MO folks, have any good jokes to share with us?? (Mexico: crime, home)

[ShadowCaver]

Ok,,, now, on a nicer note...


A blind man walked into a bank with his seeing-eye dog that guided him everywhere.

He walked into the center of the bank floor, took the dog by the chain, and started swinging him around his head.

Everyone stopped what they were doing and stared.

The other customers were taken aback and some were very upset at the way the animal was being treated.

One of the tellers ran up to the blind man and asked, "Sir, what are you doing!?!"




The man turned toward the teller and said, "Oh, nothing - just looking around."

[da jammer]

No sex since 1955



A crusty old Marine Sergeant Major found himself at a gala event hosted by a
local liberal arts college.



There was no shortage of extremely young, idealistic ladies in attendance,
one of whom approached the Sergeant Major for conversation.



"Excuse me, Sergeant Major, but you seem to be a very serious man. Is
something bothering you?"



"Negative, ma'am. Just serious by nature."



"The young lady looked at his awards and decorations and said, "It looks
like you have seen a lot of action."



"Yes, ma'am, a lot of action."



The young lady, tiring of trying to start up a conversation, said, "You know
you should lighten up a little. Relax and enjoy yourself."



The Sergeant Major just stared at her in his serious manner



Finally the young lady said, "You know, I hope you don't take this the wrong
way, but when i s the last time you had sex?"



"1955, ma'am."



"Well, there you are. You really need to chill out and quit taking
everything so seriously! I mean, no sex since 1955! She took his hand and
led him to a private room where she proceeded to "relax" him several times.



Afterwards, panting for breath, she leaned against his bare chest and said,
Wow, you sure didn't forget much since 1955!"













The Sergeant Major, glancing at his watch, said in his matter-of-fact voice,
"I hope not, it's only 2130 now."



Don't ya just love military time?

[leggo]

heres a couple more

A drunk guy is walking down the street.

He sees this nun, runs up and knocks her over. He says, "You don't
feel so tough now, do you, Batman!?"

<rimshot please> badabump!

-----------------------------------------------------------

This is terrible...... but here it is anyway!


An English guy was very ill and his son went to visit him in the hospital.

Suddenly, the father began to breathe heavily and grabbed the pen and
pad by the bed. With his last ounce of strength he wrote a note,
dropped it, and died.

The son was so overcome with grief that he didn't remember slipping
the note into his pocket.

At the funeral, he reached into the pocket of his coat and immediately
felt the note. He excitedly read it thinking it might be something he
could recite during the service. It said: YOU WANKER -- GET OFF MY
OXYGEN PIPE!!!

[Lake Junkie]

Originally Posted by ShadowCaver

I am terribly sorry. Please forgive me, I do not know that which I am doing. I am but a simple hillbilly.
To help in my errant ways, maybe the following will help make amends?


One day, after a near eternity in the Garden of Eden, Adam calls out to God, "Lord, I have a problem."

"What's the problem, Adam?" God replies.

"Lord, I know you created me and have provided for me and surrounded me with this beautiful garden and all of these wonderful animals, but I'm just not happy."

"Why is that, Adam?" comes the reply from the heavens.

"Lord, I know you created this place for me, with all this lovely food and all of the beautiful animals, but I am lonely."

"Well Adam, in that case I have the perfect solution. I shall create a 'woman' for you."

"What's a 'woman,' Lord?"

"This 'woman' will be the most intelligent, sensitive, caring, and beautiful creature I have ever created. She will be so intelligent that she can figure out what you want before you want it. She will be so sensitive and caring that she will know your every mood and how to make you happy. Her beauty will rival that of the heavens and earth. She will unquestioningly care for your every need and desire. She will be the perfect companion for you", replies the heavenly voice.

"Sounds great."

"She will be, but this is going to cost you, Adam."

"How much will this 'woman' cost me Lord?" Adam replies.

"She'll cost you a leg, an arm, an eye, an ear, and a testicle."




