MO folks, have any good jokes to share with us?? (Clinton: house, rent)

[Nomadicus]

I've read this thread from beginning to end and it has "MADE MY DAY!"
Thanks to each and every one of you. Can't wait to get back to MO. Table Rock is calling my name.

[Darlynn0217]

Originally Posted by Nomadicus

I've read this thread from beginning to end and it has "MADE MY DAY!"
Thanks to each and every one of you. Can't wait to get back to MO. Table Rock is calling my name.

You are a lucky one, if Table Rock knows your name! Heed it's call, and hurry home! We're waiting!!

[Nomadicus]

For those in the lake area that like to go boating!

Blonde story to end all blonde stories! A True Story.... if she had killed
herself,-God forbid-,she'd be a shoe-in for the Darwin Award. Last summer,
down on Lake Isabella, located in the high desert, an hour east of
Bakersfield, California, a blonde (of course!!), new to boating, was having
a problem. No matter how hard she tried, she just couldn't get her brand
new 22-ft. Bayliner to perform. It wouldn't get on a plane at all, and it
was very sluggish in almost every maneuver, no matter how much power she
applied.
After about an hour of trying to make it go, she putted over to a nearby
marina. Maybe they could tell her what was wrong. A thorough topside
check
revealed everything was in perfect working order. The engine ran fine, the
outdrive went up and down, the prop was the correct size and pitch. So, one
of the marina guys jumped in the water to check underneath. He came up
choking on water, he was laughing so hard.



..................(REMEMBER, this is TRUE)................
scroll down............



Under the boat, still strapped securely in place was the trailer.

[HMcD]

A Charlotte, NC, lawyer purchased a box of very rare and expensive cigars,: then insured them against fire among other things. Within a month having smoked his entire stockpile of these great cigars and without yet having made even his first premium payment on the policy, the lawyer filed a claim against the insurance company. In his claim, the lawyer stated the cigars were lost "in a series of small fires." The insurance company refused to pay, citing the obvious reason: that the man had consumed the cigars in the normal fashion. The lawyer sued .. and won!

In delivering the ruling, the judge agreed with the insurance company that the claim was frivolous. The Judge stated, nevertheless, that the lawyer held a policy from the company in which it had warranted that the cigars were insurable and also guaranteed that it would insure them against fire, without defining what is considered to be unacceptable fire, and was obligated to pay the claim. Rather than endure lengthy and costly appeal process, the insurance company accepted the ruling and paid $15,000 to the lawyer for his loss of the rare cigars lost in the "fires."

After the lawyer cashed the check, the insurance company had him arrested on 24 counts of ARSON!!!! With his own insurance claim and testimony from the previous case being used against him, the lawyer was convicted of intentionally burning his insured property and was sentenced to 24 months in jail and a $24,000 fine.

This is a true story and was the 1st place winner in the recent Criminal Lawyers Award Contest.

[HMcD]

A tourist wanders into a back-alley antique shop in San Francisco's Chinatown. Picking through the objects on display he discovers a detailed, life-sized bronze sculpture of a rat. The sculpture is so interesting and unique that he picks it up and asks the shop owner what it costs.
"Twelve dollars for the rat, sir," says the shop owner, "and a thousand dollars more for the story behind it."
"You can keep the story, old man," he replies, "but I'll take the rat."
The transaction complete, the tourist leaves the store with the bronze rat under his arm. As he crosses the street in front of the store, two live rats emerge from a sewer drain and fall into step behind him. Nervously looking over his shoulder, he begins to walk faster, but every time he passes another sewer drain, more rats come out and follow him. By the time he's walked two blocks, at least a hundred rats are at his heels, and people begin to point and shout. He walks even faster, and soon breaks into a trot as multitudes of rats swarm from sewers, basements, vacant lots, and abandoned cars. Rats by the thousands are at his heels, and as he sees the waterfront at the bottom of the hill, he panics and starts to run full tilt.
No matter how fast he runs, the rats keep up, squealing hideously, now not just thousands but millions, so that by the time he comes rushing up to the water's edge a trail of rats twelve city blocks long is behind him. Making a mighty leap, he jumps up onto a light post, grasping it with one arm while he hurls the bronze rat into San Francisco Bay with the other, as far as he can heave it. Pulling his legs up and clinging to the light post, he watches in amazement as the seething tide of rats surges over the breakwater into the sea, where they drown.
Shaken and mumbling, he makes his way back to the antique shop.
"Ah, so you've come back for the rest of the story," says the owner.
"No," says the tourist, "I was wondering if you have a bronze lawyer."

