MO folks, have any good jokes to share with us?? (California: transfer to, farm)

[HMcD]

A man takes the day off work and decides to go out golfing. He is on the second hole when he notices a frog sitting next to the green. He thinks nothing of it and is about to shoot when he hears, Rib bit 9 Iron."
The man looks around and doesn't see anyone. Again, he hears, "Rib bit 9 Iron." He looks at the frog and decides to prove the frog wrong, puts the club away, and grabs a 9 iron.
Boom! He hits it 10 inches from the cup. He is shocked. He says to the frog, "Wow that's amazing. You must be a lucky frog, eh?
The frog replies, "Rib bit Lucky frog." The man decides to take the frog with him to the next hole.
"What do you think frog?" the man asks. "Rib bit 3 wood."
The guy takes out a 3 wood and, Boom! Hole in one. The man is befuddled and doesn't know what to say. By the end of the day, the man golfed the best game of golf in his life and asks the frog, "OK where to next?"
The frog replies, "Rib bit Las Vegas.
" They go to Las Vegas and the guy says, "OK frog, now what?" The frog says, "Rib bit Roulette." Upon approaching the roulette table, The man asks, "What do you think I should bet?" The frog replies, "Rib bit $3000, black 6."
Now, this is a million-to-one shot to win, but after the golf game the man figures what the heck.
Boom! Tons of cash comes sliding back across the table.
The man takes his winnings and buys the best room in the hotel. He sits the frog down and says, "Frog, I don't know how to repay you. You've won me all this money and I am forever grateful."
The frog replies, "Rib bit Kiss Me." He figures why not, since after all the frog did for him, he deserves it. With a kiss, the frog turns into a gorgeous 15-year-old girl.



"And that, your honor, is how the girl ended up in my room. So help me God"

[Versatile]

A teacher was speaking to her third grade class one day...


"Human beings are the only animals that stutter," she said.

A little girl raises her hand. "I had a kitty-cat who stuttered."

The teacher, knowing how precious some of these stories
could become, asked the girl to describe the incident.

"Well", she began, "I was in the back yard with my kitty and the
Rottweiler that lives next door got a running start and before we knew it, he jumped over the fence into our yard!"

"That must've been scary," said the teacher.

"It sure was," said the little girl. "My kitty raised her back,
went Sssss, Sssss, Sssss and before she could say 's**t,' the
Rottweiler ate her! "

The teacher had to leave the room.

[Versatile]

Can't fool Mom
Brian invited his mother over for dinner. During the course of the meal, Brian's mother couldn't help but notice how beautiful Brian's roommate, Jennifer, was. Brian's Mom had long been suspicious of a relationship between Brian and Jennifer, and this had only made her more curious.

Over the course of the evening, while watching the two interact, she started to wonder if there was more between Brian and Jennifer than met the eye.

Reading his mom's thoughts, Brian volunteered, " I know what you must
be thinking, but I assure you Jennifer and I are just roommates."

About a week later, Jennifer came to Brian saying, "Ever since your mother came to dinner, I've been unable to find the beautiful silver gravy ladle. You don't suppose she took it, do you?"

Brian said, "Well, I doubt it, but I'll send her an e-mail just to be sure. So he sat down and wrote:

Dear Mom,

I'm not saying that you "did" take the gravy ladle from the house,
I'm not saying that you "did not" take the gravy ladle.
But the fact remains that one has been missing ever since you were here for dinner.

Love, Brian
___________________________________

Several days later, Brian received an email back from his mother that read:

Dear Son,

I'm not saying that you "do" sleep with Jennifer, I'm not saying that you "do not" sleep with Jennifer.
But the fact remains that if Jennifer is sleeping in her own bed, she would have found the gravy ladle by now.

Love, Mom

[Versatile]

Strange Quotes on "Stupidity"

In politics stupidity is not a handicap.

I am patient with stupidity, but not with those who are proud of it.

Stupidity has a certain charm - ignorance does not.

STUPIDITY is NOT a HANDICAP! Park elsewhere!

There is nothing worse than aggressive stupidity.

Man has made use of his intelligence, he invented stupidity.

Never underestimate the power of human stupidity.

Tis sometimes the height of wisdom to feign stupidity.

'Stupidity if left untreated is self-correcting' RAH.

There are four things that hold back human progress. Ignorance, stupidity, committees and accountants.

