MO folks, have any good jokes to share with us?? (Northwoods: movers, lawyers)

[Northwoods Voyager]

Now, inf yas be wanten jest a tad bit more:

Back in the 1800', the Tates Watch Company of Massachusetts wanted to produce other products and, since they already made cases for watches, they used them to produce compasses. The new compasses were so bad that people often ended up in Canada or Mexico rather than California. This, of course, is the origin of the expression: 'He who has a Tates is lost'

[Northwoods Voyager]

A man rushed into a busy doctor's office and shouted "Doctor! I think I'm shrinking!!" The doctor calming responded. "Now settle down. You'll just have to be a little patient."

An Indian chief was feeling very sick, so he summoned the medicine man. After a brief examination, the medicine man took out a long, thin strip of elk rawhide and gave it to the chief, telling him to bite it off, chew, and swallow one inch of the leather every day. After a month, the medicine man returned to see how the chief was feeling. The chief shrugged and said, "The thong is ended, but the malady lingers on."

[Northwoods Voyager]

Can you stand a couple of more? Ya shure 'bout that?

Ok, here goes:

A famous Viking explorer returned home from a voyage and found his name missing from the town register. His wife insisted on complaining to the local civic official who apologized profusely saying, :I must have taken Leif off my census."

Then:

There were three Indian squaws. One slept on a deer skin, one slept on an elk skin, and the third slept on a hippopotamus skin. All three became pregnant, and the first two each had a baby boy. The one who slept on the hippopotamus skin had twin boys. This goes to prove that the squaw of the hippopotamus is equal to the sons of the squaws of the other two hides.


Enough already? Okay. Thhaaaattt'sssss allll foollkkksss

[ShadowCaver]

Can somebody please turn off this lady's internet connection?!?!?

To counter her terrible jokes, I must fire off some even worser ones!!!

What do you feed an invisible cat?
ANSWER: Evaporated milk

Why did the one handed man cross the road??
ANSWER: cause the second hand store was across the street.

What did the mother buffalo say to her child as he left for school?
ANSWER: Bison!

Why did the turtle cross the street?
ANSWER: To get to the Shell station!!

,,,and my personal favorite,,,

What do you get if you light a duck's tail?
ANSWER: A firequacker.

[Northwoods Voyager]

Sorry, you asked for it~ here goes:

A father passing by his son's bedroom was astonished to see that his bed was nicely made and everything was picked up. then he saw an envelope propped up prominently on the pillow and addressed to "Dad". With the worst premonition he opened the envelope with trembling hands and read the hand written letter.

Dear Dad:

It is with great regret and sorrow that I'm writing to you. I had to elope with my new girlfriend because I wanted to avoid a scene with you and Mom.
I have been finding real passion with Stacey and she is so nice.

But I knew you would not approve of her because of all her piercing, tattoos, tight motorcycle clothes, and the fact that she is much older than I am. But it's not only the passion...Dad, she's pregnant.

Stacey said we will be very happy.

She owns a double wide trailer in the woods in mid Missouri and has a stack of firewood for the whole winter. We share a dream of having many more children.

Stacey has opened my eyes to the fact that marijuana doesn't really hurt anyone. We'll be growing it for ourselves and trading it with the other people that live nearby and in Southwest Missouri for cocaine and ecstasy.

In the meantime we will pray that science will soon find a cure for AIDS so Stacey can get better. She deserves it. Don't worry Dad. I'm 15 and I know how to handle myself.

Someday I'm sure that we will be back to visit so that you can get to know your grandchildren.


Love,

Your son, John







ps. Dad, none of the above is true. I'm over at Tommy's house. I just wanted to remind you that there are worse things in life than a report card that's in my center desk drawer. I love you. Please call me when it's safe to come home.

[bentaxlecrew]

aaahhhh man c'mon. ok ok how about, rotton old females love mens flatulent body oder?

[ShadowCaver]

Since somebody thinks that I be fuuny , here be some huumor for yas...


A man was driving down the road with twenty penguins in the back seat.

The police stop him and say that he can't drive around with the penguins in the car and should take them to the zoo.

The man says ok, agrees, and drives off.

The next day the same man is driving down the road with the twenty penguins in the back.

He is stopped by the same police officer who says, "Hey! I though I told you to take those to the zoo."



The man replies "I did. And now today I'm taking them to the movies."

[Northwoods Voyager]

Okay, give me a brief period of time, I'll come back w/some.
very good, by the way.....:0

[kareybear]

Ok since you all got cracked up jokes here is a few.Boy I am so glad my husband didn't see this thread. He would up all in it.

Did you hear about the GERM?
Never mind don't want to spread it all over

There a mommy tomatoes and a baby tomatoe walking to the store. The baby tomatoes is laging behind so the mom tomatoe turned around a said KETCHUP

What do camels like to wear?
Camel-flage

What do birds have after they finish dinner?
A TWEET

What do snakes use to eat with?
Slither-ware

[da jammer]

This happened on a flight getting ready to depart for New Orleans.

Jack was sitting on the plane when a guy took the seat beside him. The guy was an emotional wreck, pale, hands shaking, moaning in fear.

"What's the matter?" Jack asked.

"I've been transferred to New Orleans, there's crazy people there. They've got lots of shootings, gangs, race riots, drugs, poor public schools, and the highest crime rate."

Jack replied, "I've lived in New Orleans all my life. It's not as bad as the media says. Find a nice home, go to work, mind your own business, enroll your kids in a nice private school. It's as safe a place as anywhere in the world."

The guy relaxed and stopped shaking and said, "Oh, thank you. I've been worried to death. But if you live there and say it's OK, I'll take your word for it. What do you do for a living?"

"Me?" said Jack. "I'm a tail gunner on a Budweiser truck."