[HMcD]

An 8-year-old girl went to her dad, who was working in the yard.
’’Daddy, what is sex?’’ The father was surprised that she would ask such a question, but decided that if she was old enough to ask the question, then she was old enough to get a straight answer. He proceeded to tell her all about the ’birds and the bees.’’ When he finished explaining, the little girl was looking at him with her mouth hanging open.
’’Why did you ask that question, honey?’’
’’Mom told me to tell you that dinner would be ready in just a couple of secs."

[Nomadicus]

A mother was reading a book about animals to her 3 year old
daughter:
Mother: "What does the cow say?"

Child: "Moooo!"
Mother: "Great! What does the cat say?"

Child: "Meow."
Mother: "Oh, you're so smart! What does the frog say?"

And this wide-eyed little three-year-old looked up at her mother
and replied, "Bud."

[Nomadicus]

A Husband Is At Home Watching A Football Game When His Wife Interrupts,
"honey, Could You Fix The Light In The Hallway? It's Been
Flickering For Weeks Now"

He Looks At Her And Says Angrily. "fix The Light? Now? Does
It Look Like I Have A G.e. Logo Printed On My Forehead? I Don't
Think So."

"well Then, Could You Fix The Fridge Door? It Won't Close Right."

To Which He Replied, "fix The Fridge Door? Does It Look Like I Have
Westinghouse Written On My Forehead? I Don't Think So."

"fine," She Says "then You Could At Least Fix The Steps To The
Front Door? They're About To Break."

"i'm Not A Damn Carpenter And I Don't Want
To Fix Steps,"he Says. "does It Look Lke I Have Ace Hardware
Written On My Forehead? I Don't Think So. I've Had Enough Of You. I'm Going
To
The Bar!!!"

So He Goes To The Bar And Drinks For A Couple Hours. He Starts To
Feel Guilty About How He Treated His Wife, And Decides To Go Home And
Help Out. As He Walks Into The House He Notices The Steps Are Already
Fixed. As He Enters The House, He Sees The Hall Light Is Working. As He
Goes To Get A Beer, He Notices The Fridge Door Is Fixed. "honey, How'd All
This Get Fixed?"

She Said, "well, When You Left I Sat Outside And Cried.
Just Then A Nice, Well-built, Young Man Asked Me What Was Wrong,
And I Told Him. He Offered To Do All The Repairs, And All I Had To Do
Was Either Go To Bed With Him Or Bake A Cake."

He Said, "so, What Kind Of Cake Did You Bake Him?"

She Replied, "hellooooo........ Do You See Betty Crocker Written On
My Forehead?"

[ShadowCaver]

Why don't blind people like to sky dive?
Because it scares the hell out of the dog.

What's the difference between a bad golfer and a bad skydiver?
A bad golfer goes, whack, damn. a bad skydiver goes damn, whack.

[Nomadicus]

After all the humor they provide us with...

A blonde pulls over at the gas station, gets out of her car,
opens the hood, and checks the engine oil. After a few
seconds of heavy thinking, she takes the dipstick in her
hand and, raising her chest high, walks up to the attendant.

"Excuse me sir, but can I buy a longer dipstick?"
"May I ask why you need a longer one ma'am?"
"Because this one isn't long enough to reach the oil!"