MO folks, have any good jokes to share with us?? (Northwoods: loan, hotel)

[Northwoods Voyager]

Originally Posted by ShadowCaver

ain't gonna tell!!!

ya gotta guess...

rolling on floor laughing my f------ butt off...

[ShadowCaver]

Originally Posted by Northwoods Voyager

rolling on floor laughing my f------ butt off...

f,,, furry!!!

Hobbes be furry!!!

sheesh, lady, while I am indeed a creature of the woods and forests, I do have my manners [well, I do have some, somewhere, they are somewhere, and may be misplaced at times, but,,, hmmm,,, come to think of it, which box did I have them in last? ], and being a proper tiger, we are furry, no? Therefore, you are correct, excepting that one letter...

So, with all explained now... and to get us back on track, here ya go:


A turtle was walking down an alley in New York when he was mugged by a gang of snails.

A police detective came to investigate and asked the turtle if he could explain what happened.

The turtle looked at the detective with a confused look on his face and replied “I don't know, it all happened so fast.”

[leggo]

One of my favorites. Enjoy

A young reporter went to a retirement home to interview an aged but
legendary explorer. The reporter asked the old man to tell him the
most frightening experience he had ever had.


The old explorer said, "Once I was hunting Bengal tigers in the
jungles of India. I was on a narrow path and my faithful native
gunbearer was behind me. Suddenly the largest tiger I have ever seen
leaped onto the path in front of us. I turned to get my weapon only to
find the native had fled. The tiger leapt toward me with a mighty
ROARRRR! I soiled myself."


The reporter said, "Under those circumstances anyone would have done the same."


The old explorer said, "No, not then - just now when I went ROARRRR!"

[Lake Junkie]

Bubba went to a psychiatrist. " I've got problems. Every time I go to bed I think there's somebody under it. I'm scared. I think I'm going crazy."

"Just put yourself in my hands for one year," said the shrink. "Come talk to me three times a week, and we should be able to get rid of those fears."

"How much do you charge?"

"Eighty dollars per visit, replied the doctor."
"I'll sleep on it," said Bubba.

Six months later the doctor met Bubba on the street. "Why didn't you ever come to see me about those fears you were having?" asked the psychiatrist.

"Well Eighty bucks a visit three times a week for a year is an awful lot of money! A bartender cured me for $10. I was so happy to have saved all that money that I went and bought me a new pickup!"

"Is that so! And how, may I ask, did a bartender cure you?"

"He told me to cut the legs off the bed! - Ain't nobody under there now !!!"

[Lake Junkie]

An old man, Mr. Goldstein, was living the last of his life in a nursing home.
One day he appeared to be very sad and depressed. Nurse Tracy asked if there was anything wrong.

"Yes, Nurse Tracy ," said Mr. Goldstein, "My Private Part died today, and I am very sad."

Knowing her patients were forgetful and sometimes a little crazy, she replied, "Oh, I'm so sorry, Mr. Goldstein, please accept my condolences.

The following day, Mr Goldstein was walking down the hall with his "Private Part" hanging out his pajamas, when he met Nurse Tracy.

"Mr. Goldstein," she said, "You shouldn't be walking down the hall like that. Please put your "Private Part" back inside your pajamas."

But, Nurse Tracy," replied Mr. Goldstein, "I told you yesterday that my "Private Part" died."

"Yes, you did tell me that, but why is it hanging out of your pajamas?"




(You gotta love this!!!!!!!!!!!)

"Well," he replied, "Today's the viewing."

[Northwoods Voyager]

Originally Posted by Lake Junkie

An old man, Mr. Goldstein, was living the last of his life in a nursing home.
One day he appeared to be very sad and depressed. Nurse Tracy asked if there was anything wrong.

"Yes, Nurse Tracy ," said Mr. Goldstein, "My Private Part died today, and I am very sad."

Knowing her patients were forgetful and sometimes a little crazy, she replied, "Oh, I'm so sorry, Mr. Goldstein, please accept my condolences.

The following day, Mr Goldstein was walking down the hall with his "Private Part" hanging out his pajamas, when he met Nurse Tracy.

"Mr. Goldstein," she said, "You shouldn't be walking down the hall like that. Please put your "Private Part" back inside your pajamas."

But, Nurse Tracy," replied Mr. Goldstein, "I told you yesterday that my "Private Part" died."

"Yes, you did tell me that, but why is it hanging out of your pajamas?"




(You gotta love this!!!!!!!!!!!)

"Well," he replied, "Today's the viewing."

followed by a big GROANNNNNNNNNNNN

[ShadowCaver]

LJ - that was bad!!!

Thanks!!!



Of course, I really do not believe the following to be true,,, at all...



A dietician was once addressing a large audience in Chicago. "The material we put into our stomachs is enough to have killed most of us sitting here, years ago. Red meat is awful. Vegetables can be disastrous, and none of us realizes the germs in our drinking water. But there is one thing that is the most dangerous of all and we all of us eat it. Can anyone here tell me what lethal product I'm referring to? You, sir, in the first row, please give us your idea."

The man lowered his head and said, "Wedding cake."

[Lake Junkie]

Originally Posted by ShadowCaver

A dietician was once addressing a large audience in Chicago. "The material we put into our stomachs is enough to have killed most of us sitting here, years ago. Red meat is awful. Vegetables can be disastrous, and none of us realizes the germs in our drinking water. But there is one thing that is the most dangerous of all and we all of us eat it. Can anyone here tell me what lethal product I'm referring to? You, sir, in the first row, please give us your idea."

The man lowered his head and said, "Wedding cake."

I'm thinkin that's not a joke, my friend.

[da jammer]

SC, you're killin' with these "jokes".....

[ShadowCaver]

Originally Posted by Lake Junkie

I'm thinkin that's not a joke, my friend.

I am terribly sorry. Please forgive me, I do not know that which I am doing. I am but a simple hillbilly.
To help in my errant ways, maybe the following will help make amends?


One day, after a near eternity in the Garden of Eden, Adam calls out to God, "Lord, I have a problem."

"What's the problem, Adam?" God replies.

"Lord, I know you created me and have provided for me and surrounded me with this beautiful garden and all of these wonderful animals, but I'm just not happy."

"Why is that, Adam?" comes the reply from the heavens.

"Lord, I know you created this place for me, with all this lovely food and all of the beautiful animals, but I am lonely."

"Well Adam, in that case I have the perfect solution. I shall create a 'woman' for you."

"What's a 'woman,' Lord?"

"This 'woman' will be the most intelligent, sensitive, caring, and beautiful creature I have ever created. She will be so intelligent that she can figure out what you want before you want it. She will be so sensitive and caring that she will know your every mood and how to make you happy. Her beauty will rival that of the heavens and earth. She will unquestioningly care for your every need and desire. She will be the perfect companion for you", replies the heavenly voice.

"Sounds great."

"She will be, but this is going to cost you, Adam."

"How much will this 'woman' cost me Lord?" Adam replies.

"She'll cost you a leg, an arm, an eye, an ear, and a testicle."




Adam ponders this for some time, with a look of deep thought and concern on his face. Finally Adam asks God, "Uh, what can I get for a rib?"