinking ------------------ Way-to-Gogh
The little bouncy nephew ----------------------------------- Poe Gogh
A sister who loved disco -------------------------------------- Go Gogh
And his niece who travels the country in an RV --- Winnie Bay Gogh

I saw you smiling .. . . there ya Gogh!

[Cali BassMan]

The Ant and the Grasshopper

ORIGINAL VERSION:

The ant works hard in the withering heat all summer long,
building his house and laying in supplies for the winter.
The grasshopper thinks he's a fool and laughs and dances
and plays the summer away. Come winter, the ant is warm
and well fed. The grasshopper has no food or shelter,
so he dies out in the cold.


MODERN VERSION:

The ant works hard in the withering heat all summer long,
building his house and laying in supplies for the winter.
The grasshopper thinks he's a fool and laughs and dances
and plays the summer away. Come winter, the shivering
grasshopper calls a press conference and demands to know
why the ant should be allowed to be warm and well-fed while
others are cold and starving.

CBS, NBC and ABC show up to provide pictures of the shivering
grasshopper next to a video of the ant in his comfortable home
with a table filled with food. America is stunned by the sharp
contrast. How can this be, that in a country of such wealth,
this poor grasshopper is allowed to suffer so?
Kermit the Frog appears on Oprah with the grasshopper, and
everybody cries when they sing, "It's Not Easy Being Green."
Jesse Jackson stages a demonstration in front of the ant's
house, where the news stations film the group singing, "We
shall overcome." Jesse then has the group kneel down to pray
to God for the grasshopper's sake.
Al Gore exclaims in an interview with Peter Jennings that the
ant has gotten rich off the back of the grasshopper, and calls
for an immediate tax hike on the ant to make him pay his "fair
share."
Finally, the EEOC drafts the "Economic Equity and Anti-Grasshopper
Act," retroactive to the beginning of the summer. The ant is
fined for failing to hire a proportionate number of green bugs and,
having nothing left to pay his retroactive taxes, his home is
confiscated by the government.

Michelle gets her old law firm to represent the grasshopper in a
defamation suit against the ant, and the case is tried before a
panel of Federal judges that Barrack had appointed from a list of
single-parent welfare recipients. The ant loses the case.

The story ends as we see the grasshopper finishing up the last
bits of the ant's food while the government house he is in, which
just happens to be the ant's old house, crumbles around him because
he doesn't maintain it. The ant has disappeared in the snow.
The grasshopper is found dead in a drug-related incident and
the house, now abandoned, is taken over by a gang of spiders who
terrorize the once peaceful neighborhood.