MO folks, have any good jokes to share with us?? (Washington: garage door, eat)

[Versatile]

36 Stress Related Expressions - Use Carefully!

Click Here!
Some really good expressions for the stressed and irritated .…

1. "I'm not tense, just terribly, terribly alert."

2. "You say I'm a ***** like it's a bad thing?!"

3. "How many times do I have to flush before you go away?"

4. "Well this day was a total waste of make-up"

5. "Well aren't we a Bloody ray of sunshine?"

6. "Don't bother me, I'm living happily ever after."

7. "Do I look like a ****ing people's person!"

8. "This isn't an office. It's HELL with flourescent lighting"

9. "I started out with nothing & still have most of it left"

10. "I pretend to work, they pretend to pay me"

11. "YOU!!... off my planet!!!"

12. "Therapy is expensive. Popping bubble plastic is cheap. You choose"

13. "Practise random acts of intelligence and senseless acts of selfcontrol"

14. "Errors have been made. Others will be blamed"

15. "And your cry-baby, whiny-assed opinion would be.....?"

16. "I'm not crazy. I've been in a very bad mood for 30 years."

17. "Sarcasm is just one more service I offer."

18. "Whatever kind of look you were going for, you missed"

19. "Do they ever shut up on your planet?"

20. "I'm not your type. I'm not inflatable"

21. "Stress is when you wake up screaming and you realise you haven't gone to sleep yet"

22. "Back off!! You're standing in my aura."

23. "Don't worry. I forgot your name too."

24. "I just want revenge. Is that so wrong?"

25. "I work 45 hours a week to be this poor."

26. "Nice perfume. Must you marinate in it."

27. "Not all men are annoying. Some are dead."

28. "Wait...I'm trying to imagine you with a personality"

29. "Chaos, panic and disorder . . . my work here is done."

30. "Ambivalent? Well yes and no."

31. "You look like ****. Is that the style now?"

32. "Earth is full. Go home."

33. "Aw, did I step on your poor itty bitty ego?"

34."Okay, okay! I take it back. Un**** you!!!"

35. "A hard-on doesn't count as personal growth."

36. " You are depriving some village of an idiot."Ah I feel so much better!

[Versatile]

Stupid Questions Asked of Park Rangers


Grand Canyon National Park:


Was this man-made?

Do you light it up at night?

I bought tickets for the elevator to the bottom -- where is it?

Is the mule train air conditioned?

So where are the faces of the presidents?


Everglades National Park:


Are the alligators real?

Are the baby alligators for sale?

Where are all the rides?

What time does the two o'clock bus leave?


Denali National Park (Alaska):


What time do you feed the bears?

Can you show me where the yeti lives?

How often do you mow the tundra?

How much does Mount McKinley weigh?


Mesa Verde National Park:


Did people build this, or did Indians?

Why did they build the ruins so close to the road?

Do you know of any undiscovered ruins?

Why did the Indians decide to live in Colorado?


Carlsbad Caverns National Park:


How much of the cave is underground?

So what's in the unexplored part of the cave?

Does it ever rain in here?

How many ping-pong balls would it take to fill this up?

So what is this -- just a hole in the ground?


Yosemite National Park:


Where are the cages for the animals?

What time do you turn on Yosemite Falls?


Yellowstone National Park:


Does Old Faithful erupt at night?

How do you turn it on?

When does the guy who turns it on get to sleep?

We had no trouble finding the park entrances, but where are the exits?

[mrghx4]

First off, this is quite a funny thread. BUT there's been a lot of repeating within the last year or so (mostly unique material before page 60 or so - noticeably not as much since!).

In a feeble effort to keep things rolling I'll add a little myself ...

I heartily apologize for this pun-ishment, but for those with the right kind of mind, or very little mind, these are a fun read:


Those who jump off a bridge in Paris are in Seine.

A man's home is his castle, in a manor of speaking.

Dijon vu - the same mustard as before.

Practice safe eating - always use condiments.

