MO folks, have any good jokes to share with us?? (Clinton: cabin, retire)

[Versatile]

Questions and Answers from AARP Forum

Q: Where can men over the age
of 60 find younger, sexy
women who are interested
in them?
A: Try a bookstore, under fiction.

Q: What can a man do while his
wife is going through
menopause?
A: Keep busy. If you're handy with
tools, you can finish the basement.
When you're done you'll have a
place to live.

Q: Someone has told me that
menopause is mentioned in
the bible. Is that true?
Where can it be found?
A: Yes. Matthew 14:92:
"And Mary rode Joseph's ***
all the way to Egypt ."

Q: How can you increase the
heart rate of your 60-plus
year old husband?
A: Tell him you're pregnant.

Q: How can you avoid that
terrible curse of the elderly
wrinkles?
A: Take off your glasses.

Q: Seriously! What can I do for these Crow's feet and all those wrinkles on my face?
A: Go braless. It will usually pull them out.

Q: Why should 60-plus year old people use valet parking?
A: Valets don't forget where they park your car.

Q: Is it common for 60-plus year olds to have problems with short term memory storage?
A: Storing memory is not a problem, Retrieving it is the problem.

Q: As people age, do they sleep more soundly?
A: Yes, but usually in the afternoon.

Q: Where should 60-plus year olds look for eye glasses?
A: On their foreheads.

Q: What is the most common remark made by 60-plus year olds when they enter antique stores?
A: "Gosh, I remember these!"

[Capt. Dan]

Have you tried the new Tiger Woods Viagra?
Take 1 in the morning and youre good for 18 holes!!!!!!!

[Versatile]

A woman was sitting at a bar enjoying an after work cocktail with her girlfriends when an exceptionally tall, handsome, extremely sexy, middle-aged man entered. He was so striking that the woman could not take her eyes off him.
The young-at-heart man noticed her overly attentive stare and walked directly toward her. (As all men will.)
Before she could offer her apologies for staring so rudely, he leaned over and whispered to her, "I'll do anything, absolutely anything, that you want me to do, no matter how kinky, for $20.00......on one condition."
Flabbergasted, the woman asked what the condition was. The man replied, "You have to tell me what you want me to do in just three words."
The woman considered his proposition for a moment, and then slowly removed a $20 bill from her purse, which she pressed into the man's hand along with her address. She looked deeply into his eyes, and slowly and meaningfully said...


"Clean my house."

[Versatile]

Enjoy some good one-liners and bits from your favorite late-night comedians.
Leno Looks at the Corrupt and the Clueless
Sep 09, 2010

Jay Leno: "U.S. commanders in Afghanistan are ending their zero-tolerance policy on corruption and allowing local officials who are on our side to be 'moderately' corrupt. It's the same policy we have in Congress."

Jay Leno: "Arizona Gov. Jan Brewer stopped speaking during an interview and stared blankly at the camera for 30 seconds. The good news is, she's now eligible to be governor of Alaska."

Jay Leno: "President Obama will be laying out a new economic plan. Apparently, we had an old economic plan."

Jay Leno: "Hillary Clinton opened the Middle East peace talks and said, "People with a history of conflict can learn to live together.' And believe me, she knows what she's talking about."
Comments (0)
Dave & Co. on Veep Rumors and More
Sep 08, 2010

David Letterman: "Hillary Clinton is denying rumors that she will replace Joe Biden as the Vice President in 2012. It's fun to have a Clinton denying stuff again."

Jimmy Fallon: "At the White House yesterday, President Obama told Israelis and Palestinians to reach a peace deal because they might not get another chance soon. That's not really a peace plan. That's how you get a five-year-old to use the bathroom."

Jay Leno: "President Obama is now trying for peace in the Middle East using a two-state solution. I believe the two states are denial and delusion."

Craig Ferguson: "The Department of Labor has launched a new Web site to help unemployed Americans. President Obama said the Web site is amazing and he can't wait to check it out in a few years."
Comments (0)
Jay Looks at Obama's Address
Sep 03, 2010

Jay Leno: "In only his second Oval Office address, President Obama announced the end of Operation Iraqi Freedom. He said we have given the Iraqis a Western-style government. Well, we certainly have, haven't we? Their economy is in shambles, their Congress is corrupt, the country is broke. Welcome aboard!"

Jay Leno: "Before President Obama's address, he called former President George W. Bush. I'm not saying the economy is bad, but he called collect."

Jay Leno: "I guess they had a pretty cordial conversation. President Bush said for the last 19 months, he's been relaxing and playing golf. President Obama said, 'You too?'"