Artificial Intelligence usually beats real stupidity.

[Versatile]

The Unofficial Drivers Test


We've all seen it. People change when they get behind the wheel of a car.
So now, to profile your personality, here is the special Driving Test...

1: Which part of your car wears out most often?
a: the wiper blades
b: the belts
c: the horn

2: Automatic door locks are good for...
a: security
b: convenience
c: messing with the heads of people trying to get in

3: I hate the rain because...
a: it lowers visibility and makes for less safe conditions
b: I answered (a) to question #1
c: I just washed my car

4: Please select the statement that best describes you.
a: I have never written in the dust on someone's car
b: I have written "wash me" in the dust on someone's car
c: I have drawn genitalia in the dust on someone's car

5: The "bright" setting on your headlights is for...
a: dark, poorly lit roads
b: flashing to get the car ahead to move out of the way
c: revenge!

6: I have enough power in my car stereo system to...
a: get it loud enough to drown out road noise
b: get it headbanging loud for my Metallica CD
c: cause permanent hearing loss to anyone within ten feet

7: How many times have you been pulled over for speeding in the last year?
a: zero or one, because I'm generally a safe driver
b: two or three, because I've had some unlucky breaks
c: before or after they took my license away?

8: What hand gesture do you use most while driving?
a: "go ahead"
b: "thank you"
c: "@#!*&%^!"

9: When a bicyclist is next to you, you should...
a: be aware of them
b: speed up and get past them
c: open the door

10: Your rear view mirror is for...
a: watching for approaching cars
b: watching for approaching police cars
c: checking your hair

11: If you are driving and you begin to feel very sleepy, you should...
a: pull off to the side of the road and rest
b: stop at the next convenience mart and get a liter of coffee or Mountain Dew
c: drive faster

12: The Highway Patrol exists to...
a: ensure the safety of all motorists
b: issue as many tickets as possible
c: keep donut shops in business

13: You are supposed to signal a turn or lane change...
a: 50 feet prior
b: 25 feet prior
c: right after you do it

14: If I had a lot of money, I'd spend it on...
a: a minivan
b: a really cool sports car or 4-wheeler
c: bail

15: The best thing about a chauffeured limousine is...
a: I don't have to drive
b: I can stretch out, relax, and have a drink
c: leaning out the open sunroof and shouting at and/or flashing people


How to score the quiz:

Give yourself one point for every A, two for every B, and three for
every C. Tally up the points and consult the list below.

15-24 Points
You're a good driver. You watch the speed limit, remain calm, and
observe not only the rules of the road, but also the etiquette. And
since you drive so safely and so politely, you'll live a long time.
Long enough to decelerate with each passing decade until you're one of
those old people in a big car, going ten miles under the speed limit
in the fast lane and pissing all the rest of us off.

25-35 Points
Hey! Joe Average! You're a decent driver without being boring. You
get where you're going fast without too much danger. In fact, you're
the type of person we all like to ride with. Well, all of us except
your mother, because "you're going too fast! Watch out for that car
in front of you! You're going to kill us all!"

36-45 Points
Remember in driver's education class when they told us to drive
defensively? You're the reason.

[Okey Dokie]

A couple were at the marriage counselor's. The wife said, "I just need some affection." The counselor got up from his desk, walked around and put his arms around the wife and gave her a hug. "Is that what you mean?" he asked. The wife said yes. The counselor looks at the husband. The husband says, "I can bring her in on Tuesdays and Thursdays. Is that okay?"

[Versatile]

1. I think part of a best friend's job should be to immediately clear your computer history if you die.


2. Nothing sucks more than that moment during an argument when you realize you're wrong.


3. I totally take back all those times I didn't want to nap when I was younger.


4. There is great need for a sarcasm font.


5. How the hell are you supposed to fold a fitted sheet?


6. Was learning cursive really necessary?

7. Map Quest really needs to start their directions on #5. I'm pretty sure I know how to get out of my neighborhood.


8. no 8


9. I can't remember the last time I wasn't at least kind of tired.


10. Bad decisions make good stories.


11. You never know when it will strike, but there comes a moment at work when you know that you just aren't going to do anything productive for the rest of the day.


12. Can we all just agree to ignore whatever comes after Blue Ray? I don't want to have to restart my collection...again.


13. I'm always slightly terrified when I exit out of Word and it asks me if I want to save any changes to my ten-page research paper that I swear I did not make any changes to.


