MO folks, have any good jokes to share with us?? (most dangerous, shopping mall)

[HMcD]

The other night I was invited out for a night with "the girls." I
told my husband that I would be home by midnight, "I promise."

Well, the hours passed and the margaritas went down way too
easy. Around 3:00 a.m., a bit loaded, I headed for home. Just as I
got in the door, the cuckoo clock in the hall started up and
cuckooed 3 times.

Quickly, realizing my husband would wake up, I cuckooed another
9 times. I was really proud of myself for coming up with such a
quick-witted solution, in order to escape a possible conflict with
him.

(Even when totally smashed.....3 cuckoos plus 9 cuckoos totals
12 cuckoos = midnight.)

The next morning my husband asked my what time I got in and I
told him "midnight." He didn't seem upset at all.

Whew! Got away with that one!

Then he said, "We need a new cuckoo clock."

When I asked him why, he said, "Well, last night our clock
cuckooed 3 times, then said, "Oh ****", cuckooed 4 more times,
cleared its throat, cuckooed another 3 times, giggled, cuckooed
twice more, and then tripped over the coffee table and farted."

[HMcD]

A teacher is explaining biology to her 4th grade students. 'Human beings are the only animals that stutter,' she says.

A little girl raises her hand. 'I had a kitty-cat who stuttered.'

The teacher, knowing how precious some of these stories could become, asked the girl to describe the incident.

'Well', she began, 'I was in the back yard with my kitty and the Rottweiler
that lives next door got a running start and before we knew it, he jumped
over the fence into our yard!' That must've been scary,' said the teacher.
'It sure was,' said the little girl.

'My kitty raised her back, went "Ffffff! Ffffff!, Ffffff," but before she
could say it' the Rottweiler ate her!

The teacher had to leave the room.

[Versatile]

Two tall trees, a birch and a beech, are growing in the woods. A small
tree begins to grow between them, and the beech says to the birch, 'Is
that a son of a beech or a son of a birch?' The birch says he cannot
tell, but just then a woodpecker lands on the sapling.

The birch says, 'Woodpecker, you are a tree expert. Can you tell if that
is a son of a beech or a son of a birch?'

The woodpecker takes a taste of the small tree and replies, 'It is
neither a son of a beech nor a son of a birch. It is, however, the best
piece of ash I have ever poked my pecker into.

[Versatile]

Vern came home after a hard day's work and saw his wife ironing a
bra. He said, "I don't know why you're ironing it. You don't have
anything to put in there."

She replied, "I iron your shorts, don't I?"

[Versatile]

The wife's bright idea...
One frosty cold snowy winter day ,Harry was walking down main street--stark NAKED!..his friend Jerry sees him,and as he gets closer and realizes Harry is naked,he yells at him --"what the H*** are ya doing Harry,walking around in public with NO CLOTHES ON??...trying to get arrested???..are you crazy??..

Jerry then puts his coat over Harry,to cover him up..

Then Harry Explains..

"It's my WIFE'S "bright idea" Jerry...you see,yesterday morning ,I walked to the drugstore without a scarf..and I got a stiff neck!!!..

[HMcD]

Apparently the American Medical Associationhas weighed in on the new economic stimulus package and the idea of socializedmedicine plus Medicare reform....

The Allergists voted to scratch it, but the Dermatologists advised not to make any rash moves.

The Gastroenterologists had sort of a gut feeling about it,but the Neurologists thought the Administration had a lot of nerve.

The Obstetricians felt they were all laboring under a misconception.

Ophthalmologists considered the idea shortsighted.

Pathologists yelled, "Over my dead body!" whilethe Pediatricians said, 'Oh, Growup!'

The Psychiatrists thought the whole idea was madness, while the Radiologists could see right through it.

Surgeons decided to wash their hands of the whole thing.

The Internists thought it was a bitter pill to swallow, andthe Plastic Surgeons said, "This puts a whole new face on the matter."

The Podiatrists thought it was a step forward, but the Urologistswere pissed off at the whole idea.

The Anesthesiologists thought the whole idea was a gas, andthe Cardiologists didn't have the heart to say no.

In the end, the Proctologists won out, leaving the entiredecision up to the a******s in Washington!

[Versatile]

Tiny Cabin
A social worker from a big City in Massachusetts recently transferred to the Mountains of North Carolina and Georgia and was on the first tour of her new territory when she came upon the tiniest cabin she had ever seen in her life. Intrigued, she went up and knocked on the door.. 'Anybody home?' she asked 'Yep,' came a kid's voice through the door.

'Is your father there?' asked the social worker. 'Pa? Nope, he left afore Ma came in,' said the kid. 'Well, is your mother there?' persisted the social worker. 'Ma? Nope, she left just afore I got here,' said the kid. 'But,' protested the social worker with a catch in her voice..., 'are you all alone... I mean, never together as a family?'



'Sure, lady...but not here,' said the kid through the door. 'This is the outhouse!'

[Versatile]

The Talking Clock
THE TALKING CLOCK

After closing time at the bar, a drunk was proudly showing off his new apartment to a couple of his drinking buddies. He led the way to his bedroom where there was a big brass gong and a mallet.

'What's that big brass gong?' one of the guests asked.

'It's not a gong. It's a talking clock,' the drunk replied.

'A talking clock? Seriously?' asked his astonished friends.

'Yup,' replied the drunk.

'How's it work?' the friends asked, squinting at it.

'Watch,' the drunk replied. He picked up the mallet, gave the gong an ear-shattering pound and stepped back.

The three stood looking at one another for a moment.......

Suddenly, someone on the other side of the wall screamed, 'You idiot! It's three-fifteen in the morning!'

[Versatile]

Disturbing News
My doctor neighbor got fired from his job yesterday for sexual harassment of his patients. It’s a real shame to, because he was a good vet.

[misplaced1]

Q. Why is a Laundromat a bad place for a guy to pick up women?
A. Women who can't even afford a washing machine will never be able to support you!


Q. How many honest, intelligent, caring men in the world does it take to do the dishes?
A. Both of them.

Q. What is the difference between a golf ball and a g-spot?
A. Men will spend two hours searching for a golf ball.