Shotgun wedding - A case of wife or death.

A man needs a mistress just to break the monogamy.

A hangover is the wrath of grapes.

Dancing cheek-to-cheek is really a form of floor play.

Does the name Pavlov ring a bell?

Condoms should be used on every conceivable occasion.

Reading while sunbathing makes you well red.

When two egotists meet, it's an I for an I.

A bicycle can't stand on its own because it is two tired.

What's the definition of a will? (It's a dead give away.)

Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.

In democracy your vote counts. In feudalism your count votes.

She was engaged to a boyfriend with a wooden leg but broke it off.

A chicken crossing the road is poultry in motion.

If you don't pay your exorcist, you get repossessed

With her marriage, she got a new name and a dress.

The man who fell into an upholstery machine is fully recovered.

You feel stuck with your debt if you can't budge it.

Local Area Network in Australia - the LAN down under.

Every calendar's days are numbered.

A lot of money is tainted - Taint yours and taint mine.

A boiled egg in the morning is hard to beat.

He had a photographic memory that was never developed.

A midget fortune-teller who escapes from prison is a small medium at large.

Once you've seen one shopping center, you've seen a mall.

Bakers trade bread recipes on a knead-to-know basis.

Santa's helpers are subordinate clauses.

Acupuncture is a jab well done.


A bunch of these were turned in to a joke contest to see if they'd win. No pun in ten did.

[mrghx4]

OK, this one seems to be pushing the envelope a little for this thread, but it's one of the few that I know that wasn't already here ...

A Mexican, American, and Englishman were flying back from a trip over the ocean when the pilot yells back "We're too heavy to make it all the way back and we don't have any parachutes. I'm flying pretty low so if one of you jumps out we can send the coastguard back for you once we land"

Bewildered the three passengers look around anxiously at one another until the Englishman stands up and walks over to the open door. He proudly yells "God Save the Queen!" and jumps out. Only a few minutes later the pilot yells back "We're SO close but we're still not going to make it - someone else has GOT to go!".

A few more looks between the remaining two passengers and the American stands up and walks over to the door. He proudly yells "Remember the Alamo!" and throws out the Mexican.

[Versatile]

What doctors say, and what they're really thinking:

"This should be taken care of right away."
I'd planned a trip to Hawaii next month but this is so easy and profitable that I want to fix it before it cures itself.

"Welllllll, what have we here...?"
He has no idea and is hoping you'll give him a clue.

"Let me check your medical history."
I want to see if you've paid your last bill before spending anymore time with you.

"We have some good news and some bad news."
The good news is, I'm going to buy that new BMW. The bad news is, you're going to pay for it.

"Let me schedule you for some tests."
I have a forty percent interest in the lab.

"I'd like to have my associate look at you."
He's going through a messy divorce and owes me a bundle.

"I'd like to prescribe a new drug."
I'm writing a paper and would like to use you for a guinea pig.

"This may smart a little."
Last week two patients bit off their tongues.

"This should fix you up."
The drug company slipped me some big bucks to prescribe this stuff.

"I'd like to run some more tests."
I can't figure out what's wrong. Maybe the kid in the lab can solve this one.

"There is a lot of that going around."
My God, that's the third one this week. I'd better learn something about this.

[Versatile]

19 Things Not To Say To The Officer
1. I can't reach my license unless you hold my beer.
2. Sorry, I didn't realize that my radar detector wasn't on.
3. Aren't you the guy from the village people?
4. Hey you must have been going 125mph just to keep up with me.
5. I thought you had to be in good physical condition to be a cop.
6. Bad cop! No donut!
7. You're gonna check the trunk, aren't you?
8. I was going to be a cop, really, but I decided to finish high school.
9. I pay your salary.
10. That's terrific, the last guy only gave me a warning also.
11. Is that a 9mm? It's nothing compared to this .44 magnum!
12. What do you mean, have I been drinking? You're a trained specialist.
13. Do you know why you pulled me over? Good, at least one of us does.
14. That gut doesn't inspire too much confidence, bet I can outrun you.
15. Didn't I see you get your butt kicked on Cops?
16. Is it true people become cops because they are too dumb to work at McDonalds?
17. I was trying to keep up with traffic.
18. Yes, I know there are no other cars around - that's how far they are ahead of me.
19. Well, when I reached down to pick up my bag of crack, my gun fell off my lap and got lodged between the brake pedal and gas pedal, forcing me to speed out of control.

