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Old 03-23-2011, 02:09 PM
 
6,429 posts, read 4,439,588 times
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Why Some Men Have Dogs And Not Wives:
1. The later you are, the more excited your dogs are to see you.

2. Dogs don't notice if you call them by another dog's name

3. Dogs like it if you leave a lot of things on the floor.

4. A dog's parents never visit.

5. Dogs agree that you have to raise your voice to get your point across.

6. You never have to wait for a dog; they're ready to go 24 hours a day.

7. Dogs find you amusing when you're drunk..

8. Dogs like to go hunting and fishing.

9. A dog will not wake you up at night to ask, "If I died, would you get another dog?"

10. If a dog has babies, you can put an ad in the paper and give them away.

11. A dog will let you put a studded collar on it without calling you a pervert.

12. If a dog smells another dog on you, they don't get mad. They just think it's interesting.

13. Dogs like to ride in the back of a pickup truck.

And last, but not least:


14. If a dog leaves, it won't take half of your stuff.





To test this theory:
Lock your wife and your dog in the garage for an hour. Then open it and see who's happy to see you.
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Old 03-29-2011, 09:43 AM
 
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Been there!!
A Man sitting at home on the veranda with his wife and he says, "I love you."


She asks, "Is that you or the beer talking?"



He replies, "It's me ............. talking to the beer."
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Old 04-01-2011, 12:27 PM
 
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Alert
The Center for Disease Control has issued a medical alert about a highly contagious, potentially dangerous virus that is transmitted orally, by hand, and even electronically. This virus is called Weekly Overload Recreational Killer (WORK). If you receive WORK from your boss, any of your colleagues or anyone else via any means whatsoever - DO NOT TOUCH IT!!! This virus will wipe out your private life entirely. If you should come into contact with WORK you should immediately leave the premises.

Take two good friends to the nearest liquor store and purchase one or both of the antidotes - Work Isolating Neutralizer Extract (WINE) and Bothersome Employer Elimination Rebooter (BEER). Take the antidote repeatedly until WORK has been completely eliminated from your system.
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Old 04-07-2011, 01:46 PM
 
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Cursing Parrot
An old woman purchased a parrot with a bad cursing vocabulary. She was warned by the pet shop owner but decided she could stop the bad habit.
The first word out of the parrot's beak came when she arrived home. She scolded the bad bird and put it in the refrigerator for an hour. The bird was taken out and eventually warmed up enough to apologize. All went well for a few days and then it happened again. She put the bird in the freezer this time and after one hour she set it out to thaw.
After several attempts to talk, the old lady finally figured out what the words were-------
What did that turkey say?
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Old 04-09-2011, 05:52 PM
 
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Why do golfers wear two pair of pants? Incase they get a hole in one. Looking for old army friend Rickey E. Carpenter appx. 60 years old from Holt Mo. or Kingston. Viet Nam 1st BN 2nd Inf. 1st Infanty Div. Black Scarves. 1969-1970. If anyone out there knows Rickey, please have him get in touch with Babyson @ [email]rickpetty@aol.com[/email] or call 330 793-3312. Thanks for any help.

Last edited by rickpetty; 04-09-2011 at 05:57 PM.. Reason: left out info.
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Old 04-18-2011, 01:47 PM
 
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Why does a chicken coop always have 2 doors?








Because if it had 4 doors it would be a chicken sedan.
(I suppose 3 doors would make it a hatch-back.)
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Old 04-18-2011, 01:49 PM
 
6,429 posts, read 4,439,588 times
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Heard of senior HIV?
Hair Is Vanishing!!!
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Old 04-18-2011, 01:52 PM
 
6,429 posts, read 4,439,588 times
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Get EGGED!

The Chicken!
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Old 04-20-2011, 01:08 PM
 
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Answers Given on a Bible Knowledge Test

Noah's wife was Joan of Ark.

Lot's wife was a pillar of salt by day and a ball of fire by night.

Moses went to the top of Mount Cyanide to get the ten commandments.

The seventh commandment is "thou shalt not admit adultery."

Joshua led the Hebrews in the battle of Geritol.

Jesus was born because Mary had an immaculate contraption.

The people who followed Jesus were called Decibels.

The espistles were the wives of the apostles.

One of the opossums was St. Matthew.

Salome danced in seven veils in front of King Herrod.

Paul preached acrimony, which is another name for marriage.

David fought the Finkelsteins, which a race of people who lived in Bible times.

The Jews had trouble throughout their history with unsympathic Genitals.

A Christian should have only one wife, this is called monotony.
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Old 05-02-2011, 11:11 AM
 
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During a visit to my doctor, I asked him, "How do you determine whether or not an older person should be put in an old age home?"
"Well," he said, "we fill up a bathtub, then we offer a teaspoon, a teacup and a bucket to the person to empty the bathtub."
"Oh, I understand," I said. "A normal person would use the bucket because it is bigger than the spoon or the teacup."

"No" he said. "A normal person would pull the plug. Do you want a bed near the window?"

ARE YOU GOING TO PASS THIS ON … OR DO YOU WANT THE BED NEXT TO MINE? :

A short neurological test

1- Find the C below.. Please do not use any cursor help.

OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO
OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO
OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO
OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO
OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO
OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO
OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOCOOOOOOOOOOO
OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO
OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO
OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO
OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO

2- If you already found the C, now find the 6 below.

99999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999
99999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999
99999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999
69999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999
99999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999
99999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999

3 - Now find the N below. It's a little more difficult.

MMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMNMM
MMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMM
MMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMM
MMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMM
MMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMM

This is NOT a joke. If you were able to pass these 3 tests, you can cancel your annual visit to your neurologist. Your brain is great and you're far from having a close relationship with Alzheimer.

Congratulations!
Oh. One more test....
Find the 44th USA President.

cid:0FA1B09F8A274D2099680515860F8140@ownera93692ca e
Well, congratulations, you're not colour blind either!



SENIOR CITIZENS
ARE THE NATION'S LEADING CARRIERS OF AIDS!

cid:31AC1349AB3B4FDB93959494CA752A22@ownera93692ca e

HEARING AIDS

BAND AIDS

ROLL AIDS

WALKING AIDS

MEDICAL AIDS

GOVERNMENT AIDS

MOST OF ALL,

MONETARY AIDS TO THEIR KIDS!
cid:55931B4DF85F4CBF88238DCFC2489804@ownera93692ca e
Not forgetting HIV (Hair is Vanishing)
Give me the grace to see a joke,
To get some humour out of life,

And pass it on to other folk.

I'm only sending this to my 'old' friends.


cid:402C1ED6D94447EAA10836979B382D5E@ownera93692ca ecid:61FECFBEEAD74DC0B3C79B7FB169FAF3@ownera93692c ae


I love to see you smile !
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