Comments (1)
Jay on Katrina, Clemens and More
Sep 02, 2010

Jay Leno: "President Obama was in New Orleans for the fifth anniversary of Hurricane Katrina. Halfway through his speech, FEMA finally showed up."

Jay Leno: "President Obama said he can't walk around with his birth certificate plastered on his forehead. Apparently he was reacting to new polls that show 1 in 5 Kenyans now believe he was born in Hawaii."

Jay Leno: "Congress is very upset with Roger Clemens because they feel like they were lied to. Good! Now they know how we feel."

Craig Ferguson: "I just got back from vacation. I went on vacation the same time as President Obama. We both had to get away from it all and not do anything of significance. And now we are back and still not doing anything of significance."
Comments (0)
Kimmel Looks at Presidential Fund-Raising
Aug 19, 2010

Jimmy Kimmel: "President Obama was in Hollywood for a star-studded fundraiser. They raised a million dollars and converted him to Scientology."

Jimmy Kimmel: "I don't understand why the President has to drive. He could just flap his ears and fly anywhere."

Jimmy Kimmel: "After three weeks of jury deliberations, Rod Blagojevich was convicted yesterday on only one of the 24 counts against him. The one count he was convicted for? Transporting illegally silky hair across state lines."

[Cali BassMan]

This is good regardless of what side you're on...................







Ex-President Bush, decides to leave the Ranch and go out to sit in a local Crawford bar. A guy walks in and asks the barman, 'Isn't that Bush sitting at the end of the bar?'

The bartender says, 'Yep, that's him.' So the guy walks over and says, 'Wow, this is a real honor! What are you doing in here?'

Bush says, ' I'm planning WW III.'

The guy says, 'Really? What's going to happen?'

Bush says, 'Well, I'm going to kill 140 million Muslims and one blonde with big Boobs.

The guy exclaimed, 'A blonde with big boobs?

Why kill a blonde with big boobs?'

Bush turns to the bartender and says,

See, I told you, no one gives a **** about the 140 million Muslims.

[Versatile]

I don't like making jokes about races or religions. This is a racist joke and should be removed.

[lifelongMOgal]

Originally Posted by Versatile

I don't like making jokes about races or religions. This is a racist joke and should be removed.

Really? Personally I was offended about the blonde with big boobs. I guess it is all in the matter of perspective. Seriously, lighten up. Last I checked "Muslim" was not a "race".

[Versatile]

Originally Posted by lifelongMOgal

Really? Personally I was offended about the blonde with big boobs. I guess it is all in the matter of perspective. Seriously, lighten up. Last I checked "Muslim" was not a "race".

I think you like to try and dog me a bit. Take your republican diatribe away from me. You are now on my IGNORE LIST!

[Versatile]

A new supermarket opened in town. It has an automatic water mister to keep the produce fresh. Just before it goes on, you hear the sound of distant thunder and the smell of fresh rain.

When you pass the milk cases, you hear cows mooing and you experience the scent of fresh mown hay.

In the meat department there is the aroma of charcoal grilled steaks with onions.

When you approach the egg case, you hear hens cluck and cackle, and the air is filled with the pleasing aroma of bacon and eggs frying.

The bread department features the tantalizing smell of fresh baked bread & cookies.


I don't buy toilet paper there anymore...

[Versatile]

Creative Comeback Lines for the Office


1. Obviously you're unable to assimilate my stimulating concepts into your blighted and simplistic world-view.

2. I don't know what your problem is, but I'll bet it's hard to pronounce.

3. Any connection between your reality and mine is purely coincidental.

4. I can see your point, but I still think you're full of it.

5. I like you. You remind me of me when I was young and stupid.

6. What am I? Flypaper for freaks!?!?

7. I'm not being rude. You're just insignificant.

8. I'll give you a nice, shiny quarter if you'll go away.

9. I'm already visualizing the duct tape over your mouth.

10. I will always cherish the initial misconceptions I had about you.

11. It's a thankless job, but I've got a lot of Karma to burn off.

12. Yes, I am an agent of Satan, but my duties are largely ceremonial.

13. How about never? Is never good for you?

14. I'm really easy to get along with once you people learn to worship me.

15. You sound reasonable. It must be time to up my medication.

16. You're just jealous because the little voices talk to ME.

17. I'll try being nicer if you'll try being smarter.

18. I'm out of my mind, but feel free to leave a message...

19. I don't work here. I'm a consultant.

20. Who me? I just wander from room to room.