Adam ponders this for some time, with a look of deep thought and concern on his face. Finally Adam asks God, "Uh, what can I get for a rib?"

Oh....shazbat...somebody finally figured out the rest of the story!
Love ya, SC...

[ShadowCaver]

Originally Posted by Lake Junkie

Oh....shazbat...somebody finally figured out the rest of the story!
Love ya, SC...

Awwwww,,, shuckles... You're making my fur all tingly and blushing...



Anyhow, moving right along...


Two nude statues (one male and one female) had been standing in the middle of a beautiful park for 99 years.

On their 100th anniversary in the park an angel came down from heaven to talk to the statues.

He said to them, "God has been watching you for the past 100 years and has been very pleased with the two of you. So pleased in fact that he has decided to grant you a wish of becoming human for a short time."

The angel then went on to say that they would be human for thirty minutes and will finally be able to pleasure themselves in a manner in which they have only fantasized about for the last 100 years.

The statues were so excited they could hardly believe it. The second they became human they ran off together behind the bushes. The angel heard the rustling of the bushes and shouts of joy and laughter.

After 20 minutes the statues returned from behind the bushes sweating and laughing.

The angel told the statues that they still had 10 more minutes.

The male statue quickly turned to the female statue lady, smiled, and said, "Cool, this time you hold down the pigeon and I'll crap on its head."

[Northwoods Voyager]

Down in Cancun, a little ole lady walks into the bar of her hotel. Bartenderasks what she would like...
She looks at him and says: 'I am celebrating my 80th birthday and I would like a glass of your best scotch with two drops of water.' Bartender fixes her drink and places it in front of her. she drinks this.

Man on her right, says, 'Hey let me buy you a birthday drink, whatta ya have?'

Little old lady replies, 'a glass of your best scotch with 2 drops of water.'

Next the man on her left joins in and tells hime to give the little old lady anything she wants. Little old lady tells the bartender that she'll have a glass of his best scotch with 2 drops of water.

Bartender makes this drink for her and as he places it in front of her, asks, 'why do you want 2 drops of water in your scotch?

Little old lady looks him in the eye and says:

"Well, you see, over the years I have learned to hold my liquor, BUT,

I can't hold my water'

[Northwoods Voyager]

Colonoscopies are no joke, but these comments during the exam were quite humorous...A physician claimed that the following were actual comments made by his patients (predominately male) while he was performing their colonoscopies:

'Take it easy doc,. You're boldly going where no man has gone before'
'Find Amelia Earhart yet?'
'Can you hear me now?'

'Are we there yet? Are we there yet? Are we there yet?'
'You know, in Arkansas, we're now legally married'
'Any sign of the trapped miners, Chief?'

'You put your left hand in, you take your left hand out.'
'Hey, Now I know how a Muppet feels'
'If your hand doesn't fit, you MUST quit'

'Hey Doc, let me know of you find my dignity.'
'You used to be an executive at Enron, didn't you?'
'God, now I know why I am not gay'

And the best one of all:

'Could you write a note to my wife saying that my head is NOT up here?'

[Lake Junkie]

Northwoods...yr killin me...

[Northwoods Voyager]

Wait, I gots sum more fer yas:

Here be another one: But I'll break it down into many posts

King Ozymandias of Assyria was running low on cash after years of war with the Hittites. His last great possession was the Star of the Euphrates, the most valuable diamond in the ancient world. Desperate. he went to Croesus, the pawnbroker, to ask for a loan. Croesus said, "I'll give you 100,000 diners for it". 'But I paid a million dinars for it", the King protested. "Don't you know who I am? I am the King!"
Croesus replied, "When you wish to pawn a Star, makes no difference who you are."

[Northwoods Voyager]

Then of course, there is this one:

Evidence has been found that William Tell and his family were avid bowlers. However, all the Swiss league records were unfortunately destroyed in a fire, and we'll never know for whom the Tells bowled. HEE HEE HEE