14. "Do not machine wash or tumble dry" means I will never wash this -- ever.


15. I hate when I just miss a call by the last ring (Hello? Hello? Damn it!), but when I immediately call back, it rings nine times and goes to voicemail. What'd you do after I didn't answer? Drop the phone and run away?


16. I hate leaving my house confident and looking good and then not seeing anyone of importance the entire day. What a waste.


17. I keep some people's phone numbers in my phone just so I know not to answer when they call.


18. My 4-year old son asked me in the car the other day " Dad what would happen if you ran over a ninja?" How the hell do I respond to that?


19. I think the freezer deserves a light as well.


20. I don't agree with Kay Jewelers. I think on Friday or Saturday night more kisses begin with Miller Lite than Kay.


21. Why do TV manufacturers measure the picture diagonally? Have I been watching it wrong all these years?


22. Why do they say the wind is "Out of the " north south east or west? When the direction of everything else on earth is determined by the direction something is moving, not from where it came.


23. If all mules are sterile...where the hell are they all coming from?


24. I don't know anybody who quit drinking their favorite alcoholic beverage once they read the warning label. Stop wasting the ink.


25. Don't buy me a kitchen utensil that's stamped " Not dishwasher safe" when you know damn well I own a dishwasher.

[Versatile]

Then & Now
Then: Long hair.
Now: Longing for hair.

Then: Keg
Now: EKG.

Then: Acid rock
Now: Acid reflux.

Then: Moving to California because it's cool.
Now: Moving to California because it's warm.

Then: You're growing pot.
Now: You're growing a pot.

Then: Watching John Glenn's historic flight with your parents.
Now: Watching John Glenn's historic flight with your kids.

Then: Trying to look like Marlon Brando or Elizabeth Taylor.
Now: Trying not to look like Marlon Brando or Elizabeth Taylor.

Then: Seeds and stems.
Now: Roughage.

Then: Popping pills, smoking joints.
Now: Popping joints.

Then: Our president's struggle with Fidel.
Now: Our president's struggle with fidelity.

Then: Paar.
Now: AARP.

Then: Being caught with Hustler magazine.
Now: Being caught by Hustler magazine.

Then: Killer weed.
Now: Weed killer.

Then: Hoping for a BMW.
Now: Hoping for a BM.

Then: The Grateful Dead.
Now: Dr. Kevorkian.

Then: Getting out to a new, hip joint.
Now: Getting a new hip joint.
__________________

[Versatile]

Two Radical Arab Terrorists

boarded a flight out of London .

One took a window seat and the other sat next to him in the middle seat.

Just before takeoff, a U.S. Marine

sat down in the aisle seat.
After takeoff,

the Marine kicked his shoes off,

wiggled his toes and was settling in when the Arab in the window seat said, 'I need to get up and get a coke.'
'Don't get up,' said the Marine,

'I'm in the aisle seat, 'I'll get it for you.'

As soon as he left,

one of the Arabs picked up

the Marines shoe and spat in it.
When the Marine returned,

the other Arab said,

'That looks good, I'd really like one, to.'

Again, the Marine went to fetch it.
While he was gone

the other Arab picked up

the Marines other shoe and spat in it. When the Marine returned,

they all sat back and enjoyed the flight.

As the plane was landing, the Marine slipped his feet into his shoes &

knew immediately what had happened. He leaned over & asked his

Arab neighbors,

'Why does it have to be this way?'

'How long must this go on?

This fighting between our nations?

This hatred?
This animosity?

This spitting in shoes

and pissing in cokes?'


THE FEW. THE PROUD. THE MARINES

[HMcD]

Two blondes from Oklahoma were talking and one asked, " Which do you think it furthest, Florida or the moon?".
"Duh," said the other, "can you see Florida?"

**

A police officer stops a pretty blond for speeding.
"May I see your driver's license, please?"
"I wish", she replied, "you guys would get your act together. Just yesterday you took it away from me and now you want me to show it to you."

**

One blonde on the riverside shouts across to the other, "How can I get to the other side?"
The other replies, "you ARE on the other side."

**
A blonde was playing Trivial Pursuit. She rolled the dice and landed on
Science and Nature. The question was; If you are in a vacuum and someone calls your name, will you hear it?

She thought a long time, then asked "Is it off or on?"