[misplaced1]

FISHIN STORY
----------------------

Dan and Tom went fishing this morning but after a short time Tom ran out of worms. Then Dan saw a cottonmouth with a frog in his mouth.

Frogs are good bass bass bait.

Knowing the snake couldn't bite him with the frog in his mouth Dan grabbed him right behind the head, took the frog, and put it in my bait bucket.

Now the dilemma was how to release the snake without getting bit. Tom grabbed our bottle of Jack Daniels and poured a little whiskey in its mouth.

His eyes rolled back, he went limp. Dan released him into the lake without incident and we carried on fishing using the frog.

A little later, Tom felt a nudge on his foot. There was that same snake with two frogs in his mouth.

[Versatile]

Strange "Silly" Quotes:

Borrow money from pessimists - they don't expect it back.

Half the people you know are below average.

42.7% of all statistics are made up on the spot.

A conscience is what hurts when all your other parts feel so good.

A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.

All those who believe in telekinesis, raise my hand.

The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.

I almost had a psychic girlfriend but she left me before we met.

OK, so what's the speed of dark?

If everything seems to be going well, you have obviously overlooked something.

Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.

When everything is coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.

Ambition is a poor excuse for not having enough sense to be lazy.

[Versatile]

13 Reasons Why a Handgun is Better than a Woman

1) You can buy a silencer for a handgun.

2) You can trade a .44 for two .22's.

3) You can have a handgun at home and another for the road.

4) If you admire a friend's handgun and tell him so, he will be impressed and let you try a few rounds with it.

5) Your primary handgun doesn't mind if you have a backup.

6) Your handgun will stay with you even if you are out of ammo.

7) A handgun doesn't take up a lot of closet space.

8) Handguns function normally every day of the month.

9) A handgun won't ask, "Do these grips make me look fat?"

10) A handgun does not mind if you go to sleep after you're done using it.

11) You can have more than one handgun living in the same house without having problems.

12) A handgun doesn't care how big your trigger finger is.

13) A handgun won't tell all of its friends if you are a "little fast on the trigger"…

[Versatile]

Strange Answers to Questions on Welfare Claims

I am forwarding my marriage certificate and 6 children. I had 7 but one died, which was baptized on a half sheet of paper.

I am writing to the welfare department to say that my baby was born 2 years old. When do I get my money?

Mrs. Jones has not had any clothes for a year and has been visited regularly by the clergy.

I cannot get sick pay. I have 6 children. Can you tell me why?

I am glad to report that my husband who was reported missing is dead.

This is my eight child, what are you going to do about it?

Please find for certain if my husband is dead; the man I am now living with can't eat or do anything until he knows.

I am very much annoyed to find that you have branded my boy illiterate as this is a dirty lie. I was married to his father a week before he was born.

In answer to your letter, I have given birth to a boy weighing 10 pounds. I hope this is satisfactory.

I am forwarding my marriage certificate and my 3 children, one of which was a mistake, as you will see.

My husband got his project cut off 1 week ago and I haven't had any relief since.

Unless I get my husband's money soon, I will be forced to lead an immortal life.

You have changed my little boy to a girl. Will this make any difference?

I have no children yet, as my husband is a bus driver and works day and night.

In accordance with your instructions, I have given birth to twins in the enclosed envelope.

I want my money as soon as I can get it. I have been in bed with the doctor for 2 months and he doesn't doe me any good. If things don't improve, I will have to send for another doctor.