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Old 01-11-2013, 10:20 AM
 
12,282 posts, read 13,166,544 times
Reputation: 4985

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my trip to the store

There was a bit of confusion at the Sporting goods store this morning.

When I was ready to pay for my purchases of gun powder and bullets the cashier
said, "Strip down, facing me."

Making a mental note to complain to my congressman about the gun registry
people running amok, I did just as she had instructed.

When the hysterical shrieking and alarms finally subsided, I found out that
she was referring to my credit card.

I have been asked to shop elsewhere in the future.

They need to make their instructions to us seniors a little clearer!
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Old 01-11-2013, 12:47 PM
 
Location: SW MO
23,593 posts, read 37,323,682 times
Reputation: 29336
Quote:
Originally Posted by Versatile View Post
my trip to the store

There was a bit of confusion at the Sporting goods store this morning.

When I was ready to pay for my purchases of gun powder and bullets the cashier
said, "Strip down, facing me."

Making a mental note to complain to my congressman about the gun registry
people running amok, I did just as she had instructed.

When the hysterical shrieking and alarms finally subsided, I found out that
she was referring to my credit card.

I have been asked to shop elsewhere in the future.

They need to make their instructions to us seniors a little clearer!
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Old 01-11-2013, 01:50 PM
 
12,282 posts, read 13,166,544 times
Reputation: 4985
Koch Brothers Warn Higher Taxes Will Cause Them to Lay Off at Least a Dozen Congressmen

A little humor for you today
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Old 02-12-2013, 04:34 PM
 
12,282 posts, read 13,166,544 times
Reputation: 4985
My Favorite Animal

My Favorite Animal

Our teacher asked what my favorite animal was, and I said, "Fried chicken."
She said I wasn't funny, but she couldn't have been right, because everyone else laughed.
My parents told me to always tell the truth. I did. Fried chicken is my favorite animal.
I told my dad what happened, and he said my teacher was probably a member of PETA. He said they love animals very much.
I do, too. Especially chicken, pork and beef. Anyway, my teacher sent me to the principal's office.
I told him what happened, and he laughed, too. Then he told me not to do it again.

The next day in class my teacher asked me what my favorite live animal was.
I told her it was chicken. She asked me why, so I told her it was because you could make them into fried chicken.

She sent me back to the principal's office. He laughed, and told me not to do it again.

I don't understand. My parents taught me to be honest, but my teacher doesn't like it when I am.

Today, my teacher asked me to tell her what famous person I admired most.

I told her, "Colonel Sanders." Guess where I am now...
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Old 02-13-2013, 08:56 AM
 
12,282 posts, read 13,166,544 times
Reputation: 4985
X-wife

Tim decided to tie the knot with his long time girlfriend. One
evening, after the honeymoon, he was assembling some loads for an
upcoming hunt.
His wife was standing there at the bench watching him.

After along period of silence she finally speaks. "Honey, I've been
thinking, now that we are married I think it's time you quit hunting,
shooting, handloading, and fishing. Maybe you should sell your guns
and boat".

Tim gets this horrified look on his face.
She says, "Darling, what's wrong?"
”There for a minute you were sounding like my ex-wife.”
"Ex wife!", she screams, "I didn't know you were married before!"

”I wasn't “
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Old 02-13-2013, 09:08 AM
 
12,282 posts, read 13,166,544 times
Reputation: 4985
Husband Shopping??

A couple was doing last minute shopping.Walking through the very crowded mall the wife looked up and noticed her husband was nowhere around. She became very upset because they had a lot to do. She used her cell phone to call her husband to ask where he was.The husband, in a calm voice said, "Honey remember the jewelry store we went into five years ago, where you fell in love with that diamond necklace that we could not afford and I told you that I would get it for you one day?"























The wife, crying, said "Yes, I remember".





Husband: "Well, I'm in the bar next to that jewelry store."
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Old 02-13-2013, 09:22 AM
 
12,282 posts, read 13,166,544 times
Reputation: 4985
A Cup of Tea

One day my Gramma was out, and my Grampa was in charge of me.

I was maybe 2 1/2 years old. Someone had given me a little 'tea set' as a gift, and it was one of my favorite toys.

Grampa was in the living room engrossed in the evening news when I brought him a little cup of 'tea', which was just water. After several cups of tea and lots of praise for such yummy tea, my Gramma came home.

My Grampa made her wait in the living room to watch me bring him a cup of tea, because it was 'just the cutest thing!' Gramma waited, and sure enough, here I came down the hall with a cup of tea for Grampa, and she watched him drink it up.

Then she said, (as only a gramma would know), "'Did it ever occur to you that the only place she can reach to get water is the toilet?"
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Old 02-13-2013, 09:33 AM
 
12,282 posts, read 13,166,544 times
Reputation: 4985
Feeling like a woman

On a flight from Chicago to the Carribbean, the plane passes through a severe storm. The turbulence is awful, and things go from bad to worse when one wing is struck by lightning.
One woman in particularloses it. Screaming, she stands up in front of the plane. "I'm too young to die ," she wails. Then she yells, "Well if I'm going to die, I want my last minutes on earth to be memorable!! Is there anyone on this plane who can make me feel like a WOMAN?"

For a little while there is silence. Everyone has forgotten their own peril. They all stare, riveted, at the desperate young woman at the front of the plane.

Then a very macho man stands up in the rear of the plane. He is very confident in his good looks, handsome: fairly tall, well built with dark brown hair mixed with a little gray, and deep set brown eyes.
He starts to slowly walk up the aisle towards the front of the plane , unbuttoning his shirt as he walked

One button at a time....
No one moves....
He removes his shirt...
Muscles ripple across his chest, even though he is nearly 60 years old
The young woman gasps...
He whispers...
'Iron this WOMAN...... Then get me a beer
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Old 02-14-2013, 08:17 AM
 
12,282 posts, read 13,166,544 times
Reputation: 4985
The Winter Boots
( Anyone who has ever dressed a child will love this )

Did you hear about the teacher who was helping one of her
reception class pupils put on his boots?

He asked for help and she could see why.

Even with her pulling and him pushing, the little boots
still didn't want to go on.

By the time they got the second boot on, she had worked up a sweat.

She almost cried when the little boy said, 'Teacher,
they're on the wrong feet.'

She looked, and sure enough, they were.

It wasn't any easier pulling the boots off than it was
putting them on.

She managed to keep her cool as, together, they worked to get the boots back on, this time on the correct feet.

He then announced, 'These aren't my boots.'

She bit her tongue, rather than get right in his face and
scream, 'Why didn't you say so? ' like she wanted to.

Once again she struggled to help him pull the ill-fitting
boots off his little feet.

No sooner had they got the boots off when he said,
'They're my brother's boots. My Mum made me wear 'em.'

Now she didn't know if she should laugh or cry.

But she mustered up what grace and courage she had left to wrestle the boots on his feet again.

Helping him into his coat, she asked, 'Now, where are your
mittens?'

He said, 'I stuffed 'em in the toes of my boots.'

She will be eligible for parole in three years.
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Old 02-20-2013, 04:00 PM
 
12,282 posts, read 13,166,544 times
Reputation: 4985
On a cowboy's tombstone

FIVE RULES FOR MEN TO FOLLOW FOR A HAPPY LIFE:
1. It's important to have a woman who helps at home, cooks from time to time, cleans up, and has a job.
2. It's important to have a woman who can make you laugh.
3. It's important to have a woman who you can trust, and doesn't lie to you.
4. It's important to have a woman who is good in bed, and likes to be with you.
5. It's very, very important that these four women do not know each other or you could end up dead like me.
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